Saturday, May 2: I had a lovely day today, despite it being rainy and cool enough to warrant wearing a sweatshirt when we were out. I was up early and ready to go out with Katie. Then I sat down and folded the basket of clothing I'd left unfolded yesterday when I did sheets and towels. I decided to put the linens in the trunk and that needed a good sorting out and neatening up so I did that. Productive on a Saturday...What is the world coming to?
Sam and Katie both arrived at the same time. Sam came to pick up the mower blades, reporting that the transmission on the mower had not leaked one drop of transmission fluid since he removed it from the mower and refilled it. Then he left to go home.
Katie and I had planned to visit a farm stand that is quite the place. It's well out in the country, and is two sheds connected to one another. The first shed is loaded with produce of all sorts, and the second shed has more produce, honey, nuts, and baked goods as well as produce bags that have been pre-purchased and packaged up. For about $10 you can get a lovely bag of produce. I don't know just what is in the bags, because we chose to pick out our own produce, but I can tell you that things are well priced and so beautiful.
Today I got a head of garlic, 3 yellow squash, a zucchini, a beet the size of a rutabaga, sweet potatoes, blackberries, kiwi, bananas, lettuce, Roma tomatoes, green beans, a red cabbage, cilantro, a huge mango, 2 large Portabella mushrooms, and a small bag of fresh Okra (that's for Sam). All of my produce came up to less than $15. I should be well fixed for produce for the next two weeks, I think.
They did not have baked goods today. And what we bought was a mere drop in the bucket for what they actually have to sell. Katie tells me that each time she goes in the produce changes.
The whole is run with the help of students from Fort Valley State University. The place is small and well hidden, but so popular that you must wait until they have space to allow you to enter. They take your name and then you park and wait for a text telling you that it's your turn to shop.
After we bought produce, Katie and I went back to town to the Mexican restaurant to have lunch and ate a very good meal. Then we stumbled upon an estate sale where I found a lovely Camellia print that is the perfect piece to replace a picture that I'd felt was far too pale for my space. That was a gift from my girl. I've already hung it in my living room.
This is a signed and numbered print from the American Camellia Society, which I find very fitting since the trio of kids and I love to visit there.
Katie wanted a table to use in her new office as a coffee bar and decided to stop at the store on the corner in my little town. I had not been in there in months and boy oh boy has that space changed. They've repaired floors and done a lot of clearing and have opened it up into antique booths with a lovely bunch of things. Katie found the table she wanted. I found an item too, a roll top desk. Not an antique, but it is wood and I've already put it in my bedroom to replace the rather beat up desk I've been using. Truth, I love that rather beat up piece, but it's nothing to brag about, lol. I plan to use it in my work room when I get that set up. It will look prettier when it's had a thick coat of paint upon it's battered and scratched surface. And since it will be used for crafting as well as for writing, I shall not worry about refinishing it too finely.
I have Amazon Prime on my television and use Amazon photos as storage for all of my many pictures online. I'd been watching television and paused the program I was watching so I could do something else. When I came back into room there was a picture of John from this past November in St. Augustine. We'd gone into Barefoot Bill's Bar and Grill in Old Town to get lunch, and I'd taken the picture as he sat across the table from me.
He looked so alive, so real, that I could only smile right back at him. I well remember the look on his face, a look I saw often when he looked at me, always with a slight smile on his lips and depth in his gaze that spoke of love and passion and warmth. I told his picture how much I love him, how I miss him, and I thanked him for always making me feel so beautiful, so loved and for never leaving me in doubt as to how he felt about me. Not even after his death.
All in all, it was a lovely day. It's ended being sunny and lovely outdoors but we've more rain ahead and cooler mornings, too.
Tuesday, May 5: Yesterday I puttered about my home doing all the homely things: tidying, preparing meals, cleaning, laundry, arranging flowers, etc. I love a productive day at home. And I love coming to the end of the day with everything about me looking neat and lovely and fresh.
I find my current routines suit me very well. To have a productive day, go to bed, fall asleep and awaken early the next day really does make me feel my absolute best. Mind you there are tears here and there, but I feel quite comfortable expressing my grief in those moments and then moving on.
