I have this tendency to do things hard...Not the hard way, but to work hard at whatever I am currently doing. If it's housework or yard work or office work, I'll push and push until I get all I meant to accomplish finished. It took a car accident 24 years ago to teach me that sometimes things get accomplished just as well if I stop and rest a bit and then get up and go at it again. Still working hard, mind you, and only just barely allowing myself time to rest, but a slight improvement over my former self.
Well, I've been going at it hard with this whole diabetes thing. I meant to do it just exactly right and to that end I started studying hard, even while in the hospital, and I've kept it up for the past 5 weeks. I can't help but notice how many sites conflict in information. No carbs, low carbs, moderate carbs. Eat no fruit, eat at least two servings daily. Eat no starches at all, eat at least 2 servings daily. Dairy 3 times a day. No dairy. at. all. No fat, low fat, high fat. Moderate protein, high protein. This drug is no good, that one is better. No medicine necessary, diet and exercise is enough. No exercise needed, just proper diet. Just one drug can't give consistently good results. One drug will work just fine if you're patient. Testing is necessary multiple times a day within an hour of eating and two hours of eating and always first thing in the morning for fasting and last thing at night. Testing is only needed once or twice a day at most and perhaps just a few times a week. Websites that state where blood sugars should be disagree as well.... The clatter and chatter and spatter of it all inside my head got to be too much.
This week I struggled. I have a cold, a sore throat and am not sleeping well. My blood sugar numbers are not where I want them to be despite making changes and tweaking and tweaking. A wisdom tooth decided to flare up. I got up Saturday morning and had a pink matted eye after coughing my head off all night long. I went to the kitchen to do my fingerstick and it hurt, darn it. I've been cringing every time I go to do it but to have it hurt too was just too much. And this go at it hard gal sat down and cried for the second time since my life took this dramatic turn.
Mama and John both tell me my numbers aren't bad but they are higher than they've been since I started testing here at home. Mama and websites both agree that likely the cold and tooth were enough to jack numbers up no matter how well I'm eating. It's something to do with the body fighting off the virus that caused the cold and the inflamed tooth in the first place.
I'll confess disappointment. I'd planned, if I had a decent week of numbers, to treat myself this morning with a piece of crisp toast spread with a scant half teaspoon of orange marmalade...Well that wasn't happening and maybe it sounds a minor thing but it was a contributing straw that broke my spirit.
Because sometimes, it is ALL just too doggone much.
Why am I sharing this? Because I want every one of you to realize what I did this morning: we can't always be brave and strong. Sometimes things just suck. It's hard. It's not fun. And its just fine to take time out from good behavior, cry or whine a bit and then suck it up and get at it again.
So John looked at me this morning and told me all would be well. He hugged me and gave me a pep talk and kissed me on the forehead and made me breakfast. Two slices of toast this morning (it's thinner and tastes far better than the stuff I'd been choking down for the past three weeks) spread with a little peanut butter and half a banana sliced atop the two. It was good. I took a nap this afternoon. I've eaten enough salad to feel rather rabbitish this week over all. I decided that I've had enough salad for a week and just had a half sandwich and a nectarine for supper.
Oh I don't mean to quit trying to lick this thing. I do mean to lighten up on myself a bit. Maybe I'm pushing too hard from too many angles at once. I think I need to stop reading so many conflicting things and simply work at it from the spot where I was started from in the hospital with a moderate eating plan with a moderate calorie base. I'm going to stop expecting miracles and start accepting it's all going to take time. I'm going to give my body time to heal: from this cold, from the trauma it's experienced.
And that's where I am at the start of this week: lightening up.
Peanut Butter toast/Banana, Coffee
Steak Fajita, Salad with Tomato, Feta and Avocado 'dressing', SF chocolate pudding
It was after this meal that I realized I was thoroughly and totally sick to death of salad this week...
Egg Salad sandwich, Nectarine, Milk
Egg, Toast, Orange
out with a friend
Tomato Soup, Cheese, Whole Wheat crackers or a thin slice of good bread, SF chocolate pudding
Whole Wheat Waffle, Turkey Sausage, Blueberries and Strawberries
Roast Beef with Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, Steamed Carrots, Green Beans
Egg Salad Sandwich, Apple Slices
Bran Cereal, Peach, Cottage Cheese
Roasted Chicken, Sweet Potato Wedges, Coleslaw
Chicken Veg Soup, Tomato Sandwich
Peach Smoothie (yogurt, frozen peach slices), Cheese Toast
Broiled Hamburger Steak, Garden Peas, Lettuce and Tomato Salad, Whole Wheat Roll
Chef's Salad, Cherries
Omelet with Vegetables, Grits, Toast (both for John, one or the other for me)
out with Mama
Chicken Soup, Crackers, Chocolate Milk
Toast with Cream Cheese, Strawberries
Chicken Parmesan, Roasted Italian Vegetables, White Chocolate pudding
Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich, Banana
Snack: Apple slices with 1 tbsp peanut butter, 1/2 snack box of raisins
1 ounce almonds, 1/2 cup strawberries
5 whole wheat crackers, 1 ounce cheese
Banana pops (1/2 banana spread with peanut butter, drizzled with melted chocolate)
Berry Parfaits (yogurt and berries/1/2 cup size)
4 ounces unsweetened apple sauce with 1/2 cup cottage cheese
Apple Slices, 1 ounce cheddar
Around the House
Harvest Day: Pick up check, pay bills, decide once and for all how we'll manage medical bills
Visit booth and hopefully add fresh stock. Rearrange and freshen.
Out twice this week once with a friend (today) and with Mama later this week