It's My Prerogative

Today on the way home from running errands and shopping, I was chatting away to John.  We passed the home of someone we know from church.  Since we have been to his home in the past, I made comment that he had a nice home.  It's average mind you on the outside and it's not fancy inside.  But it sits far back off the road in a shady garden and it looks cozy.  But, having been in the yard and home that one time, I knew that in the backyard, surrounded by a white picket fence was an in-ground swimming pool.  Also surrounded by trees and bushes and in a semi-shaded setting, it had a tropical feel.  It was quite private. 

"You know, John, if we had money to just spend, I'd love to have an in-ground pool.  I've always loved to swim..."  As I made this statement John sort of looked sideways at me with a 'Say what?!' look.  "Well, I have...I used to swim loads when I was younger, and I always loved it.  Even at Rehab we had water therapy for those of us who weren't weight bearing on broken or injured limbs.  And when I was a young mom, we all but lived at the pool most summers.  I've always wanted to have my own pool but an in-ground one."

It is true that whenever we had a chance to swim as kids, I was all in.  Mind you, my dad was keenly afraid of water and of us drowning and he avoided hotels with swimming pools.  He was all for wading in any roadside stream when we were on vacation but forget about pools.  It was Granny who took us to the pool each year and even paid for swimming lessons for us all.

And then as a young mom living in that solid, but so terribly shabby house that I loved so, in which I could not open a single window (they'd all been nailed shut and painted over and were so frail they'd lose a pane if you stepped hard on the floor near them), I took the kids to a county swimming pool that was fed by an artesian spring.  Lordy that was some cold water, but it was life on a 100F summer day.  The children and I were otters.  We'd stay in the water all day long six days a week and we barely survived on Mondays when the pool was closed.

I love swimming.

What I didn't love was that nearly every one piece, plus sized bathing suit on the market had a v-neck and being of the pear shape, if it fit the bottom of me, it was a bit loose on top.  More than once my personal flotation devices floated up and out of the vee of the suit, embarrassing me mightily.   It hindered my enjoyment.  

After John and I met, we only went on vacation once during our first ten years together.  I still recall his chuckle when he saw me in my suit.  I was embarrassed at the time, felt horribly exposed and certain he was making fun of me, though now I suspect now. While I did join the kids in the pool, I felt miserably self-conscious and only went that one time.  Vacations and therefore pools were a rare thing in my life with John until we started going to St. Augustine routinely.  After Katie got a little older, I gave up going to the pool.

Oh, I'd think about it very longingly, but I held back.  I'd had enough of being indecently exposed and loathed feeling I was the center of attention in the very wrong sort of way anytime I went to the pool.  I settled for walks on the beach and occasionally I'd break down and go into the ocean which I also love, but it's not the same as being in a pool.

Does John go in swimming?  No.  He too feels exposed and vulnerable but he's also a strawberry blonde with fair skin and the two don't mix well with sun and reflective water. So, he doesn't join in. 

So, there I was this afternoon with all of these thoughts rolling through my mind and I said to John, "Yes, I'd really like a pool of my own.   But I know that there are many things we still need to do to the house and that's the more important thing, keeping it up and getting it suited to our most senior years."  I thought then of the doors we need to replace, the windows, the railings on the front steps that are hacked in until we can afford to do better, the front porch that needs some work.  And then there is the likelihood that our heat pump (now 14 years old), refrigerator (20 years old), stove (27 years old) and cars (both over 20 years old) will all need to be replaced.  Those would be priorities always before a pool on our list of things to be purchased.

"I know I don't go to the pool at all when we go to the condo, but do you know why?"  I proceeded to tell him about the poor fitting suits I'd had in the past.  "But now they make these swimming sets that are like a t-shirt and bike shorts or capris.  I wouldn't be prone to being embarrassed in something like that.  But I have refused to buy a set because I kept telling myself that it was silly to buy a bathing suit to wear only one week out of the year."

I thought about that for a few minutes. "I'm going to buy a swimsuit.  I'm tired of denying myself something I really enjoy because it's limited to one week a year.  When we go on vacation, I'm going to the pool every day that is clear."   The condo site has a heated pool, by the way.

It's also occurred to me to look around at some of the gyms in our shopping area to see if any of them have pools.  I definitely wouldn't go daily but I certainly could go weekly perhaps if it's a reasonable fee.

And that's just me exercising my prerogative one more time this week!

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