April 1: The past few mornings, I've gone out fairly early and sat on the back porch with my coffee. It's so calm and quiet, so tender green and fresh, a little chilly so I wear a jacket. This morning, I marveled how the droplets of dew had fallen into the serrated edge of the leaves of the rosebush.
Amie and Ben, Lily, Ross, Rose were packing up this morning. Amie was up early, earlier than any of the rest, anxious to get the journey homeward underway. The rest of the family slept in a little. It's been a busy week. They never had a chance to catch up on themselves after that long journey. They had a long journey ahead of them to face again. I didn't blame them for lingering in bed and resting. But I understood Amie's desire to get going and start the journey homeward.
Bess came over to have coffee with me before she left for work. She's been doing that most weekday mornings. This morning, Amie, Bess and I sat on the porch with our coffee and chatted until Bess had to leave for work.
Taylor spent the night here last night. She and Rosa became fast friends. There's 11 months between their ages. And they have a strong family resemblance. They took one look at each other, and they were attached at the hip from that point. So, Taylor spent the night, just so she could be with Rosa a little longer. I've no idea how the two of them crammed themselves into that small inflatable mattress but there they were both sound asleep when I peeked in this morning.
After the car was loaded and they were on their way, Taylor and I came in the house. She fried eggs for our breakfast while I made toast. I was impressed at how well she cooked our eggs...She is the first grandchild to cook for me. After breakfast she helped me strip beds and deflate mattresses and start laundry. She went around opening window shades and letting in the sunlight. I see the makings of a little homemaker in this about to be 11-year-old girl. We were sitting here companionably resting from our labors when Katie came in to pick her up.
Yesterday evening, we gathered as a family. Sam couldn't be here since he was taking state board exams. Our friend who is a pastor came, too. We had a little family ceremony while Amie was here. The children wanted to scatter some of John's ashes about the Faith tree and it seemed a fitting thing to do. It was emotional but even the littlest ones insisted on having their opportunity to sprinkle ash about the tree and speak of Grampa. So much got said, I can barely remember it all but I recall Josh's words about how Grampa always encouraged him to go for his dreams and be his best. And Caleb's words, "I love you, Grampa. You'll always be in all of our hearts. We'll always carry a piece of you."
Well, it's been an emotional week, felt like an extra-long week, yet today is only Wednesday...
After Taylor and Katie left today, JD called to say he was going to head home from Katie's house. I thought it a good idea. Why drive an extra 80 miles round trip to come here and then make his way back to the interstate? I puttered around the house, doing housework but also sat for a bit when I got tired and pondered this new feeling: loneliness. Not for my family. For John. Only he could help fill this empty space in my life. And I grappled with that feeling that he can't help me. I go on. He waits for me.
I took a nap after lunch. A rumble of thunder woke me from my nap. I decided to go to Sam's a little early and I took time to briefly clean up a bit before the kids came home on the bus. I made myself a cup of coffee, full strength, fully caffeinated. We managed to make our way through homework. The thunder turned into rain while I was there. We had three hours of showers yesterday afternoon, too. I'm afraid Sam's going to have to cut grass again sooner rather than later.
I brought home a piece of fresh pizza for my supper from their house. I came in and made a salad. I ate my supper and admired the rain that poured for at least an hour.
If I stopped and made out a list of the many things I know need doing, I might either give up or get so busy that I never stop at all, working myself to the bone every single day. I want as much routine as I can keep but do not want to forgo creating new routines that are suited to my life as a person living solo now. Obviously, I'll need to prioritize and make sure I'm getting the most important things done. Right now, I feel a bit scattered, a bit unsure of where I am. There's much up in the air that I'd like to have done already but can't. Things move at their own pace, not at my hurry up and get it done pace. I want to have as much balance in my life as I can.
I'm trying to do things in moderation. Not because I feel unwell, but because I don't want to stress myself at this time. I don't want to work to mask whatever it is I'm feeling. I want to understand my feelings, my moods, acknowledge what I'm feeling, give myself time to grieve.
April 2: Last night after I wrote, I felt myself becoming more and more anxious. And what was my greatest source of anxiety? Money, honey.
It began with a sudden remembrance of something someone said to me in church about what I might expect from my social security benefits...and their take on it was not good. I got very fearful. So much for my declaration earlier in the year that it would be the Year of Enough! All I saw last night was a bleak and insecure future in which I worked harder than ever I had before and passed by all the pleasures I'd thought we had left to enjoy. And that made me mad! Not at John. At life. At the idea that, after all, I'd end my days scratching along.
