Mid-September: Loss and Gain

Saturday, September 12:   Grandparents' Day is this weekend.  I vaguely recall it becoming a thing back when my children were young, though we celebrated it by sending the grandparents cards or inviting them to a Sunday dinner.

No such luck for me being celebrated, lol!  Nope, it's all about the grandchildren now and one must go see them at school and admire handiwork while sitting in miniature chairs and listening to wailing children as you decline with a polite 'Thank you, but no', when the teacher assures that it's quite all right to check them out early and then fighting massive traffic blocks in the school yard trying to get out while buses come in.

Well.  You already know I am no great lover of the current mode of celebrating grandparents.  This year both Millie and Isaac declined to enjoy the pleasures of an at school visit and requested they be taken to lunch on a Saturday instead, each of them choosing two different restaurants so that I am obliged to take them one on one.  That is not a hardship.  I enjoy my grandchildren en masse and singly.

Today, however, I was determined to take Josh out for a day of just me and him.  Not because he has grandparents' day any longer, being now in 7th grade.  However, I took Millie out in the summer on her own to eat and shop, and I took Isaac out to see the Michael Jackson film and out to eat after and it was time to do something with Josh all on his own.

We started by stopping at Dollar General to buy car chargers and cords for phones, one for each of my cars because we've been caught more than once with low batteries on phones (and dead tablets too) and no means to charge anything until we were home once more.  Then we went to his requested burger place which is Five Guys.  For the money, they have really good fries and burgers that are okay.  No better or worse burgers than any other, but definitely more expensive.  However, I did not put a limit on Josh, since I had not quite realized how much that meal would be.  It was pouring heavily with rain the whole while we were out.  I fumbled for an idea of what else I might do with him.  

After lunch, I mentioned a film I knew he was keen to see.  He politely turned me down saying, "It's not your sort of thing, Gramma." I was amused that he thought I wouldn't enjoy the film.  And admit that he reminded me a good bit of his dad who always had an 'idea' of what was right and proper for me, being slightly more old-fashioned in his ideas than I ever have been.  "And it's really something I want just Dad and me to do together."

Understood.  I asked if he'd like to do anything else.  "Ice cream?" he asked, sipping his chocolate shake from the burger place.  I laughed and said, "Fine.  I'll spoil you."  He got two scoops of mint chocolate chip at the ice cream shop.  Then he asked if there was a bookstore in town, which had also been on my list of possibilities he might enjoy.  I did set a dollar limit on that trip and he did well, finding two books that just barely bumped over the limit until my discount came in.  I found Remarkably Bright Creatures near the checkout having given up on the idea of magazines and books altogether just moments before.  There wasn't a single high fashion magazine to be found anywhere and hardly any I thought worthwhile.  I was happy I at least found a book.

Josh thanked me multiples of times for the day out and told me how much he'd enjoyed it.  Mind you his thanks having been given, he immediately retreated back into the game he was playing on his phone, as any other 12-year old would do and we rode home in relative silence aside from the pounding rain.  But it was a nice day out and I enjoyed it very well myself.

Next weekend I'll take Isaac out.  I'm not promising him or Millie anything beyond a meal and ice cream though.  A grandparent could go broke trying to celebrate a day meant to be all about the grandparent these days...

Sunday, September 13:   Just a random set of thoughts for today.

1. I've had three rotten nights of not sleeping well and then waking super early.  I don't mind the early rising.  I do mind the part where I toss and turn.  I've counted carbs, checked caffeine consumption, made sure I've taken my nightly sleep supplements.  I simply cannot go to sleep. I've put away the phone and tried reading, prayer, checking the room temperature is cool enough, etc.  I'll assume that just as I was in a pattern of sleeping hard and heavily, I am now in a pattern of not doing that.  Sigh.

2. On my way to church (ON TIME!) this morning, I found myself thinking of John.  To the point that I began to get quite sad, and then I realized that of late, every time I go to church, I think of him and grow sad. I told myself I was falling into a pattern I needed to break at once.  I could see it had begun to affect my actual desire to even go to church at all.  And the truth is I really like my church.  I've liked this church for years now and I've never felt so at home anywhere in many, many years.

3.There's one woman, a widow, who has been a true comfort to me.  She's NOT one of those church widows.  I'm fairly sure she was who John had in mind when he repeatedly told me how he hoped I'd be if he died before me.  She's the only one brave enough to come up to me and look deep into my eyes and if she can see it's a bad day to nod, give me a hug and say, "IT SUCKS!" in my ear, which always makes me laugh through my sad moment.  

Today she was sad.  "It'll be three years the end of this month..."  She stopped and swallowed hard. "And I dreamed of Eric last night.  He told me how sorry he was he'd had to leave me."  She and I hugged and cried together over that.  It was the least I could do for her after all her genuine concern and kindness.  I told her of John's request not to act like a church widow lady.  "I'm pretty sure he had you in mind..."  "Oh gracious!  Weirdo Janice!"  I smiled.  I told her sincerely I admired her no end and thanked her for her support.  She left smiling.  

4. Pastor's sermon today continued on the theme of last week's and I deeply enjoyed it.  I took a lot of notes and remembered points he'd made last week, when I'd watched from home.  I was convicted once again about my own lack of Bible reading.  

I've mentioned before that after years of reading my Bible daily, I'd found myself slipping away from it.  It's been two, perhaps three years now, since I sat down to do a daily Bible reading.  I'm not talking about my periodic bursts of doing a self-guided study but of just picking it up daily to read, as I once used to do.  

John read his Bible daily and made notes in the margins or on scratch sheets of paper.  Yes, and often gave me quite a good sermon when we sat down to have coffee together, too.  I think I gave it up during that time.  I came to rely on him to carry me, spiritually.  Well, it's high time I stepped up once more.  Now how many distractions will fly at me this week ahead as I being this afresh?

5. Tomorrow I am off quite early to attend breakfast with Caleb for his grandparents' day.  All of the above stuff from Saturday's bit: packed parking, traffic jams, standing in long lines, sitting in tiny, cramped chairs or squatting on cafeteria stools meant for toddler sized people...Ugh.  

6. The cookies I made the other day have altered in storage.  Now the whole cookie is kind of chewy.  The spices have intensified.  I don't mind the taste as it is somewhat autumnal without being overly spicy.  But the texture is still not something I find terribly pleasing.  I don't know that I'll ever use this particular recipe again, but I may attempt the combination of spices with a different recipe.  

7.  Last thing.  This morning Sassy was sitting staring in the kitchen window as I gathered my things to leave the house.  When I actually went out the door moments later, she was on the railing staring out into the yard.  There near my shed was the Strange Cat, the one that looks like Sassy (Gray stripe with white bib).  Sassy wasn't growling, just watching.  I spoke to the cat, who laid one ear back and stared at me.