Today I had pre-determined, having examined the weather the night before, that I'd finally make a trip over to the mountain to scatter some of John's ashes there where we went so often and prayed so deeply together over the years. It turned out to be a beautiful day, clear and fresh and perfect.
The drive went very well, and when I arrived at the spot a car was just leaving, but I had it to myself thereafter. I scattered some of John's ashes and just as I did a gust of wind came up and sort of pushed them back at me, lol. I laughed because the box of ashes actually came with instructions to be careful of wind when scattering. I thought, wow, I should have brought a broom with me to brush off the rock where some of them landed. And I swear I heard John in my head say, "The leaf blower would work better..." That made me laugh out loud and lightened a teary moment.
I sat there for a bit on the wall and prayed. Mostly being thankful. Thankful that I had John in my life, thankful for his care of me, his love, his spiritual leadership, his humor and music, his enjoyment of life. Thankful he's left me well provided for, with a home and cars in good repair, enough money to meet my needs, and the ability to manage them all.
When I was in my first marriage, I had to manage many aspects of life on my own. But always at the last moment, whatever decisions I'd made had to be changed because someone else thought they'd better handle it. Sometimes in-laws, sometimes parents, sometimes my husband. To be honest, that continually being second guessed, left me lacking confidence and feeling I didn't know how to do very much in the right way. When I divorced and became a single parent on my own, Mama often pushed for certain choices and decisions and I let her pretty much run my life, tell me how to spend my money, choose clothes I bought or furnishings, etc.
But when John came into my life, he assessed things pretty quickly. When we weren't married, he never attempted to control my financial life, but he did encourage me to examine spending habits, and who I was letting make financial decisions for me. He would listen to my thoughts on various decisions I needed to make and might make a suggestion or two of other options if I needed more choices, but he never pushed me to do things his way. In the end, I made the decision and he always complimented my choice.
When we married, he insisted I learn to manage our money, and he trusted me to make sound and reasonable decisions when he was working, when decisions had to be made right away. At first, he handled the money and I watched his example of how he kept a cash flow available for us if needed but also learned the discipline of NOT spending money we'd already set aside. Later, he followed my input and set up sinking funds for annual fees, so we needn't take those from our savings each year. And then towards the end of his working years, he had me handle all the bill paying on my own. I was so proud the day he told one of our boys that he trusted me 100% with our funds and felt assured I could take care of myself if it were ever necessary. So, I come into widowhood much more confident and surer of myself. I'm very grateful for his giving me that confidence to manage life on my own.
After I left the mountain, I went into Warm Springs and lunched at The Bullock House. That was something we'd planned to do, along with visiting the mountain, in January, as an early birthday for myself. Well, we got neither one the day we went. So today I went solo. As I said a prayer over my meal, I thought, "I don't know if this is in honor of my birthday or our anniversary or both..."
I thought about whether I'd go back to the mountain later and I think I will, but I can't say when. As for eating alone, that didn't bother me, but the meal was a little pricey and honestly, I was unimpressed with the food this time. Perhaps they were having an off day. But I asked myself afterwards if what I ate was worth the calories or the expense. I think I would like to try other places in the area for food or even take a picnic lunch.
Overall, the day left me feeling optimistic somehow. As though the life ahead of me is full of possibilities of all kinds. It's a lovely way to feel, truly it is. Perhaps it's because I started and ended the day being so very grateful. That surely is a wonderful coloring tool if you want to feel optimistic, agreed?
Friday, May 8: And how the week has flown!
Wednesday, I felt the usual sort of letdown feeling I have after I've done something that is both good and difficult. About 11 a.m., I finally dragged myself up out of my chair and went outdoors where I pruned the biggest rosemary and the rose that had finally spent all the bloom it had for the month of April. Then I watered plants on the patio and tried to pick up sticks and clear up messes. When I was tired, I sat down and contemplated all the dreams I'd had the day before on my travels of improving my home and yard. After I'd had a lot of time dreaming big, I settled down and dwelled on more practical and useful things I could begin where I am, since I have vowed moving forward with great care for this first year on my own.
The things I'd dreamed up are very nice but not necessarily to be done right away. At the moment, I do not need more things to do. I'm not only going forward cautiously financially, but I'm trying not to add to my sense of nearly constant overwhelm by adding in many big decisions and changes. It is enough to make my way through the current lot!
