Coffee Chat: Thinking Out Loud

Hello dears.  How are you?  I figured I owed you all a nice chat especially as this month is short and quick, and secondly because I've been sharing a lot of my frustration/weariness/overwhelm of late and I thought it would be nice to have a less stressful chat.  I don't know about you, but I do loathe those who are always negative and complaining.  I don't mind listening to anyone going through a tough time, but eventually the negativity and complaining can become a nasty habit and you're caught right in the middle of it before you know it.  I don't want to be that person.  

I shared a couple of weeks ago that I'd been doing a lot of thinking lately and that's the truth.  I thought I'd evolve that thinking into a series of new posts, but it didn't happen.  So, this will be a substitute.   I call it thinking out loud when I write out my thoughts even though I'm not physically saying anything. I'll start at the beginning and share first why I didn't write.

I've had a harder and harder time writing lately because someone gave a critique meant to be helpful.  His is criticism I take seriously because he never wants to squash creativity in anyone. He said that while my writings (not the frugal posts which I hadn't shared) had emotional power, they didn't promote beauty.   He felt I should strive harder to find the beauty in the raw emotions I felt and share that instead.  He meant it kindly and as instruction. Nicely meant, but it has hindered me in writing much because I don't know quite how to go from point A to point B.   I tried.  I'd freeze so I'd just not write anything at all.

How do I share the truth of my feelings, the harder ones, and at the same time make it beautiful when it's anything but?   I've tried in my weekly posts to balance frustration with gratitude and weariness with optimism for the next day and pain with love but there are days that are just plain damned hard and hurtful and wearying when I can't see those balancing positive sides much less find ways to show them to you. So rather than write as much as in the past, I have written less.  It was not and is not Caleb who keeps me from writing, not entirely.  Granted there are moments of inspiration lost but that's because I didn't bother to make notes about the inspirations during the day.  I seldom ever wrote during the early part of the day.  I almost always settled down at nap times (which are apparently a thing of the past and only there can I point to Caleb as being the cause) or after the start of an evening when Caleb would be home anyway.  Life while keeping Caleb is challenging enough but he doesn't really prevent my writing, only working in the house and yard as I used to do. 

To get back on track, I've struggled with writing.  I've wanted to be honest about my feelings, not to sugar coat my life or polish it to plastic perfection.   I was and am fairly certain that something in my angst, pain, frustration would resonate with other women in similar family/life situations.  I wanted to be REAL.  But not ugly.  I just couldn't figure out how to makeover the ugly into something that was uplifting but not fake.

I polished up my life with Penny Ann Poundwise.  I hid all my messy bits behind that persona.  She was my ideal:  a perfect homemaker, loving and loyal mom, daughter and wife.  She influenced me greatly but, in the end, perfection wasn't all of me.  I was improved, better, but not perfected.  I am flawed.  I struggle in my marriage, with my family relations, with my own mental/emotional/spiritual being.  My family is a real family.  I have words with my husband.  Sometimes he's got things to say that hurt and sometimes I do.  I don't share an argument I've had with him because that's between us, but I might share the fallout of my emotions.  If you're married, you know these moments of upset, too.  I sometimes struggle with my adult children on various points.  That's understood.  If you have children, you'll know all about that, too.  But I won't share the details of what was said or why it went on because frankly, that's their business and it's private.   I try only to share what is genuinely mine.  My feelings, my doubts, my fears, my frustrations, my misunderstandings.   

I want always to strive to be better, to do/respond better, to be kind and caring and compassionate, but at the same time, I am a work in progress. I'm not prettily perfect and that is a fact.  I progress in one area and then turn around and look back and I realize there are a whole lot of other areas that haven't caught up yet.  So, I've been thinking a lot about all of that and wondering how I can share in a better way.  And it turns out that at the moment, I can't.  I can share but I can't make it pretty, or I cannot share and say nothing.  It's one or the other at present.  In order to have some sort of real connection with those of you who read, I would rather share.  Again, I know that somewhere out there another one of you is going through something similar or will go through something similar.  It's the way life is.  It helps tremendously to know that we're not alone in those moments, that it's not just a fault in ourselves only or in only our marriage or only our family.  It's just LIFE.

