Last night, John was trying to watch some program or other and it was pretty horrible. I finally told him, "Let's just move on from this one and try something else." I'd been doing my best to ignore images, but I swear the moment I would look up from my computer or book I was hit with a horrible vision of what he was watching. He very nicely put on something else which ended up being weird and then BLAM! another horrible image. He immediately switched that one off as well. Then he landed on another British series, "Dr. Finlay" which we both watched and enjoyed.
He finally put on "Unforgotten" and we got into the final episode for season 2. I'd been fine all throughout the whole season but towards the end the victims began to tell their full stories to their loved ones. One especially triggered me. I said nothing about it. It wasn't a horrible image, it was just a line but one I'd heard before in real life, not on screen, and it shattered me, it just did. But I bit my tongue and took up my book which thankfully is a Grace Livingston Hill and very soothing. John went on to watch more tv. I got absorbed in my book.
When John turned off the television, he asked if I'd struggled at any point with the last episode that we'd watched, and the tears flowed. I'd had no intention of talking it over, no desire if you must know the truth, but I also knew that withdrawing was not what I needed to do. I needed to tell him exactly what and why I'd been triggered which led to a very deep conversation that I personally found emotionally exhausting.
I assure you this was not John 'pushing' me to do anything. It is part of our honesty with one another that it was necessary to talk to him. It wasn't a matter of how uncomfortable I felt. It's a matter of trusting him.
I know that when he asks me questions that might be difficult to answer emotionally that he's doing so out of concern, out of a desire to understand. I kept silent on the subject matter for years and years. John and I had been married for more than 18 years when I finally told him about it. I was in my 50's for goodness' sake! And I'd lived my whole life with this thing closed up within me. I started to break free the day I told him. And while I don't care to air my trials here, there and everywhere, I feel it's important to speak honestly and openly with people I trust implicitly, as I do John. Especially when I understand that he's asking how I am, not to shame me or taunt me or belittle me, but out of genuine concern. And knowing that, I made the choice to talk rather than brush it off or shut it down. Even though I didn't feel I wanted to.
Sometimes...sometimes in life, even when we've spent decades trying to sort ourselves out emotionally and mentally and spiritually because of what happened to us as we were growing up, we shut those things up behind doors and lock them and just ignore that the door is even there. We can ignore it all the rest of our lives but every single time we walk through the space and pass that door, we know it's waiting. It's not dying or fading away. Fear and horror and shame grow the longer that door is shut and we try to pretend that it's not there.
The hardest thing to do is to open the damned door and let the light flood that space. Acknowledge what is there and then move on. Yes, we can close the door again, sometimes for long periods, but it pays to periodically open it and air the thing out and then shut it away again. It's never going away. It will always be with us. We have the power to let it sit in the darkness and grow and grow and grow, or to open the door and stop letting it be a source of fear or shame.
Anyway, that was last night.
This morning, I went outdoors to work on the flower beds in the back yard. I got a good little bit done. I determined I would not work myself into the ground. I think I spent a good hour out there. I pulled weeds (mostly tiny cedar and privet) and tied up a rose bush that is rambling all over. I barely made a dint in that work, but it was so peaceful and frankly a good remedy for another rough night.
I haven't done much of anything all the rest of the day but that's okay. I worked hard all day yesterday. I tackled a job today and even if I didn't finish it, I have begun it.
The Grace Livingston Hill book is Cloudy Jewel. It's a book I bought last fall when I found a spate of new books by Hill that I didn't have and hadn't heard of. I highly recommend this one. It follows more or less the usual plot but it's one of her lovely 'homemaking' type of books and I think those of you who enjoy other such books of hers will enjoy this one equally well.
Amazon Associates Affiliate Link: If you use my link to enter Amazon and place an order, I may earn a small commission on qualifying products. Thank you!
No comments:
Post a Comment