After a bit, I did some more work and then I brought myself indoors where I decided to cool off before pursuing more work. So, it was after lunch before I tackled the next thing: the music room. I told myself that I could take my time. That I'd just start in one area of the room. I found, in the end that I worked along one whole wall and it went very well. John had a lot of bulky empty storage things on that wall. It took far less out of me than I'd feared.
But I went back in on Thursday and continued, taking down pictures, posters, hat, flag, etc. John decorated the room to suit himself with walls packed with things, as well as bookcases and piles of things. In the end the room was 3/4 of the way done.
I confess I peeked into the closet yesterday thinking I'd clear that out first but gracious the amount of stuff there was completely beyond my realm of thinking. As I cleaned, I kept taking little breaks to contemplate the room.
Had I changed the atmosphere? Did it feel strained or unsettled? All I felt was a deep peace. When I'd stop, I'd asked out loud, "Do you mind John? Will you mind if I turn it into my room for work?" I told him my detailed plan: I want it to be a combination music room, cozy library corner, craft/writing room, that incorporates both of us together. Some of the artwork he'd had on the walls, instruments, etc. And a stereo where I can play albums or one of the many CDs I found tucked into a box that he'd recorded over the years.
Today, Bess came by to have coffee and shortly thereafter Sam came in, too. I could tell he really wanted Bess to leave so he could have me to himself and I guess Bess could tell, too, because she didn't linger today.
Sam and I had a long talk over many things, catching up since his holiday from school. His plans for the week ahead, for his summer, for the new school year when he's a teacher, how we'll handle the kids needs next school year (I'll be stepping in a bit) and about the children themselves. When I mentioned I'd started clearing out the music room, I saw a look flash across his face. It was a little hurt, a little sad. I explained how I saw the room in the future, that it would still be part music room, incorporating some of John's things, and some of mine. His face relaxed as he listened. Then we talked about John for a bit.
I think I'm the only person Sam has spoken to about his dad. We talked about the last day, how we felt. I learned things I didn't know about what my children experienced, trying to be strong for me, and how John's friends, and Outreach pastor stepped into the gap and held them and let them cry. About conversations that he'd had with John that I somehow missed, about conversations had with siblings.
Yes, I was there too, but I was truly in a daze. I'd been up since early Saturday morning, hadn't eaten a thing since lunch on Saturday except for whatever the kids grabbed from the machines in the lobby and shoved into my hand commanding me to eat. I'd manage a bite or two then put it away. Mostly I just sat there at John's bedside, fielding texts and messages and calls and relaying things to John that people wished him to know and acknowledging visitors who came in.
After Sam left, I finished up laundry and then went out to do necessary things like paying the electric bill, making a deposit, posting mail. And then randomly I decided to go clean up the Honda. I've budgeted money each month so I can take the cars to be cleaned. They get awfully dirty here in the country with pecan tree dripping sap onto them and dust and mowing and mud when it rains. And I am determined to keep them both nice. That necessitated a drive over to Warner Robins. Well, I realized about 2pm that I was terribly hungry, so I stopped to pick up a pizza. It was all I could think of that I really wanted. I ate a slice in the parking lot and then had another piece here at home.
I looked long and hard at prices, and the best value was the large pizza. That's 8 pieces of pizza which is far too much for one, but I reasoned that I could flash freeze it and then reheat in the air fryer later. So, I have 6 big pieces of pizza in the freezer now for the future. And it's good pizza, not frozen cardboard pizza. It's something I shall look forward to having, one slice at a time.
Wednesday, May 13: I hadn't intended to take such a long break between days but here I am. Last Saturday, I was in the midst of giving myself a fresh pedi and a manicure when a friend from church called to check on me.
I call her friend now, but we were just good acquaintances in the past. Selena reached out to me when John was in the hospital, coming to see him that morning and reaching out to Katie especially that day. And since then she's checked in with me routinely, always asking if there's anything I need or anything she can do and checking to see how I truly am doing. She's been such a blessing. I told her so during this phone call and we began to talk deeply. Such a privilege to get to know someone during this time!