When I came home from church this afternoon, there was Sassy under the carport.  Nope.  Not Sassy.  It was the other cat.  She retreated only as far as the edge of the woods, well within sight of me and the house.  I spoke to her again.  She popped up her head and both ears and listened to me.  Sassy in the meantime, was throwing herself at my feet waiting for a belly rub.  Obviously, the other cat is not a bother to Sassy in anyway.  

I told the other cat once more she was welcome to stay if she could get along with Sassy.  If she's going to stay, I may have to get Bess to try and trap her so we can get her fixed.  I've no need of dozens and dozens of cats.  And while I really don't want an extra cat, perhaps I need this one though I'd been praying for a dog.  In the meantime, I find myself wondering what I might call this cat.  

Monday, September 14:  I've done my duty by Caleb.  He's had Grandparents Day with me at school.  We were herded in about 20 minutes later than the schedule suggested we had to visit and rushed through about four hectic games of Bingo and then herded out to attend the bookfair in the Library, half a building away from the cafeteria.  It was hot and crowded and I said, "No you can't have that to at least three little boys who were blonde and wearing a blue shirt and who looked mighty disappointed to be told "no".  There were copious amounts of erasers displayed on the librarians desk where books were being rung up, all of which looked like candy, game boys, cars, dinosaurs and were irresistible and far too expensive for the children to even consider.  They could buy books for less...

I saw Caleb back to his class, spoke briefly with his teacher who was very polite, considering I'd interrupted her lesson, and then I wandered wearily back to my car which was, as the crow flies, feet from his classroom, but as the school exits allowed, some three blocks away.

Ugh.  I loved spending time with him, I did truly, but goodness I'm glad that this comes round but once a year.  And I'm deeply grateful to Millie and Isaac for choosing a day out with me over the same sort of hectic paced visit at their schools.  Perhaps next year, Caleb will feel the same.  I don't know.

I went by to see Mama.  She has developed a horrible deep groaning sound as she walks or rolls in her wheelchair about the apartment, which you can hear from the parking pad outdoors.  I asked her what was up with that and she said, "I don't know.  I wonder if they neighbors can hear me?"  I said I had heard her at the parking pad so surely the neighbors either side have heard her.  

Given that since her dog died, they no longer have to listen to the incessant barking or Mama shouting obscenities at the dog, perhaps the occasional groan/moan when she chooses to move across the apartment isn't much to deal with.

She was doing well enough really, getting around as well as ever, clear headed, etc.  She fixated on my polished fingernails and couldn't stop admiring them which I found very surprising.  When I was a girl, she never allowed me to wear anything but the palest shell pink and preferred clear polish overall.  I had done my nails over the weekend in an autumn brown and hadn't taken time to remove the polish this morning, since I had to leave home so very early.  

After I left her, I headed home, weary but not worn down.  I have put a pot of beef bones on to simmer because I've determined I want to make a big pot of vegetable soup.  Never mind that it is currently 92F, I want a pot of homemade vegetable beef soup, which I expect will speak to me on every single comfort food level, something I feel in desperate need of.  

Now I'm off to finish another of my books.  I have only a chapter or three of Winter in Thrush Green, have finally caught the rhythm of Wives and Daughters, and couldn't resist reading the first chapter of Elizabeth Letts' novel, Finding Dorothy.  It wasn't even part of my stack for September but there you are.  I am in a reading mood!

Tuesday, September 15:  Well, here we are.  Our last week of Summer, and the midway point of September.  I woke confused to what day it was this morning.  Truly I must have been still sleep befuddled because I remember thinking, "Gracious!  Here it is Wednesday already...How can the weeks go so quickly lately?!"  Well apparently they aren't.  I was just confused.  It's only Tuesday.  

I did not feel at all well yesterday.  My tummy felt like it was twisting into knots, my head ached, a I felt sick.  I was convinced, all day long, that I had simply dreaded the whole day that I'd made myself sick with anxiety.  However last night after I got home, I realized that truly, I did not feel well, and it was nothing to do with anxiety.  I thought back to the early morning hours yesterday when I'd awakened and to the school where it seemed everyone had on the loudest perfume or cologne which further made me feel ill...I decided I must have had a bit of migraine.

Katie and I were texting last night and suddenly I got testy and told her I didn't feel well and I wouldn't talk anymore.  I went right off to bed after that, and it was only just 9pm.  I went to bed, slept and didn't wake until this morning at nearly 10am.   Katie texted me later and said, "I don't feel well...and my head aches."  We decided it must be something going around and I had truly been sick after all.  

Honestly if I'd know that I'd have never visited Mama and I might have skipped out on Caleb's day, as well.  I hate to think I may have exposed either of them to something.  Mama, simply because she is 89 and Caleb because he would carry anything to his home and family and a classroom full of students as well.  

Yesterday evening's soup was very good.  I have a HUGE pot of it and I think I'm going to can it...but not today.  I let the day get away from me by sleeping in so late.  I had beef bones in the freezer that I used to make fresh beef broth first, then used the broth as the basis of my soup.  

Today I made Chicken Paprikash and Noodles for my lunch with fresh green beans on the side.  No kidding, the fresh green beans...MEH.  They didn't look the best when I picked them up at the Farmer's Market, but I thought the taste of fresh beans just once this summer would be good.  Nope.  Obviously, their best season was behind them.

I cleaned out the fridge really well and organized it.  I didn't toss much.  About an ounce of blue cheese that honestly, I couldn't remember buying, a container of cottage cheese I'd ignored, and a tomato that had gotten lost in the drawer.  I can live with that.  I have come so far in reducing the waste in my kitchen.  I don't say I'll use the rest of those beans, but I assure you that isn't my waste.  

I've continued to putter around decorating this spot or that.  Right now, I've focused on the wall above the wingback chair and table that I put in the entry area.  

My packages arrived this evening.  Clothes.  I took a good long look at my fall/early winter wardrobe and debated hard on what I thought was missing.  A couple of tank tops (to go under blouses or heavier kimonos), a couple of cardigans, one pullover sweater and two t-shirts with long sleeves.  I also got a new pair of athletic type shoes.  

Wednesday, September 16:  I went outdoors early this morning and found it very pleasant to be outdoors.  Not cool...But far less humidity and lower temperatures.  I wanted to go out to collect seeds of the Balsam Impatiens that bloomed so prettily even through the extreme heat, and the zinnias that dried up to a crisp.  I found I'd lost six roses (hybrid tea and one standard), the Dancing Butterflies, Gaia, sage, and three fig trees to the heat.  It at least makes it easy to empty out the sundry pots and planters.  I'm heartsick over the Gaia, but I shall buy more of that.  I had mine for years and it was lovely every summer and well into autumn.

I did a bit of weeding, a bit of trimming back some of the overgrowth.  As always, just looking at it, it feels very overwhelming.  But I know as it cools down, I will be able to attend to more and more of the yardwork.  I just can't keep up in the great heat of summer.