Well...I don't buy that. I don't expect riches and ease, but I seriously doubt I'll end up being in debtor's prison, the poor house, or sitting on a corner anywhere. I had to remember what John always reminded me of: our source is God and none else. Today, I can see the bright side but last night...No.
I finally realized that likely I was beyond tired and I was an easy prey for any rogue fears that might be passing by. So, I took myself off to bed and sure enough I went right to sleep!
This morning, I thought I'd go do some errands, one of which was to run by the funeral home and pick up the most beautiful Fiddle Leaf Fig tree dear friends had sent. I thought to ask if the death certificates were ready while I was there and they'd just come in that morning. It happens the Social Security office is about 2 blocks away from the funeral home and I went straight there.
I was able to speak to someone within a few minutes of arrival and he was very helpful. This initial visit was to set an appointment to file for benefits, but it was very reassuring and the gentleman who waited on me helped me further by telling me how to go to the VA office. Obviously in a military town that is a common enough thing to need so they are well rehearsed in giving those directions.
I stopped to grab lunch on the way. Here, I'll share that I was absolutely disgusted by one thing. I'm trying to pay cash as much as possible just now, so I have a good reserve in my bank for the monthly bills. I don't consider fast food a necessity where spending is concerned. It was only a necessity because I was very hungry and starting to get a little shaky. I paid for my lunch and got change back. It stank! It smelled so heavily of dope that I could hardly stand it in my purse or my car!
I went to do what I could at VA which was basically nothing but to set up another appointment and get a number I needed to call in order to begin the process of stopping John' disability. Then to the bank where I asked the question: What can I do to get the smell of dope out of the cash I was given earlier? The answer: they had found nothing to work except to just let it fade. My solution: spend it as quick as I could! Ugh!
I have to say this. Social Security was very reassuring. The man with whom I spoke told me they do all they can to ensure that recipients get the most benefits they can. And the woman I spoke with at Veteran Services (NOT the VA as I said earlier) insisted I make an appointment (for next week!) to speak to a representative who will help me file paperwork to get whatever benefits I might be due. John didn't like to share but he'd been a disabled vet for years and years and years. I don't know if I'll qualify for a thing but it's awfully nice to have advocates willing to help see if something extra can be done.
Honestly, after last night's little fear-fest it was exactly the sort of encounters I needed!
I did three more errands then treated myself to an iced coffee and headed home. I wasn't done yet though. After I got home, I made more phone calls related to sorting out business matters. At 7pm, I called that enough for today and heated my supper. Thank goodness I'd grabbed something ready to heat and eat on the way home.
I made a foray into the grocery store, today...I completely forgot the half and half I went in for, of course. But it was interesting to buy produce. One huge orange (two servings for me), 2 smaller bananas, 1 sweet potato (I've eaten from it twice now and have over half left), 1 head of leafy lettuce because I do not need the bag of three heads I've always purchased in the past. This shopping for a single mouth is definitely different. I also got a loaf of bakery bread because I have to do more errands and calls tomorrow related to business stuff and I don't know if I'll be able to make bread or even want to when I return home.
Tomorrow, if I can, I want to finish my housework. I hope to do floors throughout the whole house. I need to sort out my fridge. I know there is food in there that has gone beyond my idea of what is safe to use. I also want to plan meals for Friday and the weekend ahead (and might as well include Monday and get it all prepped before I go out to do my appointment that day). Then I won't be as tempted to spend money on food I don't need. I truly do have plenty right here at home. It's just a matter of planning ahead. Planning ahead is saving ahead.
It rained this afternoon. The sun shone and shone but it rained for over two hours with full sun! I've known it to do so briefly but never before have I seen it rain as it did yesterday in full sun for so long.
And then I'm going to take the weekend off.
April 4: I had another appointment for this afternoon and needed documents from the bank's safety deposit box for next week's Veterans Services appointment. While I was there, I went ahead and opened a new checking account in my name. John and I don't typically keep loads of cash in the house, but I'd been saving about half my allowance each month, we'd been putting aside cash for vacation from our allowances, and then there was the money John had in his wallet. Well, I was shocked when I counted it all up and with so many people coming in and out of the house, I felt it would be safer to put it in the bank. So, I started my own checking account which gives me another resource to draw on if need be.
Then I went off to my appointment in another town and took care of more business. We've always met this gentleman at a Subway, usually on the patio, but I've found in these last few years that I can't always hear him speak if the traffic is heavy and it's often heavy since two major highways intersect right at the restaurant. We met up inside. I bought a salad to bring home for a late lunch when the meeting was over. The least I can do is make a purchase if I'm availing myself of their space to conduct my business. And the salad was good, but if you're saving calories by having the salad, you'd be better off getting the sandwich with extra lettuce and then discarding the bread! Far cheaper than the salad option.
