Where's Autumn? And Difficulties

 

Saturday, October 10:  Hurricane Isaias didn't do much damage here.  I woke frequently in the night and listened to the weather outdoors, but the rainfall was normal and the wind never really picked up much.  I found a few dead limbs on the ground, but nothing fresh and green broke loose.   

Bess drove into town this morning and came back saying the electricity was off and the stores all closed due to that.  I suppose we lost power at some moment in the night because the TV had to reboot this morning when I turned it on, but I never knew it went off.  A pro-longed outage generally triggers my fire alarms.  A blip outage doesn't.  I'm assuming we had a blip.

I finished the first Dove Pond book and started the next, A Cup of Silver Linings.  I must say I found this second book difficult as it dealt with death and grief and I found myself boo-hooing periodically throughout it.  Yes, difficult, though I could hardly stand to take a long break from the book.  So, I would read until I couldn't take much more, then sob away and then pick it up again when I was in control once more.  

I puttered about doing a bit of housework here and there.  Not something I typically do on a Saturday, but there were just little things I wanted to do that I'd missed during the week while I was painting the shed.  

I vacuumed my room again though I vacuumed it last night, because the piece of glass slipped form the tweezers as Bess was holding it up for me to see.  I was pretty sure I'd gotten it up the night before, but you know it doesn't hurt to be double sure.  

I also did the dishes in the sink each time I went into the kitchen, as well as putting away clothes I'd folded Friday evening.  Nothing too onerous, but tasks that needed to be done.  It made me feel better after having neglected so much housework this past week.

My meal today was something I've been craving for the longest while: Chili Cheese Dogs.  Oh, my goodness.  They were soooo good!  So good that I had them for supper on Friday night and decided to have them for dinner again today.  Then I packed up the remainders and put it in the freezer. 

We weren't meant to get any more rain today, but it sure looks like rain outdoors right now...I shall not complain over that a bit.  We didn't get so much last night that we can't use more.

Sunday, October 11:  Sure enough, when I shut down the computer last night rain came pouring down.  It rained until I went to bed and then stopped.  So much for the weather channel's assurances that rain was all past.

I finished the second Dove Pond book this morning before leaving for church.  Don't fret!  I didn't let it make me late.  I was dressed and ready so early that I had a good window of leisure before time to leave and reading those last 50 pages filled it.

I debated, truly debated, not going back to church.  It's nothing to do with church and nothing to do with being church hurt, or unfed, or anything like that.  It's more to do with being reclusive.  It will hit me like that if I've spent too much time alone, to withdraw still further from society at large.  But I determined that I need my church and the handful of people who know me there to keep me grounded, especially since I am just not that social overall.  

I really enjoyed being back in church today.  It was worth being there.

I've given up thinking this is just a cold.  Since it continues to linger on, I'm taking allergy meds, which have actually helped with my hoarseness.  I went by to see Katie today and though we hadn't planned to do so, we went out to eat (more on that in a moment) and we were comparing symptoms.  We both still have a cough that continues to be productive, mild headache, hoarseness and a little stuffiness.  14 days and continuing.  No kidding. 

We had lunch out, as I said. I'd thought we'd just run by McDonald's, but Katie suggested a Mexican restaurant that is fairly reasonable.  But as we pulled into the strip mall where it was located, I pointed at a Mediterranean/Indian place and said, "One day I'm going to try that."  "Let's do it today!  I've eaten there and it's good."    It was indeed.  They serve both Greek dishes and Indian foods.  I was amused to realize that I'd eaten most of the Indian dishes they serve, one of which I make at home from scratch.  But there was one dish I had never heard of, and I decided to try that.  

It was a Chicken Bhuna.  It was just lovely.  Sort of a soupy mix with lots of tomatoes, peppers and onions in a creamy but light sauce.  It was so comforting and delicious.  It almost felt like I was eating a lovely bowl of soup, and you all know how much I like soup.  Katie scooped the first spoonful of her Butter Chicken onto my plate and said, "Try that..."  It was good.  But truly I like the recipe that I make here at home a little better.  

Lunch gave Katie and I a good moment to talk.  She is a little better mentally at the moment, assured me she is taking her medicines and talking with her therapist routinely.  I confessed my worry, my overall desire to 'fix' things for her and the struggle of fighting my desire and let her manage her mental health on her own.  As always, she reassured me that there is nothing I can 'fix' for her, that it must be she and her therapist and doctor who work with her issues.  I felt much better after talking with her.  But it has been a rough go of it for her and for me.

While I was at the house, Caleb sat beside me and showed me his progress on the game I bought as his early birthday gift.   Henry was playing with a toy in his big pen, and it kept going "Beep beep beep," and I'd say, "Beep beep beep," too.  He'd repeat after me "Meee meee meee!"   Later Cody came over to sit on the edge of the play pen (it's really a play yard, but I call it a pen.  It's huge).  Henry kept coming up to Cody hugging him.  

We all three were watching him and Katie said "You know.... I just don't think he's as autistic as they said.   He doesn't mind making eye contact, he loves to hug and he was focused on Mama and playing with her a few minutes ago."  I happen to agree.  Perhaps he does have a little slow speech development but no kidding, he doesn't remind me of how his sister or cousin (who are both autistic) acted at the same age at all.

Katie and I ran by Lowe's to look at gas stoves.  Might as well not have bothered.  The only non-ceramic ranges they had were the 'luxury' gas stoves that measure about 40 or 45 inches wide.  And they cost about $3000 each.  So, I guess I'm ordering my stove from online.

Next week I'm going to go get Caleb and have him spend the night.  And the next day I'm having the kids from across the field come over.  I thought I'd take the four to a late lunch at one of the burger places with a playground.  Then we'll all take Caleb home and we'll come back here to have those three spend the night with me.  I'd love to have them all at once, but I have one issue.  Caleb or Josh always get a little hyper and they play off each other, and it gets a bit wild.  I cannot handle them both in one night here.  It will be quite enough to have them together for the day!

Today was a lovely day, weather wise.  However, the doggone 90F days are returning this coming week.  Ugh.  I was sure Autumn had finally gotten here, but apparently, no.  It just dropped by to remind us of what we were missing this year.

Monday, October 12:  It turned out to be a lovely sunny day today.  Not a painting day for me, which honestly, I hate to even consider doing, but it was not a day without accomplishment.  My motto of last week is still operational.  Today I did something.  Today that consisted of picking up all the fallen limbs from our breezy hurricane day and stacking them off to the side of the yard.  Then sorting out the shelving unit on the back porch, gathering what will go into the trash and what will be moved to the shed.  I've let that shelving unit be a bugaboo long enough, thinking it was one of those tasks that would take forever.  It's one trip across the yard, one to the trunk of the car and then call Sam to come get the shelf unit.  And it will make my back porch look far nicer without all that mess stacked on the shelves!  But for today, it's all sorted and looking neater.  Not cleaned off yet, but better.

Then I came indoors and settled to working on my budget sheet. I realized that for the second month in a row, I had failed to record one of the bills that is auto paid.  Not the same bill as last month and none of them dire but if I continue to forget something every month it could be an issue in the future!  I obviously need to check and double and triple check my worksheet each month and be sure I have accounted for all that is outgoing, especially the auto pay items.

After that I made myself lunch and made too much, though I was using up leftovers from the freezer.  It wasn't a lot too much, but it was more than I could eat.  I must learn to make a smaller portion.  I can always make more if I'm still hungry, but this was not the sort of thing I could save and eat later.  It would be too compromised in taste and texture to reheat.  Sigh.  A little food waste and part of that food that I was trying hard not to waste.

Then after the pest control man left, I hauled things out of the music/study and finally laid out the new rug I bought back at the end of May.  It's going to take a bit to relax and lie as flat as it should.  Right now, the most curled edge is weighted down with heavy books and furnishings.  I wanted to hang my new curtains, too, but I realized that the new curtain rods are the same sort I have in my bathroom and I LOATHE them.  Too late to return it as that window closed months ago.  I'll have to find a new rod, one that is different, before I can hang the new curtains.

Why, you might ask, can I not use the old rod?  Because it isn't a rod!  It's a wooden dowel that John stuck up on the wall with two electrical conduit clamps that are screwed into the wall.  His reason for that, like the hooks and dowel in the guest/spare room was because the rods we had were continually being yanked out of the wall by the kids when they opened their curtains.    Well now both rooms need a new rod at the window, and both shall get one.  

In the meantime, I'm debating what I want the music/study to look like.  I mean, what sort of desk do I want?  How attached am I to the bookcases in the room?  Should I plan to paint them or purchase something taller?  I'm leaning towards taller.  Where do I put the piano?  And the music cabinet?  Where do I want to hang the guitars that are on the wall now?  Or do I want to pack them away?  What sort of chair do I want in my reading space?  The desk chair I purchased last fall (very low cost) is NOT a comfortable place to sit for an extended period of time.  But until I get a new desk, there's not much point in getting a new chair.  

And finally, I need storage.  If I choose to replace the current lot of bookshelves, I could easily repurpose those as storage for craft and sewing supplies.  