Conni said the other day that perhaps I was missing the creative in my life.  I thought of the hours spent in the kitchen figuring out how to make something from what I already had on hand, rather than waste it.  That's creative!  Well, yes, it is and no, it's not.  It is creative to figure out how to use up leftovers and bits and bobs to create a wholly different meal but at the same time, it's necessary if I'm to avoid boredom as well as kitchen waste.  

I thought, Oh but I'm writing two posts a week, that's creative.  It isn't really.  In my weekly posts I'm merely journaling my days, the one sharing what I hope I can accomplish in a week and the other sharing what I do accomplish each day.  It's not creative, not really.   And that comes back to the lack of other posts.  The inspirations that died, the posts I didn't write because I couldn't make them beautiful... It seems to me that being fully creative should be something I don't have to do like the kitchen work nor the daily diary which really is just a note without deeper thought, but creative things ought to be things I want to do because it feeds my soul.  

I told Conni that I felt the lack of time alone was also a hindrance.

Why can't I kill two birds with one stone and go into the office/craft room each day (or on certain days of the week) and sit there for a half hour and sew or do something artsy?  A project doesn't have to be started and finished at one go, does it?  It is an idea, to gain that quiet space alone and at the same time feed that creative muse a little.  

At the moment, I'm in desperate need of bookmarks, pretty ones that I will want to use.    I enjoyed making pretty cards with the seed catalogs back in the fall.  I need some cards that are better suited to men and boys.  Perhaps I could take time to do that, too.

I used to take a lot of photos, especially to use on the blog and to make into calendars and cards, etc.  I don't have a camera anymore, but my latest phone has a really good camera, and it has all kinds of settings I can experiment and play with.  I miss walking about my yard and home looking for pretty vignettes, natural beauties, etc.  I'm not great at photography but now and then I slip up and catch something really lovely.  I want to do that once again.

I've been thinking about my appearance which I've already shared in one of my diary posts.  Taking time each day to do my hair, put on makeup, try to keep my hands looking nice, toss those heavily stained, ill fitting, and ragged looking tops from my house clothes drawer, etc.

I wore makeup today (Wednesday) and Tuesday but not at all on Monday.   I wore it all weekend long. Taking those days as an experiment I can say sincerely that the difference in how I felt on those days when I wore makeup and the day when I didn't was worlds apart. It's more than worthwhile for me to take that time each morning to make my appearance neat.    I don't need to do the whole concealer, foundation, blush, shadow, lipstick routine but I admit I feel best when I do.  Just tinted moisturizer, lip balm, brows and mascara are enough to make me feel I look nice while at home though. You know in the end, it only takes four minutes or less.  I'm worth four minutes of my own time!

I gave myself a manicure on Saturday and though three nails chipped badly, I redid those and have kept a decent manicure for five days now.  Will I polish my nails every week?  Probably not, but maybe.  I'd really like to do so.  I like the look of polished nails on a woman.  I think it adds something rather nice, but I work hard with my hands especially during the work week and polish isn't going to last through the work.  I can make sure my nails are even and not ragged, that cuticles are pushed back and skin moisturized.  I can try to keep them polished and nice on weekends.  That too goes a long way towards improving appearance without a lot of fuss.  

John complimented me yesterday when I came out of the room after dressing to go out.  "We're only going shopping for dog food!"  I nodded and said "I know it, but I wanted to look nice.  I've felt such a hag lately..." John said "Well, as long as you don't act like one, we're okay!"  His was a good reminder that no amount of makeup will cover a hateful or baleful attitude.   Beauty truly does start within, and no amount of concealer or polish is going to cover those blemishes of character!  

I'm hard on my clothes, which is why I have 'at home' clothing and nicer things that I wear when I'm leaving the house.  I see women who wear really nice clothes at home.  I wish I could be one of those women, but if there's ink or paint or grease anywhere about, it's on my clothing.    I need to cultivate the habit of wearing aprons about the house.  I love the look of aprons and I have two or three that are nice.  I have had a great desire to make pretty aprons (oooh!  Here's another creative outlet idea...I keep buying fabric cuts that I could use to make pretty aprons!).  I never remember to put an apron on each morning when I walk into the kitchen.  It's another habit I need to cultivate.

So, there are a few of my thoughts: write a little more often and not just focused on finances and food; improve my appearance in multiples of ways; pursue creative outlets...