All of that was settled up to my satisfaction. But yes, doing more of the heavy-duty adulting stuff on my own is something I am having to become accustomed to doing. I have been very blessed with people who are more than willing to give me their input (not buttinski type of advice, professional advice) and who back me up in what I think I should do or offer quality opinions if they think I ought to do something differently. So far, my own instincts have been fairly good ones.
I came home and ate my salad, had half a piece of cake (my reward for today's decisions and appointments and extra adulting moments). I got the housework started. I didn't finish all the floors, but I got more than half the house done. I made a sheet pan supper with chicken thighs, a wrinkly apple, half a dozen Brussels Sprouts, onion and diced sweet potato. That turned out nice, but I have half of it all left. I'd put up all my meat in packages for two, so everything I make just now is going to produce enough for one meal and another besides. Cooking for one is going to be my future goal when I've used up this great lot of stuff in the freezer.
Josh came over to play his electric guitar which he took home with a stand. He needs an amplifier, but I don't know which one would be best suited to his needs. Josh advised me when we were talking about it to choose one that wasn't really expensive, which is sound and smart thinking from an 11-year-old.
I puttered along doing all kinds of housework. I contemplated starting clear to John's stuff from beside the dining table, but not yet...I'm not quite ready for that yet, though I have picked up a few books and placed them on the bookshelves.
The charger for my computer has stopped working. I fought with it last night trying to get it to charge. I decided to try John's charger from his computer (same brand) and it works just fine. I do recall we were planning to order a new charger for me ages ago but for some reason I pushed it off. Looks like I ought to order one now. But then again, why? I have his and can charge both computers with it and then run on battery if I choose. I'm keeping John's computer as a backup because mine is cracking from one of the ports into the keyboard. I think it's been the victim of being dropped one time too many.
I made a Quiche today. I had some diced ham in the freezer I'd put up when I baked a portion of ham earlier this year. I had a pie shell I'd made, at least the pastry to make a shell. I found the freezer had dried the dough a bit, but adding a bit of water and mixing quickly in the mixer made a lovely dough of it all over again.
For the Quiche, I used this recipe that I watched Nicole make on a video the other day. I had a much smaller pie pan so I reduced the recipe by one egg and about 1/3 of the milk called for. And I didn't bother to look up the recipe today, pulling from memory, so I baked it at 375F, instead of 400F as recommended, nor did I blind bake my crust... But it turned out quite nice though it took a little longer to bake. I had onions, ham and Swiss cheese in my Quiche. It tasted lovely.
There's 2/3 of the small pie left to have for two other meals in the week ahead. Now I'm ahead by three meals...I have a package of meat thawing that I hope I shall be able to break into two servings while it's still frozen and then I'll pop the other half into the freezer for a future meal. I don't want to generate more leftovers. I was able to break them apart while still solidly frozen and put not one but two future serving portions back in the freezer.
Ben and Amie had bought a half gallon of milk when they went out. No one wanted cereal nor did they open the milk to drink. I poured half into a wide mouth quart jar and then froze the half jug and the quart jar for future use.
Tomorrow I will not be going to church. I don't like the big holiday crushes at church, but I will watch online. I don't think any of the family has planned a single thing for the holiday. Millie did ask if I'd do an egg hunt, but Bess quickly intervened and said, "Not this year." I don't think any of us adults are up to it to be honest.
I have some soured milk in the fridge that I plan use to make biscuits with tomorrow. I'm going to freeze them, unbaked, then I can bake one or two as I want them. I'm trying to use what I have, not buy too much more. I'll need half and half by the end of the day tomorrow, but I've got whole milk I can use in my coffee. Monday I'll be out for an appointment, so I'll try to remember while I'm running errands afterward to pick up half and half then.
One day next week I plan to take the kids to the library and then over to the Strawberry Patch to have fresh strawberry ice cream. And on Friday, a friend is coming to spend some time with me.
In between there are plenty of chores, yard work, and such to do, as always. Life goes on and on.
April 5: Took that soured milk this morning and made strawberry pancakes for my breakfast, putting some in the freezer and then I made a batch of biscuits for the freezer as well. And though it hardly seemed an Easter or spring-like meal, I made a stew in the slow cooker, because today has been rainy and a little cooler and I wanted something comforting. For me, it's almost always soup or stew when I want to be comforted. The leftovers will make an easy to heat meal this next week, probably for one of my lunches.
