Thursday, April 16: I was on my way out of the door this morning when I pulled the door shut and caught my shirt in the latch of the locked door. I couldn't pull it loose. It was held too tightly about my arms to allow me to shimmy out of it. I couldn't turn to use my key to unlock the door. I stood there for a moment rather put out but then called Bess back to help. She'd just started towards her car. Thank goodness she was still here!
On my way down the highway, I was suddenly very unsure of exactly where I needed to turn when I got to the city where the lawyer's office is located...I pulled off the road into an empty lot and managed after numerous struggles to enter the address so I could follow the route accurately. I realized then that I had a 52-minute journey ahead and only a half hour to arrive...
I truly considered cancelling and resetting the appointment, but I didn't. Instead, I called and explained I was running a bit late and asked for grace in getting there. They agreed readily. Thank goodness. Then I drove as fast as I dared and arrived only 10 minutes later than my appointment. Whew!
I decided after the appointment that I'd go to Lake Blackshear for lunch. It's not far from the town I was in already and wouldn't prolong my journey homeward later. I picked up some food at the store just across the road from Veteran's State Park and once in the park itself, I found myself a picnic table overlooking the lake.
Birds sang. Leaves rustled in the breeze. A train came up the tracks on the other side of the lake with a gentle whistling in the distance. No one was blaring music, or racing boats. I sat there and just reveled in the calm and peace of it all. I watched people fishing, content in their own quiet moments. It was pretty awesome.
I remembered mine and John's last picnic there when we watched eagles fishing in the waters. No eagles were seen today but it was everything a picnic day ought to be. Sunny, just warm enough, just enough breeze, blue skies overhead. And I did it alone, on my own, and it felt all right. Not lonesome as I'd feared, just peaceful and calm and right.
As a reward to myself for doing something else difficult, I purchased an annual park pass. Now I can freely visit my local state parks without having to purchase a ticket. I considered getting the historic site pass as well but then read online that I could 'borrow' a pass from my local library which sounds like a good way to save a few dollars. I'll just need to plan that sort of visit ahead.
Friday, April 17: I find the homey sorts of thing suit me best during these long sunny days. Baking (today was a Lemon Blueberry bread and Mexican cornbread), doing laundry (finally mastered the machines), hanging out clothing, tidying. I go about the house quite contentedly.
Despite steadily working, I find at the end of the day that there are many things I'd thought I'd do that didn't get done. I lose moments of time by sitting down to rest and then I get lost in my thoughts. No harm done, really. They are good thoughts or productive sorts of thoughts, or lovely memories. And this afternoon, I drifted into a deep nap that was much needed though it did leave me feeling groggy and headachy afterwards.
I removed the winter spread today and washed it and dried it on the line. I am foolish I know. There is already news of temperatures plummeting on Sunday, when the high is barely 60F. I shall no doubt find I am cold and need the extra blanket I keep at the foot of my bed. Never mind. The temperatures are due to rise (today was 88F so forewarned of what is to come!) and I will be too warm with even the summer spread on the bed. I always get impatient with the weather this time of the year. Hot, cool, hotter, cooler. April is unpredictable.
Katie had very good news today from her job. She was recognized for her performance and given a nice raise as well. She called me completely stunned and in tears. She really loves her job, the people she works with and her boss. It's the happiest I've ever seen her in her work thus far. And it does me good to hear that her boss is the sort who likes to recognize and reward the people who are performing well in his business.
I think homemaking can be one of the most discouraging of jobs/occupations. Yet John was often a great encouragement to me in my efforts about the house. It was my experience that most people who live in the house with you seldom notice the things you'd do to make it home-y and neat, but he was unfailing in his appreciation. In our 34 years together, he never ever left the table or ended the day without telling me "Thank you for..." whatever it was I'd made or done. He did it so routinely that Caleb picked up the habit as well and it pleases me to hear him tell his mom "Thank you," when he leaves the table or she hands him folded laundry to put away.
I am going to watch "Enchanted April" tonight. It is a part of my April nearly every year and a film that I dearly enjoy. I've been indulging in Bridgerton, which I also enjoy but I find there are many parts in that series that I prefer to fast forward through. I am ready for something gentler and less needful of skipping through.
