Coffee Chat: Anxious and Penny Ann-ish

Hello dears,

I've been so very busy of late that I thought I'd take time to have a coffee chat today.   There really is a pot of coffee brewing just now.  I need it!   No sweets in the house at present I am afraid, but there are sugar cubes and milk for the coffee if you feel you just must have something a little sweet.  Granny used to take it in spells to have sugar in her coffee...or she'd open a can of sweetened condensed milk and pour in a dollop and stir the coffee around until it was milky looking.  It tasted so good, especially during the last hot days of summer, which somehow seems to wring you out entirely, or in the last cold days of an overly long winter.



I like August just fine, especially in years like this where we've had a good bit of rain, the grass remains lush and green and though it is terribly humid, it's also very temperate.  Beats those long scorching summers that crisps and turns grass and leaves brown.  I know that regardless of what the calendar says it is officially the last month of summer and it makes me determined, even when at it's worst, that I shall enjoy it.   This is about the time I realize that I haven't had fried green tomatoes or a fresh watermelon and I go seek those things out.  It is also about now that I realize whatever peaches I might have had are done.  No matter that the markets are still pouring out strawberries, they are long done in our area as well, if one is to eat seasonally.  So yes, August is a month when I play catch up on summer things if I can.  That said, I have already seen the first goldenrod blooming and the first mallow flowers, as well.  Not many morning glory blooms just yet but the vines are there and the blooms will come.  These also appear in August and the lawn under the trees is already scattered with yellowing leaves.  The dark comes earlier and earlier as we progress through the month.  The signs of a season changing are there.   Not rushing September along, mind you, nor hurrying Fall to come sooner, but the flowers that typically bloom about now are autumn flowers for us and so it puts me in mind of the season that is coming.

I had a long conversation with Amie on Tuesday of this past week.   We talked well over an hour, something we seldom do.  I never know if she's got a pre-paid phone with limited time left on it, or if she's working, etc.  She is not a correspondent though I find that none of my children are really but they still seem to appreciate a note from their mother just the same.  Amie and I had a great chat the other afternoon, catching up on much between us and generally just glad to have someone to chat with.

The lovely thing with a cell phone is that you can take it wherever you like, put it on speaker phone if you happen to be alone, and work away at some task like folding laundry or wiping counters or watering plants.  I chose to sort files and a great deal was accomplished as we talked so long.  Not that I think I must  do two things at once, because I do believe in doing mindless things one at a time as relaxation, but it's awfully nice to accomplish something while you're doing something else, especially if you've missed time at home.  I'd already had a day out with Mama the day before and the morning out that day so to accomplish some of the work needed in the house and converse as well was a nice thing.  John was out mowing lawns and I always feel it is incumbent upon me to work if he's working.  He seldom feels such a need I've noticed, lol.

So I got all caught up with Amie.  It was a pretty good week for family, overall.  Josie sent me a video of herself paying guitar.  I saw Bess briefly, the boys stayed a few hours with me on Wednesday afternoon, I had time to talk with Sam for a few minutes and spoke with Katie, too.  It is a rare week, indeed a rare month, when I speak with this much of my family at once!

It was along about Wednesday when I started feeling edgy, uneasy.  I felt as though I had a huge black cloud over my head named DOOM and as the week went on the cloud seemed to get bigger and blacker.  I deny being depressed, but I most definitely felt as though something awful was ahead... it is like that dreadful ominous sort of music in a movie when you know something horrible is about to happen but you don't know what it is. It creates an unpleasant state of suspense.   It is just like that with me.  I can't seem to shake that feeling that there is something ahead that I really don't want to be caught in but I have no choice but to go through the space just the same.  It went on all through Thursday and Friday  it culminated in what I would claim as a slight depression, a most definite navy blue-ness,  a sense of failure and uselessness, a general weepiness and a physical weariness that left me with an absolute desire to just crawl into bed and sleep despite the fact I'd slept incredibly well for several nights running.

I have, with my doctor's knowledge, been slowly cutting down the medication he gave me but truth told I feel best at a higher level and I sometimes think I might well give in and return to that level.  I am trying to do what is correct however, and that is to not become so dependent upon the medication that it is ineffective and to find other means of coping or distracting myself.

I spend a little time outdoors most days.  I've returned to my former habit of sitting on the porch with the pets as they eat each morning, unless the gnats are particularly bothersome.  Hard work is a good remedy I think, and so I have worked hard, pushing myself to get many things done.  I have been weeding the flower beds and doing some outdoors work.  I believe in connecting myself with the natural world and the rhythm of the earth, as God meant us to be.   I also find it cathartic to clear up the clutter and to discard those things that are no longer necessary or lovely or useful for my current life stage.   This activity has the added benefit of also opening me up emotionally and memories come pouring out or dreams at night reveal things I need to work upon.   I've spent a little time  watching movies or reading books or magazines and I try to give them my full attention, not half a mind here and half a mind there.  If I can lose myself in a movie or book I count it as a good break from the strain of anxiety.  I have spent time each day writing in my journal and doing my Bible studies and I have been trying to return to deep prayer.  I have given an honest accounting of myself before my God, not in harshness, but in an effort to straighten out my skewed self.