And then I have a whole stack of bins filled with tchotchkes of John's that I packed up.  I need to make some decisions on those things.  Do I pass them on or donate them?  Does anyone even want them?  

As with most things, what seems on the one hand to be an easy enough matter, redecorating a room, becomes a wrestling match of grief, guilt, and sadness that I don't necessarily want to face.  Sigh.  And that is what comes of facing a loss such as this.  That continual wrangling of wondering if I am trying to erase him or simply to make my home function in a way that both honors his memory and feels right to me in the new life I must face.

After my mind had settled a bit, I went back to the music study and started trying to arrange things in a more pleasing way.  A couple of things worked. A few things do not look at all nice.  I reminded myself that I don't have to get it just right today, not that I'm likely to do so, especially since what I need isn't at hand at the moment, namely good storage and nicer looking furnishings.  However, what is right about the room is pleasing to see.

I think the key to my productivity today was NOT turning on the television for background noise, which meant I wasn't tempted to sit down and watch a few programs before returning to work all over again.  Nor did I read much more than a chapter today (Finding Dorothy).   Admittedly the book I'm trying to finish is not lighthearted and is a bit too full of disillusionment to be an easy read, however hard I might find it to stay away from it entirely.  It is one I definitely want to finish.

I'm reheating more leftovers for supper tonight.  And tomorrow, I think I shall clear out my fridge, then settle on meals for the next couple of days for myself, and work on other projects, some outdoors and some indoors.

Tuesday, October 13:  I was having a particularly hard time today and decided to let painting the shed go, especially as I was apparently going to get a very late start on it.  It's warm outdoors again, too warm to be outdoors at noon in the sun working hard.  I worked on another project, one here inside my home for a bit, and then feeling a deep case of blues and grief overwhelming me, I decided what I needed was to go outdoors and sit on the porch.

My reasoning was that in the past if I'd felt as I did today, I'd likely have gone to Granny's and sat quietly on the porch with her, just absorbing the peace of the world and her person.  And I figured that at least, I could absorb the peace of the land, just as I did once upon a time.

It worked very well.  After about half an hour, I could feel the peace soaking in.

And then I noticed how sadly neglected the patio and porch and Faith tree flower bed look.  As in, the house practically looks abandoned from that side.  I was a bit ashamed of it, if I do say so.  And in the spirit of do something, I set myself the task of blowing off the front porch, removing the empty plant pots, and arranging the furniture.  It's not pretty.  But it is cleaner and looks neater. 

I even pushed beyond the porch and managed to do minor things on the patio that made it look a little less neglected.  Not nice, but better.  And then I was hot and sweaty and decided that I'd done what I meant to do.

I came indoors to cool off.  My brother called, which he never does...Mama had fallen.  They hadn't called an ambulance or taken her to the hospital.  My brother reminded me he works in town and he can drop by to check on her, but he confessed he thought it time we started looking for nursing home placement for her.  I agree.  Will Mama agree?  

It's true that she often mentions that she has been thinking perhaps she ought to go, but saying is one thing and reality is another.   I have not forgotten my promise to John, and I will not break it.  It does change everything for me.  Not only must I put my plans for travel on hold, but I must try to arrange my life around a schedule that includes being gone from my home three days each week.  And that means that projects like painting the shed or working on the music/study may not move forward.

Personal relationship aside, this season was coming along at some point, as I knew too well.  We will place Mama in a nursing home sooner rather than later, I am sure, but in the meantime, we will do what we can to make sure she is safe.

Wednesday, October 14:  Today was not great.  It was proof that you can pray, you can read your Bible, you can tell yourself all the ways you are covered by grace and you still can screw up badly and end up saying something awful without thinking and find yourself apologizing repeatedly to innocent people who got hurt by your big mouth because you let another person trigger you and allowed anger to rule for a moment.  The shame of that is with me and no matter how often I've apologized today, nor cried privately, I really flubbed it.  

My part in the day's hits aside, it wasn't great on many other levels as well, which had nothing to do with me or my issues.  

I had to have another lesson driven home super hard to me today and the realization didn't so much shake my world as make it come to a screeching halt and make me say, "Right.  I see now."  Because I was forced to see truth in a way that I've never looked at it before.  Yes, about myself, and about others.

I could tell you the things said and done, both by myself and others and the whole machination of realities that hit, but I'm not going to.   I know, I have known, I've always known that my feelings on the matter of family have been honest and truthful and whatever I do, say, am, come to be, will never ever make me be seen differently and I only lowered myself to the standard they always thought I held anyway.

Mama, after a good deal of fussing and such ended up at the hospital today which is where she needed to be.  And yes, it was I who insisted she go.  It made her angry and other family angry.  I refuse to apologize for pushing, even fighting, to have her go to hospital.  When they did the mental acuity test she answered three out of 5 questions wrong.  

A full body scan was done.  She did not have serious injury from her fall, though she had bruising.  What was more concerning was her severe muscle weakness which seems to indicate that she hasn't been moving about at all, not even in her wheelchair, and her state of dehydration and the fact that she had developed a UTI which caused some of the altered mental status.   While it's true, as was pointed out to me, that she has had mental issues anyway, I know from my past work in the medical field that UTIs can screw mental status up.  The second concern is that if left untreated it would become a sepsis infection which is not something anyone wants to mess with especially in an 89-year-old who is already in a weakened state.  

It was made clear to me today that I have no say in any future decisions or choices.  My brother has the Power of Attorney and ultimately that pretty much says it all. And that's fine.  I have total and complete peace with that.  I am not so egotistical that I think only I could possibly choose rightly for what is best for my mother.  Not that at any point, she would ever admit that any choice/decision I made was good or right. 

My children kindly allowed me to dump my hurt of the day in their laps and then they offered me the option this evening of not having their kids and being free to go to the hospital, etc., but I thanked them and told them that I thought what was in my personal best interest would be the time I spent with these grandchildren whom I deeply enjoy.  And that's where this day landed.  

In light of today as a whole, I will not be returning to the hospital tomorrow.  Instead, I went and got Caleb this evening as promised, and tomorrow I will have Sam's three who will spend the night with me tomorrow night.  And on Friday, after every child is home where they belong, I will go back to see Mama, whether she is in the hospital or at her apartment.  From there I play it by ear, but not as a caregiver.

I know that Caleb will wake very early in the morning.  And while I have given him a thorough list of what he MAY do and what he may NOT do, I have promised him I will absolutely get out of bed at 7:30 and until then I do not want to see or hear him in any room of the house.  However, clear I may be, the last visit he was in the living room by 4:30 am...

 I am going to go off to bed and prayerfully ask that sleep tonight be immediate for me, just in case.

Friday:  It's been a long time since Wednesday...  Or at least it feels like a long time.  

I have been through my own personal mental gyrations in which hurt, anger, fear and what sounds like jealousy even to my practiced ear of listening to my own railings goes.  I have taken to heart things said to me by my brother which unfortunately held just enough truth to halt me midway in my desire to rail and to prayerfully and fully consider what he said.  I am not saying everything he said was right.  He made some judgmental statements that are wrong.  But I am saying, I recognize truth in criticism and there was some truth in some of what he said.   I pondered only on the truths I saw.

I feared what Mama's care would become because at present I am not aware that any arrangements for hospital aftercare are even in the works.  My greatest fear, and I admit this without shame, was twofold.  That she would go home without the sort of care she needs.  I have reason to fear neglect of her from my experience with how other family members were allowed to be even though they were physically unable and mentally altered enough to not be able to provide their own self-care.  

I also had good reason to fear that if home care occurred and I walked into the door of that apartment it would shut behind me, and I'd never get out again.  That too has happened to me in the past when I stepped in to try and give the care that was needed to those who were unable to provide their own care.  I was left alone to carry it all. Frankly, I am not physically able to provide that sort of care anymore.  Honestly, I am not capable of it emotionally, mentally, or spiritually with Mama.  I hate saying that but it's truth. 

Mama is not in dire ill health.  She does have issues.  And it is obvious that self-care is beyond her at this time.  Due to her age, it is unlikely that it will ever be fully within her ability again.  That said, aside from a UTI she is incredibly healthy.   She might well last to 100 or beyond.

While the grandchildren were here, acting wild and free and loving every minute of their time, I spent a lot of time pondering and praying aside from just fear mongering.  This morning, I had a brief conversation with a dear friend, an honest one, and when I said, "Golly I wish John was here!", she said very quietly, "Terri, John left you instructions and asked a promise of you before he died.  He asked you twice that day to make that promise.  You know what he would tell you to do."   I started crying.  I admitted to her my fear and dread of what I might face if I stepped in and what might happen if I walked away and let it play out without my control, without my 'help' without my whatever higher sense of rightness I think I might have.  

I looked at the hard facts.  I have worries that I might fall and can't get up myself.  And I've been pushing myself to do things to help not only keep my strength up but build more strength.  However, I am not there yet.  I cannot help Mama physically.  I can't.

