I'm Not Rushing It

 

Sunday, July 26:  It does seem, no matter how diligently I mind the clock, there is a 15-minute period when I go blind and dumb to time and then I glance at the clock and I'm running behind.  Every.  Single.  Sunday.

What makes it triply frustrating is that the night before church, I set my alarm.  I do not swat it off the next morning to sleep in a little longer, no matter how abysmal the night's rest was.  Some mornings I am up well before the alarm goes off.

I know what I'm going to wear.  I plan it out the night before.  I lay it out, with accessories and shoes and even switch purses if I'm thinking I want to.

I gather everything I want to take with me at a loading station near the back door, so I don't forget anything.

I plan what I'm going to have for breakfast.

All of the above is done the night before.  And the next morning, it takes me no time to shower, make-up, dress, make my coffee and meal.  

I will, if I deem it necessary, skip making my bed.  Or even leave coffee behind if I haven't had time to drink it in my usual leisurely manner.  I have long since given up the idea that I can load donations into the car to drop off later or think I might run take the trash by the dumpster on my way out.  That can wait.

I go to the back door, gather my things, lock the door, feed the cat and go to the car.  I put down my things in the car, put on my sunglasses, adjust my seat belt and boom!  It's no longer 10 til 10am.  It is now 20 minutes after.

And so, I walk into church just seconds before the music starts.  Or even, gasp, after they've started playing the first song.

I don't know what I'm going to do about this.  Obviously, I must adjust my rising time and perhaps set an alarm to go off at 9:30 so that I can exit the house closer to the 10 a.m. time I've been attempting to hit and have missed so frequently.

Never mind.  Church today was uplifting as always.  I stopped by to speak to the pastor's wife, Kristen, who was celebrating their 35th anniversary of marriage.  Her very recently married middle daughter was standing nearby as a young girl gushed at the preacher's wife, "Is it true that the first two years of marriage are the most difficult?"  To which Lauren, newlywed that she is, quickly replied, "I'd think it would be harder not to fight when you've been married longer.  You've got far more reasons to be annoyed with each other by then!"   Kristen and I laughed out loud at that.  Fancy Lauren knowing that after just a couple of months marriage!

Off to Katie's after church to see the boys.  Henry was on the couch with his dad.  Cody released him and he came running right across the living room toward me and at the last moment veered into the kitchen.  And here I thought he was coming to me.  That one child has been nearly as elusive as Zach and Josh in loving Gramma.  I do hope that he follows their pattern and comes to love me as much or more as he continues to grow.

Caleb was understandably sad and full of questions about Rufus, but he soon let the subject go, focusing instead on whining over the Game Machine he wanted to play with, which happened to be what Cody was playing.  Bella was sweetly polite over her birthday gift which she'd received last week from me.  And then she and Caleb began to argue, the baby began to whimper and rub his eyes, and everyone was off to take a nap.

Katie and I met up at BJ's Wholesale Club.  I was stopping on my way home anyway.  I noted gas prices are up by quite a bit, even at BJ's.   Two weeks ago, I filled the Honda for something like $3.20/gal.  Prices yesterday were 3.59/gallon.

I went in not for gas but to get half and half, toilet paper and lettuce. I came out with a variety of frozen things to make easy meals with on these hot summer evenings ahead when I don't feel like cooking after a day's work.  No shame in it.  It's cheaper than takeout and far more convenient for me in my rural area. 

I watched two really good movies last night.  One was a romantic comedy titled, "Voicemails for Isabelle".  No nudity, not too much language and not so very predictable.  Worth seeing if you're in the mood for something light.

And then I launched into "Remarkably Bright Creatures", which is based on a book of the same name.  No nudity, no sex, but a bit of language.  However, it's really good and I think I'd very much like to read the book because I'm sure it includes more detail than the movie ever could.  Highly recommend both.

Monday, July 27:  I said I'd be back at it today and here I am.  I won't say I jumped into the day with both feet.  Indeed no, I was in pain last night (pretty sure the Honda is what did my back in), barely slept, swatted off the alarm this morning and slept at least 1.5 hours after.  Well worth it, though I woke in pain.  Most days I can walk/sit/stretch it off once I'm out of bed and today was no exception.