I have done very little today, beyond cooking. I've played with a jigsaw puzzle nearly all day long and after listening to the church service which airs live on YouTube, I have watched various programs that John and I used to watch together. I've enjoyed them just as much as ever. It's all been mindless sorts of things to do and what I needed.
I had my own stormy night last night and my spirit felt a bit sore this morning. Mind you, I needed that storm to come on, as it's left me with a much clearer head and righted my world as nearly as it can be righted.
Now I am off to have a bowl of stew and then I'm going to watch Bridgeton. Katie's Netflix allows her to share with a family member and I'm feeling quite blessed by her offer to include me so I can watch Bridgerton among other favorite programs.
April 7: Yesterday's appointment with Veterans Services was encouraging. We shall see how it actually comes out. I had to run another two errands and decided to go into a Thrift shop to look for something new for myself to wear. I was so underwhelmed by the choices. I may rethink my 'Nothing New' vow for 2026 if the next shop I visit proves equally as disappointing. I did purchase a new pair of black athletic shoes with white racing stripes that seem nice enough for a very inexpensive pair of shoes. Those were new but I bought them there in the thrift store.
I rode by Lowe's and looked longingly at all the herbs, vegetables, flowers. I think that this year I'm going to invest in perennials for my flowerpots. For one thing, they will come back year after year. For another they generally are drought tolerant and bloom for many months. I'll also see about moving some of my own perennials into flower beds. I put some coreopsis in the bed next to my shed last year and this spring it's thriving.
I went by Katie's when errands were done, planning to stay long enough to see Caleb after school. He had a teacher workday, so Katie had taken an extra PTO day to tend to him. Cody had to do some training, Taylor was there for her Spring break, and I was busy with my appointment, so I wasn't available to help out.
Katie served me lunch and told me how kind people have been to her. The children attended two egg hunts on Saturday which was lovely because it rained on Sunday. I had a nice visit with them, though Henry came in from nursery and utterly ignored me. I mean seriously refused to acknowledge me in any way until I told him bye. Stinker.
Caleb was missing his Grampa, so Katie put on a video of John playing at the Oasis evening a couple of years ago. One of our Outreach Group had sent her the link to it. Cody had come in from work earlier than expected and was caulking the beam in the ceiling. As the music played we all began to sniffle, including Cody who was standing at the top of the ladder. It was a sweet moment and good to see my love singing and playing. I think I miss his music almost nearly as much as I miss him.
Katie sent me home with a bag of produce. That should keep me for two or three weeks.
I went by Kroger and picked up too much. A fern for the back porch, free eggs, five pounds of butter on sale for $1.99 (all in the freezer), two pieces of meat that were reduced in price both of which will serve me multiples of meals, some fancy herbed olives that I've become seriously fond of over the winter, more than usual half and half since I have so many extra coffee drinkers visiting (not fussing over that!) and some frozen seasoned chicken wings which I absolutely did not need but they are a favorite convenience meal and far, far less expensive than picking up any as takeout. I spent nearly $100. I did come out with more than a bagful of stuff, and I saved enough on sales to cover the cost of the fern. Good enough. But I don't expect I'll be making a weekly stop at the grocery store!
The store was low on flowers which I'd really wanted. They had tons of Easter lilies in full bloom. I was much amused that the scent of Lilies and the scent of fried chicken had mixed there at the front of the store which reminded me of many and many a home visitation I'd gone to in my younger years when everyone went to someone's home following a death to share a meal. I doubt seriously that the management realized that might be a trigger for a full-blooded Southerner. This store is in a base town and it's rare to come across someone like me who was born and raised right in the middle Georgia area.
Today I've puttered around my home. I washed bathroom rugs and did a second load of bedlinens and clothing. I finally got the guest room cleared of all the extra stuff I'd been shoving in there, because I took time to clean up the closet. I moved my old metal dining chairs from John's music room back to the dining table so it now can easily seat six at any time.
I took the desk chair John had used at the head of the table to the music room. Then I gathered up all his stray sheet music (songs he'd written) and his music notebooks and put them on one of the bookshelves in the room. He was a terrible one for taking a sheet of music and dropping it to the floor when he was done playing it or arranging it or whatever caused him to choose those particular pieces of music.
He also had a plethora of notebooks scattered about. In one, I found the cutest little song he'd penned which included the words, "love my wife and go on a date" which made me smile. It was a very catchy set of lyrics. I've no idea what tune he put it to, but I liked the words.
