Hello dears...I titled this "One for the Road" because January is fast drawing to an end, but it really might be titled "Procrastination in Full Force". I don't know...I just can't get any oomph this week. I know I've worked hard all week long and I purposely planned light for this week but do you know, I hadn't done a darn thing I'd meant to do this week except the shopping! So I tied myself to the cart this morning and said "You don't get to stop until lunch or you're done whichever comes first...And if you're not done by lunch, you're going right back to that cart and doing what you can until you simply can't do a thing more." I'm not at the ' can't do a thing more," point. Have a seat and a cup of hot tea or coffee and let's talk before this month is finished. I'm really too tired to keep going, so your company is a welcome thing just now.
Where shall we start? Hmmm? We haven't visited in almost 3 weeks, did you realize? I shall assume many of you are overwhelmingly busy. Some of you regulars I haven't heard much from this month. I've been busy, and yet for all that I haven't been at the same time because there really has been plenty of time for sitting about with the family, or watching tv or finishing the only book I've read so far and for putting off tasks that I'd promised myself I'd get done. And yes, I did, too get a lot done because I have the blessing of being able to focus for the most part and I can organize my work in my mind in such a way that I get a maximum amount done in a short amount of time. I am also prone to JOB and microwave work. Those are new terms I learned from Jordan Page on this vlog post. Go watch it by all means. Bonus is that you will know it's a tried and true method because yours truly has been doing this for years...but she gets all the credit for coining the phrases.
Want a quick recap of January as it was? This month I started my living room makeover. I decided to go with an English Country style. It's a lovely blend of antiques, textural mixes, fancy bits and rustic things. It's eclectic and homey looking and has a sort of casual elegance about it. It's classic and it has color. I happen to have had a lot of décor pieces on hand: china, books, pewter pieces, bird figurines, and blue and white china pieces.
What I actually bought for this project was: one needlepoint cushion cover for $25, a figurine of a girl with a dog $13, 2 silver picture frames 50c, 2 deep blue chenille pillows $12, a gray fleece throw that I plan to put a fringe or crochet edge on $2.50 and a green plant $4. I'm not counting in the cost of the curtains I bought only because they were on the list months ago, nor the fabric purchased to back the bookcases as they are so stained that I really had to do something with them so both of those items were necessary. So for about $55 I've given my living room a fresh look and am pretty happy with it so far. By the way, that's just about 1/2 my allowance a month. I'm always happy when I get something lasting for my pocket money.
I spent a lot of time decluttering and organizing so many areas of my home that I can't even tell you all that I did. I found space this month in so many places in this house. Suffice it to say that I've been through every area of my home. I'm pleased with what I've done and don't miss the things I've let go of. And I'll say right now that next month, when I begin zone work once again, I plan to spend time going through each area to see what I don't need or how I can better use my spaces. It will be so much easier right now while it's neat and tidy.
I said I'd start this year living off what we might earn on retirement but I have not exactly done that. Instead, because John's had a good bit of overtime and holiday pays on his checks this month, I have set aside all the money required to put tires and brakes on his car, and We had bigger expenses this past month: quarterly and six months installments due on house and car insurance, tags, property taxes were due end of December. So the overtime has gone to good use. I've already set aside 2019 property tax funds and have nearly all I need for July's car insurance renewal. So you see I did save quite a lot of money! I also stocked heavily on cleaning and paper supplies. I do not count that as grocery. I count it as a household expense. I bought the new living room curtains and a few other home needs that were on my long term list. I was trying to remember what all I got. I know I bought sheets for the guest room for one thing and some kitchen towels to have on hand for when I need to replenish. Since I'm so stuck on this aqua color whenever I come across kitchen towels and dishcloths that match my kitchen colors I buy ahead. Oh yes, I bought bins for storage of pasta and cereal and such in my pantry and baskets to go above the laundry area. Not only does that space look a lot neater it holds more because the baskets allow me to store more than sitting things on the shelf did. And the fabric to recover the back panels on my bookcases. I think I haven't done much more spending than that. I went shopping only three times.
Mixed in with all the work and shopping was family times, regular housework routine and life in general. Pretty much just an average month with some January declutter/organize work tossed in.
I'm tired. I'm physically tired today and I'm mentally emotionally tired, as well. I can't share what's making me mentally tired, because it's not my stuff that wearies me. It's family things. Problems, mini crises, life issues...I think it's as much having to stand on the sidelines and watch stuff happen and bite your tongue waiting for that right moment when you have an all clear sign to say what needs to be said while trying not to discourage when it's encouragement that is required. I am learning the beauty of having a mantra. Mine is "It's not my battle," when I find my mind wants to dwell on things and people that I truly have no control over.
