July Diary: Week 1

Saturday June 29:  It was a Sabbath worthy meal today.  Grilled steaks, steamed baby potatoes with pats of Irish butter oozing golden down their skins, a glorious fresh salad with sweet onion, ripe tomatoes and tiny cubes of cheddar cheese, rich double chocolate Brownies with walnuts and a scoop of ice cream.  We groaned after finishing our meal.  John complimented me on every component of it.  We finished with coffee.



Afterwards, when we were watching TV, John turned to thank me once more for an excellent meal.  I started to tell him it was a Sabbath worthy meal...but I hesitated as my thoughts moved ahead.

It's been a long time since I've written of our Sabbaths.  We turn to them faithfully on Fridays still.  I do try to prepare both my home and my heart.  In Jewish tradition, we should come to Shabat fully prepared, ready to actively take rest.  We should be clean, well clothed.  The tools (napkin to cover the bread, candles, wine glass, bread plate, salt shaker) should be of our best. The bread fresh and whole.

I want to bring Him honor.  I want to show Him my best.  I love to come to Shabat with a clean house, a beautifully set table, a loaf (or at least a roll) of bread that I have fashioned myself by my own hand, and at the very least a fresh shirt and freshly washed face.  I want to bring my very best to this end of week ritual before the beginning of the great gift of Holy rest.  I anticipate it all week long and awake with a certain extra happiness on Friday morning, aware that this day shall end in the culmination of six days of satisfying work behind me.

But oh there are weeks when weariness so overwhelms us that just to call the week done we've set a hasty table well before sundown and we come to Shabat with dirty clothes and heavy hearts.  Sweat stained, tearful.   The house not up to par. The bread at best  a rather stale frozen  bagel.  And the Sabbath meal, which we serve on Saturday rather than Friday night, is a frozen pizza tossed into the oven, eaten off paper plates in front of the TV.

I used to feel great guilt over this.  It is not the Sabbath I'd share with guests.  Or as part of a blog post.  But it's a true and factual account of some very real Sabbaths in my home just as the lovely sabbath evenings are a true depiction.  I live life just as anyone else does.

It is glorious and it's base.  It's lovely and it's not.  It's joyful and it's sorrowful.  It's the best I have to offer at that time, though He never fails.

In the end, it is not the table setting or the clothing or the bread or the meal.  It is that I come.  I come because no matter how horrible the week behind, I need the refuge only God can give.  I come because in the end, this is the only place I can find solace.  And sometimes, just as my only prayer can be a face stained with tears raised to the sky, it is enough.  He knows.  He knows what effort it took to arrive here regardless of life's pummeling.  He knows how heavy my heart is and how weary my mind.  He knows I had a choice and I still chose Him.  And that acknowledges to Him that to me he is indeed Holy.

Baruch atah Adonai, Eleheinu melech ha'alom

Blessed are you Oh God, King of the universe..

Battle weary.  That is the way I've felt for the past few weeks and it came to a head this past week in the form of tears that slipped down my face without any willingness of my own to give in to tears.  No, the tears simply were there, at odd moments.  I'd be busy playing a computer game, in the middle of sewing, painting the shed or driving and suddenly my eyes would fill and tears ran down my cheeks.  This was no pity party nor the blues.  This was simply my body's expression of the emotional and spiritual burdens it has faced over the last four years.

I have not shared all my family has been through over this time.  Some of the ailments and sorrows that were mine alone were shared but so much happened to me, to us,  to so many members of my family, that it overwhelmed us at times.   It is difficult enough to deal with our own hurts and heartaches, but I am sure you who have children understand when I say how their adult hurts and struggles are our sorrows and burdens, as well.

The ailments of childhood, the little hurts and wrongs they suffer while growing up that send us wailing to God, are nothing compared to the grown up hurts they face that leave us gasping and reeling as we fall upon our knees.  Sometimes there are no words.  Here we learn the groaning of the Spirit as it seeks to pray for the unthinkable situations.  Here we learn our very finite capacity to help.  Here we have nothing to lean upon but God himself.