I moved his computer from the dining space to my desk in our room where it's more convenient to use. I cleared off most of the stuff on his side of the bathroom counter and looked through the top two drawer of his chest of drawers just to sort of get an idea of what he had in them. Turns out he had a collection of stuff in them, only two items I deemed important enough to move into a safer place. Most of what he has were little gifts given him that he tucked away for safe keeping. And that much was all the heart I had for sorting through his things.
I swept floors, cleaned the bathroom, made my bed up fresh and decided against putting the Spring/Summer bedding on just now since we've a few cooler nights to go. I hung some of the laundry to dry outdoors and cleaned up the front porch...I stayed busy most all of the day. I took breaks at the dining table, fitting jigsaw pieces together here and there.
Sam came by twice to borrow things, including that orange I bought last week, lol. He's making carnitas and didn't have any citrus for his recipe. I heated leftovers for lunch and ate them at the dining table right out of the pan. I reminded myself that this is not a habit to cultivate but gave myself a pass today because it was nearly 2pm when I finally stopped to eat.
I took the flowers Katie's boss sent last week and made them into two bouquets in the later part of last week. Today, I culled them further and got one small and one larger bouquet. They were the most beautiful things, and I failed to take a photo of any of them, but these are the two 'leftovers' bouquets I made today.
April 8: I worked outdoors today. I'd say I accomplished nothing much, but that's not true. It just takes more from me than housework does. I cleaned out about the Faith tree, getting up all the loose sticks and pulling weeds and controlling the swamp iris and the soapwort that more than thrive in that space. I hauled the debris out to the edge of the woods to dump. Then I emptied a pot I got at Mama's years ago that was full of iris. The soil had gradually reduced to nothing much and the iris were so compacted together, and a tree had managed to grow in the middle of them. I dug out 25 iris rhizomes from that pot today. I planted five.
I also divided a grouping of tea roses I'd put in a planter together when they were mere stems. They'd gotten very full as they grew and were nearly bound together. I got three of the four rose bushes separated and planted them in other pots. This is part of my 'Plant Perennials' plan.
It was quite cool and very breezy out today and I never once perspired a bit.
After that I came indoors and put together some more of my puzzle while a caller chatted away non-stop. My fault. I answered the phone knowing full well who it was and that they would talk pretty much non-stop. I made my lunch and got ready to have Isaac and Millie over while Josh went for an eye exam.
I'd planned to open a box of popsicles Amie had left here for the kids this afternoon, but they were far more on target when they asked if they might have cups of hot cocoa. We all had a cup of cocoa. Then we went outdoors to sit on the front porch (or climb trees...I'll leave you to guess which of us did which activity, lol). We ended up moving chairs to sit in the sun.
Then the children wanted a popsicle and since these were real fruit popsicles, I had one as well. Sheesh....I had to put on my jacket and Isaac, who was wearing a thin t-shirt, went in search of one of Grampa's hoodies. The sun shifted off the porch, and I admitted I was freezing and came indoors again, as did Millie. I had coffee. Isaac decided to eat the tomatoes. He loves them no end and who in their right mind will argue with a child freely eating vegetable/fruit?
After that we sat companionably about with computer, tablet, or paint and paper until Sam returned to pick them up.
I'm awfully glad I did not remove my winter quilt from the bed this week as I almost started to do. I suspect I shall happily use the blanket as well a that heavy quilt tonight.
April 10: I did indeed use my blanket as well as the winter quilt Wednesday night, but it was slightly warmer yesterday. Just enough so that I felt inclined to leave my sweater at home, but I went out wearing a cotton tank top, a cotton t-shirt and a kimono, so by no means was I giving in to being cold.
I didn't start my morning going out though. I started by heading into the workroom and I cleaned it up nicely Thursday morning, then I cleaned out the toy box. I organized everything once more, removed odd pieces, and broken things and put it all back into the toy box. I was shocked how long all that took to do.
After lunch I picked up the children and took them to the library. The children did not want books. Instead, they played a game on the computer, took part in a scavenger hunt and astonished the librarian by choosing as their prizes three plain rubber balloons, the sort that come in a bag of a dozen or so which you blow up yourself. I believe Todd, the librarian, felt they'd chosen a rather shoddy prize, as he offered them all bracelets, too, but then the children proceeded to blow up the balloons and then release them and let them pfffttt through the air. Todd was amazed at how much fun they had. I was rather proud of them for making so much fun from something so simple.