Ambitions ran higher than my will to perform tasks but I'm not too ashamed of what got done.  I cleaned off the back porch (mostly) and rearranged things out there, so it looks really nice.  I thought on Friday I saw a mouse while I was sitting on the porch.  I'm pretty darned sure I saw one today, too...I don't want to put out poison.  I have only glue traps which I hate, but I think it might be necessary because apparently mouse has made the porch home and I know that the next place they will be moving will be into the house as the weather gets cooler.  

I cleaned up the front porch a wee bit. No decorating which I did at least attempt on the back porch, but I moved the chairs from the back porch to the front, and I blew everything off.  I'll putter out there some more over the week ahead to try and make it look even nicer.  

I shredded several years' worth of old tax records.  I filled a big trash bag with shredded paper.  It's at the back door ready to go to the trash dump.  I fixed the shredder when it jammed badly.  

I managed to remove the dishwasher filters at long last.  I've tried periodically for years now but today it simply released and came out.  It took an age to clean those.  My goodness I don't know how the thing even ran.  I ran the dishwasher using baking soda and vinegar through it after I replaced the cleaned filters to clean out the drains.

I puttered in the house all day, too, doing household tasks, mostly cleaning and tidying.  I washed a load of laundry and hung nearly all of it to dry.  I gathered donations and set them near the back door.  All in all, I thought it a good day. Not a heavy-duty day, not a rushing to get it all done sort of day, but a productive enough sort of day.  

I made soup, which always appeals to me, no matter what the weather.  This is a Green Chicken Enchilada soup.  I bought a rotisserie chicken yesterday at BJ's with the intention of using it for meals this week (and possibly a couple for the freezer).  I wanted Enchiladas but didn't pick up tortillas and didn't feel I wanted to make them myself.  Never mind, soup keeps better in the freezer than enchiladas do anyway.  I used a portion of the chicken in the soup I made today.  And it was good!

I had three portions to freeze.  I bought the souper cubes last month so I might reasonably freeze smaller portions for one person, and I used those to freeze the soup.  Since I generally like about 1.5-2 cups soup when I eat it, I chose to use the larger cubes.

I've been thinking about the #everybitcountschallenge which I tend to join each August.  I've decided that this August, I'm going to do a pantry freezer challenge instead to see what items I need to use up now, rather than in January.  I expect I'll be buying milk, possibly a little produce such as fruit and lettuce, and eggs.  But I think I have more than enough on hand to use over the next month including a variety of canned fruits and vegetables.  

I wouldn't mind adding to my food stores, but I think that I don't need to this August.  I'm still new to cooking for just one, have too much food put up in quantities better suited to two people's use, and though I've tried to be diligent about using the older items first, I find I still have plenty of them on hand.   So, I'm going to be doing a pantry/freezer challenge while many are canning and freezing and planning for the winter months ahead.  

Thursday, July 30:  I don't even know where time went between Monday and today.  What did I get done?  Wracking my brain, I can recall I planted about a dozen rooted pieces of basil which are wilting despite frequent watering.  I did a house blessing this morning.  I kept Caleb all day on Wednesday.  We spent an hour or so shredding paperwork together.  I made bread...And though I stayed busy enough that seems to be all I can recall of the past two days.

Today I washed clothes and linens and put them on the line to dry which took no time at all.  I love how crisp cotton sheets feel when they've been dried in the sun and breeze.  Not to mention how awesome they smell.  No air freshener or scent beads will ever impart what just good plain fresh air and sunshine can.

Aside from that I got little done.  I began a new ledger sheet for August, getting set up for the month ahead.  I cleaned a little here and a little there.  I spent a lot of time wishing I felt better overall and thinking of the doctor appointment for this afternoon.

Due to all the stressors (grief, illness, pain, etc.) the doctor determined it might be best to wait before addressing the pre-diabetes vs. diabetes thing.  Instead, we are doing a vitamin panel as well as routine bloodwork to be sure I'm set in that direction, as well as discussing various other aspects of my mental and physical health.  I am very happy with this doctor and very glad that John and I decided to go to him instead of remaining with the doctor who replaced our former doctor.  I like that he takes the time to explain the chemistry and biology behind things and how medicines act, etc.  

I've given up the idea that I'll accomplish much of anything this afternoon, or tomorrow either, for that matter.   That's quite all right.  I have all the months ahead in which I can be productive.  This month has been an unintentional 'quiet' month.  I think it has been just what I really needed.