Thursday:  I had a spate of grief yesterday morning that I wasn't expecting.  It began as I was making the bed and I went to sit in the living room and cried my eyes out.  And from there, I lost my day.  I truly have no idea where time went, nor what I did.  I believe I read a lot in Wives and Daughters and I watched some television.  I reheated soup for lunch and that is all I recall until it was time to watch church last night at 6:30.  

Mind you all, in the early days, this is how grief struck me as well.  I would sob until I could barely breathe and then I'd simply sit in a chair and lose track of time with absolutely no recall of any particular thoughts or of doing anything.  It is not like falling asleep, but I do/did slip out of the realm of this reality and into an ether like space.  That's the only way I know how to describe it.

Well today I did not suffer any particular grief beyond the usual momentary tears over whatever silly thing would trigger it.  I decided that today I'd do my laundry.  And here's where I had another 'loss'.  I was hanging clothes on the line, and I hung up an olive-green blouse that I especially like and feel great in.  I thought the spots on it were wet spots and that the blouse was partially dry.  Nope.  When I brought it in this evening, it was obvious the blouse was covered in grease that it had apparently wicked from the wash water.  

This blouse is one of my most favorite. It's one of those rare things you know you look well in and enjoy wearing it and then get a lot of compliments, so you feel even better about yourself.  I brought it indoors and doused it with Shout.  Tomorrow I'll add original Dawn detergent to the spots, too.  Here's hoping I can salvage it!  I bought this top last year and cannot get another one like it.

After hanging out the laundry, I divided my time between working on my abandoned Memory Journal and canning the leftover vegetable soup.  I had nine-pint jars.  Of the first batch, one failed to seal.  The other four popped nearly immediately upon coming out of the canner.  Here in a little bit, I'll be able to remove the second batch.  We'll see how it goes as they cool.  I should be able to take them out in about fifteen minutes.

And with that I'll end here for the day.

Friday, September 18:  Apparently, I have caught up with myself this week and aside from folding laundry washed today and cleaning up and putting away the canner, I have finished for the week.  My home is neat and tidy around me.  I have meat thawed for meals today and through the weekend.  I am, at present having a late breakfast/lunch.  I feel rested and restored this week.  Not that I had any reason to feel otherwise.

I soaked the blouse with Shout yesterday afternoon and allowed it to sit overnight.  This morning I washed it alone on a delicate cycle and it appears to be free of all but the faintest stain on the left hip area.  I can live with that, I think.  So, I'll consider that a save and am very grateful for it.  I washed all the rest of the bed and bath and kitchen stuff separately, not wanting to risk another disaster with one of my favorite blouses.

I noted last night of the four jars of soup (and one pint of water needed to fill the canner properly), there was another failure with another jar.  I allowed it to cool enough to safely put in the fridge and this morning, I poured the contents of the two failed jars into large souper cubes and frozen them.  So, my preserving has netted me seven jars of vegetable/venison soup for the pantry, 2 pints for the freezer, and 1 more pint of water on my canning shelf, which I keep as a sort of emergency stash, however small it might be.

This weekend, I am planning to take Isaac out for a lunch date with me.   And that's as far as my plans go beyond church on Sunday.  Beyond that I expect I shall read and putter about just enough to not make me feel I've been utterly useless.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend!  

Thinking, Cooking, Doing

 

Sunday, September 6:  I did not go to church today.  I was thinking of the week ahead and the extra gasoline I'll need to use.  So, I watched church online.  Well, no, I shall admit I listened to church online.  I kept busy tackling the mess on the dining table, starting laundry and making myself a really good lunch.  And thoroughly enjoyed my day while I was at it.  

But when church came on, I just turned up the volume, so I didn't miss any of the sermon, and I'm glad I didn't because it was quite a good sermon, the sort that gives you a perspective you mightn't have had before and made a passage of scripture come alive in a way it never had.  So, I appreciated it.  But it wasn't the same as going to church and being more fully attentive.

Sam came over to mow the yard.  We agreed that mowing just around the house would make things look neater but that the grass overall was so dry and dead there was little point in mowing every single terrace.  We are both thinking this might well be the last mowing of the season unless we get a substantial amount of rain and heat.  

I had done a load of laundry which I took out to hang on the line after he left.  Honestly could not dry clothes as quickly in the dryer as they did on the porch.  Except I got caught off guard by the sound of rain just about the time they would have  been dry.  Mind you there was nothing but sunny skies overhead.  I had heard thunder but it sounded east of us, but there were no clouds at all here.  Front and back yard alike were blue skies and sun.  Nevertheless, it rained a good steady shower for 15 minutes, not heavily, but enough to send me scurrying outdoors to bring the clothes in.

When I was talking to my friend on the phone the other day, she mentioned she'd made meatloaf and oh gracious but that sounded really good to me.  So, I made meatloaf today myself.  A small loaf.  Then I took the extra meat mixture and made up a dozen meatballs which I popped into the freezer for future meals.  I had enough meatloaf leftover to serve me again later this week.  It was a very tasty meal.

I used the very last little potato which hardly seemed worth bothering with and diced it into green beans.  I found broccoli at the back of the fridge that was just on the cusp of being done and made broccoli with cheese.  That was a very good meal, and I felt virtuous in not letting my potato or broccoli go to waste.  And I had enough of all of it to serve another meal later in the week.  I think it will be perfect for that day of keeping kids I have ahead of me this week.

After working steadily all afternoon, I had my house set to rights at last.  While shifting furniture around last week, I'd pushed the wing back chair and table into the entry area.  The chair was destined to go to my study and the table to the trash and I just wanted them out of the way temporarily while I worked on the rest of the room.  

Well, I'm smitten.  I love that chair and table sitting there in that area!  I've never had seating in that area in all the years I've lived here.  I think I'll be on the lookout for a table that will replace the one I really need to trash and get myself a lamp, too.  It will make a lovely resting or quiet reading spot with a different perspective than any other seat in the house.  Bonus points because it also happens to be near a plug so one of the kids may curl up there with their tablet or phone when it's charging.

I have vowed that this month I shall not spend any money on groceries unless I have the items on my list.  Saturday on the way home, I stopped and bought milk.  I did walk about the store and found sliced hog jowl on the meat shelf.  Cody introduced me to sliced hog jowl as a bacon substitute a few months ago and John and I were impressed with the taste.  The $2.99/pound price certainly was far more appealing than the $11.83 on a pound of bacon. I had put bacon on my list.  I bought a half pound package of the sliced hog jowl.  I felt fairly virtuous leaving the grocery store.

I started reading Mary Gaskell's Wives and Daughters last week, though I'm taking it slowly.  One reason for going slow is that I find Mrs. Gaskell's humor subtle and sometimes dry, much like Miss Austen's and it takes me just a moment or two to grasp the nuance in a sentence.  It will be easier as I go deeper into the book but since I've only just started it, I need to get used to her style of expressing her narrative.  More than that, it's a pocket-sized book, quite thick, but quite small print so I try to limit myself to a chapter or less at a reading because of the eye strain.  I read two chapters while sitting on the front porch with coffee this morning.  I did find the additional brightness outdoors helped me to see the print better.