While we were chatting, Katie texted asking if I'd go with her to pick up Taylor, so I got dressed and waited on her to arrive. I never once thought about eating lunch. It was going on 2:30 and when she asked if I'd like to stop and get coffee, I said "Yes please and something to eat!" I wanted HOT coffee not a fancy iced coffee because I was chilled to the bone. It was a good deal cooler outdoors than I'd thought it was and though I'd grabbed a ruhana to wrap around my shoulders it wasn't quite enough.
We arrived at the meeting place at the exact same time as Taylor and her stepmom arrived. Katie and Christina exchanged Mother's Day gifts, which Taylor had helped choose for both. It was so sweet to hear the "ooh!" and "Oh!" the two of them exclaimed as they explored their gift bags and Taylor fairly glowed with pride at how well received her gifts were.
On the way home, Taylor shared her 'savings secrets' with us, about regifting this or that to her mama or how they found another item on clearance, etc. Katie and I laughed but we did explain gifting etiquette to Taylor. We did not shame her for regifting or shopping smart, but we did tell her that it's nicer NOT to say those things to the recipient of your gift, even though we were proud to hear that she was minding her pennies!
They dropped me off at home and I sat here feeling a bit blue. No reason, except that I was tired and a little chilly and felt a bit blah due to the gray day outdoors. But I roused myself to finish the pedicure and manicure and prepared some supper. Josh came over with the most beautiful card from Sam and notes from each of their family members.
Millie had obviously written her own note without any coaxing and she did so well! I was very proud of her skill both in choosing words she could spell on her own and in her penmanship. The boys both proclaimed me "the BEST Gramma", their emphasis, not mine which was lovely and sweet. Bess and Sam also sent their own sentiments in separate notes.
The card is one of the pop-up types but not an open and unfold sort of card. Literally it lies flat and you sort of push up the bottom and the card forms a vase and the flowers slide upwards. They look like stained glass and it's so very pretty! I put it on the dining table where one morning, the sun will shine, and will show through the petals.
Sunday I was off to Katie's for a proper brunch. She did an excellent job of gifting her best friend, myself and a woman they all call 'Gramma Wendy' who isn't much older than Sam. It was a lovely meal with muffins galore and French toast, Bacon and fresh fruit. Caleb sat on my lap for the longest time, Henry greeted me with real joy, his excitement even greater when I went to the table to sit down, because he apparently thought it was high time he got fed! Well, he did.
Katie wanted to do things up nicely and had a mimosa flavored drink to serve that was quite nice, but she was careful not to give anyone very much of it since two of us were driving. It was all quite lovely.
And then I came home and watched television all afternoon long. I made myself some supper and called it another early night which seems to be the pattern for this week.
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I spent all three days sorting out the music room, though first thing Monday I went out in the yard and did some more pruning and clean-up first. I didn't tackle the music room until that afternoon. This time, since I'd finally made my way around the whole of the room, I cleaned out the closet and then I methodically and carefully packed away everything to do with John's guitars that I had come across. Eventually, Cody and I will go through the pedals and recording machines and synthesizers and amps and cords and guitars and I'll determine what to do with it all, but right now, I am happy that it's finally all tucked safely away where little fingers cannot twist knobs or push buttons.
I'd love to tell you the room is now a blank slate but it is NOT. There is a HUGE black trash bag in the middle of the floor, there's spare furnishings in the room and an overflowing bin of donations, plus a huge stack of things to be donated as well. There are bins I want the grown-up children to go through and determine if things are something they'd like to have. I am pretty sure that most of it will end up being donations except the cards, letters, and notes they gave him.
I am so very nearly through with the room and I'm glad of it. I will decorate it later. For now, I want to get a feel for the arrangement of furnishings in the room. I want to bring in my things and determine which of John's I can safely use with the children coming in and out of the room. I was well pleased to find that John had three bookcases we'd purchased ages ago in the room. I just didn't notice them much because they were so full of stuff, plus he had one in the closet. So I won't need to buy bookcases right away, if at all.
While I was doing some refining of the organizing indoors, Sam came over to mow the lawn and then he moved the mattress he's storing from my shed to John's first shed, aka the snake shed. He didn't see a snake in there nor shed skins either. What he did find, much to my surprise was ALL of the upper cabinets from the old kitchen layout! Sam came in and said, "Why did Dad save those?" "I guess he meant to hang them on the walls to use as storage..." " I'm taking them home to put on the burn pile."