For Me

 

Monday, July 20:  It amazes me to realize that we are so nearly to the end of July.  Yes, I know, it sounds as though I am rushing it along, but I think the reason I feel it has flown by thus far is because I haven't been well for most of it. 

This week is free of any commitments, appointments, birthdays, etc.  And I have decided that this week officially is MINE.  I have made plans to work some, to be at home, to go to the peach shed, to make small changes in my home.  I will stay up late, sleep in, make yummy things to eat using what I have.  I have a jigsaw puzzle Katie gifted me for Mother's Day to play with, a stack of books, a list of movies to watch.  I'm giving myself permission to take naps, to cry all I'd like, and basically just do as I'd please. This week is just for me.

I have been so weary with being ill and then having the sciatica flare up that I have been very emotional for the past week.  After examining my wants vs. needs, I realized that since John died, four months ago this week, that I have been in Go, Go, Go mode pretty much since his last Saturday evening. I am ready for a break.  I'd hoped to take a trip this month, but it simply didn't work out what with car repairs and mower repairs and birthdays, appointments, promises made, etc.  So here I am.  At home for the next 6 days with nothing to do but please myself.

Thursday:  This week has truly been what I'd said it would be.  A week for me.  I went nowhere until yesterday, when I woke earlier than usual and decided that I'd take myself out to breakfast (sort of).  I went over to the next town and bought a chicken biscuit, something that John and I saved for special occasions.  The occasions usually being a travel day for vacation.  No such plans this time around, but I'm happy to report that the chicken biscuit tasted as good as it ever has.  I ate it in a parking lot of a grocery store, sipping my hot coffee and taking my own sweet time.

I'd have taken it out to the graveyard to sit with Elizabeth Slappey, whom I've sadly neglected for a long time now, but I wanted to go to the peach shed.  They'd already announced they'd be closing in a week's time and I was suddenly mindful of how many of my days did not include a truly ripe peach.  And I was determined that I'd get some before the season was over and done.    

This time I played it smart and picked the very largest ones of several varieties I could find.  After all, they are priced at $1 each if you're not buying a 1/2 bushel and I may as well pay $1 for the very biggest I can find, right?  I still mixed the varieties all up in my bag, so I have no clue which is which.  I don't care really.  They are peaches.

I ran into my local grocery for milk, hoped for a green tomato but found none, and picked up a package of bacon so I might have a BLT this week at some point.

Then I came home and did what I've done a lot of this week.  I cried.  I cried for John's passing, for the hurts in the family that I can't heal, for the end of peach season, for the painful nights of not sleeping due to sciatica, for not feeling good, for missing John.

This week, I am going to be as sad as I feel and get it out of my system, because next week, I am scheduled, appointed, needed.  This week none of that has interfered.

I had a long phone conversation with Amie which made me feel better overall, though I have no clue why.  I made meals, I tried to piece the borders of a new puzzle, I took a long nap without any planning on my part.

Last night I went to bed early, before dark, and I slept until 5:30 this morning.  Then I got up and sat in my chair and slept until 8.  I fought myself to wake up and seriously contemplated going back to bed.

When I went out to feed Sassy, I found her alone and talkative and loving, which is highly unusual for her.  I wondered worriedly where Rufus was, but of late he's not always out on the porch when I go out.  I did laundry and hung it to dry and found Sassy on the front porch, still needy and loving and talkative.

Josh phoned me about noon and said he had something to bring over.  When he came in he told me he'd found Rufus...

So we bid goodbye to a dog who never allowed us to own him exactly, but he claimed us as his.  There's not a single grandchild who hasn't been loved and greeted by him with real affection.  There was never a time he greeted me that he didn't bow like an old knight before my feet, giving me the status of being his queen.  There never was such a dog.  He hated to be groomed or trimmed, preferred to be rough and dirty and made it clear that he belonged wherever he chose to be at that moment.  Sometimes with Bess, sometimes with me, sometimes at a house in the neighborhood.  He was forever in a relationship of sorts with a female, cat or dog, didn't matter.  He'd happily greet them, allow them to kiss and admire him and happily roam with them wherever they wanted to go.  He was faithful, in his own way, to everyone he loved.  And he was protective.  Many a time he got between me and a delivery man and stood his ground warning them off, though he barely stood 12 inches high.

He was a good dog.  May he roam happily in the hereafter.