I do not want to give up my life for her.  To my ear that sounds hard and harsh.  I'm being honest.  I've given and given over the years, I've cared for her many times following illnesses and surgeries, and as she began to age, and we do not have a loving relationship despite that.  She dislikes me and delights in telling me how much she dislikes me.  And over time, I have come to dislike her.  I cannot see my attitude helping her any in this life.  

When I got to the hospital today, with fear and dread twisting in my stomach and a headache pounding in my temples, I saw my brother in the hallway.  And I walked up and said very calmly and quietly "You're in charge.  I can't help her physically.  No one needs to be torn wondering if they are making anyone else happy as they are making decisions in circumstances that are just hard.   I trust you to do your best."  

And I meant it.

The peace that fell over me was unreal.  Not because I was walking away from responsibility, but because I was letting go of my desire to control circumstances that were NOT in my control.  I texted my friend this afternoon and said, "It was scary and hard, but I did it."

And then I pondered that for a bit.  Because honestly, this was NOT as hard as determining that I had to walk away from my first marriage.  Nor was it as hard as the realization that my family, the genetic pool from which I came, do not care for me.  Nor was it as hard as watching my children struggle through divorces, mental health issues and sorrows I haven't even experienced.  Nor was it as hard as telling my husband goodbye that last day of his life and leaving him behind.  But on the life scale of hard things, it was hard.

All of that aside there were good things this week.  Number one, first and foremost was that I was able to get a new battery for the Honda.  It's not yet installed but I have it.  And I had the grandchildren and really enjoyed them.  I had one on one time with Caleb who was so pleased to be here and I'm sure much to Katie's surprise for the first time ever passed on calling his Mama to say good night.  He's growing up...

And he and Millie had a grand time playing together, with Isaac joining in here and there and Josh even agreeing to play hide and seek with them.  Which is kinda major from a 12-year-old kid who isn't sure he wants to go trick or treating or not this year because he might be 'a little grown-up'.

Last night as we got in the car, Millie whined about a dead bug on the floor and Caleb who is as afraid as she is, manned up, grabbed a napkin and picked it up, flung the bug out of the door and screeched as he did it, lol.  

The car threw up a Maintenance Required light before I'd gotten halfway to Katie's.  I was going to the mechanic shop instead of her house, but she convinced me to come to her place, and Cody was able to source the issue, resolved it, cleared the code and sent me home with a working vehicle.   It cost me, lol, but it wasn't horrible and thank goodness Cody is a qualified mechanic able to do a good job for less than the service I typically use.

And this morning, I had unexpected one on one time with Josh.  I found out things about him that I didn't know.  And I'm glad he shared them with me.  He's very private like his Dad.  So I don't take his confidences lightly. 

I love all my grandchildren dearly, but there is something special for me about Josh and Caleb and I'm unashamed to admit it.  It's not that I favor them because I do truly delight in each grandchild and their individual selves, but there is a bond between those two boys and myself, I can't explain.

So that is the good, the bad, the heat of October in the 90s... It was a week.

The Only Pumpkin for October, and I Did Something

 

October 3, Saturday:  I'm frustrated.  Still feeling poorly.  And it hasn't rained a drop though it was meant to rain for three solid days.  That means I'm losing painting time on two scores.   Fortunately, I feel just ill enough to shrug and say, "Oh well."

I had two bananas left from my grocery purchases on Tuesday.  They were just ripe, not overripe, but I couldn't resist making one of the few treats that include pumpkin that I enjoy each October, Pumpkin Banana Bread.  It's an old Land o Lakes butter box recipe that I found 35 years ago and then lost.  I was able to call the company's 1-800 number and got the Home Ec department who told me they'd look in their files for it and a few weeks later, I had a lovely typewritten copy in the mail.  That's the copy I have still and which I used today.  

I'll post that recipe on my recipe blog and link it HERE.

later:    It rained.  Proper rain.  But did we get a bit of the cold front behind the rain?  No.  We got high humidity and stifling warmth.  Ugh.  Still, it looked like proper Autumn, if you just looked out the window and wished hard that the AC wasn't on.  Golden and amber colored leaves, golden rod, the autumn grasses, the thinner leaves on the trees.  It was beautifully deceptive.

Sunday, October 4:  Late yesterday evening, my wave of 'feeling better' came along about an hour before bedtime.  I went off to bed at my usual time and tried to go to sleep but I couldn't do more than just barely break the surface.  You know how it is.  Your eyes are closed, you're fairly tired, but your mind is looping over this and that and then I suddenly had a profound thought and boom! I was wide awake.  I got up and journaled for a bit, listened to my current weekend marathon show, "Escape to the Chateau DIY" which is currently showing on Amazon Prime.  It's the most ultimate home renovation show ever, lol.  I am totally fascinated by these people who go into these huge old buildings which are very often barely livable, have little to no budget left to work with and instead of hiring a team of people (at least not just at first), begin renovating, learning how to do all sorts of jobs as they go.

Eventually my mind was emptied of thoughts, and I toddled off to bed where I promptly fell asleep.   I woke before the alarm went off this morning.  I can't say I felt as well as I felt yesterday evening, but I got out of bed anyway.   Sam had texted me at 6:25 (he rises very early) to say he'd come help jump the Honda off.  I texted him I was up and had my coffee which is not quite the magical elixir I wish it was this week but still helps give me a little oomph.  

Sam is very patient and a good teacher.  I pointed out where I'd tried to ground the negative cable and he said either should have worked but it probably didn't get tight enough a grip.  He told me that since the Honda has so much paint, aluminum, and plastic under the hood that getting a good ground is nigh impossible.  I could place the negative on the negative battery cable or even on the battery holster if it's metal.  My instinct had been to connect the clamp to the holster, but no one would corroborate that it was safe.  I had just enough healthy fear of doing something wrong that I wouldn't try it.

My car jumped right off.  We left it running for a bit while we chatted about his week.  He loves telling me about his students and his theories for how best to teach.  Honestly, he takes it as a personal failure when a student doesn't pass or is struggling.

After the car had run a bit, I took off trash, took mail into town, drove to the town east of ours and back again, just to ensure the battery got a good charge on it.  I had forgotten that a flat battery means the clock hasn't been running.  I kept looking at it thinking I'd get home just in time to watch the church service on the tv.  I missed the song service and just barely started the sermon.

Katie has been checking on me each day and texted me about then to see how I was doing.  Better, it's true, though still terribly hoarse and not quite 90% but better.

I can't share all the confidences I have at present, but many of you know that my two youngest children have had a few struggles over the past few years.  Katie is struggling at present with mental health issues.  She's being very proactive and has seen both her doctor about adjusting meds and her therapist, but I haven't seen her struggle like this in about 4 years.   I'm personally convinced that along with routine life stress, seasonal affective disorder and pure old grief, she's stumbling.   Please pray for her.

Monday, October 5:  Some Mondays are Monday all. day. long.  I'm having a Monday sort of Monday.

For the past few days, I kept noticing that areas of my kitchen were a bit dingy...and so I determined I'd clean the cabinets and counter tops today very well.  It did not help that sundry things had been finding their way to the countertops where they didn't belong and they weren't kitchen items.  

For months now, my gas range's oven door has not shut properly.  Every man who has looked at it, all helpful family men, said, "Oh well those hinges are bent but if they were just whacked back straight it ought to work just fine."   However not one of them ever 'whacked it'... 

I've used the oven, mind you, though not often for much, but it has been used.  It was keeping temperature and it wasn't dangerously open.  It just didn't quite shut.  But having heard how easy it was from every man who observed the darned thing, I took matters into my own hands.  I took a hammer and whacked at the left hinge and got it more or less straight, but the right hinge work was hindered by the fact that I had no room to swing the hammer because of the proximity of the stove to the ell of the counter next to it.

So naturally while cleaning the stove today, I thought, "Right, I'll just slide it out and see if I can't fix that hinge."  I beat the hinge as straight as I could.  I don't think the door shut a bit better, but I did something instead of just letting it go as it was.  

Only when I went to slide the stove back into place, it absolutely would not go.  And as near as I can tell I'm lacking about 1/16 of an inch having it fit...I've tried and tried.  I've tried wedging something at the one edge thinking it might slide past and go in, however stubborn it might be, but no luck.  After working up great frustration and sweating heavily, I resorted to the only other weapon in my arsenal: tears.  Didn't help a bit.

I think they must have installed the kitchen sink counter AFTER they moved the stove into place, and it was pushed up pretty snug to the stove.  I don't know why they didn't leave a little leeway but there you are.  They didn't.  And that 30-inch standard sized stove is not going back into that just shy of 30-inch spot.

So, I broke down and called the contractor who built the kitchen.  Mind you he's terribly hard to get hold of, doesn't answer calls and sometimes doesn't remember he's responded with a promise to come.  He's a busy man with many projects and I accept this fact.  

In the meantime, my gas stove is sitting in front of a whole row of cabinets I use often and blocked off the convection/toaster/air fryer corner.  I can't move the stove further out because it's connected to a gas line...

Having stewed over that and gotten more and more frustrated, I decided to have a quiet spell and a cool glass of water.  And then I went back and finished cleaning the cabinets and counters.

After lunch I went to do dishes and had a drain clog...