We went to the Strawberry Patch and had fresh strawberry ice cream. It was slightly warmer than Wednesday, but a steady breeze made me happy I'd dressed in layers. We sat on the porch of the building in rockers. I took the kids from the Strawberry Patch to the new park to play. The mowers came before we'd been there long and ran them off the equipment.
Sam grilled supper on my grill tonight. I ate with the family at their house. Then I had a guided tour of Sam's pretty little garden which is even prettier than last year's. He's now added a greenhouse and improved it by mulching heavily and installing many raised beds.
Today started out in a teary fashion. But I had coffee with Bess, a call from Pastor Brandon who invited me to dinner with the Homeless Outreach team tomorrow night and then a visit from an old friend. One I'd neglected and didn't see for quite a number of years all because John and I had always been so selfish with his time off and our obligations to anyone else were pushed off...Then of course, life took a turn for each of us ladies. But life has changed again. She works part time and has moved her widowed mother in with them. She wants to reclaim a bit of time as her own, so I am a convenient excuse, and I desperately need a friend to take me out of myself.
She reached out when she'd heard that John was in the hospital and was one of the first people I texted when he passed away. I asked her a couple of days later if she had time for a visit. We settled on today. It was a lovely long day with her and I enjoyed it greatly, though there were tears mixed with our laughter. It was exactly what I needed and I'm so happy to be reconnected with this friend. She made a date to get together again soon before she left. I so appreciated that, too. I find I am very hesitant to ask anyone to make time for me, as a rule, as I always feel I am intruding.
April 11: Yesterday I found a big box in my mailbox from hopegathering.org Carolyn had signed me up to receive the box which was full to the brim with lovely books, handmade soap, trinkets and pen and journal and waterproof mascara, all meant to ease the path of grief. I was stunned by how nice it all is and lovely
I have not turned my calendar to reflect today's date. I'm trying to be very conscientious about keeping up with the day/date. I found the first couple of weeks that I 'lost' days. I don't want to lose track of
I've been steadily busy since I rose this morning, but I feel I've done much of nothing. My hip ached horribly last night. I've no clue why but I ended up taking all sorts of over-the-counter pain remedies trying to get it to reduce its aching long enough to allow me to sleep. I finally dragged out the heating pad and lay on that. It was a very restless night. And here I am meant to be going out this evening!
I got up around 8:30 and had no sooner pulled on my clothes than I heard Sam's tractor in the yard. He'd gone around cutting tree branches that hung too low yesterday afternoon and today was pushing brush back into the woods either side of the yard which had always been our habit since the trees grew up and started taking over. Sam came in and made coffee to have with me, and we ate breakfast together and talked. It was a really nice talk. Sam spoke of John for the first time since his death. It's taken him a little longer to process that last day than it took me, but then he was also dealing with his three children and Bess's grief over the loss, not just his own. It was a good talk. Then we moved on to things we want to do here.
John had purchased three sheds for storage and one he's pretty much left empty mostly because he found snakeskins in it, lol. Mind you it was only skins and not snakes but John couldn't go beyond opening the door. He'd send me into the shed to retrieve whatever he needed, standing in the doorway telling me to look out. So, there's a whole shed that we could be using for other things including that mattress that Sam has stored for Bess in my shed...
Sam said John had left a lot of empty oil bottles and empty boxes in the other shed and we agreed to have a clean-up day wherein we put all the tools into the one shed, pick up trash, gather old mower blades that had been kept for heaven knows what reason, move the mattress and other bulky items into the 'Snake Shed' (where I'll add glue traps to catch mice and hopefully reduce the snake population when the food source is eliminated), and clean up under the carport as well. We'll also empty all the tools from the trunks of the cars where John had started storing his most frequently used items...
My lovely husband had a very creative mind, and I've found that also meant creative storage and organization solutions and sometimes messiness, though he confined messes to the music room or his tool shed or car trunks.
With the mattress gone I could sort out my shed, get donations gathered up that need to leave, then move things out of the house that I couldn't get in my shed with the mattress in the way. It sounds funny to look forward to that sort of future organization, but I do.
I try not to work on a Saturday, but in looking for the mower manual for Sam, I discovered that John had five years' worth of calendars on the cabinet at his end of the dining table...I sorted through and pulled sheet music and lyrics, read notes on calendar pages to be sure I wasn't tossing anything important or sensitive, moved books to the bookshelf and generally tidied that whole cabinet top. It took me roughly a half hour or so. By then I was hungry, since our breakfast had been warmed croissants.
