Changing the Financial Mindset Part II

 

I left off in my story where I, as a single mom, proudly paid John back every penny he paid out on my behalf in that year of unemployment.  But I was by no means the smartest thing financially at that point in my life, and I'd be remiss not to share the 'Rest of the Story' as the late Paul Harvey used to say.

John was the sort of man who always had a big jar of change hanging around and a little cash tucked away and there were times during that season of unemployment when he'd tell me to take some of that to go by the necessary extra milk and bread or a pair of shoes for Katie.  That was a revelation to me, what it meant to have cash on hand.  I never had had any, and indeed during that first year of our relationship the cable got turned off Super Bowl weekend because I didn't have enough money to buy a stamp.  I had the check in hand but no money for a stamp and rather than ask him to buy one, I did without.  I was foolish.  The cost to have the service reconnected was 200 times what a stamp cost back then.

We had quite a few words over that.  I felt I was in the right at the time until I had to pay that reconnect fee.  What a silly lesson I'd set myself to learn!

Life went on.  We both worked decent jobs, and John bought one car and we financed another.  We were slowly but steadily improving.  The day came when we were ready to look for a home of our own and we diligently began the search, viewing houses, looking at land and at doublewides.  Mama had been given half the land of Granny's place and she agreed to sell us 1 acre.  I was over the moon.  It took (through no fault of hers) over 8 months to get the deed.  When we had the deed in hand I discovered we had quite a few acres more, about 9 in total.

We began to eagerly search for a doublewide to put on the property.  We finally found the one we wanted and we were approved for the loan and we began the process.    I was so excited about the house but goodness all the ancillary things that had to come with it were costly.   Well, septic system, drain field for the septic tank, land to be cleared, a driveway to be made, electric poles and running connection to electricity and phone lines, someone to dig a water line and on and on it seemed to go.   We had quite a few small loans when we started getting this place together, plus a car and a house payment and rent, too!   

At that time, I was working with a friend and was rolling in money and I mean that quite seriously.   He had his own business and was in the height of his busy season.  I was paid a commission for every appointment and getting an appointment set was easy peasy during that time.   I paid off loans as quick as I could and in the end, besides the house and car payments, we had only the loan on the well to keep paying when the hot streak on the job ended and I found myself receiving two Bass for two weeks of work...Unfortunately my car didn't run on fish and when the next pay period came and went with only one fish for pay, John insisted it was time to quit  and find a 'real' job, at least one that paid out in proper checks at the end of the pay period!

So I moved into a new job and eventually left that job as I explained in an earlier post, because someone needed to take care of children at home.  

Now here's where the next hard financial lessons came in.  Though I'd saved us money in reducing the car insurance, things had to change on other fronts.  Leaving home at 7am and not getting in until 8p often meant we'd relied on whatever shopping I had done that evening for a meal, or we'd bring home takeout.   I had to learn all over again how to shop for groceries and how to make what we bought last.   I wasn't at the same level of frugal I am now where I think nothing of making bread...I was still at the stage where the cheapest I could buy was the best I could do.  One thing about living here and not working out of town was that there was NO fast food option or delivery. 

Amie got a job about 40 minutes from home.  I drove her to work, came home and drove back to pick her up and bring her home.  This went on for roughly seven days a week with hours that often meant I was out of bed and home around 5am and picking her up as soon as the children were in off the bus that afternoon.  

During those days, I often ran out of some needed item in the grocery department.  Not ice cream or chips but milk or eggs or bread.  There were days I was so weary.   And if I ran in to get milk and eggs or bread there were invariably impulse items or frozen food items that were meant to ease my weariness and help me get a meal on the table...Or fast food since I was in two towns with lots of options.

John was paying all the bills in those days and I still wasn't carrying any cash or even a check with me.   Our bank finally insisted we get debit cards.  They were very savvy about it.  They CHARGED us each month for NOT having one and using it.  For me, it was like turning a child loose with a box of matches.  Suddenly, I had ready money on me.  Not only that, I had a means of spending that John couldn't check up on and fuss over.  Because he didn't check the bank statement and we couldn't access our account online, and no checks were gone from the register he had no clue I might have bought an extra $10-$30 worth of groceries that week.  