After plunging the sink for a good ten minutes I got things moving once more.  But it did feel like a hard slog through the day at that point, especially since I'd picked up my family worries and was fretting over other things over which I have NO control whatsoever.  You know...just to remind myself I am NOT in charge of the world in any way.

Finally, I decided I'd sew a new curtain for the laundry area.  The one hanging there is a little too short both at top and bottom and was never lined, so it lacked the weight to make it hang nicely.  I'd found another of the sheets I'd originally used to make the curtains in the kitchen and laundry, and it was exactly the right width with plenty of length to work with.  I was trying to take down the curtain rod and discovered that when the workman had painted the area and then rehung my curtain, he'd apparently broken the curtain hook thing, and he'd used a screw which he'd bent up so it would hold the rod.   So, there I was with one side of the rod down and one side firmly held into place...

A few more tears and this time a few prayers.  Why I didn't start with prayer is beyond me.  Always go to the highest authority, preferably first.

I fought through and just removed the old curtain, though not the rod.  I used the old curtain as a lining to the new curtain so now that has lovely weight and hangs correctly at the top.  However, I was not keen to take it down a third time today to hem the curtain.  But again, I did something, instead of just sitting here stewing which is all too easy to do.  

I don't expect I'll hear from the contractor today.  I might not hear from him tomorrow.  Honestly, the man never, ever returned or acknowledged one of my calls in the past.  He'd only sometimes answer if John called.  But eventually I'll either find help or figure it out...In the meantime, cooking my meal has only become slightly sketchy.  

Finally, I texted Katie, speaking in a far more straightforward way than I might have done in the past, because after years of dealing with her issues, I could see a thing or two more rationally and clearly than she can at the moment or so I thought.   I'd rather risk her being upset with me over speaking frankly, however kindly, than be quiet and watch things happen that might have been cautioned against.  But as it happens, she'd pretty much figured it out on her own.  

Now it is gone 5:30 and I have to figure out exactly how I'm going to manage my dinner...

Tuesday, October 6:  Aside from a tendency to burst into tears at the drop of a hat, I think I am on the mend with this cold.  I woke this morning to find that finally we had slightly cooler, breezy, more autumn-like weather.  It's been a beautifully sunny day as well, so I'm hopeful that tomorrow the shed will be dry enough to begin work on once again.  Fingers crossed that I can actually get one coat on some of the shed walls.

But in the meantime, while trying to avoid, visually and mentally, the stove sitting in the middle of the kitchen still and trying to work off my frustration that I've heard nothing at all from the contractor, I went around the house and opened all the windows.  That breezy air coming in was so nice and so very necessary too.  I think fresh air is good for the mental atmosphere as well as improving air quality indoors.

Since I found the stove a bothersome sort of thing, I decided that I would clean the kitchen floors really well today.  That meant removing all the rugs, moving out the free-standing furniture pieces, sweeping twice and then mopping with hot pine scented water.  One thing I've missed with my flooring is that I was told not to use Pine Sol to mop them.   I've used vinegar water with a few drops of dish soap and a few drops of essential oil.  Today I used Pine essential oil.

And since the doggone stove was in the middle of the floor, I might as well mop the space where it typically sits, right?  That's what I thought, too.  

I bought new brooms the other day.  Brooms are expensive, in my opinion and never mind that I used the last of mine daily for four years before I replaced it.  There was a broom and long handled dustpan combination that was reasonable compared to the other options, but the broom handles were only as long as the dustpan handle.  They were meant to be used with one hand and not two hands as one would traditionally sweep.  I just screwed the new broom head off the short handle and replaced my worn broom head with the new one on the old longer broom handles.  

And those shorter broom handles will not go to waste.  It is my hope that they will screw into my paint rollers and be the right length for reaching the peaks of the sheds.  We'll see how that goes.  I'm still a bit shocked the new heads fit the old broom handles, lol.

After mopping and refurnishing the kitchen, I cut up an older fiber filled bed pillow and made an insert for an oddly sized needlepoint pillow cover I have.  Now that is done, I am down to cleaning the kitchen windows and properly hemming the new laundry curtain, getting two pictures reframed and matted, and buying new kitchen rugs and that room is done with deep cleaning and decorating...But I'm not quite there, yet.

I reminded myself, whenever I allowed my thoughts to stray to that silly stove, that for two days I have solved several 'problems' under my own thinking power and I'll figure out how to get around this issue with the stove, as well.  I am just inconvenienced by a temporary state of things, that's all.

later:  I had a plan in mind and called Sam.  Oh, how I hated to make another call to him, but I wanted only his opinion about my plan.  Well...in about a minute, Sam managed to shift the countertop the 1/16th of an inch it had moved when I took out the stove and slipped the stove right into the spot as if it were sliding in on melted butter!

Honestly, I nearly cried right then and there.  I didn't.  But golly gee, I was that amazed and that grateful to that son of mine.  

So now that concern is over and done.  Hooray.  I'll not lie awake worrying over it tonight!

God bless Sam for being so ready to come when I call with a problem such as this.

Somewhere between Tuesday and Wednesday post, I seemingly inadvertently posted the blog.  I didn't mean to do so and reverted it to a draft but realized later that it had been automatically sent to those of you subscribed to the feed.  So, if you'd had a feeling of deja vu up to here, I do apologize.  Just mark it all up to my being scattered brained and frustrated and recuperating still.

Wednesday, October 7:  Another beautiful dewy and sunshiny morning outdoors.  I've been waking early lately, anywhere between 6:30 and 7:15, so I've had the pleasure of seeing sunrise though none of them have been breathtaking.  Just the slow lightening of the horizon and the beginning glittering on the dewy grass.

It was cool enough this morning I donned my new pair of slippers before I went to the porch with my coffee.  It was just lovely out there.  Sassy came to join me once she'd eaten her breakfast and even got a little playful which is very unusual for her.   She is by nature, cautious and sedate and slow.  I don't know if she is just that skittish or has poor eyesight, but she is not the sort of cat to play about.  She truly is the most cautious cat I've ever seen.

After I'd had coffee, I came indoors and made cheese biscuits.  I'd meant to make sausage gravy to go with them, but I didn't have enough milk thawed.  I decided I didn't really need gravy on a cheese biscuit anyway, and I don't.  The biscuits turned out very well.  I put several unbaked biscuits into the freezer and will take them out one at a time as I want them for a meal.

After I'd done minor house things I headed back outdoors to start painting the shed again.  I didn't get as far as I'd have liked, though I stayed outdoors for about 2 hours.  I didn't quite get one whole coat on the front of the shed, but I did get the recessed strips in the paneling done.  I don't mind saying, I'm seriously wondering about a paint sprayer because this roller and brush method is a time killer.  

Perhaps I should have worked on the side I'd started on and haven't quite finished but the other day I looked out the window at the shed and realized I couldn't see any of the new paint at all.  Reward is in seeing the new work for me.  It is what will drive me forward with the project.

Today I noted that I'd already used a bit more than half a gallon of paint and I've done one coat on not quite three sides...That means I'm going to have to use the second gallon to finish this shed and buy more paint to do the other shed. So the other shed may just have to wait until next month.

However, I will say that painting the front today, even though I didn't quite finish, does help me to see that the color is lovely, truly lovely and exactly what I wanted it to be.  

When I stopped today, I felt a little frustrated that I'd not done more but I keep reminding myself that "At least I did something," which is apparently the motto this month.  I'm doing something.  I may not be making great inroads but I'm getting things done and they are things which overwhelmed me just thinking about.  

 Yesterday while Sam was here, he asked if I was all right.  I assured him I was.  "Are you sure?"  "Yes...why do you ask?"  "Well, your Facebook posts..."  Oh.

I guess he didn't see my post on September 30 saying that for the month of October I was going to write a post a day about depression, since October is Depression Awareness Month.  I had planned to share facts as well as some of my personal history.  I explained to him that I'd wanted to help others who might suffer with depression and he seemed deeply relieved.  I am so sorry he had been worried. 

Katie had Henry tested for autism last month.  He's not speaking much at present.  The tests came back today, and he is on the autism spectrum.  Coming right in the middle of a mental health struggle, I was far more worried about her than Henry, who will receive therapies that will help him tremendously.  Though it's a blow to her, I will say she's held up well.  But I will ask again that you all keep her in prayer.  It's a lot to deal with your own mental health, and deal with a job and household and children with special needs that must be addressed as well.  

She asked me if God gave the hardest battles only to those who were strong warriors.  I told her I believed He gave hard battles to those who often felt they were too broken to be useful so they could learn how strong they truly are.

Now I am off to research stoves.  I need to buy a new one.  I knew I needed to long before I yanked mine out three days ago, because the oven door doesn't shut fully.  Well in an attempt to help further last night, after Sam got it pushed into place, he straightened the hinge for me.  And now it won't shut at all...Not his fault.  The stove is already 30 years old, and I can't help but feel a new one might be the best answer at this stage of things.   While I'm at the DIY store website I think I'll look for a paint sprayer as well.  

