Saturday, August 1: Golly...A brand new month. Admittedly I feel decidedly less than well at the moment. I don't know what it is that's going on with me. I just don't seem able to rest at night and then I drag about all day long feeling blah and blech. I don't care for this at all!
Sam was here mowing this afternoon and racing to get it done. Alas, I knew when I heard the first thunder rumble that he likely wouldn't finish the yard, not even as hard as he was going at it. In the end, one section had one swatch about two mows wide left, and an upper level had a smaller rectangle about three mower widths wide. When lightning began, he came right indoors but he got soaked to the bone before he got off the mower. I grabbed towels for him and insist he make himself a warming cup of coffee. He stripped down to his least wet layer, wrapped up and came to the living room to wait out the rain.
I'm glad in a way that he did get caught, because I got to hear all about his first official week on the job. He's teaching high school geometry and liked his para-pro who is a former teacher who retired early. He talked about his lesson plans and his posters and the teachers and how much he'd enjoyed everything.
I'm glad I got to hear all about it. And his company did make me feel more cheerful overall. Sometimes I wonder if my real issue isn't that I'm just plain lonely and don't know enough to recognize it! Anyway, a very pleasant and long (nearly 1.5 hours!) with rain pounding down heavy and hard and us chatting away made for a pleasant turn in my day. When the rain finally slowed down and the lightning had stopped, he hopped on the mower and went back home, but not before apologizing for not getting finished with my yard.
Tonight I found "Seeking Persephone" which I'd been seeing featured shorts for. I can highly recommend it. It seems to be a very nice period drama with some light moments that keep it from feeling depressing.
Sunday, August 2: I made it to church on time today. Setting a second alarm to go off at 9:30 helped tremendously to motivate me to be IN THE CAR by 10am. I was not, however, afforded a leisurely worry-free drive over because the check engine light came on and stayed on throughout the entire drive. Darn it! I'm getting increasingly frustrated with the cars in my life at present.
It poured heavily while we were in church. The pastor had an especially good sermon. At one point he'd just made a very good point, one worthy of applause, when a loud clap of thunder shuddered the building. The pastor, without hesitation, said, "And high five back to you, Lord!" His applause turned into a burst of laughter from the audience, but it was a great point of emphasis on the statement.
I met up with my missionary friends who are stateside and we went to lunch together. Very pleasant outing. They look good, spoke well of the country they are in and how busy they stay. I felt highly complimented when they told me repeatedly how good I looked. Donny finally said, "You're peaceful, Terri. That's what it is. You just glow with peace." It made me feel I've done well in navigating this passage of life and I think John would be proud of me.
Tuesday, August 4: I kept Caleb yesterday. He wasn't nearly so happy at his house with me keeping him as he'd been here at my house. I don't know why. He got a bit whiny. I got a bit testy. We both agreed we needed quiet time after lunch, and I managed to take a real nap... Caleb didn't.
But the moment he realized I was awake he decided he needed food and he helped himself to snacks. That's something Katie has always allowed him to do, to snack freely. She keeps good quality things on hand for him and it's all within reach. He's always been something of a heavy eater, though he remains slim and lean. I think we both felt better after that.
I took some Amazon returns to UPS after I left Kate's and then walked into the grocery to pick up flowers, which I'd been missing over the last two weeks, as well as a handful of grocery items, none of which were necessary, but nothing too indulgent either. I kept it low, spending less than $20. Then I came home and made myself supper, cleaned up the dishes I'd left all weekend long and called it a day.
I woke in the wee hours of the night. Partly sciatica aches and pains and partly muscle cramps. And worrying over something that isn't even major but has proven sticky to deal with. I got up at 4am, picked up a book and started to read. I realized I was terribly hungry and though I don't like to eat at that hour, I ended up making myself a piece of toast and a cup of coffee. I guess warm food was all I needed because I woke about 2 hours later, sitting in my chair, and went back to bed where I slept another 2 hours.
However, that niggling worry was still forefront of my mind and though I'd very much wanted today to be just an at home sort of day, I determined that there was no need to put off the inevitable need to just deal with this situation that is proving to be stupidly bothersome.
As you know, I spent months clearing up all sorts of financial and legal matters which took a great deal of time. I thought everything was over and done. But in cancelling one credit card, which was in John's name only, the closure generated a refund of an annual fee or something and now the card, which I'd asked to be closed has a credit balance. I spent an entire day last week on the phone to the local branch and later to the headquarters dealing with the matter, only to be told at the end of the call to headquarters that I needed to go into the local branch and have them deal with it. Well, they'd tried which was why I called but never mind. I explained that it would be this week before I could get the time to go to the local branch due to prior appointments.