The weekend and week ahead shall be busy for me. I'm going to attend Outreach tomorrow for their Community Church Service, and on Sunday, I've been volunteered to take the children to church with me while Bess goes to help her mother pack up her home preparing to move. On Monday the pest control man is coming and then I've children to keep both Monday afternoon and Wednesday and Thursday Josh has a concert at school. One day I must go do needful errands. And on Friday I'm going to the Library Old Book Sale with a friend.
And scattered all through the busyness, I shall be making meals here at home, attending to housework, trying to continue to sort out small sections at a time, figuring up my new budget and attending to whatever business pops up as I attend to all those things. I expect I shall be rather glad to see next Saturday!
Monday, April 20: I went o the Community Outreach on Saturday as planned, then went by to pick up the missionary mail and run into the grocery next door. I needed only a handful of fresh produce. I talked myself out of loads of impulse buys not because I wouldn't eat it, but because at present I have so much at home to eat, but I did get a box of graham crackers which had been a strong craving for weeks now. And I finally remembered to get laundry detergent which I'd needed for a couple of weeks as well as unscented dish detergent.
Earlier this year I'd bought a big bottle of Dawn, the blue stuff that is "original". The aroma of it has made me have a headache, sneeze and generally fuss ever since. John had looked it up and yes, they did change the scent and people complained loudly over the fact. I thought I'd just stick it out and look for the scent free when my own ran out but I lost patience with it last week when I washed more than the usual number of dishes and my head ached each day. Enough! Just buy the unscented sort already. I'll reserve the remains of the blue for removing stains on laundry.
Everything I purchased fit into one big, insulated bag. Except for two tea roses (3 plants in one pot, 4 in the other) which I shall put out in pots on my patio. Hybrid tea roses do very well indeed outdoors.
I was coming up my backsteps with my arms weighted down with bags, roses, purse, mail, water bottles, etc. when I stubbed my toe which threw me off balance which caused me to drop every single item and desperately try to regain my balance. Instead, I stepped off the side of the steps further losing balance, kicked my leg out to try to remain upright which caused a mighty POP in my right hip and down I went. Not onto the ground as I'd feared but seated as nice as you please right in the middle of that gigantic Rosemary bush where I gathered my wits and marveled at the fact that not one twig of that Rosemary snapped under my weight.
I was able to stand from my perching spot. I tested my weight gingerly on my right leg which held find, though it hurt like the devil. I went up the steps carefully, retrieved my belongings and came indoors to nurse my pride and aching hip. I thought to take an over-the-counter remedy, and I sat down very gingerly in my chair. I felt far more comfortable with my foot propped up. I got up every 40 minutes or so and moved about the house a bit but beyond being terribly sore, I had no real issues in moving or standing or sitting, though anything that required me to bend was pretty much painful.
I went to bed very early that night, along about 8:30 and went right off to sleep and slept hard until 12:00 a.m. Then I went back to sleep after getting up to take another dose of over-the-counter pain relievers. I was still very tender feeling Sunday morning.
I decided to skip church and called Bess to say so which is when I discovered I was not slated to take children with me to church this Sunday but next. Sam came over later to check that I truly was all right, drink copious cups of coffee and eat Lemon Blueberry bread which he pronounced most excellent. We chatted for a good long while before he headed off to do more gardening work at his own place.
Sam made plans to put up a railing on the steps for me so that I might have something to grab onto if I should ever stumble again. And he's ordered and received the light he plans to put up under my carport in case I am out later in the evening, so I'll have light to see by.
In both instances, I admit feeling a bit...frail? Not exactly old, but as though I am 'getting on up' in my years far more quickly than I actually feel I should be treated. I'm taking it as it is meant to be, a kindness, a form of taking care of me, without hovering. And that I do appreciate from all of my family. But hang it all, I am feeling 'elderly' too and I certainly don't want to feel so.
I didn't do much of anything after Sam left yesterday morning, beyond getting up to move about routinely. I watched far too much television, cooked a meal for myself (Mongolian Beef, leftover from the freezer, with a variety of stir-fried vegetables and rice), and repeated the whole process of sitting and moving about and sitting and moving all afternoon long.
