Shabat Thoughts: Lover of My Soul
This is a post I wrote on my old Blue House On the Hill blog in January, 2011. I was reading through old posts this evening and this one clarified something I've been tangling with these past few weeks. I've been so distracted by pain and lack of sleep and discomfort that I've pretty much been skimming along. I need to return, to spend a lavish amount of time with Him...
I am, by my own account, a fairly reserved person. I'm not lavish in touch, or words of love, or even that good at expressing myself verbally. I am more show and less tell. If I can feed you, give you a clean home, give you a warm blanket, a quiet place to rest, make you feel at home, I've shown you my love. But more than that takes a lot of effort, and feels awkward, and self-consciousness sets in and I start to do these mental acrobatics that ruin it all. Essentially I drive myself into a corner and set up barricades.
That's why I glory in writing. I can manipulate words until I hear my heart speak. And yet, to write of love causes something inside me to freeze up and I give up in frustration.
Last year, about this time, I had a vision while in synagogue, of Christ welcoming me with a passionate kiss. I was so overwhelmed by the idea of Christ, lover of my soul, welcoming me with passion that I wept. It was the last time I cried for the sheer beauty of His love, His salvation, His mercy, His grace, His glory.
But what does that say about my relationship with Christ? How do I communicate with God? Ideally I'd do that through prayer, but I so seldom reach that point of feeling comfortable with the spoken word. And being more show than tell, I'd be able to express my love through service, but this past year, my opportunity for service has been very limited, through His own subtractions.
Today, with our synagogue in a new building, one much nearer my home, I attended service for the first time on my own. I enjoyed the service, was moved by the songs of worship. On the way home I listened to a CD we bought during the Christmas holidays by Kathy Wilson. We were blown away by her song, Mighty Rushing Breath of God. On the same album she sings of being the Bride of Christ.
I thought about how a bride greets her groom. As reserved as I am, there was a time in the early days of my marriage when I acted as any bride would. I found touching my husband irresistible. I wanted to be near him, spend time with him every chance I could. The very next song spoke of how God had knowledge of her every secret and despite this loved her fully. Her chorus ends with "I come undone." And that's when my heart broke today and I began to cry once more at the vision of Christ's passion for my soul, when I came undone thinking of all He knows of me and how He continues to love me...
I shared earlier this week that I want to laugh more this year. My husband is funny and witty and works hard to get me to laugh. I want to give him that laughter he so deserves. I want to laugh for God as well, but I want to do more than laugh.
I want to weep openly for love of God, I want to greet Christ passionately when I come into His presence. I want to respond as a lover to her beloved, to the One who so loves me. I want to take down the barriers that keep me from reaching out to Him and showing Him my love, that keep my heart guarded, and cry out my love. It's so little to give Him who gave all for me.