I am not well.  I am not emotionally overwrought nor mentally deranged, but I am not well.  This is not a normal state.  I know this.  I don't know just why I am here. Pastoring friends' talk about anxiety and depression being a satanic attack.  Other people, not of a particularly religious bent, report that it is a chemical imbalance.   Still others suggest that it is not Satan but God who has placed me here in order to punish me, perhaps as part of a generational curse or for the purposes of refining me.

I do not know the why of where I am at present, despite soul searching,  but I do know how I feel.   It is uncomfortable.  It is unpleasant.  There is no joy in it.  Yet it does not wholly consume me, because there are moments when I rise above it, when I move through my life feeling perfectly healthy and well adjusted for two, three, four days and then DOOM is right there hovering over me all over again, as suddenly reappearing as thunderstorms do on any summer day. Because it does lift at moments and because it does not appear to be a regularly scheduled event, nor of any particular duration and is intemperate in nature, I assume that it shall not always be thus and I try to just move through it and pray that this is a season soon ended.

I have not made decisions about anything much aside from household things over the last few months and really not many about those.  John, who has routinely pushed me to choose this or that or make this or that decision has let me be for several months.  I try hard to express an opinion when I have one but then there are days like Friday when I  am at the grocery and I cannot keep my thoughts from skittering back and forth and away from the task at hand and making a choice is absolutely impossible.  The advantage of a list is absolutely wonderful at those times and far fewer impulse items make it into the cart because I have to focus on the list or be lost.

No, I've not made any hard decisions but this week I've had to put my thinking cap on and pull it down tight about my ears and look hard at several things and make some difficult choices.   Earlier this week it was our financial status now and what it's likely to be in the near and far future days ahead that had to be examined.  That was sobering and has made John and I both a little wary and brought us up short once more about our expectations.  Having watched a number of gentrified British pieces of late, I can tell you quite honestly that 'we have no prospects' i.e. inheritances,  that will settle our future.  It must be settled by ourselves, for ourselves, and so we must live within our means or find ourselves living meanly.

That has put fire back into me to plan meals and balance a pricey one with several of the more basic but homey ones.  It also means I have looked at various ways I might save and some of the ideas that have come up are rather surprising.  I am no longer going to buy plastic zippered bags.  Over the past few months washing them was not a priority and I simply used what I had on hand, but now that they are nearly done, I've decided that after all, I can use a jar, or a plain plastic bag with a twist tie or any number of other options.

 I never really thought about it but I like a nice notebook to write down sermon notes etc in while we are at church.  I am talking about those lovely hardcover nicely bound books that I can pick up at Ross or TJ Maxx etc.  Not hugely expensive but as I was sorting out a cabinet I came across a stack of them that dated back to 2005.  The idea that I am going to sit down and read through sketchy notes of thirteen years of sermons suddenly struck me as ridiculous.  That I was also throwing away an average of $5 for every one of those notebooks also struck me as ridiculous.  There are quite nice and inexpensive composition books to be had for far less and they could do as well for writing down notes of a Sunday.  For that matter, I might give up the idea I need a notebook at all and simply take loose pieces of paper and study them throughout the week then discard them and save the notebook or the composition book entirely!

It's been months since I went out to shop for the 'fun' of shopping.  All my trips out of the house for shopping purposes have been pretty much necessity based.  I did allow myself a proper 'fun' trip in March.  It was terrific.  I regretted it immediately come April however, when funds became so unbearably tight for us.  I've yet to put on one of those lovely blouse or look at the new coral pillows on the bed in our room without thinking, "That might have bought a few gallons of milk..."  Now mind you it wasn't a heavy regret but it was a passing though now and then as I worried over how we'd manage.   However, recalling that regret has also sobered me up quite a bit about 'fun' spending.  I find myself far more inclined to wait when I think I just want to shop.  I find I ask myself the questions I should ask before I make a purchase: can I manage with what I have; can I get it cheaper; can I do without?

Those are just a few examples of the sorts of thoughts I've had of late. Nothing new or earthshattering for anyone else to run off  and attempt but it's how I've thought.

I had a notice from Jamberry that my payment method had been rejected for my website billing again this month.  I'd thought it just a fluke last month, but no.  I have followed the website recommendations to reset it and I can only conclude that they no longer accept my previous payment method although I have seen nothing to this effect.  If the company still does accept it then it is odd that I am able to use it most everywhere  except at Jamberry.  Last night I was indecisive about whether I should switch payment methods. The idea of actually paying the monthly fee and feeling obligated to deliver a proper effort to the business filled me with dread.   I dithered and argued with myself and thought better of it and then changed my mind again.  Indecisiveness obviously ruled highhandedly and I generally thought it best to wait.  I left it as it was, prayed over it and then went off to bed.