It's not even a large credit. I asked if they couldn't just reverse it and write it off. Nope they can't. It must be refunded but in order to do that I had to go to the branch. And it was the frustration of that small balance that must be dealt with that robbed me of peace of mind last night and this morning. I decided that as with all such things it's best dealt with asap. I prayed about it and each time I found myself about to pick up the fretting again, I'd say, "Nope. I've asked the Lord to handle it."
So, I arrived at the branch, which was not busy at all, thankfully. And I explained to them what had transpired on my phone call to headquarters and how I'd been told to bring it to them. I showed them my notes documenting the call and with whom I'd spoken, etc. So, they attempt to dial out, and their phone system is down. I offer the use of my phone to call out which is done.
Let me just say that this whole thing took on a proportion of stupid that is beyond words. Despite their holding a copy of the death certificate at headquarters, not one but FOUR times it was demanded that I have John come in personally to handle the matter. It was nicely explained that that wouldn't be possible, but it didn't stop them asking that he come in person any way!
Then I was told that unless I opened a new account at the bank, they couldn't issue a check for the credit and that I'd have to have a document stating that I had the right to probate the refund check. I'd explained that I'd at no time had to probate anything. I'd simply presented the death certificate which was considered sufficient to everyone from the US Federal government and everyone else, until I was dealing with this matter at the bank. And since the balance is small, less than $200, I am not likely to retain a lawyer in order to file for probate on anything, as it would cost me more than that.
The branch manager finally came out and followed along with all the ridiculousness and apologized to me for the absolute mess the bank is making of the whole situation. I think had it been within his power, he'd have handed me cash and wished me well. I complimented his staff who had been nothing but helpful and kind but expressed great frustration with the headquarters handling of the situation.
The final upshot was that a web form was submitted requesting a refund which MAY be sent to my address, addressed to "The Estate of..." which I MIGHT be able to present to my bank of choice, if they will accept it, unless they demand that I am an executor of the estate which is another whole legal kettle of fish. At this point, I've pretty much determined that it's not worth pursuing too much further on my end.
The most frustrating thing to me is that John is dead and I cannot have his account fully cancelled until they finally determine that they will close the account. And that hardly seems right to me since it means that the account will be open and therefore subject to possible scammers. I wonder how long it would take them to come to me as his widow then and demand I make good on any misusage?
Never mind. I am making out a long list of household chores to be done, and I shall work my frustrations away by checking things off my list!
Wednesday, August 5: I won't lie and say I woke up feeling top of the world today, but I definitely woke up feeling better than yesterday.
I shamed myself today because I eased into my morning so slowly that it was nearly lunchtime before I began the meat of the work today in my home...But then I reminded myself that I am RETIRED and while that doesn't mean I've quit it does mean I do not have to bust the day wide open by working myself into a frenzy. So, I set myself tasks. And when a task was completed, I took a brief rest break and then I set myself another task. It's worked quite well. I've made progress. And now in mid-afternoon, I find I have enough energy to keep making a little more progress instead of being worn out as I'd typically be by this time.
My goal this week is to clean my kitchen really well. Fridge and freezers, pantries, cabinets, floors, windows. You might as well say it's a fall cleaning but I'm not calling it that. I'm saying I've finally slowed down enough to focus on the things I haven't been doing and now I'm getting to them. I may not finish the kitchen this week, but I'll work away at it until I am done and then I'll choose my next room to start on. One space at a time, doing a thorough job, not running myself in the ground, but being focused. That's my plan.
While I was at Katie's on Monday, I put down my phone in a peevish manner and complained that I'd no idea why on earth I kept sticking my nose into it. It simply didn't suit me. "You need a book," Katie told me and she walked over to her shelf and said, "This is the one you need, Anne of Green Gables." I read five chapters and then took a very pleasant nap (I think I've already mentioned the nap earlier this week).
When I got home, I pulled my own copy off the shelf and rediscovered a kindred spirit book friend. I'm enjoying it thoroughly.
Friday, August 7: I've puzzled myself lately. Why is it I feel so blah? I felt sure it was the month behind of illness and then being sad, but it seemed to me it was something deeper. I just have no real ambition. All I seem to want to do is rest, go to bed early, sleep late, and take it easy.
Nothing wrong with that but I felt I was losing time, that I ought to be busy, ought to be planning projects, travelling, etc.
Well, no. Apparently, what I need to do is what my body is trying to do instinctively: rest. In looking for answers, I found that indeed, this is also a normal part of the grief process. I'm not going to fight it. I'm going to give in and do just what my body demands. So, this will be my last post for August and possibly the first week or two of September.
I'll see you sometime after Labor Day.