Come evening, I roused myself to go outdoors to take veg scraps to the compost pile, and while out, I weeded two flower beds, small ones and then came indoors to make myself supper and watch more television, until I took myself off to bed early again. By the end of the day the aching was a little more than it had been during the day. Though I never did feel the need to resort to taking any more pain relief medications.
Today I feel much better. Still a little tender and sore, but much better overall. I think, honestly, that my hip has been slightly out of kilter for years and the POP I heard was actually the hip going back into place. I can say honestly, I've walked a great deal more steadily and surefooted ever since the stumble. And I am prone to see the good in anything, including a stumble. But it is tender, if ever so slightly so.
The roses are blooming and looking especially lovely. That would be the antique single blossom deep maroon one that my late friend Nancy gave me and the New Dawn that Granny brought to me. Both look so lush and gorgeous and happy. Odd the roses look so well given that the weather assures us we are in a drought. But all of the roses, hybrid teas, standards and climbers are looking full and luxuriant and ready to burst into bloom. It makes me happy to see them.
I weeded the iris bed by the shed yesterday. The iris there are rapidly disappearing. Borers have gotten into them. I need to take the few remaining ones up and cut away the bad portions and replant elsewhere. Thinking of where I might put them is the issue. Do I start a new bed? Add them to existing beds? I have no idea.
I've just put my supper in the oven to cook because I know that this evening, I shall be helping the two younger ones with their homework and if it drags on, I shall not want to cook much of anything once I get home. Much better to leave something pre-made and ready to reheat.
In two days, John will be gone one month. I have gone on alone for a solid month. I can't say I feel anything much about that, not a huge deep sadness exactly though there is an empty place in my life where he once was. Nor do I feel I've accomplished some great thing in going on alone. I've merely done what he would have wanted me to do. I've gotten on with living. And I suppose in the end, that's good enough.
Wednesday, April 22: I went to bed last night and cried and cried. Not just about John, but because of a grief dealt me very close after his death. I hadn't realized how much I'd hurt until I sat down to exam it more closely. I'd turned to someone for support, emotional support, in my time of need and I received instead, as my dad used to say, 'a rude awakening'. Today I decided that it was high time to end such in my life. One has a right when feeling shattered to turn to certain people for comfort and to find oneself instead accused of trying to take advantage and even of being careless...Well dang it all, why bother to continue in such a way? Why not just move on. John was taken from me without any desire on my part to lose him, but I do not have to willingly step into painful, hateful situations. So I shall not do so.
I had a very busy day yesterday in which I took care of several business matters. It does seem that I'm always thinking of one more thing I must attend to. Today I've been halted by being told that I must go into the store to do what needs to be done. Yet every single time I've gone into the store, I've been told I must call in...Do make up your mind, won't you?
After I took care of business yesterday, I went to the car wash and cleaned up my car. While I was vacuuming the back I realized that I am missing one of my floor mats. Why? And where might it have gotten off to? Who would have removed it? I've no idea.
After washing the car, I went to the restaurant John and I so enjoyed and had lunch. Then over to Cato to look for something I might wear this spring/summer, since thrift stores have proven to be so barren of anything in my size. It did not help that once in Cato, I discovered they have apparently changed their sizing. I went in very comfortably sure of what size I needed, but very little fit me. In some cases, I tried TWO sizes higher than I wore last year and yet I can say assuredly that I have lost weight! I know because of how well the jeans I had on fit me. And they'd just been washed!
I had little luck there but never mind. I got three pieces and felt myself fortunate to find those. Then I went up the shopping center to one of the discount hair places. MISTAKE. My hair looks worse than it did when I went in and it was pretty bad. I think she completely ignored cutting the right side of my head which apparently is the same length it was when i walked into the shop to begin with.
By that point I'd gotten in and out of the car about 10 times. My hip was fussing had at me. I came home and did nothing else. To be fair, it was almost 5pm when I came in from my errands.
Today, is the first anniversary of John's death. He's been gone one full month. I really wanted to go do something today, but I am feeling my hip pretty strongly. I went outdoors and potted up roses, planted seeds and am hopeful that some sort of flowers will take hold. Then I watered everything in and came indoors to make lunch and took a long nap. That feels like a hopeful sort of task, looking to the future of flowers.