Thursday, October 8:  Sheesh...First, paint sprayers are terribly pricey.  There is one option that's fairly reasonable from a decent brand, but it operates with a battery powered drill.  John has three drills in the shed and I'm here to tell you without any battery at all, those things are heavy as heck.  I cannot imagine adding the weight of the battery and the filled paint spray canister and the sprayer.  I think I'll just stick to the more labor-intensive paint brush and roller method.  

Second, natural gas stoves abound.  Liquid propane ready stoves?  One model and it cost literally three times what a decent natural gas stove costs.  Wowza.

And third, since I'm apparently in a testing season, I went out to start the Honda, thinking I ought to drive it today when I had to go out and the darn battery is dead again.  I know beyond a shadow that I need to get a new battery...sigh, sigh, and grumble.

So, I went to the only thing I seem able to do at present and painted more of the shed.  I finished the first gallon of paint.  That has most of the front of the shed done, two coats on the west side, but only about half the strips done between boards and one coat on the back.  All of these areas are not fully complete.  I cannot reach as high as the peak of the shed nor quite to the eave on the sides.   I was so ready to quit and come indoors but I determined that since the paint can was nearly empty, I'd use up every last drop before I called myself done today.  I've now been painting on that shed for about 8 hours and I'm not done.  

After I'd come indoors and cooled off, I showered and went off to do my errands.  I considered jumping the Honda battery but then I worried I might not get home again...I could have driven to an auto parts store and got them to install a new battery, but that seemed a bother.  I thought about going to Lowe's to check out stoves, but I decided that too was a bother.  I went instead to pay the electric bill, then to check the missionary mail which I'd not checked in a few weeks and into the grocery store next door.

I am getting so much better about shopping from a list and NOT being too self-indulgent.  At the moment, aside from eggs and milk, I have no plans to buy further groceries for October.  I simply don't need any more that I can name at present.  My splurge today was some golden kiwi which I'd read taste better than the green kiwi.  And Kiwi are not only terrific for Vitamin C (my intent) they supposedly help your sleep and can raise serotonin levels.

I say I splurged but it wasn't really a big splurge.  It cost $1 more than the same number of green kiwis.  The bigger splurge was the bakery hot dog buns.  I've been craving chili dogs for a week now, but I haven't made time to make buns.  I didn't want the usual brand bread buns from the store but the brioche type buns from the bakery section.  They cost a bit more than the brand bread buns, but they taste so much better and are far sturdier meaning I can use them as sandwich or hoagie buns as well.

And then I decided I would make my own chili instead of buying a canned chili.  It occurs to me at this moment that if I'm going to make chili, I'd have plenty of time to make my own buns...Pfft.  Didn't think of that in the store!

As I came home, I realized I was tired.  I had treated myself to an unsweetened tea, but the caffeine boost wasn't enough to energize me. I hadn't unloaded the dishwasher nor done dishes and if you're counting that is three days running now.  The kitchen is looking pretty bad at the moment.  And to think that just Monday I'd worked so hard on making it look terrific once more.  Housework always has to be redone, no matter how nicely you did it before.

Well, housework is patient if nothing else.  It always waits.  And wait it shall do for tomorrow.  I apparently cannot do both housework and errands and paint a shed and worry about all the things that seem to keep being flung at me in a most distracting manner without getting tired and thinking life is hard.  Mind you all, in the morning, following a good night of rest, I'll be optimistic all over again.

I have been trying to read Finding Dorothy by Elizabeth Letts.  I realized yesterday that while I am interested enough to keep reading, the book is not compelling enough to read non-stop.  It's not a bad book.  But it's a bit confusing in the way they move from the far past to the present (1939) and the author continually hints that there is a reason why this or that is important to the present but more than halfway through the book (it has taken me nearly 3 weeks to get that far), I'm not convinced even the author was sure what was going to happen at that point!

I always feel guilty for taking up a book and then leaving it half read.  However, that was where I've found myself this week.

What I've wanted to read is a book that felt like going home...and for me that means a book I've read before.  It happens that I read Karen Hawkens book, The Book Charmer, late last summer I think and I really enjoyed it a lot.  So much so that I'd planned to try to find the other books in her Dove Pond series and read them.  Well, I bought the four-book series last month and this morning, I picked up The Book Charmer.  I'm already on Chapter 4.  This is what I wanted.  It's a good book to re-read and I'm really looking forward to reading the other books in the series.

This evening the sky looked like cotton candy.  It was so pretty and I was admiring it.  I blinked and the sky had changed to a sky of pure flame and then cherry pink.  It was breathtaking.  A lovely way to finish off this day.

It's funny...those dishes in the sink are not calling my name at all, but that book is...Good night, y'all.

Friday, October 9:  Perhaps it's just the result of a constant pinging of minor things that never seem to stop hitting me, or maybe it was the effects of barometric pressure, but I found today very hard, difficult emotionally.  I mulled over the dead battery in the car, pondered the stove issue, watched the weather and finally acknowledged that it was as well that the trip planned to take place this weekend fell through.  I haven't heard from Mama and finally called my niece to see if she was all right.  She was fine when Ashley saw her mid-week.  Why she is not answering calls or texting is your guess.  Perhaps she's played with her phone again and shut it off.  

I continue to croak like a frog and cough and have a stuffy nose.  And this evening, too late to call my bank, I received a notice from a credit card that my payment had been returned by the bank.  I checked online balances and there was more than enough to let that payment through (which I knew) but I now must pay a late fee and wait until Monday to call the company to discover just why they denied the payment.

Then I walked across the kitchen floor to put away something and back again and stepped on a piece of glass that pierced my foot. I haven't broken anything in ages and ages.  I think I swept it out from under the dishwasher with the new broom... It happened that Bess was on her way over to borrow some paper clips and she did the minor surgery to remove the glass and took time to put triple antibiotic and a band aid on it.  I was weepy and unhappy by then and feeling life was hard and difficult.  In fact, I've struggled all day today with feeling blue and burdened.  

The truth is I'd like to run away for a bit.  I know you can't avoid your troubles, but I really do just want to walk away for a bit and not deal with any more this week.  However, with all the finances about to be spent (stove, battery, more paint for sheds) I guess I won't be going anywhere but staying home, plugging along waiting for the next thing to hit me.   

It's just a season.  I know it's just a season.

I finished the book I started yesterday in between rounds of getting lots of housework done today, while rain fell outdoors. I allowed myself a Bourbon and Coke with my chili dog supper tonight.  I'm going to go to bed early tonight and sleep in tomorrow morning.  

This too shall pass.

Another Gramma Date and October

Saturday, September 26:  I did not feel well today.  This time it's a tooth, a tender-ish tooth, that appeared to be threatening to become infected.  However, I had made a promise to Millie that we'd absolutely have our Gramma Date today and I had no intention of letting her down.  Tylenol, swish with an antiseptic, employ a natural remedy, pull up the Gramma pants and GO.  And that's what I did.  

Millie laughed and chatted all the way over to Warner Robins.  She'd asked to go to Wendy's and yes, she knew just what she wanted to eat: Chicken Nuggets and fries in a kid's meal with a Dr. Pepper, and a cheeseburger and a Frosty.  Since the kid's meal had only four chicken nuggets, and Millie has grown by at least 3 inches in the past 3 months, I thought it likely she might eat the cheeseburger, or at least part of it.  And she did eat part of it.  She also dipped her fries in her chocolate Mr. Frosty, "Because I've seen people do it on YouTube..."  I don't think she much liked it, but she tried it.  "Why do they do that?"  I told her, "Perhaps because of the contrasts.  You know, salty/sweet, hot/cold?"  She didn't say much about it after that, but she had the satisfaction of saying she'd tried it.

We went over to Katie's afterwards.  As with Isaac, I'd donated money to Millie's bookfair and so I didn't feel inclined to take her shopping.  Bella was visiting and she and Millie get along beautifully.  Caleb was over the moon to have both his cousin and stepsister to play with and treated them admirably.  He has a bit of his Grampa's liking for females and the desire to be a little courtly with them.

They played outdoors in the heat.  Children can get sticky and red-faced and still be perfectly happy to be outdoors.  I wish I still had that capacity.  All I want to do is stay inside in the AC.  

I think Millie had a good day.  On the way home, she sang "I'm a Hap-py, Happy dog, I'm a happy, happy dog!"  She sings very well, but unlike Isaac is not prone to singing.  Since the song was consistently sung on the way home, I'd say she was a Happy, happy Girl!

Katie came over this evening.  Her purpose was two-fold, or perhaps three-fold.  She wanted one on one Mama time.  She needed to sit on the porch and absorb the country peace and quiet.  And she brought me the pie safe my middle brother built in high school shop class.  Mama had tucked it into a closet and left it when she moved out of her house in town.  Katie had retrieved and used it in her home for years.  And now it's come to live here.

Well, I gave Katie the one-on-one time she wanted and watched a little of the stress of life melt off her shoulders, and let her cry a little too, because as Granny said, "Crying releases steam..."  I also sent her home with two or three ready prepared meals that hopefully will help alleviate some of the working mom pressure to have a meal ready at the end of the day.   That and listening were my best gifts.