Saturday, July 25:  I didn't accomplish much this week.  To be honest, I never meant to.  I meant to do exactly what I did.  To treat myself gently and tenderly, allow my emotions to be what they were, to sleep as much as I needed, to nourish my body in mostly healthy ways, and to ease my way through the days alone.  I did just that.

As a result, the sciatica has eased considerably.  I'm sleeping at night and often switching off the alarm in the morning and taking an extra half hour.  I've napped or simply go to lie down in the afternoon if I felt tired.  

I tried to work a jigsaw puzzle, but I found it overwhelming which is unusual for me.  I gave myself permission to put it away and try again later.  I didn't read much.  I watched TV but not to excess.  I spent a lot of time just being quiet.  I woke yesterday morning and felt the stirrings of a body ready to get back into regular work/play routines.  I am pushing myself to continue resting through this weekend, but I can tell that I've made a major difference in how I feel physically and mentally.

This week meant for me has done its work.  Perhaps in the future I'll feel I'll need another such time. And if I do, I shall try to remember how much this week has benefitted me.  Even when faced with another loss in my life.  Even when I might feel lonely, which has nothing to do with being alone.  

Next week I'll have Caleb two or three days.  Can't remember exactly how long but it's back to school time in our state.  Cody has to return to work for training and maintenance things.  Sam starts his new job as a teacher on Tuesday.  His children go to school on Wednesday.

I don't guess we can call it summer break anymore.  Summer is hardly over.  But the children had a nice break.  

And my calendar is filling up once more.  Keeping Caleb, an appointment, a lunch date with my missionary friends who are stateside, errands and planning a new month.  Life goes on.  But it was totally worthwhile to take this week off and just be what I needed to be for a little while.

I Did It Anyway

 

Sunday, July 12:  I struggled last week to 'feel good'.  Adding to my overall malaise, I have had a sciatica attack that is painful and bothersome, and I want nothing more than to toss in the towel.  I might have done just that had I been able to lie down or sit for an extended period.  Alas, I could not, which meant I had to be up and about and if I was going to have to be up and about anyway, I might as well do something.  Right?

Flag Waving Time

July 1, Wednesday:  If Memorial Day officially marks the start of the BBQ season for the warm months ahead, to me July marks the true beginning of the summer.  I do realize it starts in June.  Never mind.  We have milder temperatures in June as a rule, but July comes in with all the heat and humidity, gnats, flies, mosquitoes and pop-up rain showers or heat produced lightning and thunder that is characteristic of true summer here in the south.  Most of all, it is full on peach season. Farmers stands are filled with fresh produce that is truly fresh and locally grown.  

Suddenly I find myself thinking of sitting under the sprinkler on a hot afternoon, watching the droplets of water form rainbows and shivering delightfully as the cold-water hits hot skin.  Or spending an afternoon watching great fluffy cumulus clouds floating overhead. Cicadas lull me to sleep at night with their persistent rhythmic sound.  

Summer Sunshine and Cookies

 

Monday, June 22:  A few weeks ago, I asked Sam and Katie both what they'd like for their birthday gifts.  Katie's wishes were practical.  "I really need bras..."  Well, I bought her bras, but I asked again later if she'd like something more.  For her second wish, she sent me a photo of a set of crochet hooks.  "I've wanted this forever, but I can't bring myself to buy them for myself."  I know too well how it is to have something stuck on a wish list that somehow you can't bring yourself to purchase, even though you might have the money and know you will put it to good use.  

Finish Line

Monday, June 15:  I'm done.  I've done all I can possibly do to finish off the legal work, paperwork, transfers, etc. related to John's death.  I am awaiting one piece of paper that is going to come to me in about a week, one bit of legal proceeding that is entirely out of my hands before I have that piece of paper.  All I had to do is done.  

I am so relieved!

Oil Spills and Grown-up Pants

 

Tuesday, July 9:  Let's go back to yesterday when I took Millie out for the day.  The boys have gone to camp, and we went together to do an errand, eat lunch, do a little shopping and come back here.  The day went too quickly, but I personally found my day out with her a delight.  

First she confessed to me her worry that her Papa Pat was dead.  I told her he was not dead. "But he's old..."  "Yes, and one day he will die, but he knows Jesus as his Savior...He'll be in heaven with Grampa and one day you will be there, too."  Perhaps only a Southern child finds this line of thought logical and reassuring.  I don't know, not ever having dealt with any but Southern children!  However, Millie chatted happily after that and made me laugh out loud with several funny observations.