A few months ago, I'd snatched up two packages of what I'd thought were organic ground beef at Kroger that had been marked down. Well, it was ground Lamb. I'd decided this week I'd use one of the packets to make the Donner Kebab meat that is so popular online just now. I rolled mine in low carb tortillas when it was cooked and I'll say it's pretty good. It didn't taste too musty the way Lamb sometimes can smell/taste and it was complimented by the lemony dill yogurt sauce I made to go on top. I have enough for another two kebabs that I've set aside for lunch one day next week. Nope I put them in the freezer.
Now I am going to go play with my jigsaw puzzle a bit and figure out what I'm wearing to go to dinner with the Outreach Team from church. The issue isn't fancy dress, but what color blouse is least likely to show the salsa I'll inevitably dribble down my shirt front...
April 15: Dinner the other evening was quite nice. I had little to say to most of the people there because I don't know them very well...John was part of their team. I tended to just be 'along' with him, not just for worship but for meetings. I called myself the "Official Observer" and often backed up issues a leader might mention by telling what I'd seen of the situations they mentioned were problematic.
What I didn't expect was that the dinner part of the purpose was to honor John and his service to the Outreach Ministry. One of the team leaders engraved a beautiful slate piece in his honor.
I was blown away by how lovely this piece is.
One of the ladies asked me how long a drive it was to come from the house to the restaurant. I told her. She told me when I was leaving to be sure and text her once I got home. I smiled but did just that so she knew I was safe. She laughingly told me she'd just picked up her phone to text me because she'd set a timer to go off when I said about how long it took to make the drive!
I got home just at dark, with a gorgeous sunset lighting my way home westward. But I was reminded yet again that I really need a light under my carport. It's not pitch black under that shelter, but it is dimly lit and I can't quite see where the low places are when I'm stepping out of the car. I've asked Sam to look into getting a light hooked up for me. I have an outlet under the carport, so electric is not an issue, but I believe he said he was looking into something solar. Not sure. Not sure he's even thought to order it yet, but we'll see. Fortunately, I do NOT expect to be out past dark as we go into summer.
The next morning, I was getting ready for church when Katie texted that she and Taylor planned to come to church with me. That was a promise she'd made to her dad, to come to church with me at least once and she wanted to make good on it. It was a joy to have her and Taylor with me that morning. Several people I hadn't seen on my first Sunday in church were there and came up to speak.
Katie and Taylor drove over to the grocery, planning to get something for lunch. I headed to her house and Caleb was the first to greet me. "When can I go to church and celebrate God?" lol. The issue just at the moment isn't a reluctance to take him but a fear that he won't behave well in nursery. And sitting through the whole church service in such a crowded room with so much noise can trigger anxiety in him. But one day...Yes indeed, one day.
Katie made a fast meal for us to eat. Then I rode with her and Taylor to take Taylor back to meet her dad in Monticello. Oh, the traffic! I-75 North was literally bumper to bumper from Macon all the way to Forsyth and quite likely beyond. It reminded me very much of getting into the outer bands of Atlanta, not at all the sort of stuff we run into in Middle Georgia. My guess is that Spring break was over and everyone left Florida to return home on Sunday.
I was glad to see Taylor's daddy. I do love that man dearly and he's done such a phenomenal job co-parenting with Katie over the years. On the way home, Katie and I both were quiet. I was tired. I suspect she was, too, because she'd had a busy weekend. And the ride to Monticello and back is about three hours or so.
I headed home as soon as we returned. I did have to let Caleb open my car door for me. That is a must whenever I am leaving. I stopped for gas and came home. I was well and truly tired, having slept badly most of the latter part of the week and weekend. But no, no sleep for me that night either, at least not much sleep.
Monday, I was up early. I'm trying to wake up around 7am just now. Bess joined me for coffee and after she left, I puttered around indoors, trying to give the house a proper house blessing, the first it's had in a month. I also did laundry and hung it outdoors on the line to dry. I took out meats to thaw for the first part of this week: chicken legs, chicken enchiladas, beef smoked sausage. I planned to make fried chicken legs in the air fryer, a Brussels Sprout Sausage Skillet with Pierogi, and I planned to make a Southwestern Sweet Potato, Black Bean and Roasted corn side dish to go with the enchiladas.
It took me most of the day to do all of the house Blessing I wanted to do. That included vacuuming the whole house, including John's music room. I didn't do the best job in there. I did a good enough job, because to do a great job I'd have had to move a whole lot of stuff I wasn't prepared to move, heavy amps, bookcases, piano, etc. Another day I might well do it proper, but I did enough to make me feel it was cleaner.