I've had anxiety attacks several times over the last two weeks. That horrible feeling of waiting for something terrible to happen is also exhausting. I've spent a lot of time in prayer about this. I've reasoned that God is greater than any fear I have and I know that He is. That nothing horrible has ever happened that hasn't been lived through by folks a lot weaker than I. The anxiety is still there. It's not as bad as it was this summer but it's enough. I catch myself thinking with each thing that comes up "Oh! This is it. This is what I've been dreading," and then feeling almost disappointed when that isn't the thing because I know the anxiety is going to return. It isn't a constant feeling. I think it would be more bearable if it were constant. No, it's a sudden feeling and it lingers about for a bit and then it's gone. I wish I understood the why of it. It's the not understanding that is the hardest part. When I have high or low blood sugar I can pretty well track the cause and I know what I need to do to bring it back into alignment. I have no idea how to do that when I feel anxious. And yet, for all that, thank you God, I am not having to take medication all the time for it at present.
Anyone else watching the Netflix series with Marie Kondo? I've seen a few episodes and I say truly that I think I'm going to have to read the books. I did take time while cleaning to incorporate some of her esthetics. I admit to feeling a bit of a thrill when I look in my napkin and dishcloth drawers and I see those neat little folded rows. It feels peaceful.
Do you know who I was thinking of this morning? Mrs. Olsen from the TV series "Little House on the Prairie." Would you be shocked to hear that I admired her? Yes and Cora Beth from "The Waltons", too. Both women had some awful character traits but you know what I liked about them? That both had ideals they aspired to. They made beautiful spaces in their homes. They did things. know that Carolyn and Olivia were the more likable characters but given a choice of who I wanted to be in my life? Maybe I wouldn't want the personality that went with it, but I'd choose the Mrs. Olsen and Cora Beth! Does that make me weird?
It was their personal style, their cultivation of themselves into something that perhaps they weren't naturally. I admire that. It takes some wresting to make yourself over, to wring from your life the things that you'd most like to have from it. It takes adhering to that ideal day in and day out and doing what it takes. It's not for the faint of heart nor the lazy. I don't believe that it has to be at the cost of being nice or decent to others and it's unfortunate that the two examples that come to mind were not the most likeable of women.
I suppose I admire that trait so because many years ago, I had an ideal and then a mentor. Both came in the form of my former alter ego, Penny Ann Poundwise. It amuses me no end that 21 years ago this life I lead now was just a dream of how I hoped things would be. Not that I'm done by any means. I've time enough to be any number of people before I'm done!
A short chat perhaps, and now a rather late one. It was a good start to the New Year this month. I hope yours was as well.
8 comments:
When you mentioned aqua today I saw some lovely candle holders at Dollar General. There were a pkg of 3 for $5 and the loveliest aqua shade with a glass, i guess you could say globe with the words like faith, hope,joy or something similar. I think I may go back tomorrow. Aqua is not a color I use but I noticed the kitchen placemats have aqua in them. Dont you agree that I deserve them? LOL. I am trying to organize my mess of pictures from many years that have just been in boxes and thinking as I look, does this give me joy? I have about 3 books of old postcards from around 1910 including many holiday ones that I guess I have kept just because I felt like I should. I decided they dont really give me joy so I sent a text to my son and said I was going to toss them. Mom! I love those postcards, I want them, Yeah, out they go next time I see him. LOL. Good to see you posting a letter. I am settled into my favorite time of the year, time to just relax,stay home and get some piddley projects done. Of course, I dont enjoy it if I have to go out in subzero temps and I dont dare tell that I do love this season. Gramma D
I have the first Marie Kondo book and have watched most of the Netflix series. I pulled from the book the things that helped me, and left the rest. Greg really likes having his t-shirt drawer folded so he can immediately see what is there.
What I liked about the show is that she had no judgment for the clients in what/how much they kept. She just helped them recognize the criteria that was important to them and supported their efforts in wrangling the clutter that was impeding their enjoyment of their lives.
Jess and I have talked several times about how having a cluttered, messy house makes it almost difficult to breathe sometimes. I know when my own home is straightened and picked up, the atmosphere is calming and stress-reducing. When it's messy and cluttered we're all more on-edge and prone to disagreement.
Funny you should mention Marie Kondo. I saw her on an episode of Rachel Ray this week. I watched several vlogs of people using her method to remove clutter and organize areas of their home. I usually have the bug to do these things in January. Not so much this year. Watching her and the vlogs has given me the boost I need to get with it.
I am seeing aqua everywhere. Megan broke the top to her cereal container. All I could find was containers with the aqua lid. I'm holding out with hope that I can find one with a white lid to match the others I already have.
I had a bout of coughing that roused me from bed. I hate to stay in bed and wake up Chuck. Morning comes quickly, so I will try to return for some much needed sleep.
My daughter suffers from crippling anxiety, so I know more about the mechanics of it than I ever wanted to know. The part of our brain responsible for anxiety is called the amygdala, you can read more about it here:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amygdala
Amygdala is part of our limbic system, which is also known as our "lizard brain". It is not our rational, higher function brain, which is why it's impossible to rationalise anxiety away. It's what makes you jump when a door suddenly slams. It's pure instinct, what is responsible for identifying threats and triggering a fight-or-flight response to increase the chances of our survival when under threat. So if you're under attack, it identifies the threat, floods your body with stress hormones, you take appropriate action fueled by these hormones, remove the threat, or yourself from threatening situation, job done. You're alive and safe, its function is fulfilled, hormones disperse, life goes on.