I could tell you easily that John didn't have much 'stuff'. A great deal of what John held on to were things that were sentimental to him. But now and then, some of what he 'saved' has made us shake our heads wondering, "Why?" Like those cabinets that he never did anything with. Or all of those lawnmower blades that didn't even fit the current mower. Or all those perfectly good cardboard boxes, and even a box labeled "Boxes" and what each box held at the time of purchase.
I don't make fun of him, because I too have my motley lot of things I've kept over the years and I'm sure if I don't sort them out myself someone may well be shaking their head over what I've chosen to keep.
It's made me super mindful of my need to go through my own 'things and stuff' and edit it hard. I foresee some China and glassware and oh so much more making its way to the thrift store!
Tomorrow I shall be doing my weekly home blessing. I've an awards day for Caleb and Bella Friday and Millie's on Monday. The kids will be out of school very soon...
Saturday, May 16: I'm just awakened from a nap of about a half hour. And well deserved it was! But as usual I shall back up and tell you what happened between now and the past two days.
On Thursday, I did attend to my house blessing duties. I had laundry going and the bed and bath stripped and airing when Bess came in for coffee about 7:45 a.m. "It's not Friday!" It's funny to me she knows the routine here so well. Perhaps it throws her off when I do it on other days because it makes her feel she might have messed her own calendar/schedule up somehow.
After she left, I went to work and had all the housework done before noon. Then I went off to run errands (buy milk and catsup and drop off mail) and filled the Honda to overflowing with gas thanks to a faulty gas nozzle at the station. I then decided it was best to drive a bit to use up a little of the gasoline and by rights I managed to take it down by about 3/4s of a gallon which I feel should help with it not being overly full. While I was out, I picked up a half Sub, chips and iced tea for a bit over $7. Keep that price in mind.
I came home, had my lunch, and then went to work on the music room once more which is a horrible mess even yet. I did get my desk, printer, desk chair in there, the floor fully vacuumed, a big bag of trash off to the dumpsters and the room more or less arranged at one end. But by end of the day, I was drained from all that work and the emotional toll it has taken on me all week long. I ate a late supper and went to bed rather early.
Up early on Friday morning, and I was dragging hard. I'd showered and done my hair by the time Sam arrived to put up solar motion lights in the carport so if I'm out at night, I can see under there. Do they work? I've no idea at present. I should have gone out and tested to see if they would come on last night, but I was beyond tired by the time it was dark.
I left home about 9:30 a.m. I arrived at Katie's about an hour later and we drove up to the school together. Cody was there too but we didn't hear him say he meant to come with us, and we left him at home! Mind you it's only about 2 blocks to the school and he walked there but Katie and both felt badly about not realizing he meant to come with us! For some reason we both thought he'd bring his own car.
Katie asked me if I wanted her to check Caleb out early and me bring him to spend the night here. Now I've promised Caleb three times he might come home with me and something has come up every single time either his own sickness or the last time John's ailing. He was meant to come home with us on the Sunday John passed away. I hesitated before answering but not nearly long enough. I should have thought about it just a little bit longer. But I said "Yes, of course," and quickly planned what we might do.
After the awards program, we four went back to Katie's where she quickly packed his bag with necessities. He and I went to get my car washed which he thought was great fun. Then we drove to Burger King. He told me he'd already eaten lunch and I told him I hadn't, but if he wanted to eat something else I'd get him what he wanted. He wanted ice cream. He's lactose intolerant. I told him I'd take him to Dairy Queen, but I'd just get myself something for lunch and he could play for a while as I ate. He asked for a small drink and got that.
My lunch at Burger King was a HUGE shock to me. I ordered a Whopper, Jr. That used to be about a regular size burger but with lettuce, tomatoes and onions. It is now barely a slider sized burger. I'm serious! I'd ordered the medium meal, which included medium fries and medium drink. Well medium fries are barely what used to be a small fry. And the medium cup of unsweetened tea is what they used to sell as small (during the supersize era of fast food). So, everything was downgraded. That medium meal which was easily HALF what it might have been six months ago, and a small drink for Caleb was $9...I was flabbergasted. Especially in light of the hefty six-inch sub, regular chips and medium drink at Subway the day before.