All in all, it's been a lovely day to begin a new week.

I arrived home to find a Stitch Fix box on my porch.   I wasn't sure what would be in it, because I'd declined every single pick I was sent in the preview.  I opened the box and looked things over and decided immediately that I'd return three pieces.  I tried on the other three and then set them aside.  I do have a time limit for making a decision and returning the items, but I won't be hurried.  I want to make sure these items will serve me well.  

I chose a knit denim colored shacket, a deep russet red t-shirt, and a pair of heavy pants in a black and brown weave.  Now to let those marinate in my mind for a day or two...

Labor Day, September 7, Monday:  I didn't plan to do much today, beyond folding the two loads of clothes I had not folded over the weekend.  In the end, I found it easy enough to 'find' work.  I made biscuits and put some in the freezer.  Then I made bagel dough and put bagels in the freezer as well.  I had a bagel for lunch and it was delicious.  

Beyond that I puttered around doing light housework and watching new to me vlogs.  Every now and then, YouTube slips me out of my usual algorithm, and I find new vloggers to enjoy.  I watched several episodes of a homesteading vlog and noted to myself that while they are trying to 'grow all their own food', they preserve an overwhelming amount of stuff for just two people and they mention often that they froze this or that 'a couple of years ago' or they had home canned goods from three years before that they still have in great quantity.  

They do try hard to not to waste what they grow and to use all their leftovers as well and I understand that in their position if you're trying to rely only on what you've bartered or grown then you want to have a good bit in storage.  

It made me very mindful of my own desire to preserve and store foods and how quickly it could become overwhelming if one simply continually put food away regardless of quantity that one (or two) might eat. In their case, they are truly only feeding two.  They don't support a family beyond their own household, much as I no longer have family who lean on me.  

I have no issue with keeping a larder/pantry, as you all know.  But I don't want to have an overwhelming amount of food either.  I'm trying to determine what is the most comfortable level of food storage for myself and how hard I want to work to create said storage, and what is realistically going to be used by myself.  That's something I've been trying to determine since before John died and especially now I am alone. 

So, this sort of thinking is going on in my mind as I listen to these two girls talk about their storage foods.  It's a caution sign being thrown up to me to try to find the right balance of what I might reasonably store for both now and the future.

Tuesday, September 8:  I set my alarm to get up early this morning and then struggled hard with the actual rising.  So, I was about ten minutes late arriving at Katie's this morning.  To be fair, I thought she started work at 9, but it was 8:30 instead.  I ate breakfast as I drove over, without dropping a bit of it down my shirt front.  I didn't realize I was that skilled, lol.

The boys were happily drawing, and Henry was running back and forth in his play area when I arrived.  We had heavy dew last night and heavy rain at one point too, so I couldn't take the boys outside.  They did very well, overall.  Caleb, for some reason, can be incredibly stubborn when he's at home, about minding overall. Liam has just gotten to the tattle tale stage for his age group.  So, he'd remind me that he wasn't misbehaving and then he'd tell me what Caleb was doing that he oughtn't be, lol.

But all in all, the three boys were quite good and played well enough in the house.  Katie cooked chicken nuggets for them, and I pulled fruit, vegetable sticks, and snacks together to complete their meal.  

Cody came in just as I was finishing up helping Caleb through his schoolwork after lunch.  Liam had gone home, and Henry was supposed to be down for a nap, but we could hear him chattering and talking in his room.

We have a small ritual when I leave Katie's where Caleb sees me to my car, opens my door for me and once I'm seated will close it behind me.  It's really a lovely little goodbye routine which we both enjoy.  Today we agreed that it felt nearer autumn outdoors.  And as it was only 90 in the car when I got in, I think we can safely say that it is a bit cooler.  Last time I got in the car at their house it read 107.

I treated myself to an iced decaf coffee on the way home, which as a bonus is also unsweetened, and a bit of a long cut drive coming back.  Disappointingly there wasn't a single bit of golden rod to be found blooming anywhere, nor a prettily colored leaf either.  So much for the theory that it's anywhere near fall around here!

Inexplicably once I got home, I sat down and had a good little cry.  I'm not overtired, nor stressed, not sad or even particularly aware of having felt grieved but there you are.  Tears all the same.  

Now all I can think about is Snickerdoodles.

Wednesday, September 9:  I went off to bed about 10pm last night and went to sleep listening to a vlogger doing a live feed.  No issue for me.  I wasn't particularly interested and just wanted someone droning in my ear, truly, to send me over the edge into sleep.  I woke later, put away the phone and my earbud and went right back to sleep.  When the alarm went off this morning, I vaguely recall reaching for my phone and then going back to sleep.  I apparently am adept at dismissing the alarm while half awake.  I slept until nearly 9:30 and felt like myself, rested and ready to go.

Well today was money day for me, which I'd typically do on a Monday but this week, I purposely waited to do it on Wednesday.  I had the good sense to wait until I'd had coffee before I started that task.  As it is, it often takes me quite a bit of time, especially if it's one of those days where I must also write out checks and make online payments.

I ate breakfast and journaled as I had my coffee.  I had some of the sliced hog jowl.  I want to tell you all that it's not salty like fatback or streak o lean meat.  It's more like a fresh bacon but has a rind on it.  The rind is not a favorite of mine as it is rather tough.  I think next time I will salt and pepper the meat before cooking it.  Otherwise, it was quite nice and not a bad substitute for the pricier bacon.

The money work took me about an hour and 20 minutes today.  Part of that was due to extra requests/needs for money this month.  Millie's school is fundraising, I wanted to order a new pair of athletic shoes, needed to check out from Stitch Fix and work up a small order from Amazon for 'extra' things like a mobile home light switch and some tea I like especially in autumn and winter (Lapsang Souchong which is deeply smoky and lovely on a cold day).  Anyway, there was extra stuff aside from bills to attend to.  I'm rather pleased that this month sees me paying off the balance of both credit cards.  Yay!  That was a longer haul than expected but it will free up a goodly sum of money next month.

I decided to keep all three pieces from the Stitch Fix box.  I tried on my old denim jacket and it HUNG on me like clothes on a scarecrow.  I've not lost such a huge amount of weight, but I am easing my way from a size 22 to a size 20.  I think my old jacket is a 26W.  So, I decided it was time to donate that and the shacket will be a nice addition for the cooler months ahead.  As will be the heavy weave of the newer pants.  

I ran through my list of chores I'd written as I had coffee this morning.  Then I got up and fixed myself lunch.  While that was heating, I mixed up a batch of cookies.  I wanted Snickerdoodles.  I specifically remembered a particular cookbook that I'd purposely repurchased because it had my favorite recipe in it.  Well, where it might be I couldn't say.  I've used a sugar cookie recipe in its place over the years but I don't particularly like either recipe I've used in the past.