At first I kept up with it and made sure it got entered in the checkbook, in a sort of Rob Peter to Pay Paul scenario.  It came out of my grocery budget but it came from the next week's...So I started that week with a deficit and at the end of that pay period, I was borrowing off the next week's.

That became a very slippery slope.   Over a couple of years time, I neatly and quietly overspent our account by about $2500.    The balance that John had patiently and diligently built up over the years was eaten away almost entirely.  Every now and then I'd get a gift of money or earn a tiny bit or save my pitiful little allowance and I'd throw it all at the balance and cut groceries super hard and I'd start to rebuild it.  But then we wouldn't have something necessary and I'd be out of budget and I'd fall right back into my bad habit of buy now and answer for it later.

I won't tell you I did this without my conscience eating me up.  No indeed.  This began a period of time when I lived on the adrenaline of anxiety in overdrive.  I would wake at night filled with dread. I lay awake nights and planned how I could repay the account.  I thought about it all day long. I was obsessed with 'finding' money to throw at that sunken balance.

At one point, Mama suggested we take a trip with my niece and Katie.  We'd go into the mountains and enjoy a two day trip.  I agreed far too quickly for what could only have been misery.  Mama and my niece have as dysfunctional a relationship as I have with her and mine alone was reason enough to say "No thank you."  But the idea of escaping the troubles I'd created for even two days was so appealing.  

Providentially, the bank statement arrived the day before we left.  I tucked it away, secure in the fact that John, who never looked at it anyway, wouldn't pick it up and learn the cold hard facts.  

The room we stayed in overlooked a main street and right directly in front of the bed and breakfast was a branch of my bank.  Misery filled me every single time I dared glance at that window or we left that B&B...I hadn't gotten away from my troubles at all.  They were with me where ever I went.

About a month later, John and I went to the bank to conduct some business and we were sitting in the officer's office when he casually asked her "How much is in the account?  About $xxxx..." and she looked at him and laughed and said "$xxx."  He said "You sure?" and when she said "Yes", he didn't say a word but I could see the climax had arrived. I took a slip of paper and wrote on it, "It's true....please don't say anything just now."  He read the note and put it in his pocket.

Can you imagine?  Can you?  Neither can I now.  My ears and cheeks burn remembering how stupid I'd been, how much I was willing to risk for an extra gallon of milk here or a bag of produce there or a stupid frozen pizza.  At no point was it his fault, nor were we about to go hungry.  It was just that I still lived in the land of dread of  fussing over money and rather than say I needed or wanted those extra  things, I'd stupidly and blindly  put myself into a situation that risked everything instead of facing my old fears and wrestling the damned things down.

What happened?

Once in the car, away from any witnesses, I made a complete confession.  "I did it.  It started out small and got out of hand and I couldn't catch it up no matter how I tried."   "WHY didn't you tell me?   Why couldn't you say, "I can't manage on this budget." ?"   I hung my head and said " I thought you'd leave me..."   Only my absolute misery convinced him I was telling the truth.  And yes, that's how sick my mind own mind was in regards to money.  It was stronger than a marriage...  I added "I'm turning over my debit card.  I'm never touching the checkbook again!  I'm no good with money, I'm just not and it's not fair to us..."   And that's when my husband yelled at me.  He pulled over to the side of the road and yelled "What?!  You think I'd let you off that easy?  No!  You're going to learn to handle money and handle it well!   What kind of husband would I be if I didn't teach you to take care of yourself?!"

I'd always been with John when it was bill paying time.  It wasn't a one man affair but now he actively involved me.  We discussed, and we 'discussed' if you know what I mean, why I'd spent money where I did and what I bought when I spent.  I hated every single minute of it.  It was a rare day not to burst into tears on bill paying nights.  Not because I hoped to manipulate him around to my way of thinking but because of my sheer frustration and absolute dread of having to explain myself.   But there were positives as well.  I began to see clearly that there were areas we might improve upon, areas I'd never before dealt with.  "Why can't we divide annual fees into monthly payments and set the money aside that way?", I'd ask.  "Then savings wouldn't have to be touched..."  "Why can't we start writing down charges from the gas and credit card as though they were already gone?"   