After she left, I moved the pie safe into its new space in my home.  I thought about my brother making it in high school shop. He built several pieces of furniture for Mama in shop, and I wondered if he'd be surprised to know this piece is in use now, 50 years after he'd made it.  It's not fancy, but a little rustic, sturdy, just like old fashioned pie safes used to be.  Chuck has been dead nearly 30 years.  

Sunday, September 27:  It was in the 50's last night.  I went out onto the porch this morning when I got up and sat there in the sunshine and fresh air and had my coffee.  I played hooky from church which I'd sort of planned to do.  I'd anticipated having another day of my tooth bothering me, but it was better.  However, I'd apparently spent the night clenching my jaw and my head and face ached and my teeth felt sore overall but on the other side of my mouth.  I'll confess, I felt off in other ways, but I was darned if I could determine exactly what ailed me.   

I was not sorry to miss church, though I felt I ought to be.  What better church to sit in than a sunny porch on an autumn morning, listening to the birds and the puzzling racket and rustle in the woods just across the yard?

That rustling and racket was a squirrel building a nest.  And there was nothing harmonious about it.  That squirrel fussed and scolded and chittered at the world all the morning long, at least while the windows were open to air the house and for all I know he kept it up long after the windows were shut.  I don't know if they build nests alone or to share, never having bothered to be interested enough to study their habits but I should most certainly say that I hope they find being warm and snug this winter far nicer than the building of the nest!

Sam came over and had a long visit with me this morning.  He and I had a bit of catching up to do.  

I mentioned my sore teeth.  He winced and mentioned our former dentist.  We both laughed over the little old woman hygienist who used to clean our teeth.  To be honest, she was one of the reasons, I dropped routine dental cleanings.  She was a tiny little thing but my word she had the strength of Hercules, and she was absolutely convinced that plaque was her personal mountain to flatten and she worked at it hard as she could.  She left me sore and aching many a time for days following a cleaning and Sam admitted today that she'd made him feel the same.  At any rate, it wasn't the dentist we dreaded, it was his hygienist.  Why we didn't go to the other dentist in town is beyond me...

Eventually Sam headed home and I puttered around doing light housework, then I went back to the study and worked on my September memory journal.  I have a page or three done, have pictures printed for more pages, but after a few hours, I was just ready to quit and go sit outdoors again.

Sassy is loving having company outdoors and I'm happy to pay attention to her now that the gnats are fewer and there's a somewhat steady breeze to cool down the afternoons.  I'm so happy the cooler weather has finally come to Georgia, though it is to be in the 90s most of this week, but the nights and mornings are really cooler and I reckon I can deal with a little Indian Summer before we head back down to the cooler temperatures at the end of the week.

I have tired of drifting through weeks, watching too much television, and reading far too much...I by no means want to return to my previous habit of never having time to read, but I do not want to waste these mild, sunny days when I might accomplish something of the much-needed work outdoors.  Nor do I want to run myself in the ground by working too hard.   I hope to find a medium place where I get something done and I have time to read each day as well.  Predictions are for a rainy autumn/winter.  I have painting I should do outdoors prior to another winter.  Of course, that means I also need to go buy paint and supplies which means I need to go to a store to get those things because so far, wishing hasn't made them appear.  Sigh.  It's not really the work I dread.  It's all the stuff that is necessary that finally leads to the work being done.  

But my point isn't that I need to shop but that I must FOCUS and determine what I need to do the jobs on my list and which are truly important (painting IS) and which are not (digging out flower beds just now) and then doing what is necessary to begin doing.

I have decided that each day must begin with opening the house windows and allowing fresh air in every day.  And I need to sit outdoors, once in the morning, once in the afternoon/evening.  No phone in the morning prior to drinking my first cup of coffee.  That should be quiet time, with Bible reading hopefully, though I've stopped being so darn rigid about morning Bible reading and just make it a point to pick it up at any point in the day and trying to read at least a portion of a chapter each day.  So far, so good on that score.  

My week will be bookended by Monday and Friday which are my two main housekeeping days.  I have three days in between which may be devoted to project work, and that frees my focus Monday and Friday to be solely upon the house, meals, etc.  I think that ought to work admirably well.  I'm leaving my weekends completely free.  That's time for the family and rest and play.

And so I hope in that way to stop drifting aimlessly about, aware of too many things that need doing and never getting to any of them.

Monday, September 28:  I must be in a season.  I have a tooth bothering me on the other side of my mouth this morning.  Sigh.  I have an impending dentist appointment in the weeks ahead but I'd very much like to avoid an emergency visit anywhere.  Fortunately, I have a good idea of how to deal with the mild irritation I'm experiencing. Fingers crossed, prayers said, it will right itself this week.

It was quite cool this morning, which made me recall that Sam asked if I'd turned on my heating yet.  I was a bit aghast at him to be honest.  I mean, turn on the heat in September?  John used to argue against the heat coming on before November 1!  I myself am not a stoic sort but no mere 55F morning is going to get me to turn on the heat now.   Mind you all, it has yet to be much less than 68 indoors and since that is where I generally have my thermostat for winter, I'm not going to be turning it on just yet.

However, I was mindful this morning that it won't be long before I shall want my heavier quilt on the bed and a blanket as well.  It did feel rather luxurious to snuggle under the covers in a warm nest while I waited for the alarm to ring.  It was too cool to just get out of bed right away simply because I woke, which is my summer months way of rising.

I finished the book Wives and Daughters this morning during my coffee time.  I wasn't aware that the author had never written the last chapter, dying before she'd completed the series of publications that made up the book.  However, her editor added the 'facts' readers most wanted to know: did the heroine get the man she loved? He assured readers that was indeed Mrs. Gaskell's plan all along.  

It was quite a long read, but I enjoyed it thoroughly.  Now I shall choose another book from the stack I placed by my chair at the end of August.  I do believe I have enough time to complete one more!  

I've been busy all morning.  Menu plans, checking in with the bank to see what has gone through, setting up the page for October bills, tidying, finishing off projects started over the weekend...The day has gone by rather quickly, but I feel productive and happy with all that I've done.

Tuesday, September 29:  I was so upset yesterday when I received a notice of my current balance on a credit card.  Not their fault but mine.  I'd used it and used it and that balance went up and up.  I decided then and there my new rule was NOT to spend money I hadn't already set aside.  And then I went over my budget sheet, and I HAD set aside money to cover nearly all of those things!  Hooray for me!   No need to worry about how I'll cover that balance, it's fairly done.

Looking and listening to all the weather forecasts it occurred to me that of all the outdoor tasks I have, the most important ones involve painting while it's dry outdoors.  That spurred me to change my project plan of cleaning off the patio (can wait for any day no matter how briefly dry) and get to work on the sheds or porches.  I'd become daunted by (a) the size of the jobs and (b) the supplies required.  No small thing, since paint is so high as well as the cost of supplies.  

I had planned a trip to Lowe's with the intent of getting paint and supplies today, even if only enough to do one shed.  Well...I nearly backed out of the whole thing because I felt so rotten.  And no it's not my teeth any longer.  I just plain don't feel good but can't put a ready finger on WHY.  Never mind.  Looking at the weather spurred me on.  It's meant to rain this weekend and all the first of next week.  And the odds of rain are very high indeed.  However, the next three days are meant to be dry and it's just the window I need to get started.

So, I went off to Lowe's and chose paint.    I was ready to make a change. They will be a dark farmhouse blue-grey with white trim.   I wandered around gathering brushes, rollers, etc. while the paint was being mixed.  And then I found two one-gallon cans of mis-tinted greys for $15 each.  They are two different colors.  

You might think I was tempted to change my mind and go for grey.  No.  I still went with blue-grey for the sheds.  But those two cans of paint can be mixed to paint porch floors and saved me about $45 per gallon.  I'm glad I spied them.

After the shock of my total (2 gallons of blue, 1 gallon of white for trim, two gallons of grey and sundry brushes, rollers, etc.) I decided it was as well not to even think of looking at mums that I might well not have time to plant any time to plant at the moment.  

Since I was in the area and payday is only two days away, I went on to the grocery.  I had a free dozen eggs coupon at Kroger I wanted to use before the end of this month.  I had my grocery list with me.  Not the "what's on sale list" (nothing on my list!) but the list of things I am out of or nearly out of entirely and have not seen a single sale on in ages.  I spent about $148 for just plain food, and it was all food I truly needed, not frivolous spending.  Every bit of it is meant for October, and restocking the pantry, too.  Not for the last two days of September.  I was careful not to over purchase fresh produce, which is my greatest temptation.  I focused on adding frozen and canned vegetables to the pantry and freezer.  All in all, I think it was a good day of spending and being thoughtful about what I was purchasing.  But please allow me to say a quiet "Ow," just the same.

I'm looking forward to starting on the shed project.  I'm not planning to slay myself, but I think once started I should be able to accomplish a good bit before it gets too hot to work each day.  I also have the advantage of having shade to work in part of each morning which will be a help, too.  I'm excited to have what's needed to start working on projects.  Now if I'll just have the same feeling of excitement tomorrow morning when I wake, lol.