I decided to try another cookbook and found as I read through the recipe there was a spiced Almond variation which sounded lovely.  I decided to give that a try.  The spice combination is truly lovely, and the crunch of nuts isn't bad either...but the cookie recipe itself leaves much to be desired.  It tended to puddle across the cookie sheet but remain mounded right in the middle and so it's crispy edged with a soft center.  The texture is not what I want.  However, I will say that the mix of spices is spot on with cloves, cinnamon, and nutmeg with a hint of lemon zest.  It's beautiful.  I'll keep that in mind in future and try my hand at a cookie that holds its shape as I'd like.

It's a reminder to me too to pick up a cookbook and just go through and try recipes for the fun of it.  It's something I've wanted to do for years.  G Donna is attempting to perfect homemade croissants...and that's something I'd really like to learn to do as well.  

Tomorrow, I plan to head out to buy groceries.   I'd like to go out early and perhaps run to the Peach Shed north of me that is now selling North Georgia Apples.  I think that would be a lovely side quest for a grocery day.  I've decided to go to a grocery in an area where I typically don't shop.  I'm shaking up my routine a bit.  I think it will be fun to head out to unknown places, even though they are close to home.  I've already checked the Weekly Ad.  Since most of what I need is pretty basic, I can buy it about anywhere.  

Thursday, September 10:  I looked at my perpetual calendar earlier.  Apparently, I've not bothered to change the date since last Friday, the 4th.  I wonder exactly what made me forget to do it.  Is it because it is buried amongst a number of objects waiting to be placed on the bookshelves?  Was I anxious to 'forget' time for some reason?  I have no idea.  But I'm not planning to change it tonight either!  I'll try to remember to do it first thing in the morning.

I wanted to head out to Dickey Farms so why not just plan to go a little further and shop in a totally new town.   I can say honestly that I thoroughly enjoyed the whole thing!  And no, I didn't spend more, even though I didn't stick hard to my list. (Laughing here. The auto correct assures me I should use the word 'evener' here.  I declined their suggestion.) 

For one thing, though I'd reset my alarm to a slightly later time, I couldn't drag myself from the bed even then.  I got up around 9:15.  It does seem I am determined to sleep a good deal extra just now.  I had coffee and dressed then left the house to run errands in town before heading to my planned destination.  Wouldn't you know it?  I was barely halfway to the next town when I realized I was hungry as could be.  And no, I didn't eat before leaving, it's something I typically do on a Thursday morning.  I always skip breakfast that day.  It was nearly 11am and I figured I'd better go ahead and get something to eat in the next town, because I did want to stick to a budget!

So, I grabbed a very early lunch.  Please note that this threw off my entire day.  Not timewise but in how and when I felt hungry.  

I went on to the store where I planned to shop and did very well.  I picked up beef shanks at $6.58 a pound and got a little less than a pound.  I also purchased some beef cubed steak in a smaller package, again less than a pound.  For the rest, I stuck hard to my list.  My splurge item today, aside from the meats, was a single jar of Oui yogurt, a treat I haven't had in ages upon ages.

I didn't mess up my budget but came in at a very happy figure.  And I got a bunch of lovely flowers!

I must've looked lost or out of place as I was asked multiples of times (several by the same clerk) if I needed help finding things.  I finally told her I was new to the store and more curious than anything.  I explained I had planned the day as part grocery shopping and part adventure.  She laughed at that but left me alone thereafter.

Then I headed back to Dickey Farms (passed it on my way to grocery shop) where I bought apples, a new coffee mug for my Fall morning coffee, a green tomato (the ONLY one I've seen this year!) and a tiny kiddie cup of butter pecan ice cream.  Oh, and a handful of green beans and four red potatoes.  Not a big spend but I was pleased with it.

I am looking forward to my fried green tomato.  I reasoned that if I'd still be getting tomatoes about now if I'd grown any (as if I ever had grown more than a handful of yellow pear tomatoes!) and I might be eating green tomatoes yet...Summer isn't quite over!

I really enjoyed my day out.  However, I was hungry about the time I got home.  It was 3:30pm.  So, I ate a sandwich.  I thought about eating at 6 but I wasn't hungry.  By 8:30 I could have chewed through drywall.  That is far too late to eat much of anything, so I snacked on cheese and crackers but that's what I mean about my whole day of meals being thrown totally off kilter today.

By the way, if you need to shake up your routine, I highly recommend taking time to shop at a different grocery store.  

I went into the kitchen earlier planning to put the forgotten bouquet of flowers in water and found ants on my counter.  I am doing battle with them here this week.  On a whim, I opened the cupboard under that counter and the whole was crawling with ants.  I sprayed until I nearly asphyxiated myself.  I need to get some of the bait traps and set out.  I haven't had to fight ants so hard in years, not since we started using pest control services.

All in all, I declare today a good one.  And now I am ready for bed.

Friday, September 11:  A friend's daughter pointed out that there is now a whole generation of young adults who know nothing about September 11.  I well recall where John and I were and what we were doing when it all occurred.  It shook me up something fierce.  All of a sudden, the fact that my children might not be near, that I couldn't protect the, hit me very hard.  It was then I became a prayer warrior.  And I've been one ever since.

I was up early this morning, much earlier than I've been used to getting up here lately.  I took time to read a little while I had coffee.  I've started Winter in Thrush Green, in addition to my other book.  It is October as I read the opening chapters and its true autumn in Thrush Green.  Given the cloudy look of the day outdoors it fit perfectly, but once I stepped outdoors to feed Sassy this morning, all my fantasies of it being autumnal here were blown out of the water.  Humidity, heat, ick.

I puttered around the house, doing a house blessing, hanging some pretty things in the kitchen (which is officially DONE as far as decorating that room goes), doing laundry, sweeping.  All the usual things.  It was a lovely morning, though the sun kept being chased away by clouds.  Finally, spying a particularly lovely patch of sunny blue overhead, I took laundry out to hang to dry.  I sat down to eat my lunch and had just finished when suddenly, with no warning at all, it rained heavily.  And just like that my dry clothes got soaked through.  The weather app said it would rain until nearly sunset.  In came the clothes to dry in the dryer.

At the end of this week, I look around my home and feel pleased.  A few seasonal changes have been made in all the rooms.  The furniture has been nicely rearranged and the rooms look fresh.  I've made progress on my plans for this new season.  Next week I'll make more progress.  

I've missed John deeply today.  No particular reason why.  It just comes over me now and then.  I'll be going along perfectly happy in my homemaking and suddenly I'll feel a keen depth of an ache inside and it seem I can hardly bare to take a breath.  But given a moment or two to remember that this is mine to bear, I do take that breath and somehow another and then I can go on.  I go on.  

Am I Back? Maybe...