Can I add more?  Music, lovely music.  I go through stages where I listen to really lovely music and then I don't.  I feel it keenly when I don't have beautiful or uplifting music for a few moments each day.  

Flowers.  This time of year, I really feel the lack of flowers.  I've got my houseplants that I attend and enjoy but most of those have already bloomed or won't bloom at all.  I've kept flowers in the house these past few weeks.  Fortunately, it's cool so they last well this time of year.  

Reading.  I've been reading and reading and reading.  I've indulged in some new books, but not a great many.  I continue to stick to my self-imposed monthly limit, but I often didn't buy books last year.  I felt I didn't want to add to my unread stacks, but now I am plowing through books.  

Journaling.  This I have neglected.  I have my daily diary that I share with you all, but where do I put those incidents, moments, griefs that I can't share right away or at all?   I've been stuffing them back down inside until they are packed tight and overflow.  I can prevent the overflow by writing those things out.  I know this.  I've often come upon solutions as I was writing in my journal, or revelations that helped me to understand myself or another far better.  It's a valuable tool that I really really need to employ more diligently once again.

Daily Bible reading and Prayer time.   I've prayed.  At the odd hour at night when I'm awake or as I'm standing at the sink or sitting on the edge of the bed pleading for help of any kind to come...I pray for those I've said I'd carry in prayer, but I've not been as faithful in it as I was before.   I don't feel I've fallen away or that God is far away.  I think if I feel anything at all it's an urging to rest.  But I admit that I didn't expect to take an extended rest from study and prayer.  I'm reading a little Bible most days, but I've kept it simple.  A chapter of a book, or a psalm and nothing more, not the intensive sort of reading I've done for years now.

What else shall I share?  No post of mine is complete without mentioning the natural world around me.  Last week, as we came across the river swamp, I noted that the trees are putting out their first blooms.  Winter is nearly two thirds past and spring is coming.  These first blooms which come in winter are lovely but there will be a second and sometimes third bloom that comes upon the trees before we arrive at the tiny green leaves which make my heart ache so for the loveliness of them.

Another sign that Spring comes nearer?  The geese have been flying overhead in vast quantities today, great deep vees of them.  I missed hearing them fly south this year, but I'm hearing them now as they fly back north.  It makes me smile each time I hear them overhead.  I'm glad it's so warm today we can have the windows open because it means I can do my jobs here inside and know that they are overhead.

There are blooming daffodils at roadside and around old home sites.  I have one lonely white bloom in the back yard at the moment.  Others are up but not yet ready to bud, much less bloom.  I am reminded each winter that I really must buy more daffodils and plant them in my yard because I love them so.  To see those yellow flowers nodding in a winter breeze, to smell their scent when I bring them in from the cold to sit in a cobalt glass on the kitchen windowsill is as good as any promise of things to come in the season ahead.   Daffodils fill me with hope.  

I checked my plants I'd been keeping wintering over in the plastic bin outdoors.  That method worked brilliantly for me last year.  This year, I slipped up one night, forgot the plants and they got a light frosting.  I lost most all of them.  I have one Mandevilla that is still green and one Kalanchoe left and three tiny begonias I rooted from last year's basket.  Everything else turned brown and died.  I'll buy another Mandevilla but I won't replace the Kalanchoe with a new purchase.  

I rooted all of those pots of Kalanchoe off the one big plant which is the one that survived the frost.  I'll just take cuttings and poke them in pots of dirt to root more plants.  Truth is I'm not terribly fond of Kalanchoe but they are easily grown and usually they winter over very well in my makeshift greenhouse if I remember to cover them when it's freezing.

I'll end here for today.   Oh, one last thing.   Anne sent me a message saying the link to Amazon on the side bar didn't work for her at all.  She'd wanted to go through my link to make a purchase.   I can do some things from my side that take me to Amazon, but it didn't work on her device at all.   I promised her I'd include a link at the bottom of each post from now.

Amazon Affiliate Link: https://amzn.to/3LJmWzK  I earn a small commission on certain items you might like to order.  It does not in any way affect the cost of the product for you.   Thank you for shopping through my link.

I have put a footer at the end of the blog page where you can copy/paste the link and load it into your web address bar.  It should carry you right to the Amazon home page.  Y'all please let me know if that works for you.