Wednesday, September 30:  I've been undecided if I have allergies or a cold.  I still don't know.  It began as just not feeling well, but with two different teeth troubling me as well, I thought perhaps I was fighting off an infection, and it was just my body reacting to that.  Then I woke Tuesday morning with a chesty sort of cough and a little head congestion.  My chest does not have the burning sensation I typically have when I'm deep in a chest cold, so I blew it off and went out shopping for paint supplies sand groceries.  

I will share that though I was dressed for warmer weather I nearly melted.  I so longed to pull off the kimono I put on over my tank top but the tank gaps right under the arms and I was reluctant to have my bra showing.  I was so glad to get home t and pull off that kimono and tank top and put on something else.

This morning, I felt decidedly worse.  I was so excited by the idea of painting the shed that I got up anyway.  Well, it was foggy as could be.  No painting until the fog burned off.  I had a leisurely coffee, did my Bible reading, had breakfast, gathered my supplies and then decided to start a crock pot meal for my supper tonight.  I made a bit jug of water to go wtih me outdoors.  I had a lunch plan and ready food for when I walked back indoors.  

With one thing and another and supplies not quite where I thought they were, I ended up not getting outdoors until 12:30.  And it was really warm.  I had been sweating up a storm indoors. I pushed myself to go outdoors and work anyway though I admit I was feeling more and more awful by the minute.

I started on my shed. I got one side done (except for the cutting in) with two coats of paint and one coat on half of the backside before I called it quits.  I really like the color, but it's far greyer than I'd realized.  It's called Bungalow Blue but it's more like a deep slate blue.  I like it.  I really do.  And I was pleased that what I got done went far more quickly than I'd anticipated.

I came indoors and it was 1:15, but I knew that was it for me.  I cooled off, showered, ate lunch and then lay down in the bed and took a long hard nap of three hours.  The sort of deep sleep that you have to fight your way back to the surface from.  It was that which convinced me that darn it, I'm sick.  I'm beyond just not feeling well.  And I'm ready to kick the whole blamed world over it.  I had so much I wanted to get done before the rainy weekend ahead!

Then Katie texted me that she's struggling with the same chesty sort of cough and congestion and felt really awful...Dang.

I discovered the Honda has a dead (nearly) battery.  Apparently, the seat belt didn't retract and caught on the door jamb.  I didn't realize that it had and it kept the door from fully shutting.  I'm determined I'm going to TRY to take care of this by myself before I call Sam.  At least I can try!  There's a world of videos and tutorials on such basic car care as this.  I figure my greatest challenge is trying to release the hood latch, something I've never done successfully yet.  

But I'm not trying today.  No, indeed I am not.  I've had my lovely Braised Beef Shank for supper with lots of lovely broth.  I'm going to put away the leftovers and no kidding, I'm going to get ready to go back to bed even though it's just past sunset, because that is what I feel most like doing.  Cars, paint, sheds...it will all be there tomorrow!

Friday, October 2:  This is not the way I planned to greet October...

Yesterday I was determined, despite how I felt to get outdoors and work on the shed again.  However, foggy start to the day led me to work on doing laundry, baking bread, cleaning up a little indoors.  And by the time the bread had baked, and I could freely go outdoors, I felt so ill and irritable and pitiful that I crawled into my chair and went right to sleep and slept for about 3 hours again.  The sort of deep sleep you swim up from the bottom to the surface and try to break through to awaken, only to sink all over again back into deep sleep.

I assured myself later that I could go out in the evening and work on the shed, but no.  I did NOT feel at all up to that and so I just puttered around indoors for a few minutes and then crept back to my chair exhausted and ready for bed.  

I woke feeling a bit better today though I still have a chesty cough.  I did not think I wanted to tackle painting.  Instead, I stripped the bed and bath and changed out my warm weather bedding for cooler weather stuff.  I puttered around indoors doing various Friday cleaning tasks, slowly, but without too many rest breaks.

I did try to jump off the Honda without any luck.  I followed an online tutorial, and I tried two different grounding points, but my battery is really truly dead, or the alternator is shot.  I resorted to exactly what I didn't want to do and texted Sam for help.  I've looked up information on the car, and I can't find that we've had a new battery in that car in ages, so perhaps I need a new one.   

I really wanted to do this myself, but I'd like a second opinion on the battery before I proceed. But hey, I tried and I didn't blow up either car, so there's something.

I'm considering it a bonus that today I've had no nap, and I feel okay without one.  I'm not lively but I'm not feeling as weak and worn out as I did. That's progress.  

I don't have plans for the weekend, beyond the car battery.  I'm not sure I'll be going to church again this week.  I'd rather see how this cough is going before I expose folks.  My church group is very huggy and hand shaky, which is nice, but they tend to swoop in suddenly on you and don't give you a chance to throw up a back off sign, lol.  I would hate to expose anyone to this mess.  And here's hoping that this is my last illness for this year.  Phooey on all this sick stuff.  I'm ready to get busy!

Goldenrod Has Bloomed!

 

Saturday, September 19:  Today was my Gramma date with Isaac.  I knew it would be a good day with him when he came out to the car smiling shyly at me.  Isaac prefers to look stern and hide his emotions, but he couldn't help looking pleased and happy.  He brought along his tablet and pretty much kept his nose stuck to the screen the whole ride over to McDonald's (his choice for lunch), but he did answer the questions I asked and tell me a thing or two voluntarily that had nothing to do with questions asked.

He left the tablet in the car when we went in to eat our lunch and boy was it like turning on a faucet and not knowing how to stop the flow at that point.  That boy talked and laughed and talked and talked.  He told me jokes, of things that went on at school or home.  At one point he made a comment and used a word that I didn't quite catch.  It was unusual, not bad, but he quickly apologized and said, "Oh that word means..." and he told me what it was then added, "I forgot you were old."  Despite myself I chuckled and he quickly apologized.  

Issac is blunt and direct.  He never means to hurt, and it's only been in the past year he himself can hear how what he says may sound.  I confess that this was a point he and John often got hung up on, because John would get his feelings hurt and sulk and then Isaac would be upset that he'd hurt John and he'd sulk, too, which made them both a bit snippy with one another.    There was nothing I could do about it but hope they'd work their own way around to an understanding and towards the end, they had begun to do just that.

Well, Isaac has learned to explain himself and today he said after his apology, "Would it have been better to say you were elderly or that you were a Gramma?"  "Gramma would have been a little nicer," I assured him and congratulated him on thinking about how what he says sounds to the hearer.  

When we got back to the car, he never did turn his computer back on.  He just continued to talk.  I taught him that ancient song, "Found a Peanut" after I found an escaped peanut from my ice cream cup. He asked me to sing the song two or three times more and then he made up a game that involved passing cars that lasted until we got back to our hometown.  

We took many country highways home, and I was so happy to see that, at last, just two days shy of Autumn, the goldenrod has finally begun to bloom!  It gladdened my heart to see it.  It might not get cool, but still the blooming goldenrod is a sure sign that autumn is on its way.

When we arrived at Isaac's house, Sam came to ask if I still had a tv antenna he'd given us years ago.  As it happened, at some point last month while I was in the shed, I'd stacked it near the door with sundry other items to be donated.  I never went back to load them into the car.  I stopped on my way up the driveway and pulled it from the stack.  Then I loaded as much of all the other donations as I could into the car.  Might as well while I was right there even if it was stinking hot outdoors.

A big boom of thunder made me scamper to shut the trunk and the shed door and pull the car around to the carport, so I could hurry inside.  It thundered for the next four hours with no more than six drops of rain to go with all the fuss.

Honestly, it was a lovely Saturday.

Sunday, September 20:  I am hungry...I wasn't hungry when I came home from church and I settled into my chair to read blogs.  But now, I find I am genuinely hungry.  This lackadaisical sort of approach to mealtimes is both freeing and a little risky.  If I eat lunch now, at 3pm when will I eat supper?  Or do I skip supper and then find myself very hungry indeed and looking for something lighter to snack on around 9pm?  I much prefer to stick to an eating window that runs 10 am -7 pm but my body does not always cooperate with me on that!

I was well pleased with my outfit when I left for church this morning.  I have a nice and very comfortable pair of navy trousers, my new brown Skechers, a thin off-white blouse that I put on over a white tank and just because I know it tends to get chilly in church, my new brown cardigan which is super soft and lightweight.  Nothing fancy but I felt nice.  Until I got to the car and looked down and realized I was wearing navy pant with brown shoes...and John absolutely thought that navy and brown were absolutely NOT meant to be paired together and he was quite adamant about it.  Mind you this is the same man who preferred nothing but black shirts and blue jeans, so why I suddenly thought his sense of fashion should shake my conviction of how I looked is beyond me.

Lovely morning at church.  I arrived early enough I was able to speak with several folks I knew before service as well as after.  I'd told Sam I'd come home early so he could visit today.  Then Katie contacted me as I was leaving to say she was home from taking Taylor to meet her dad and to come over.  I bowed out of that, came home and here I've sat since I arrived, with no company.  I know Sam will likely come over after supper tonight if he didn't come after lunch. 