 

Sunday, August 30, 2026:   Well hello!  I'd said I'd rest through the first week or two of September, but today I felt strongly that I wanted to write and so here I am.  I've written all of the posts I plan to publish for September on the Fresh Season blog.  They are scheduled ahead and will come out each Monday of this month.  We'll call it 'writing lite'.  

But as we come to this week marking the last two days of August and the start of a new month, I do feel ready to 'talk' a bit, which is how I always see what I write here.  It's just a chat between friends and neighbors over a cup of coffee as we stop to rest between chores and appointments and living.  

 August has been hot.  And dry.  We've had lots of thunder but little rain.  The grass pretty much died, which meant that for the past two weeks Sam's had no need to push himself to mow lawns on his weekend off.  

It's been too hot to go anywhere or want to do anything, which suited me perfectly, as I found myself sticking very close to home and happily alone.  That might sound sad to you, but let me assure you, as an introvert, sometimes that very thing just feels like the nicest thing in the world.  It's a vacation for my spirit!  I barely poked my nose out of the door.

And what did I do while tucked in my home?  I read and read and read.  Five books to date, some heftier than others.  I read the first in the Anne of Green Gables series, then the second in Sarah Maas' Court of Thorn and Roses series.  I read a book written in monotone but which I found myself picking up periodically, Farmer's Wife by Helen Rebanks.  I don't know what sort of book it was meant to be but it didn't live up to the rather good reviews, yet, as I said, I couldn't seem to just leave it.  I read a new to me Emilie Loring book ghost written after her death and published by her son.  The story based on her own outline and it was good enough.  I read most of Tamar Adler's Feast on Your Life.  It's laid out in daily bits...and while I can't say I found it half so compelling as her first book, I've enjoyed reading in small doses.  I think I read something else but couldn't tell you what.

I watched multiples of movies, marathon watched my way through new to me vlogs and tv series, went to bed stupidly early (8:15 last night!) many nights, took long naps most afternoons, slept in most mornings and did not start one single project or feel in the least guilty about acting so thoroughly 'retired'.  I began to feel a real affinity for the month-long Parisian vacationers.  

But this past week, while still sleeping in late and going to bed extremely early, I began to think long and hard about what I really want my life to look like, balancing dreams and practicality, work and leisure, taking into account how I really feel (lonely, to be honest, a wee bit bored, but so much more rested), what I really want (a well-balanced life), and how I see my future (promising enough adventure to suit me, but not taking me so far from my natural love of being at home).  I'll publish a post about that at the end of September on the other blog and will flag it on a future post here if you're interested.

In the meantime, I am ready to return to living.  Truly living.  Not just sitting about watching tv, sleeping and forcing myself to eat.  

Today I was up early, and though I missed leaving directly at 10am, I was on time for church with room enough to spare to speak to a few folks.  I admit that I'm sheltering pretty hard still, not being particularly outgoing nor seeking out everyone I know.  I really did withdraw quite hard in August, and I've barely even spent time with my family.  But that too is due to change.

After church I went to Katie's.  She ran to pick up something for lunch, so I stayed at the house with Cody and the two little boys.  Henry has a game he enjoys playing where he throws a stuffy out of the play area and then waits for someone to bop him with it.  

Cody and I talked over their future plans to move onto the property here, something that has been in the works since well before John passed away.  Caleb held my hand the whole time I was sitting on the couch with him and Cody, which was very sweet.  He's gotten taller and is snaggle toothed as can be.  Henry will be two in another week.  Time has a way of speeding up and sliding past you, just when you've taken a notion to slow down.

I feel more optimistic than I did at the beginning of this month.  Physically, I'm better. I really feel better.  All of the rest and nourishment didn't hurt a bit!  I'm ready to begin my long list of projects now and to adjust my life to a more routine schedule, to face whatever lies ahead in the season that is nearly upon us.  And I reckon that is a good thing.

So let the projects begin and living start afresh.  I'm ready for a new season once more.

Tuesday, September 1:  My nod to autumn at the moment: Jake Westbrook's five volumes of vintage Autumn music.  I turn to that music as the soundtrack for my life every September and I see no need to change it.  It's perfect music as far as I'm concerned.  Even if it feels less like autumn than an open portal to Hades outdoors. Ugh.  

But as a soundtrack goes, if one must be in the autumn of a life as well as coming into an autumn season, it seems to me that Jake's music just hits the right note of giddiness over a new season, sadness at passing time and mellow moodiness.  I've listened to many other of his volumes of music, but the autumn group suits me best of all of them.

Dry and crispy may describe most of plants in the yard but the Gardenia has taken a notion to bud and is blooming slowly, sending out the most glorious scent.  I've snipped a few blossoms to have in the house.  John loved gardenias above all flowers.  I think because he could actually smell the aroma of them.  He seldom could catch a whiff of anything much, which made him the ideal paramedic but hindered his enjoyment of many scents others took for granted.  However, he could smell gardenias, and vanilla, and he appreciated them greatly.  I used to clip a few buds of the Gardenia and bring indoors throughout the two blooming seasons each year.    

Before I had a Gardenia bush in my yard, Granny always snipped blossoms and brought John little bouquets of them from her bush.  Granny wasn't sentimental but that she'd known how much he loved them and kept him supplied with blooms during her own plants blooming time said a great deal about her thoughtfulness and how she felt about John.

Katie gifted him this bush for Father's Day years ago and chose it expressly because it blooms twice each year.  John loved to go outdoors and sit on the porch just to sit near and inhale deeply. 

After I gave the house a vigorous House Blessing yesterday, I decided it was time to make some changes.  I tackled moving furniture.  It's past time for the very beat up and shabby looking things to leave this house.  It's time to stop fighting the fact that my dining room is badly off kilter and I just need to create my own boundaries for that space, ignoring all the advice to center the table off the light fixture or the window both of which are NOT centered to the space.

I haven't moved furniture about in ages.  I did remarkably well considering how I felt two months ago.  I realized as I began to disassemble things and move items about, that the house was decorated last in March, when I changed up the mantle and side tables with blues and greens for the Spring season.  That was just before John died.  And I've not touched it since.  Nor can I say I even have noticed any feature of the living space in those five months behind me either.

I won't even discuss how horribly dusty/dirty everything felt.  There was nothing for it but copious amounts of vacuuming and dusting with damp cloths because there was too much for a dry duster.  Oh, my goodness!  I'm not nearly done either.  But I'm not trying to run myself in the ground right away.  I'm trying that more balanced approach to life, remembering that I've nothing but time before me.

I have a feeling the mess won't go anywhere overnight so I'll leave it as it is at present.  

Thursday, September 3:  Another day past.  I have a Quiche in the kitchen which will serve me supper tonight and then go into the freezer for future meals.  I'm pretty happy over that.  It's the first good thing I've made this week. No... It's about the first good thing I've made in months!  My cooking has been off for weeks now.  Just now I am just not interested in eating summery salads and yet it's entirely too hot to even think of comforting autumn meals.