Honestly the day sort of disappeared on me a lot quicker than I'd thought. I had to go to Sam's to meet Millie and Isaac and help with their homework. I only do this on Monday and Wednesday because Josh has an extracurricular activity on those two afternoons.
On the way out of the drive, I picked up my mail, and I had two notices from Social Security and another from the VA. One told me how much money I owe to Social Security for the payment they made in March. The other how much money I can expect to receive each month. I confess I was a bit confused, not by the amount but because I hadn't realized that I was already applied and approved for social security benefits as surviving spouse. Apparently, the phone call interview in May is related to the one-time death benefit payment. It appears that while I'll receive less from Social Security than John and I received together that I will have enough to manage with my reduced expenses overall (less allowance, less groceries, etc.) with only a few minor adjustments made to whatever overage of expenses I find I have after that.
The letter from the VA was an unexpected notice of their intent to pay me a one-time death benefit as well. It's nice to know that about half the money we spent on the cremation will be returned to me and very helpful.
So, peace giving sort of mail. It lightened my worries about how I shall manage life on my own. It's looking doable which is all that I wanted.
Homework with the kids seemed to take a very long time. I came home and air fried my chicken legs...but I was rather full after my lunch of leftovers heated in a can of tomato soup, so I baked about half a sweet potato to go with the chicken and called that good enough. Good enough seems to have been the theme of this day!
I was up far too late Monday night. Truly too late and then I slept poorly. Ugh.
Tuesday, I had a few break downs over the day. Bess came for coffee. After she left for work, I had little housework to occupy me, didn't feel up to sorting out any of John's stuff nor any or mine either. I went outdoors and spent time reconfiguring a problematic flower bed that made mowing difficult. It should be more mower friendly now. That's a job I'd put off doing for more than a year. Ridiculous to take so long to do a job but like anyone else, I can procrastinate on things I ought to do that are an immediate need.
I did that, came indoors to rest because those darn blocks were heavy as heck. I tried to write and couldn't. Then I tried to think of anything I wanted to do and couldn't. I cleaned out the fridge, had something or other for lunch. I have no recall at all what I made. I was very unsettled all this day long. About 3pm I felt incredibly tired and after dozing off in my chair and jerking awake twice, I took myself off to bed, crawled under the blanket and slept for an hour and a half. I was shocked! I figured I'd take perhaps a ten- or fifteen-minute nap at most.
I made my Brussel Sprouts and Sausage Skillet which was Caleb's idea he'd mentioned on Sunday while eating his dinner. I happened to have Brussel sprouts I needed to use up and Pierogi in a bag in the freezer that were not being used so I took his idea and called it my supper inspiration.
I listened to a sermon after supper and put together more of my puzzle, which is getting very close to being finished. And then I went to bed at 11pm and slept all night long. John always told me when I'd been sleeping badly that I needed a nap to 'reset' my sleep pattern. It always sounded counter-intuitive to me to sleep in order to get a good night's sleep but over these last few years I've proven his theory as a true one. Yesterday and last night was just one more bit of showing that as a fact.
This morning, I sat on the porch for about twenty minutes listening to the birds. It's been quite cool outdoors and in and I was so tempted to turn up the heat so the heater would come on, but I listened to the commonsense side and went and got a jacket. I'm telling you though, every single April that comes along, I am so ready to be done with chilly mornings. I remind myself that come October I will be looking hard for a cool morning.
Indoors, I had coffee and worked on the jigsaw puzzle. Then after breakfast I picked up the house, made the bed and housework was done. I wanted to do a bit of a kitchen morning. My plans: make bagels and egg rolls. I started by making a salad to go with a slice of frozen pizza for my lunch, then I chopped vegetables for the eggrolls and started that cooking. I had about an hour until bagel dough was ready in the machine, so I went to journal and think on paper. Back to the kitchen to drain egg roll filling and form bagels.
I left bagels to rise and cleaned out another drawer in John's chest of drawers. An easy one today, since it was mostly coffee cups and underwear and socks. No clue why coffee cups went in the drawer with the underwear and socks. As I said, John's creative mind and organization made sense to him.
I headed back to the kitchen and boiled the bagels. I put them into the oven along with my pizza slice and made my salad. After lunch, I put on my YouTube channel on the television, and I've puttered around the house or written. I made my eggrolls. Total kitchen output today: 8 bagels and 20 vegetable egg rolls. And three meals.
Sam came home early today, so I don't need to go take care of the kiddos at the other house. I'm going to go prep my roasted vegetables to go into the oven with the chicken enchiladas later.
And here I'm going to end for the first half of April.