(He didn't...and I admit I was a bit hurt because I'd so looked forward to having a visit with him.)  We haven't had time to catch up in nearly two weeks, so I'd like to see him.  But I do admit, if I'd known he wouldn't be coming until later, I would have gone by Katie's before I headed home as I feel I've barely seen that family at all this month.  

Oh well.  I'm off to see what I can gather and make a very late lunch out of...

Monday, September 21:  In just three hours we will officially be 24 hours from entering into Autumn.  Apparently, our weather received notice...It is meant to be considerably cooler from the first day.  By considerably I do not mean crispy or even what others might say feels cool.  It will be very mild, not in the 96-100F range at all and honestly when you've been greeted with real heat daily, 80-85F is practically Chili weather!

Now if only the weather report will prove anywhere near reliable.  I'm afraid the forecasters, are, as John once said, "False prophets, every one of them!"  So, I shall reserve my real excitement for when I actually SEE that the temperatures have dropped.

However, a more reliable sign of a season approaching arrived today: the propane gas man came by to check my tank.  For the first time in years, I needed no fill-up at this time (and no wonder when it's so hot!).  But I do expect that I will receive a bit in November.   

I had a crud night for sleep.  No clue why.  I slept two hours, woke, couldn't go back to sleep, got up and had a cup of coffee and read several chapters in both of my books.  Since sleep still remained elusive and it was now gone past 5:30 and I was hungry, I made myself breakfast.  For some reason, once having eaten warm food, my body decided that it could after all be sleepy and tired and I toddled off to bed and slept for a good three more hours which is enough to manage on.

When I woke, I threw open the windows to air the house, fed Sassy and spoke to Stranger cat, who almost ran up to the porch this morning.   Then I came indoors and contemplated the day.  

I did NOT have another cup of coffee nor a second breakfast.  I was ready to go to work.  That's how I know I had enough sleep.  

I cleaned my bathroom really well, including cleaning the window and decluttering three of the baskets on my closet shelves.  I felt very satisfied when I left that room this morning.  It sparkled and shone and smelled clean and the closet shelves looked tidy and neat.  I also had a fresh list of things I want to do, need to buy, or recalled seeing in my shed and thought could serve a purpose in this room. Honestly, I think only one item, perhaps two, are to be purchased and one of those is a stick vacuum.  I find that the dirt/dust in our bathroom is powdery fine and I think a stick vacuum would pick up that dirt off the floor better than my broom does.  But then again, perhaps a broom and a damp mop would work as well.

From there I made my way into my bedroom.  The work there was less intensive, but I determined that today was the day to remove the donations from my room.  I have loaded my car trunk with donations from my shed, and these may as well go over in the same trip.

Then it was Money Monday and Menu Monday time.  I like to check in and make sure I've accounted for my spending from the past week, check to see which bills are due, etc.  And then I looked at the week ahead, what I have in the fridge that I need to use, check the freezer, etc. and plan meals, often all three meals for each day.  Then I made out a grocery list.  I try to keep a running list on the fridge that I add to (or strike off) items as the week goes on.  

And by the time I'd done that, I decided I was really hungry once again (it was now 12:45).  I made myself a tuna salad plate and my gracious that really was delicious, as were the saltines.  Hunger does indeed make a great appetizer.  

From this point in the day, I puttered. I washed the olive-green blouse once again, having discovered one area that didn't quite give up the oily stain.  I watered plants, refreshed flowers, did dishes, put things away, read emails, etc.  Just little things that in and of themselves aren't heavy duty or hard but all put together fill an afternoon.  

Wednesday, September 23:  Autumn is finally here.  I looked at the calendar and was surprised to see that officially Autumn didn't start until 8:09pm on September 22.  I was amazed.  I think at every point in the past, I would have believed it began in the morning of the day but no, it occurs after sundown.  And if you all knew that, then please ignore my ignorance!

It was also the six-month mark of John's death.  I am happy to say that I handled the day pretty well overall.  I remembered his last day of life and things that he said or wrote, who was with me and how dear they all are though I've not seen anyone except my own children since.  But these people are the sort who will ALWAYS be a friend to me and I to them.  That's the sort of friends they are.

I spent the day yesterday playing in the kitchen.  I had some cooked ground venison in the fridge and determined that I should use the eggroll wrappers I also had to make Southwestern Egg Rolls.  I tell you sincerely, there is no recipe.  Basically, you add red/orange/yellow bell peppers, a jalapeno, onions, and garlic and taco spice to the meat, along with black beans and corn.  Then you place some cheese (I used Pepper Jack because I am a spicy girl) and a scoop of the meat mixture and rolled in the wrappers.  

They turned out very good.  I baked them instead of frying, thinking I'd have a less oily product.  Not true.  I overdid it with my spray oil.  However, they still tasted terrific.  I blotted excess oil with paper towels and froze 10 of them for the future which I will reheat in the air fryer.

I also noted that two of the apples from North Georgia I'd picked up at the farm shed, had a bad spot.  I trimmed off the bad spot and shredded the apples and made a lovely muffin that I used sour cream in (about to expire and trying to use up).  I have no recipe to share.  I went by baking instinct alone, but it worked out beautifully.  The muffins are tender and delicate and delicious.  I made a caramel drizzle to go over the top to 'dress them up'.  

I was very happy with the results in my kitchen this week.  I think I've finally got my cooking mojo back!

This morning I decided to take a half dozen muffins with me to my friend's house where I was meeting her for a girls' day out.  It felt so nice to have something to take to give someone.  

I confess I was a bit disappointed in the weather. First day of autumn, and it was cooler.  Also, so humid that just walking to the car left me wet with perspiration.  I kept looking for signs of autumn all the way over to Susan's home.  I drive along country backroads to her place.  Aside from golden rod there wasn't a thing.  

Until I turned a corner on Susan's road and then I saw her.  It was a smaller tree, tucked up amongst pine and cedar and oak.  This was a small tree that stood no more than 8 or 9 feet tall amongst her neighboring trees.  But this girl was dressed in the loveliest new copper-colored leaves.  I smiled.  "Someone came ready for the Autumn party!" I said, as I slowed to get a better view of her.  I was so proud to see her all decked out that when we left Susan's, I insisted on driving back past her just so Susan could see the glory of her as well.

We had a nice day.  We never lack for things to say and while we typically shop in thrift and antique stores, today went a little differently.  We visited Hobby Lobb fabric department and then sort of wandered through the autumn stuff which was crammed right up against the Christmas things which we didn't look at as much.  I told Susan I was very aware that if I want to have a new color theme this year, I need to be checking right now for the ornaments I need to complete that theme, but on principle, I cannot look for Christmas decorations in September, I just can't.    But I did purchase one of the first Christmas gifts today.  That I can do without any qualms at all.

We ran an errand for me, into a Goodwill where we walked out empty handed because Susan kept finding things she'd donated, lol.  We left there empty handed.  We had lunch and then went into BJs to pick up a few items we needed in the grocery department.  Then we leisurely drove along country roads looking for more autumn.  One small sighting, far across a field, of a small group of trees sporting golden lime-colored leaves.  That was all.

Tonight, I noted the sun set was lovely...and occurring at 7:11pm!  This was John's least favorite part of autumn each year, the early fall of darkness.  I confess, I've been watching the time the sun sets move steadily earlier each evening and I'm not for it, either!

Friday, September 25:  Yesterday, I missed out on the perfect opportunity to clean the patio.  It was cool and cloudy outdoors.  Unfortunately, I felt plum ill.  My head ached, my tummy felt queasy and no amount of stern talking to or coaxing made me want to go outdoors to work.  Instead, I sat in my chair, with open curtains and windows and enjoyed the cooler breezes, all the while wishing I felt better.  I finished the last of Winter in Thrush Green and many more chapters of Wives and Daughters, and watched a load of tv, dozed and ate and somewhere along about 7pm realized I actually felt better.  I went to bed about 9:30 and slept like a log.

This morning it was truly chilly out, but alas, I have a Friday housekeeping routine, and I wanted to stick to it because honestly, I really enjoy my routine days, as much as I enjoy the days I mark for spontaneous things.

This weekend, I have Millie's day with Gramma to look forward to.  And a visit to Katie's, and church and maybe just maybe Sam will be by for a visit, but we'll see.  

In the meantime, I can't help but note that we now have less than a week of September left...October will be here next Thursday.  John always called October his favorite month of the year and he used to literally plan his vacation days so he could take the whole month of October off to simply enjoy it.  I would like to make the most of October too, in memory of him, I think.  

Mid-September: Loss and Gain

Saturday, September 12:   Grandparents' Day is this weekend.  I vaguely recall it becoming a thing back when my children were young, though we celebrated it by sending the grandparents cards or inviting them to a Sunday dinner.

No such luck for me being celebrated, lol!  Nope, it's all about the grandchildren now and one must go see them at school and admire handiwork while sitting in miniature chairs and listening to wailing children as you decline with a polite 'Thank you, but no', when the teacher assures that it's quite all right to check them out early and then fighting massive traffic blocks in the school yard trying to get out while buses come in.