But the other night I'd carried all I could, done all I could, relinquished control, fought off worries and fears until I had nothing left in me.  When John called home, I told him "I can't do this anymore.  I'm tired, deep down tired.  I need relief."   He had no answer.  No platitudes.  He too has been wearied by all that has been pitched at us, striking us.  He's seen the relationships that have broken for no reason we can explain, he's watched as one great wave after another has threatened to wash away every thing in the life of one child or another, he's seen how another struggles daily, he's experienced the tearful phone calls from children who have nowhere else to turn.  And he knows how often we've had to go before God and lay it down, saying, "I can do nothing.   I've prayed.  I've tried to help.  I've done all I can.   Here.  This is Yours."

Making that decision, choosing to make that sacrifice of hurt and worry and fear, that too is part of Sabbath in our home at times.

But this week, it was almost as it ought to have been.  No the bread was not exactly fresh, but it was fashioned by my hand.  My home was clean and my heart prepared for this moment of accepting the gift God has given us at the end of each week.  A stopping place.  A time of rest.  A freedom from burdens.

Baruch hashem Adonai...
Blessed are you oh Lord, our God

Sunday:  The Middle Window by Elizabeth Goudge has been my companion this weekend.  I started the book two, perhaps three, weeks ago but reading then was tedious, not because I hadn't time but because books do seem to command that the time be right for the reading of them.  The lines will blur, the story not 'catch', the characters be dull as used dishwater until that right moment is struck and then the light breaks fully upon the words and the book absorbs you into it's pages, the characters speak in voices all their own inside your mind and you can see and hear and experienc the book as a sort of life within a life.

That happened to me Friday night, after setting the book aside and starting another where I found the going easier, but the sense of timing was off and so I came back to this one.

I was reminded of a passage near the beginning of the book this morning as I sat on the front porch watching the sky brighten and listened to the birds trilling morning greetings to the world.  The main character had done much the same in the old house where she'd come to spend the summer.  I connected with her in a very real way.

My intention to slip back off to bed, once the dogs were fed, faded.  I read a bit.   I did a bit of housework, starting a load of dishes and picking up a few things, then I settled into my chair and read another chapter of the book.  Then up once more to strip the bed, and wipe the counters, to clean the grill grate and start the afghan on a gentle wash cycle before reading another chapter.

No hard tasks today but there are tasks to be done: the sheets and towels hung to dry, the bed remade.  The dishwasher unloaded.  Maybe a batch of both bagels and bread to be made.  The refrigerator to be cleared and meals to be planned.  The bill box emptied and checks written.

The book insists on weaving in and out of my routine today and I shall happily let it be so.   It is to be that sort of day, where I slip from my lovely homey world into the Scottish highlands and then back again.

Monday:  No meal plan.  No zone work per se.  I have decided to let July be what it is.  Mostly I want to conquer that July goal list.  To that end, the book case was sorted yesterday and looks much better.  I pieced together six fresh outfits using Pinterest as inspiration.   Then I settled to work on transferring notes from an old notebook to the genealogy pages.  There's a task I oughtn't have put off so long!

This morning I jumped out of bed thinking it was 7:30.  It was 6:30am.  The sun was bright and I needed to plan breakfast and there was that book, just 20 pages from being finished...So easy to make the decision to get busy while I waited on the coffee to brew.  I mixed up Peach pancakes and set up the griddle.  I fed the dogs and settled in my chair with the first cup of coffee and finished the book long before John called to say he was on his way home.

I spent the morning doing light housework chores: making bed, sweeping floors, clearing breakfast dishes, sweeping porches, that sort of thing.   Then I did that big freezer/pantry inventory.

I am well pleased with the results of that inventory.  Yes, there were low spots and outages but I can count them all on one hand.  The freezers contained a nice variety of meats, few of my faux 'savings', where in a fit of thrift I toss something into the freezer planning to use it later...  I tossed brown rice and some cooked broccoli that was frost bitten.  Not much waste  this go round thankfully.  As I told John when I was all done, I can sincerely say that I've got a good basic stock of foods, a few extras that will make life pleasant and aside from milk, eggs, produce and those few outages...I would say that I've got a good solid three-four month supply of foods on hand for three meals a day.

While sorting out the pantry, I discovered a shelf stable packet of filled ravioli that expired next week.  I set it aside and served that for lunch today with marinara sauce over the top (also pantry item) and a green salad.  It was simple but good and I'll definitely look for more of those to keep on hand.