Sunday. April 26: It ended being a busy week. Thursday, I decided I really must give my home a house blessing, since I'd planned to be out with a friend all day on Friday. Naturally it turned into one of those sorts of cleaning days when you decide you might as well add this or that. I thought I'd rotate the mattress, which naturally enough led to vacuuming under the bed. And that led to a sudden decision to sort out my drawers but instead, I cleaned out all of John's chest of drawers. I sorted the clothing into donation and toss. And amidst all that I did laundry, and cleaned baths, sorted out the kitchen and made meals. It was a long day, which I ended by going to Josh's band concert. It was a lovely recital, and they had much improved in just a few months since we went to the Christmas program.
When I arrived, Isaac asked on seeing me, "Where's Grampa?!" and immediately the stricken look on his face said he'd really forgotten. I told him it was quite all right, I sometimes wondered where John was myself. I think partly to make it up to me, he asked after the concert if he might ride home with me, "So you don't have to be alone," he explained and I thanked him. He was good company on the ride.
On Friday, my hip felt much better, thankfully. I was glad as the plans were to attend not one but TWO library book sales. Susan took advantage of her handicap tag to park nearer the building at the first stop. I was grateful for that because it was quite a trek from the non-handicap parking area! I found three books at the first sale, checked out, found a bench and sat down to read as Susan looked to her heart's content.
Then we drove to Macon and went to a lovely park with a huge rotunda building full of books. They had quite a lot of truly old books and I gave in to my temptation to purchase many books, a bagful! Not a huge bagful and honestly, I kept it fairly reasonable. But I will tell you that many people showed up with hand trucks, milk crates, and boxes, or wagons which they wheeled about and filled. We saw one family we presume was a homeschooling family with five huge cartons of books! I'd thought I was rather smart just to remember a bag, but gracious, I didn't even look serious about looking compared to those other folks.
After lunch we went to the Rescue Mission Barn which is a lovely old set of stables that have been converted into a thrift store. They had the nicest furniture in that place. But I had wearied and stumbled twice as we walked about and I had to tell Susan we needed to head back homeward.
The whole day was lovely as could be. We went down all sorts of roadways I had never been down with the loveliest homes, and tiny villages that had been incorporated into Macon. And then on the drive home it was all back country roadways which I loved. I was quite happy with the day despite that aching hip.
When I got home, I picked up mail. I had letters that brought such good news that I sat and cried and cried. I had made up my mind that I'd manage as well as possible on one amount of money, but I had concerns. I didn't realize how heavy my concerns had been weighing upon me until the mail revealed that things wouldn't be quite so slim as I'd feared. But those tears said well enough that I'd been far more worried than I'd allowed myself to admit.
Between all the walking about and the fresh air and sunshine and the relief...well I went to bed and went right to sleep that night.
Nothing to really share about Saturday. And for today, Sunday, I picked up the kids and took them to church with me. Josh graduated himself to the Youth group in the student building. Millie graduated from nursery into Children's Church proper. Big day for both of them.
I enjoyed the service greatly. I spoke to a few people I hadn't seen since before John passed. And then leaving, I came face to face with someone who looked so familiar, literally looked like family and it took me a moment to realize it was my niece! She'd seen me going down the aisle and had hurried over to greet me. It was so lovely to see her, though later when I was home, I realized that I have a deal of grief over our lack of relationship, not her fault nor mine. I was so pleased though to see her. We chatted briefly.
I gathered the kids up from their various services. I contemplated going into the grocery with the three children in tow and the merits of getting takeout fried chicken instead. I opted for takeout. I shan't be doing that again, as it was expensive, but I laughingly reminded myself that truly it would have cost me easily that and more if they kids had gone into the grocery with me. In the end, we fed 7 children, 4 adults and there were leftovers enough for Katie to pop chicken into the freezer for another meal. So, I shall not complain too loudly over the cost...but in future, if I know I shall have the trio with me, I'll definitely go to the grocery and purchase ahead of time!
When I got home this afternoon, I sat down to catch up here but instead I took a long hard nap of nearly 2 hours. I needed that. I put together more of my jigsaw puzzle which is getting nearer and nearer being finished.