John would look at me and say, "We can try..." and we found those things worked.  When he complained that some item he wanted wasn't in the cupboard I'd point out that my budget was gone.  I'd offer him the option of waiting until next pay period or going to buy it now.     When I wanted to do a little shopping now and then of the non-grocery kind, it was John who suggested I start a "shopping fund".   We agreed on a discretionary spending limit of $50 each.  No fussing over sums under $50 but asking each other before we spent more than $50.  

We also agreed upon a cash allowance and I did leave debit and credit cards and checkbook at home and when my cash was gone it was gone.  Mama wanted someone to clean her house and I offered to take the job. I cleaned her house twice a month.  Half the money was mine to do with what I willed and the other half was used for groceries or household necessities.

And then one day, John didn't feel like tending to the bills.  "Can't you just do it tonight?" he asked.  So I sat down and made out checks and paid the bills and totaled up the checkbook all on my own.  Due to his job hours, it became easier on paydays for him to simply deposit his check and then call me to tell me how much it was.  When he came in from work, the bills were done.  I took great pride in showing him how I'd saved little sums here and there that added up to bigger sums.  

He didn't just blindly turn it over to me.  No indeed.  For this I'm glad.  Our bank progressed to online statements and he checks the balance pretty regularly.  He sometimes asks "Who did you write that check to?  Why is this sum of money going out?"  But the confrontational scenes between us decreased dramatically over the years because I had learned.

And the proudest day of my life came when he told someone, "I used to wonder how Terri would fare if anything happened to me, but I'm so proud that she's learned to take care of herself.  She can go toe to toe with anyone she's gotten so smart about our money!"

There are months when it feels like our funds are water and I can't hold onto them no matter how I try.  We've just been through such a season of time. I was talking to John about it yesterday.  He nodded in understanding, but we both knew there was nothing I could have done to hold on to it.  What was spent was necessary.   We've had to put money into mower parts and cars and plumbing and appliance needs. We've had unexpected bills and unexpected increases in expenses.  But we're weathering the storm with a decent balance under us still and not touching our savings (though stimulus money did help prevent that!).

I'm not perfect. I still struggle at trying to keep to a grocery budget.  We could perhaps get by with less than what I spend, however I do more than I've ever done to save money and John clearly sees that.  We've been spending roughly the same amount now for the past ten years and each time prices increase I find a new way to save so we can stay near the budget we mean to keep.

There are days when I want to just walk into a store and shop for the sheer pleasure of buying something new.  I want new things for my home to replace some of the worn out things we have.  I want...but I know that what we have is what we have and with patience something new will eventually be mine.  

I've learned to appreciate most that what we have is OURS.  No one can ever have cause to walk into my home and demand I give up anything new I do have.  I remember that happening when I was a child of 3.  Men walked into our house and took out all the nice new furnishings my parents had.  Yes, and Daddy lost his job, too, because you weren't reliable if you'd gone into bankruptcy in those days.

And yes, if John were to go before I, I know now that I can truly manage on my own.  I know to play for keeps with my financial standing and not to be foolish.

One last thing. I 've shared this testimony before and I'll keep sharing it because some one of you is not being truthful with your partner or spouse.  You've dug yourselves into a hole and you're sick of living the lie.  I don't know how or why you are there.  I do know that you have every desire to change.

Start with a confession.  Don't want until your other half finds out on their own as I did.  John is an exceptional man but I did hurt the trust between us.  I urge you to STOP what you're doing and come clean.  If that is absolutely not possible and I do realize that some situations won't be helped with a confession then STOP the behavior and get yourself square.  Go find a financially responsible person you can trust, who you will allow to hold you accountable,  who will help you to find ways out of the situation you've gotten yourself into.  Learn to budget wisely and stick to it.  Earn extra money if you must. You can live free of this tangled mess you've gotten yourself into.  You can.