We rode down to John's workplace to pick up his check, do banking, drop mail.   We also picked up our incoming mail and took off trash.  Y'all know how I like to make my trips out of the house count!  John took a long way home, over parts of his work county and our home county that we don't see on a daily basis.  It's really lovely deep rolling hills to the southwest of us and always a pleasure to drive and see the longer views over the woodland.  

I asked him to go by Subway when we got to the county seat.  We haven't had a cold cut trio sandwich in a long time and if I am along on these pay day runs I like to pick up supper out.  It's going to be about our only treat this pay period because we have spent enough on extra things over the past months, let alone the last few weeks.  

After my freezer and pantry inventory my grocery list for this pay period will be produce, dairy and bread.  I may try to pick up one of each of the absolutely out items from the pantry.   And snack foods, though we're really trimming that back as well.  A bag of chips now lasts us upwards of three weeks or so.  Still, if they are wanted by John, I would like to have a bag tucked away.  My one splurge will be fresh peaches.  The first lot I bought this season were shared with Mama, Bess, Katie and of course John and I are eating them as well.

I must relate something that happened this afternoon.  I'd gone out to empty the compost and thought I'd refill a water bucket on the patio that had gotten a bit low.  I noticed the swamp iris were looking a little bit wilted so I thought I'd water the rose and lilies and hydrangea.   Maddie watched me do all this and then as I came back around to the back steps I heard a clatter.  I found her standing at the water bucket there at the back spigot.  She looked at me and then pushed the bucket with her nose and looked at me again.  The bucket was obviously empty...And to think that I sometimes think she is not the brightest dog.  Yes, I filled it up  for her.

Wednesday:  A hateful sort of night that lasted forever last night.  How is it that you can both sleep and not sleep, rest and yet feel tense and tired.  I woke several times, fully awake and lay there wondering what time it was and if the alarm clock were about to go off.  I got up at 3:30 thinking surely any minute now it should ring and then went off back to sleep to dream of my ex-husband.  John awoke me getting up and starting his morning routine and when I checked the clock it was but 4:30.  I tried in vain to go fully back to sleep but curse the sandman for playing foul all night long.

I'd love to have said I'd crawl back into bed once John was gone but I could tell how fully awake I was when I got up at 5:15 to pack his lunch and prepare his breakfast.  Blast sleep anyway!

But then as John was leaving this morning, I noticed the pink ribbons of sunrise in the clouds and was glad that I wasn't going back to bed.  Instead, I stood at the kitchen window watching that glory as it turned from pink to lilac and then gray.  I went out on the front porch to feed the cat and dogs who were waiting for me.   I sat in my chair and listened to the grieving of the mourning doves and the twitter of birds and the murmur of voices in the peach orchard across the road.  Someone started to sing.

The day begins and all who are in it rejoice.

Thursday:

Happy Independence Day!
Friday:
Frugal things this week and just general chatter:

I found one of the apples in the bowl had gotten very bruised and too soft to salvage.   I put it in the compost, but the other three were useable.  However, I knew John would not eat them as they were.  He's a bit of a fruit snob when it comes to appearances.  I washed and diced them and made about 1 1/2 cups of fresh applesauce out of them.  I never put sugar in mine but will serve with either graham crackers or ginger snaps with a splodge of whipped cream on top of the sauce.  Always a refreshing cooling dessert in summer.

John asked why I didn't just go buy a dozen cupcakes for July 4th with the family.  At $7.99 a half dozen...any guesses as to why I chose to bake?  I used the simple one bowl, one layer Dinette Cake recipe.  I  added in about 3 tablespoons of the red, white and blue sprinkles I got at 99c last year on clearance after the holiday.  Then I frosted the cake with a simple vanilla frosting and sprinkles.  No strawberries for our cakes.  Katie is allergic to them and should she want a piece I'd like her to be able to have a slice.

The cake recipe calls for cake flour.  I usually just reduce the flour by 1/4 cup which is instructed in the cookbook on the  recipe.  I've seen of late that a substitute for cake flour is to reduce the regular flour and substitute an equal amount of cornstarch.   I gave it a try... Honestly, I won't waste my time doing that again.  It didn't improve the texture in the least.

The cake was a huge hit with Josh who was delighted that we had a special cake.  He kept saying, "But it's nobody's birthday!" and we told him "Oh yes it is!  It's the birthday of the United States!"  I wondered a little why he wouldn't know that but then remembered that he's not in school this time of year so all those lovely coloring sheets for special days don't get done for Independence Day and no one has ever explained it all to him.   He's getting older...Had it not been for a discussion earlier that he is currently at the stage where death means something to him and had been found crying over his great great grandfather whom he never knew, lol, I'd have told him of the many times great grandfathers who fought in this war of Independence.