I also made a lovely homemade Maple Coconut Pecan granola that smelled so amazing I had to eat a couple of tablespoons of it as I put it away in the jar.  Oh, gracious but it's good!  I seldom want cereal and don't always want hot oatmeal, but I do love a good granola.  I'm happy I finally broke down and made some for myself.

The living and dining room are no less chaotic than they were.  I've a ton of work to do, but today I've only puttered.  I forced myself to work on one thing then rewarded myself with two or three chapters of my book before I did another thing.  Some days only incentives are enough to bring ambition up to par.   In the meantime, the whole large space of front entry/dining/and living rooms is a shambles.

The new mattress helped considerably with back pain over the past two months, though I was still plagued through early August with it off and on.  But lying flat on my back made my neck hurt horribly. I could hardly turn to see what oncoming traffic might be headed at me and confess right now that I sometimes went on prayer at a stop sign.

Sam convinced me a new pillow was the surest answer and recommended for about the hundredth time that I get a COOP pillow. (Amazon affiliate link there...) He's only been telling me for at least three years I should get a Coop pillow.   I waited until I had a little income at the beginning of this month and ordered one.  It arrived two nights ago.  No more sore, stiff neck!  It was pricey, but since I needed just one, I figured it was doable.  The sound sleep I've had made it worthwhile.  Highly recommend!

This weekend we'll celebrate Henry's birthday early since Taylor will be here this weekend. On Tuesday I'll have Caleb and Liam, a cousin, because it's a teacher workday in their county.  Next Friday I have Grandparents' Day at both Isaac and Millie's school, then on the following Monday, at Caleb's.  For once, I can actually visit three schools and see three children.  And they have planned times between Isaac and Millie's schools so that I can easily move from one to the other without having to find something to do in between or run home only to turn around and go back.

I've just looked around again at the mess in my house.  I'm not too worried about it being a mess.  Frankly, I think it's going to be worse long before it's better.  My goal is to focus in on one area at a time.  Right now, I've got the seating arranged and the furnishings in place in the dining and living area.  The mantle is half done.  The other half is not working for me, so I'm contemplating what sort of tweaking will work with that.  The bookcases look like a nightmare.  Books are turned every which way.  There's stuff piled on chairs waiting to be put in place or put away as fancy determines.

The dining room is pretty bad.  I can't move one piece of furniture that is moving out until I can clear all the stuff from another piece off the dining table where I stacked it.  Then I must unload the second cabinet before I move it because it's far too heavy to move with the items in it.  I've tried and realized right away that even with gliders under the cabinet feet it's not going to work at all.

It used to bother me mightily that I had such a mess at the end of the day, but I think it would be obvious to just about anyone that I'm in the midst of a fruit basket turnover in this living space and that this is no ordinary mess.  I think the likelihood I'll have company after 7pm in the evening is pretty slim anyway, so I guess I can leave it for another night.  

Friday, September 4:  The living room is looking rather nice once more, aside from the need to dust and cull the bookcases heavily and vacuum.  Never mind.  The mantle has been 'fixed' and looks lovely and autumnal.  I've hung pictures.  I switched out the pillow covers on the chairs.   I neatened the books on the bookcases since I didn't feel I had the necessary energy to completely pull them apart and do the full job.  

I tried hard to clear the dining table and it's nearly there.  Not quite nice, but far better than this morning.  The furniture is all in place for the moment, and I even managed a good bit of decluttering as well.  

I did most all of the work, including making my bed afresh with clean sheets as I chatted with a friend on the phone.  It's a habit we've both developed, to wander around our homes with the phone on speaker and chat while we do housework about once a month.  It works quite well and eliminates a lot of my tendency to start a task here and then get distracted and start a task in another area.  I find that when talking, I tend to stick with the one job, finish it up and then move to the next one.  

At noon, I took sheets and towels out to hang on the line in the hot bright sunshine.  They smell so very good when they come indoors and the sheets have a lovely crispy cottony feel that I can't resist.  And besides it's so darn hot outdoors that sheets dry in about 15 minutes even doubled up on the line.  I can't get that service from my dryer!

I couldn't help but notice how very dry and pitiful the yard and plants looked as I worked out there though. Even the bahia grass is dry and dying.   I expect it will be a fast mow for Sam this weekend when he cut grass.

I am pleased as I look around my living room tonight.  I needed this fresh look at my old things and I needed to remove some of the stuff that cluttered the space.  I do believe it' just the change of perspective I've needed.

Saturday, September 5:  I woke extra early this morning.  I decided to be a little leisurely and made myself a cup of coffee, then took up my book by Miss Read, Thrush Green.  I finished it this morning.  It was just the lovely sort of read I needed just now.  While they were all in the Spring, marveling at how lovely May is, what I noted most was how often they waxed poetic over living in the country.  

A sense of recognition hit me hard.  One thing I've always known was how very much I've always enjoyed living in the country.  And I say sincerely that while I lived for 13 years in two different small towns, I longed deeply for the country and the views it would afford me.  I vowed when I moved here, I'd never take it for granted and I don't think I have, at least not too often.  It's been home and a real refuge over the years and it makes my heart feel full of a deep contentment that can't be rightly described.

Henry's party was a lovely affair.  Calm and peaceful and pleasant, just like he is himself.  He's not really two just yet.  That comes later in the week, but it was a good time to gather and that little guy has no idea just yet what a birthday is, but I got a couple of photos of him that showed a dawning realization that this was not an ordinary day.  I think the cupcakes that followed singing Happy Birthday really impressed him.

I took Sam's trio of kid over with me.  He met us there and took them home again after the party.  It was hot but the kids wanted to go out to play.  As usual adults took turns sitting on the porch with them and 'keeping them safe' as Liam told me when he came to ask if I'd take a turn sitting outdoors.

At more than one point, John's name came up.  I think sometimes it's a little painful for us all, because we're so keenly aware that he's not there.  But by the same token, it feels right.  It's as though he is with us all yet.  He was among us in thought if not in fact and that's a rather lovely feeling, too.  

I shall end this week here.  I'm anxious to really enjoy the new season that is ahead of us.

Foolishness and Rest

 

Saturday, August 1:  Golly...A brand new month.  Admittedly I feel decidedly less than well at the moment.  I don't know what it is that's going on with me.  I just don't seem able to rest at night and then I drag about all day long feeling blah and blech.  I don't care for this at all!

Sam was here mowing this afternoon and racing to get it done.  Alas, I knew when I heard the first thunder rumble that he likely wouldn't finish the yard, not even as hard as he was going at it.  In the end, one section had one swatch about two mows wide left, and an upper level had a smaller rectangle about three mower widths wide.  When lightning began, he came right indoors but he got soaked to the bone before he got off the mower.  I grabbed towels for him and insist he make himself a warming cup of coffee.  He stripped down to his least wet layer, wrapped up and came to the living room to wait out the rain.