Tuesday, April 28: There's a pattern to my life now. I realize I must attend to something, be it paperwork or sorting through something of John's. I do it and then I have a spell of grief. Then I do the next thing and I grieve. So be it. As I told Katie, each thing I do is another form of letting go. And letting go hurts.
Yesterday, my intention was to do a Monday house blessing, since I'd done my last house blessing a day early in order to be free last Friday. I did laundry, cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed the floors.
I'd opened the windows because it was so breezy and nice outdoors yesterday. The dead bugs in the window tracks, and inside the storm windows, were not to be believed. So, I vacuumed all of those out. It was nice to not only have the fresh air and sunlight and birdsong all through the house. And to get a bit of deep cleaning done.
I decided I'd take all of John's shirts out of the closet and bag them up to donate. I can't remember when exactly, but it was in the recent past, John said to me, "Boy when you donate my shirts to Goodwill someone is going to ask, did the man wear anything but black?" Well, he liked black, namely because once he began to wear suspenders, he preferred that his shirt match his suspenders and he favored black in those. I said he had far more clothes than I do and I wasn't kidding. I counted 70 shirts yesterday as I folded them and put them into bags. Of those 70, 50 were black. He had a few blue, teal, green, and a couple of red ones but he generally wore black.
And flush with the success of doing that task without trauma, I thought I'd just clean up the jumble on top of his dresser. I brought out the polish and a rag and cleaned everything and tucked it into his drawers except for the collection of photos he had always kept on the dresser.
Then I hauled all of the bags out of the bedroom into the kitchen where I planned to carry them to the car to donate today. That all went well.
But yesterday evening, about sunset, the sun coming into the bedroom highlighted the dresser top. I turned to look at it and saw how neat and clean it all was, and the photos arrayed across the top...and that made me cry. Because that jumbled top of that dresser was so John. It looked chaotic, but he knew right where every item was and never failed to locate whatever he was looking for. Now that part of him, too, was gone.
Today I tended to another one of those bills, in John's name, that needed to be transferred to mine. Nothing is ever totally easy. All this part must be done in office. All that part must be done on the computer at home. I cannot get into an account without an account number which I must go find but if you don't have paper billing...well then, you may not have that account number when you're trying to reset your password to get into the account. I'm going to have to start keeping track of those since everyone and their second cousins too want to go paperless. I only hope we are actually 'saving trees'...
I had to fill up my car with gas and found myself wishing I could find just one good full-service gas station...Oh, the luxury of having someone else get out of the car and pump the gas! Add that to the long list of little things that I never had to think about because John always insisted we get gas while we were out together so I wouldn't ever have to fill up the car on my own. I could do it...but I hated the gas cap we had on the car at the time. I always found it difficult to remove and if I did have to pump gas, often had to ask a stranger at the next pump to please help. Someone all did, but goodness...I always felt like such a wimp that I couldn't twist off my own gas cap. It wasn't four months ago he went to the dealership and bought the marketed model gas cap for my car which goes on and off easily...Another of those things he did that have paved my way now.
I went to pick up some fresh bacon and sausage at the little market in Perry that I love to go into, and I was able to buy eggs for 99c dozen and got milk and half and half. No great savings on the half and half mind you but then again, I didn't have to go to any other store. I'll just note that in future, half and half is best purchased elsewhere. But since it was so cold (temperature dropped and kept dropping) and rainy (YAY!), I didn't feel overly inclined to shop at any more stores. I'd rather stay dry-ish, especially after getting in and out several times over the morning/afternoon.
I was just finished with what I could do of the computer portion of my business dealings today when Katie called earlier today and since I was in her town, I picked up lunch which we shared during her lunch break. It was nice to have 45 minutes of her all to myself. That's not something that happens often. And this afternoon, after I'd gotten home, she called to ask me a question and the chaos of overly tired, fussy children, reminded me of exactly why I have not had time alone with her, lol. We managed to finish our conversation but I'm telling you, my sympathy was with each fussy child and that mama handling all three of them on her own for another two hours.