Except sonwtimes it malfunctions.
For some people there is damage to that area. People on the autism spectrum, like my daughter, are especially prone to overactive amygdalas, due to the way their brain is wired (the exact mechanics of this are as yet unknown). On the other end of the spectrum, psychopaths have underactive amygdalas and therefore are able to operate almost entirely without anxiety (so you see, anxiety is not always a bad thing). For people whose overactive amygdalas have physical causes, one of the many meducations available is likely to be the most efficient treatment, and it will be effective to a lesser or greater extent, depending on the individual.
So, for people sensitive to stimuli - again, people on autism spectrum, peiple with sensory processing disorder, or people who just have very finely tuned senses, anxiety can be triggered by unfamiliar or unpleasant noises, textures, smells... Things that rational brain processes almost subconsciously and is not necessarily aware on conscious level. But the limbic brain has noted them, identified as potential threat, because it finds them unpleasant, and has triggered the fight or flight response.
Yet the rational brain looks around, sees no threat, and can therefore take no action. Voila, anxiety. Something is wrong, sonething is horribly wrong, but what? Must be sonething that hasn't happened yet. So something horrible is on its way, what do I do? How do I make it stop? The hormones keep pumping out. They will disperse eventually...
Ooops, gotta go, will come back with another comment to finish. Sorry for the cliffhanger!
My house has always been a cross between English country cottage and 1940s. Hard to explain, really, but dark wood, wing back chairs, lots of books and lots of cut flowers. It makes me feel so good to be here. I'm leaving less and less these days.
Very interesting to read the above about the amygdala. I have always had a very easily startled response thing going. I jump at sounds, can hardly stand the level of music in restaurants and work places. Need lighting to be low. Would love to be able to tune down some of that but it doesn't seem likely to happen.
OK, I'm back.
The final common cause of overactive amygdala is learnt emotional responses. Basically, negative and unsafe emotional environment, especially in childhood and young adulthood, will teach the amygdala to react to all sorts of inocuous stimuli as a massive threat, and flood the brain and body with hormones accordingly. This is a situation where a combination of medication - to fight the fire right now - and therapy - to unravel our formative emotional experiences and identify what actually serves as a trigger for anxiety and why. So, I know someone who experienced intense anxiety whenever she saw a maths problem written down, even though it had nothing to do with her. She struggled with maths as a child, and when her father tried to help her, he grew frustrated and yelled at her if she couldn't "get it". Hence the amygdala identified maths problems as precursors to a verbal aggression. To actually figure this out is a work of years, because glancing at a maths problem was just one of a million tiny little stimuli happening every day that might have been the trigger, and there was no rational thought involved, the limbic brain just bypassed all that. And the younger we are when these connections form, the harder it is to unravel them, as we may have no conscious memory of them.
And finally, anxiety being a gift that keeps on giving, once amygdala has learnt to see inocuous things as threats, it can get worn out, and start reacting to almost everything. So it might have started as a learnt emotional response, but now it also reacts to smells, sounds, health imbalances.... it literally could be pumping into action because your blood sugar is high or low, but you're not feeling it consciously. Or you're coming down with a cold. Or it identified the noise in your walls before even you became aware of it consciously and reacted at it as a threat. Or you had a relative with a temper or substance abuse problem who used to rub their face before blowing up. Several decades later, one of your loved ones rubs their face because they are tired, and suddenly you are shaking and feel something awful is about to happen, no idea why.
So something that can be a huge help in dealing with anxiety and panic attacks is, when you suddenly feel sonething awful is coming, instead of trying to guess what that is - ask yourself, what is wrong now? No matter how small. Because once you know what you are fighting, or even if it needs fighting at all, that's half of the anxiety battle done.
I would love to see pictures of you redo. I am always inspired by others.
Gramma D, I think you should indeed treat yourself to those tea lights if they make you happy.
Wendi, I'm seeing the aqua everywhere now two. Three? years ago when I redid my kitchen I had a hard time finding anything to work with but I knew just what I wanted. There is also a Marie Kondo blog online. If you look up her name you should come across it but I'll try to link it in this week's final post.
Allegra, That is an awesome amount of information about anxiety and extremely intriguing. And helpful. I may not be able to figure out the triggers but at least I know that it's really a physical response to an unknown that likely isn't threatening and that is more than helpful. You see my brain will grasp that as a 'reason'. Thank you so very much. I'm going to reference your comments on this post in this week's final post in case anyone else would like to read this information. THANK YOU!!
Tammy, I am going to look for the books. I am like Greg. I like looking in a drawer and clearly seeing what I have. I didn't realize this until this past month though. I also was able to quickly identify what I didn't want to see so it helped me let go of things I might have kept if buried in a pile of things.
Anne, that sounds really sort of like what I'm hitting at. I mean the kitchen is more retro and I'd determined that it 'fit' with the idea of what I want to go for.
Out My Window. I'll be sharing some photos eventually. At present the changes are so slight I don't think anyone would know there had been any...Though you might! The two little boys have noticed it all.
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