Yesterday morning, I woke especially early and was quite wide awake.  I lay abed and reasoned out rationally  why I should or shouldn't continue with my business.  Between the family being here and a general lull in business this past spring, signing up for paid classes, listening to videos and podcasts on a daily basis, plus doing every single thing I was told I ought to do in order to be successful, I'd already been working very hard for no return since winter had passed.  I'll confess I was actually losing money in the Spring trying to stay afloat until the season 'turned' and buying postage and promotional items to send to prospects, etc. didn't help.   Then came the announcement  that the company was going to merge with another and ultimately it went bankrupt, was bought by the merging company and all the realigning, reworking, etc. that goes along with a change of ownership has been taking place and everything ground to a complete stop.   I find I am in a place where I must begin anew, playing it by ear as the business continues to transition,  or quit entirely.

I assessed honestly my lack of experience in direct sales, my willingness to work, the actual amount of time and labor and money I put into trying to build the business and I'm satisfied that I gave my best to it.  However, I was no match for all that spring and summer brought, try though I did.   Given our current financial state and my current mental state, I've decided to quit.  Recreating the business I'd been struggling hard to build up and lost entirely due to no lack of incentive or labor on my own part just requires more money and mental fortitude than I have to spare.  I'd rather go on from here as a customer, hoping the company survives and gets it's feet under it once more because I do love the nail products, but I just don't have it in me to be a consultant.

It is not my first time of struggling to create a business and having it go under and I doubt it will be my last.  I've learned a great deal over the times I've scrapped and pushed to become an entrepreneur and I will take my new bits of knowledge with me into the next venture when it presents itself, but now is not the time.  The sense of immediate relief told me that the decision made was the right one.  So right that I immediately fell back to sleep!

And so I am once again turning my focus hard upon my home and my writing, the two true loves of my vocational life.  One thing I have learned well over the past 40 years is that one can spare only so much room for so many things at once.   For me, it has always been  primarily about my home and family and my love of the written word.  It's been that way for as long as I can recall.

In sorting things out and straightening up areas I have been random and not at all consistent.   If I think of it and it seems doable I begin it.  If it is big, I begin it and then  I do it in increments.  I've had a mixed bag of work every single day. When so much is wanting to be done it really doesn't matter where you start nor where you end.  This week I have worked outdoors and I've worked indoors.  I've one more  flower bed to weed and I'm done with them.  I've cleaned half the back porch railings on the inside   of the porch.  I've sorted out and reorganized the pantry and cleared the dresser in the guest room and today I took the last items except the freshly sorted files from the file cabinet  I want to get rid of.  The dresser has me bumfuzzled.  My gut instinct says to let it go.  My frugal nature reminds self that it's perfectly good,  I can repurpose it elsewhere but I am very reluctant to do so because I don't like it and never have.  Another decision that must be made.  In the meantime, it sits empty in the guest room.

The kitchen cabinet where I've kept frying pans and appliances is now more accessible and better organized.   I have sorted out all but the space above the broom closet in the kitchen.  I've washed and dusted and mopped.  I've straightened and cleaned and lined and refilled drawers and cabinets and closets.   The house has been cleaned and cleaned and cleaned.  It's remarkable how being focused upon my home once more has created about it a new atmosphere.  In spending so much time in my home doing these tasks I believe, despite the continuing anxiety attacks, they are lessening in strength and duration and I am healing myself in the way God means for me to heal.

I sat back this afternoon as the coffee brewed and contemplated what is left to be done.  There are one or two spots but they are not horribly messy.  In fact, I am quickly getting to the point that the bulk of the hard work remains outdoors which is hot and unpleasant or rainy and warm depending upon what hour it is.  I told John if I can just hold off on tackling the shed until the weather is slightly cooler I would be quite happy to go sort it out.  I may work on that space even as I have the rest of the house...in little bits here and there.  Sort out that shelf then tackle another tomorrow.  It's worked incredibly well with our home!

Well now I have run on for a good hour and a half.  Time for me to contemplate my supper.  I saw a salad on a Facebook post earlier this afternoon that looked good.  I've got a bowlful of washed lettuce and all the other necessary ingredients to make the same for my supper.   After I eat, I plan to read one of my vintage magazines and perhaps I might look for a program to watch on television.  Our new TV, which replaces the one the one hit by a couple of weeks ago, is a smart tv and my viewing options have increased manifold.  I'm hoping to convince John to turn off the satellite tv entirely but I can see he's waiting for a football season so I don't think he will agree just yet.  Still, I am pushing the point that the cost of that item annually would pay for another fee entirely and I think he's swaying slightly towards my thinking at long last.  It's really just a matter of finding the right moment and the right argument to topple his opinion entirely my way, lol.

Talk to you again soon!

Terri