No sooner did I hang up with her than my brother-in-law called, and he talked to me for an hour while he picked up dinner for his wife and himself. I haven't talked to George a lot. He and John had long conversations every couple of weeks, often lasting two or three hours. Fortunately, my own call with him did not last that long but he did say "Goodbye" seven times before he finally stopped starting a new conversation, lol.
I think I am going to make myself bacon and waffles for my supper tonight. It's just the sort of cozy comfort meal I think I want on a dark and rainy and chilly evening. Warm strawberries served over the top of the waffles with yogurt, eggs and bacon on the side...It was a very good and comforting sort of supper.
Thursday, April 30: I seem to manage at least one day in the kitchen each week where I make up things to either eat during the week or to put into the freezer for future meals. Today, I patted out sausage into patties and made some sausage balls to put into the freezer. I cut all of the extra-long pieces of bacon in half and having flash frozen those, put them into a bag in the freezer. I made biscuits which went right into the freezer. And then I baked a loaf of bread. Truthfully, I have missed eating homemade bread. I sliced the loaf once it was cooled, packed it into a plastic bag with parchment between slices so I can take out just one at a time to use. And then it went into...the freezer! Of course it did.
Friday, May 1: I stopped mid-sentence in the paragraph above yesterday and forgot I was planning to finish off this post and send it out today. Oh, My Goodness! My mind does love to slip this way or that lately. Fortunately, I've not forgotten big things, like paying a bill but I have slipped up on little inconsequential sorts of things, like finishing off a post, or finishing up a cup of coffee.
I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, a follow-up of our January visit. Of course, the doctor wanted to know what had happened with John, etc. And I was able to tell him without getting all weepy over it. From a personal standpoint he was very sorry. From a medical standpoint he made it quite clear that I should have no second thoughts at all about how things played out that day. "I'm glad John regained consciousness and could make the decision to forgo life support with you, but you both made exactly the right choice. There was nothing they could have done that would have saved him without also doing him further harm."
Not that I needed that consolation, but I'm still glad to hear that medically speaking, he felt it was the right call. That doubt has never crept in.
On the other hand, my A1C was tested and I'd dropped three points. I'm still at diabetic range, but one point will see me back to pre-diabetic ranges and that's what I'm working towards. The doctor called me yesterday to tell me the results and assured me that I needn't forfeit quality of life for sake of diet. "Moderation", he said. And that made me smile, because that was always Granny's word on all matters. "Moderation in all things, " she used to say, and that advice has served me well over and over again.
I worked on catching up my Junk Journal yesterday. I confess to getting terribly frustrated and upset with all my work yesterday, but I soon figured out how to get around my difficulties. I'm wasting more paper than I would have otherwise, but I managed to print out all that I wanted to use today to finish off both March and April. Which happily brings me right up into May.
I also finished my jigsaw puzzle. I think I finished that on Wednesday evening. I am missing two pieces from the edge of the puzzle, and I think they were missing even though the thing was new in box because I'd noted that the two pieces I'd pushed together in the first place did not fit as they ought to have done. Katie has gifted me an early Mother's Day present of another puzzle and a diamond art kit that is quite pretty. I'm waiting to start one of them over the weekend.
The week has gone on, as the month did. Now it's time to start thinking of fresh things. I think I am ready to get more into projects. Katie suggested I ought to turn the music room into my workroom, as it is smaller than the guest room. And it makes complete sense to me to use the space John created in as my creative haven, too. But there is a load of work to be done in that room before I can turn it into any sort of space that I might use.
There are still things I need to do (phone calls, legwork, etc.) in order to complete settling up the end-of-life things. Every day, I realize something I haven't done or thought of doing that I ought to attend to. Hopefully this new month will see all of that put to rest so I can move on with other things I should attend to.
I am absolutely loving a lovely journal that Liz sent me that is titled, Letters to My Husband, and I write whenever I wish I could say something to John, like how much I miss his blue eyes and hairy arms, or how proud I am of some achievement my children and grandchildren have made. Or just when I am grieving and need an outlet. So, Liz, if you're reading this, know that I have received it and I thank you most sincerely. I cannot find you on Messenger nor your email, hence the reason why you've heard nothing from me in a more personal way.
And on that note, it's nearly 6:30pm and I need to go fix myself something to eat for supper.