John had his procedure early this morning and it went very well. We had the pleasure of the most beautiful sunrise to view for at least 25 minutes of our journey. John and I both kept commenting on how lovely it was. We don't get out at sunrise very often these days. Misty fog crept over the low places in fields the sunlight hitting it made it white as snowy clouds. It was almost surreal looking, clouds down in the fields and clear blue skies overhead.
I stayed in the car rather than go into the dismal waiting room. I didn't get a quieter environment outdoors, but I at least had sunlight, and the inside of the car didn't get warm until I'd been sitting there for an hour and a half. I had a sweater on this morning! That's how nice and cool it was outdoors.
I was studying this morning. Or so I was meant to be doing, working on the three courses I've made for myself, but my mind was one big blank. If only it could be that empty and that inactive at nighttime when I lay my head down on the pillow! Or at 3am in the morning. I had no mind for study, so I gave up, put on some music and resigned myself that I wasn't going to get much done.
I think it took John something like two hours before he came back outside. He is fine. He goes back next week to get his stitches removed. He was told he'll likely have a black eye tomorrow. He's hoping it will last until he goes to church on Sunday so he can tell everyone I hit him.
After the doctor, we went over to Katie's where Cody was home from his bus route for the morning. Cody made us a Ham and Cheese omelet while we played with Henry who ran all around his playpen squealing and laughing out loud. We went by just so John could get coffee. An omelet and giggles were bonuses. It was also providential. Taylor left her knee pads for volleyball at Katie's and needed them overnighted to her.
Katie asked if I'd run them by UPS and send them off. That's not what I'd planned to do but as Captain of her team, I know it's important to Taylor to have all her equipment, so I agreed to go by there and send it off. I nearly gasped out loud I was so shocked at the cost. The girl said, "We can have them there on Wednesday for $13..." "No, she has a game on Wednesday. I need them to be overnighted." The clerk measured the package (9 x 7) and then said, "It will be $63." Wow. Apparently, you pay by the inch.
This afternoon, I went over to Sam's to meet the kids. His dog has developed a special routine meant just for the days I come over. He comes to the car door and walks back and forth until I open the door. Then he nudges me until I get out of the car. When I put my feet out on the ground he starts to prance around. Then he does a happy dance all the way to the porch when I step fully out of the car. He just wants to go inside and get a drink cool water rather than the water Sam leaves on the porch for him. If the bus is later and hasn't come after he gets his drink of water, he insists I let him back outdoors so he can greet the children when they come home.
While supper was reheating tonight, I sat down to do some of the study work. Blank mind again. Not at the study itself but one of the tasks that is an assignment for this week. I was stumped. I struggled hard and finally managed to do that exercise but the whole thing made me feel a bit sad, a bit grieved because I realized initially that there was no one I could ask about that particular thing, which dealt with my childhood. Yes, Mama is alive but her viewpoints on me are skewed, so there's no point in asking her. Anyone else who might have known me is dead. And that's what made me feel sad, and a little bit grieved.
Then I read today's reading in Simple Abundance. Her writing this week is about being an authentic success. I don't always focus on just what she's writing about but what thoughts those devotionals of hers will spark within me.
I've said many times lately that I want to be an authentic self. And I started wondering when I read this book 30 odd years ago was I as uncertain of who I was as I am now. I realized that indeed I was not. I'd been on a very enlightening journey, and I was flourishing in my roles, and my ambitions and dreams were nearly in grasp. So how did I lose the plot?
As nearly as I can timeline it, it began with perimenopause. Suddenly my body was no longer the body I'd come to know. Weight fluctuated, hormones were all over the place. I was full of aches and pains, angst and anger. My energy was a mixture of manic activity or feeling as though a brick wall had landed on me and was pinning me to the bed. We won't even discuss brain fog and confusion.
So, through my mid-40's and then mid-50's. I had that health scare that sort of knocked me for a loop. Menopause happened. My children's lives went haywire in many ways. Life changes had children moving in, moving out, multiples of times. Divorces, betrayals, mental health crises, more babies, caring for grandchildren fulltime, retirement, Covid...more childcare, more mental health crises, financial struggles. Is it any wonder I lost my way? I was working harder than ever and everything else pretty much got set aside.
Everything else being me and what I loved and enjoyed. Working became such a habit that all I did was work. And I made writing just that much more work, one more thing to be accomplished and not necessarily enjoyed. Inspiration fled and I was left writing about what I thought about most, how to stretch that next dollar.
There's nothing wrong with that. The origin of my writing was based upon writing what I knew; how to stretch our funds to raise a family. But I had wanted to grow beyond that. I wanted to share insights, glimmers, inspirations. Hard to do when those things are buried under the must do-s, the have to-s, a child's needs. It seemed like all I could see were the things that weren't getting done, things I used to do but no longer had time for.
I do recognize the irony that here I am just months after saying I had no need to 'find myself' that I am searching so very hard to do exactly that. I just hadn't realized how lost I truly was until now. Well, I'll rediscover myself here at the ripe age of 66 if I must. Or least make a good start at it.
Amazon Associates Affiliate Link: If you use my link to enter the Amazon site and place an order, then I may earn a small commission on qualifying products. Thank you!
No comments:
Post a Comment