I have always loved those pages in Encyclopedias where you open the page up and there is the skeletal system, then you turn a clear page and there are the organs, then another page layers on the muscular system and finally you turn the last page and there is skin and hair and a person.   As I've studied genealogy I've wished often for such transparency sheets to overlay maps of the states where my ancestors lived.  So often it appears they have moved but what changed was boundary lines, new counties formed, old townships died and faded away and the relative rarely left the place in which they had settled after migration from another state.

I have often said with my blog that I wanted to share myself with you all.  To be transparent.  Who I was, where I am in my mind/spirit/life span, my financial circumstances, my talents, my lacks of talents, my hopes and my loss of dreams.  I have tried to do so without revealing personal information that might be irresponsible. But I've also wanted to share a little more.  It has actually been on my heart and mind now for a number of  months that I needed to go deeper in sharing myself, my very inner self, though you might well think I've done quite enough of that already.

I want to be transparent to you as much as I can without causing harm to others who may have intentionally or unintentionally done me damage, or revealing things that are more reflective of the character of another than myself.  It's one thing to share my failures and failings and foibles.  It's mean spirited to share those of others.  At least in a more or less public setting, I've found it especially difficult to balance the pointing out of my failures without revealing what caused the situation in the first place.

Time Out

Notice her obvious confusion?  It's kinda how I feel at present.  I'm not just sure what I should be doing to fix something that has gone wrong.

I've started this post a dozen times and dumped the contents just as many.  So I am going to keep this short and sweet.  I'm struggling hard just now.  I am cutting out everything 'extra' that I possibly can.  And since meals and boys and housekeeping and family needs can't go away, I have to drop all the  other stuff I love so very much.  Writing, my attempt at starting a new business, reading, speaking in complete sentences.

Mentally, it's come down to this.

I'll be back.  I will.  But for now, I just can't keep it all up.  Hugs to each of you who have supported me in words and thoughts and prayers.  Keep me in mind.  Please.

In My Home This Week: Green Green Grass of Home

In my home this week...

...The grass is green.  Our two weeks running of rain followed by a full day of sunshine then a front of thunderstorms has left the yards and trees so freshly green that  the world here still has that spanking new look about it.   Unfortunately it also meant that though John had just spent five hours mowing the overgrown lawn, it looked within two days as though it could use another hard clipping.  And so he mowed the lawn once again.

I was inspired by all the masses of plants at the garden centers to get out in the yard and do a good bit of work.   Flower beds were weeded which was fairly easy with the mulch put in place, though two or three areas need more work.  I repotted volunteers and overwintered plants.  Now I have a bevy of empty pots to fill with something fresh and new.

Coffee Chat: When It's All Too Much

Hello dears,

Do come on in and have a bit of coffee or some cold soda if you'd rather.  It was 97f here yesterday and felt like June with heavy humidity followed by hail and thunderstorms that evening and ending with a lovely sunset and then more storms.  Temperamental is certainly the personality of June.  Stormy and sunny.  Just like life at present in my home...

I gave serious consideration last week, in a fit of deeper than navy blues, of giving up.  Giving up the house and moving out.  Giving up blogging.  Giving up Jamberry.  Quitting it all and just saying, 'Take it in the handbasket to the place it's obviously heading in and GO..."  I got as far as counting up my funds and figuring out my options.   My fight was gone.  I was in full flight mode.

In My Home This Week: All Routine