I'm Not Rushing It

 

Sunday, July 26:  It does seem, no matter how diligently I mind the clock, there is a 15-minute period when I go blind and dumb to time and then I glance at the clock and I'm running behind.  Every.  Single.  Sunday.

What makes it triply frustrating is that the night before church, I set my alarm.  I do not swat it off the next morning to sleep in a little longer, no matter how abysmal the night's rest was.  Some mornings I am up well before the alarm goes off.

For Me

 

Monday, July 20:  It amazes me to realize that we are so nearly to the end of July.  Yes, I know, it sounds as though I am rushing it along, but I think the reason I feel it has flown by thus far is because I haven't been well for most of it. 

This week is free of any commitments, appointments, birthdays, etc.  And I have decided that this week officially is MINE.  I have made plans to work some, to be at home, to go to the peach shed, to make small changes in my home.  I will stay up late, sleep in, make yummy things to eat using what I have.  I have a jigsaw puzzle Katie gifted me for Mother's Day to play with, a stack of books, a list of movies to watch.  I'm giving myself permission to take naps, to cry all I'd like, and basically just do as I'd please. This week is just for me.

I have been so weary with being ill and then having the sciatica flare up that I have been very emotional for the past week.  After examining my wants vs. needs, I realized that since John died, four months ago this week, that I have been in Go, Go, Go mode pretty much since his last Saturday evening. I am ready for a break.  I'd hoped to take a trip this month, but it simply didn't work out what with car repairs and mower repairs and birthdays, appointments, promises made, etc.  So here I am.  At home for the next 6 days with nothing to do but please myself.

Thursday:  This week has truly been what I'd said it would be.  A week for me.  I went nowhere until yesterday, when I woke earlier than usual and decided that I'd take myself out to breakfast (sort of).  I went over to the next town and bought a chicken biscuit, something that John and I saved for special occasions.  The occasions usually being a travel day for vacation.  No such plans this time around, but I'm happy to report that the chicken biscuit tasted as good as it ever has.  I ate it in a parking lot of a grocery store, sipping my hot coffee and taking my own sweet time.

I'd have taken it out to the graveyard to sit with Elizabeth Slappey, whom I've sadly neglected for a long time now, but I wanted to go to the peach shed.  They'd already announced they'd be closing in a week's time and I was suddenly mindful of how many of my days did not include a truly ripe peach.  And I was determined that I'd get some before the season was over and done.    

This time I played it smart and picked the very largest ones of several varieties I could find.  After all, they are priced at $1 each if you're not buying a 1/2 bushel and I may as well pay $1 for the very biggest I can find, right?  I still mixed the varieties all up in my bag, so I have no clue which is which.  I don't care really.  They are peaches.

I ran into my local grocery for milk, hoped for a green tomato but found none, and picked up a package of bacon so I might have a BLT this week at some point.

Then I came home and did what I've done a lot of this week.  I cried.  I cried for John's passing, for the hurts in the family that I can't heal, for the end of peach season, for the painful nights of not sleeping due to sciatica, for not feeling good, for missing John.

This week, I am going to be as sad as I feel and get it out of my system, because next week, I am scheduled, appointed, needed.  This week none of that has interfered.

I had a long phone conversation with Amie which made me feel better overall, though I have no clue why.  I made meals, I tried to piece the borders of a new puzzle, I took a long nap without any planning on my part.

Last night I went to bed early, before dark, and I slept until 5:30 this morning.  Then I got up and sat in my chair and slept until 8.  I fought myself to wake up and seriously contemplated going back to bed.

When I went out to feed Sassy, I found her alone and talkative and loving, which is highly unusual for her.  I wondered worriedly where Rufus was, but of late he's not always out on the porch when I go out.  I did laundry and hung it to dry and found Sassy on the front porch, still needy and loving and talkative.

Josh phoned me about noon and said he had something to bring over.  When he came in he told me he'd found Rufus...

So we bid goodbye to a dog who never allowed us to own him exactly, but he claimed us as his.  There's not a single grandchild who hasn't been loved and greeted by him with real affection.  There was never a time he greeted me that he didn't bow like an old knight before my feet, giving me the status of being his queen.  There never was such a dog.  He hated to be groomed or trimmed, preferred to be rough and dirty and made it clear that he belonged wherever he chose to be at that moment.  Sometimes with Bess, sometimes with me, sometimes at a house in the neighborhood.  He was forever in a relationship of sorts with a female, cat or dog, didn't matter.  He'd happily greet them, allow them to kiss and admire him and happily roam with them wherever they wanted to go.  He was faithful, in his own way, to everyone he loved.  And he was protective.  Many a time he got between me and a delivery man and stood his ground warning them off, though he barely stood 12 inches high.

He was a good dog.  May he roam happily in the hereafter.

Saturday, July 25:  I didn't accomplish much this week.  To be honest, I never meant to.  I meant to do exactly what I did.  To treat myself gently and tenderly, allow my emotions to be what they were, to sleep as much as I needed, to nourish my body in mostly healthy ways, and to ease my way through the days alone.  I did just that.

As a result, the sciatica has eased considerably.  I'm sleeping at night and often switching off the alarm in the morning and taking an extra half hour.  I've napped or simply go to lie down in the afternoon if I felt tired.  

I tried to work a jigsaw puzzle, but I found it overwhelming which is unusual for me.  I gave myself permission to put it away and try again later.  I didn't read much.  I watched TV but not to excess.  I spent a lot of time just being quiet.  I woke yesterday morning and felt the stirrings of a body ready to get back into regular work/play routines.  I am pushing myself to continue resting through this weekend, but I can tell that I've made a major difference in how I feel physically and mentally.

This week meant for me has done its work.  Perhaps in the future I'll feel I'll need another such time. And if I do, I shall try to remember how much this week has benefitted me.  Even when faced with another loss in my life.  Even when I might feel lonely, which has nothing to do with being alone.  

Next week I'll have Caleb two or three days.  Can't remember exactly how long but it's back to school time in our state.  Cody has to return to work for training and maintenance things.  Sam starts his new job as a teacher on Tuesday.  His children go to school on Wednesday.

I don't guess we can call it summer break anymore.  Summer is hardly over.  But the children had a nice break.  

And my calendar is filling up once more.  Keeping Caleb, an appointment, a lunch date with my missionary friends who are stateside, errands and planning a new month.  Life goes on.  But it was totally worthwhile to take this week off and just be what I needed to be for a little while.

I Did It Anyway

 

Sunday, July 12:  I struggled last week to 'feel good'.  Adding to my overall malaise, I have had a sciatica attack that is painful and bothersome, and I want nothing more than to toss in the towel.  I might have done just that had I been able to lie down or sit for an extended period.  Alas, I could not, which meant I had to be up and about and if I was going to have to be up and about anyway, I might as well do something.  Right?