I bought only hot dog buns and chips for the cookout.  Sam and Bess supplied a huge watermelon.  I mixed up lemonade from the bottle of juice I had in the fridge and then sliced a fresh lemon into it for added flavor.   We had a variety of hot dogs in the freezer as well as Italian sausages so I thawed those to grill for our meal.  Baked beans came from the pantry shelf.

Sam left a quarter of watermelon here.  It was an excellent melon, crisp and sugary and the rind cracked nicely when I inserted the knife.

Wednesday as I left home to go grocery shopping, I saw two wicker chairs by the side of the road in front of a neighbor's house.  We have no rural trash pick up here so I wondered if they were free to a good home.  Still there when I came back.   Thursday morning when Katie came in, I asked her if the chairs were still there.  She said "Yeah they are...I was looking at them.  One is a rocker."  I'd noted that, too.   So we hopped in the car Thursday morning and rode over to inquire if they were indeed free.  No one would come to the door but  as they were positioned literally next to the busy highway, they were likely meant for pickup by anyone who cared for them.  I brought them home.  They are both nice and sturdy, but flaking paint and a few of the vinyl  pieces are broken but nothing that can't be worked around.   Katie will take the rocker for her nursery.  I'll keep the wicker chair here.  I think I want to put it in the kitchen sitting area and will move the little armless chair to the bedroom once again.  Both these wicker chairs will need a nice deep tufted cushion for the seats.

John and I were out for a little while today.  I know what our bank balance says and I know too what my husband has to say about any protests I might make when he's determined to shop.  "What are we working for?"  We made our trip count: taking off trash, stopping to buy stamps at the post office, then over to Lowe's where he got gray caulking to put around the access door frame on the foundation of the house, wasp spray, ant spray and paint for the wicker chair I picked up yesterday.  Pale pink, by the way.  And one more can of Cherry Red so I can put a coat of paint on that wagon John brought me a couple of weeks ago.   I also got two red mandevilla vines to plant in a hanging basket for the other side of the front porch.

Then John surprised me by taking me across the roadway to the Mexican Restaurant.  I like eating there but we seldom do so together.  John swears every time he plans to go there it's closed.  It's not closed.  He just picks low business hours usually.

We walked down to Publix.  Did I need more grocery?  Yes, and no.  I bought water and Powerade multipacks for John to keep at work.  I can't fit all he needs into his skinny little lunch bag but he keeps a trunk type locker at work and he has non-perishable foods in it as well as a few necessary items like a blanket and a sheet for the bed in his room.   The kids had decided they wanted Cokes yesterday and I'd forgotten to get a big bottle, so they hit up our little 8 pack.  I knew we'd need more.  John wants one small soda every day and again, what are we working for if he can't have a little of what he wants?  I got a roll for tonight's Shabat and pain relievers (Tylenol and baby aspirin).  We didn't toss in any impulse items.  In fact, we put back each extra item we picked up.


Did these tasks from my July goals list:  Sorted out the kitchen cabinets that were irritating me so.  All are nice, neat and organized once again and what is there fits well.  No more stuff tumbling out upon my toes or head.

Sorted out the bookcases.  I culled hard earlier in the year and have no desire to get rid of any more books, but I did neaten the appearance and put books back where they belonged.

Made a deposit to the new savings account and repaid the other account a portion of what we 'borrowed' for the foundation work.  I figure at this rate it's going to take us another 4 months to get this account paid back in full.

Did the pantry/freezer inventory.

I grilled hot dogs.  That's two times this week I've grilled.  Wish I could remember what else I cooked...Oh yes! I cooked steaks on the grill on Saturday.


Meals this week:
Steak, Steamed potatoes, Salad, Brownies
on my own
Ravioli in Marinara Sauce, Salad
Spaghetti Diable, Steamed Zucchini, Green Salad
on my own
Grilled Hot Dogs and Sausages, Buns, Baked Beans, Chips, homemade Fridge Pickles, Cooked Peppers and onions for the sausages,  Watermelon, Holiday cake
Out with John

And so ends our first week of July...