I thought I'd just lost touch with reality since it had been a few months since I last took the trio of kids with me to Burger King, but then a young mom came up and asked if I'd mind sharing the oversized picnic table with her little family. I said not at all. She opened the kids meals and she said, "What?!" The fries in the meals, which used to be a small fry were 1/3 the size and in a little paper cup that looked like it belonged in a playset! The burger the kids received was larger than my own Junior Whopper, and the 'fruit' was 1/4 cup of applesauce. "And this was over $4 each!" she exclaimed as she passed out food to the two children.
Caleb had a great time playing and we did manage to get over to Dairy Queen where after a lot of asking and misunderstanding and finally my telling Caleb I was very sorry but the only ice cream they had would make him terribly sick, the manager's wife came to the rescue saying, "We don't have dairy free ice cream! We only have vegan Dilly Bars!" Well guess what? A vegan Dilly bar is dairy free, made with coconut milk...So he got his ice cream which made him terribly happy and made all three of us arguing over the order very happy too, lol.
I'd asked Cody to load up Caleb's bike thinking he'd enjoy playing outside here were he can roam freely but I think he was mostly bored. He kept telling me I needed to go outdoors with him, because he'd asked permission to go outside and I told him he was free to go outdoors here without fear, because there was no traffic or strangers here, unlike his busy neighborhood at home. He was not convinced. By 6pm he was bored with being here and I was so weary that I could barely keep myself going. I got frustrated and yelled a couple of times which I hate doing. We had supper, I put him in a bath where he told me he needed to wash his armpits and then he got dressed for bed. He goes to bed quite early, usually about 7:30 and though I'd meant to let him stay up a little later and watch a movie, he nodded off before the movie was half done. I hugged him and prayed for him and sent him off to bed and never heard a peep out of him all night long.
At 5:15 a.m. this morning, he turned on the dining room light and the television. He apparently drank half a diet Dr. Pepper, a glass of double strength electrolyte powders, thoroughly explored the closet in the guest room, played about in the mess in the music room and more before he woke me. I could barely pull myself from the bed and dress. I was much amused to find when I arrived in the kitchen that he had anticipated my need for coffee and had the coffee pot turned on and a cup at the ready under the drip. He just hadn't been able to figure out how to fill a k-cup.
He was ready to eat and so I found myself making bacon and banana pancakes before my coffee had brewed. And the morning went on at a pretty good pace from there. He 'washed' the breakfast dishes. We finished watching the movie from the night before. He got dressed and went outdoors immediately when daylight shown through the windows. He begged to go under the sprinkler which he was told No over and then asked to have Millie and Isaac come over which I also said No to because I was so darned tired and knew that three kids were entirely too much when I was in the shape I was in.
At some point in the morning, a second movie was started, a load of laundry was done (with his 'help'), the animals bowls were filled to overflowing and he went off to Sam's house on his own, without saying a word to me. Katie came up just as Sam texted me that he was at his house...
Katie didn't linger long here but we laughed over Caleb's activities. He's just six which is such a hard age. Not quite old enough to be unsupervised and desperate to be allowed to be more independent and helpful at the same time. He can be a help with a lot of supervision, but I was too easily distracted to keep up with him properly and I know that was more to do with my weariness and not his being naughty or unruly.
I realized after they'd left that all I've done these past two weeks is work hard, really hard and I've pushed myself to do more and more. It's a bad habit I have of thinking work will distract me from other things I don't want to deal with or think about and it's always to my detriment. I should have taken a time out and sought out something fun to do but no, I worked hard and harder and forgot to eat meals until it was very late indeed and slept badly because I'd eaten late, etc.
Today I am trying to slow down a bit, but it's not been a Sabbath sort of Saturday at all. I've done dishes and laundry and made meals and a cake, picked up the house, vacuumed the floors, etc. BUT the rest of the afternoon is going to be a 'day off' and I plan to take it easy tomorrow following church, too. Because next week I have things I must do if I'm going to finish off settling legal things up. I'd really like to have all that is up to me done by the end of this month.
I feel a second nap might be in order this afternoon...
