Coffee Chat: Here's to a New Year

Hello dearies.  Do come in and let us sit and have a chat.  I haven't a thing sweet to offer but there's loads to choose from for drinks.  There's coffee and plenty of the flavored sorts if you'd like them: Pumpkin Spice, Vanilla Caramel, and Peppermint Cream as well as the plain coffee.  There's a variety of tea: Peppermint, Darjeeling, Lapsang Souchong, Peach, English Breakfast, Vanilla.  There's milk and lemon and sugar to choose from if you care to add anything to those.

John, as usual has sworn off sugary treats and sodas for the coming fast and while I have not, I don't keep loads of sweets on hand when John is fasting.  It doesn't stop me eating sweets, but I don't flaunt it.  Which means that I try to choose raisins or something first and when I think I can't bear being without chocolate I get a tablespoon of chocolate chips.  

I am fasting too in my own way and it's not easy things I've chosen.  I've made mention of my intention to not complain or whine...Gracious, just try being in a grouse-y sort of mood and yet not utter a complaint, lol.  It's come out in tears but one day in...I know!  One day isn't even the tip of the iceberg but I'll take the victory where I've managed to make one. 

I'm feeling far less deflated than I did in December.  

I've been feeling so energized and ready to face a whole new year.  Now I know full well that this year can be just as cantankerous and ornery as the last three if it so chooses, but somehow, I can't help but feel fully optimistic when the new year rolls about.  But then again, I am naturally optimistic.  John says that if he could use one word to describe me it would be 'optimist' because I am so determined to see the silver linings in the dark things.  Well, I lost my way for a bit there.  I truly believe because I was so stressed and overwhelmed and overly tired.  What I did was all necessary and needed but it took its toll on me and hence I was down all through the holidays right from before Thanksgiving until Christmas Day.

Truth, Christmas Day was the turning point for me.  I never did get that full hearted joyful feeling I find so often at Christmas, but I did have a pleasant and happy one.  Not a gift anywhere since John gifted me in the fall and none of the children typically give gifts to us.  And of course, there was sickness at the house across the field and then here so we all just avoided contact.

But you know it's bad when you're watching videos for a game that should be fun, but you refuse to download it because the characters in the game need you to make life decisions to 'rescue' them and all you can think is "I don't need anyone else needing me right now!"  Nope!  That was not the game I wanted to play.  I had all I could handle in real life; we'll just skip playing along with a game that depletes at the thought of playing.

Never mind.  The new year does fill me with an anticipation and hopefulness that just won't be shut down.  I'll take hold of the hopefulness and enjoy the feeling of it.  

Despite my saying I wouldn't make any resolutions, and I haven't written one down, I can't help but think of things I'd like to add into the new year.  Not to accomplish anything but to make myself feel better.  I was inspired by this paragraph:

In his 1929 book, Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke wrote, "If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself, tell yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches; for to the creator there is no poverty and no poor indifferent place." The quote always grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me into remembering that every day, every moment, is a gift filled with beauty that is mine for the taking.   ~ from the blog The Simple Swan

Just as when Darling Desi suggested we should romanticize our lives last year, I think that living poetically is a form of romantic living.  Quite honestly, I've had about all of the harsh reality I can take.  I'd like a bit of romance, a bit of poetry, a bit of beauty, in my everyday life, wouldn't you?

Some people just seem to have a real knack for beautifying the ordinary everyday things.  Like Nikki at Inspired by Nikki.  It is true that though she shows herself washing dishes or sweeping the floors or wiping down a grungy outdoor table, she just does these things in such a lovely way.  For one thing, she makes herself lovely.  And she moves gracefully.  Do I think her life is perfect?  No.  I think she has cultivated her life in such a way that she just naturally finds the prettiest way to do things.  You can see her aesthetic all over her home, in the colors she uses to decorate and the way she dresses.  Everything is innately feminine.

It's also one reason I love to read The Prudent Homemaker blog.  She takes her little and makes such a lovely bit of living out of it.  I was surprised a couple of years ago to hear that her former living room furniture had gotten really worn out, but she'd never let on about that at all. Not one complaint.  I admired that greatly.   Instead, she showed us the lovely things: flowers grown in her yard, photos of beautifully served but oh so very frugal meals, the loveliest bits of handwork sewing she'd done.  She has chosen to live romantically, gracefully.  Not to hide the faults but simply not to complain over them is a huge thing!

I'd like to think I might live my own life in just such a way.  

I know I've mentioned this in the past but years upon years upon years ago, when I was a stay-at-home mom to two and lived in that rough old house I loved so, I often looked rather pitiful.  I was the mom you saw at school pick-up with her bedroom slippers on and yesterday's mussy clothes and unbrushed hair.  Yes, I was in the midst of that long depression cycle but still...

One day, during a brief encounter with a teacher I somehow saw myself the way she saw me.  It wasn't a thing she said or a sidewise glance or anything rude.  In fact, she was as nice as she could be.   But it was just one of those mysterious times where you find yourself standing outside yourself and you see how things are all too clearly.  As though you were watching a 30 second reel of your own life or something.

I went home that day and thought, "You've got to change something, you can't go on like this.  It's not who you are."  And I meant it.  It wasn't the way I wanted to be, and I didn't want to continue being that person I'd seen myself to be.  I'd let myself get so downhearted over everything that I'd lost my belief in beauty of any sort.

That evening I looked at what I had.  It wasn't much.  I had two shirts and two pairs of pants.  I had a handful of costume jewelry, a pair of flipflops and a pair of shoes.  I had basic and inexpensive makeup.  I didn't think I was especially pretty, but I knew I could be better.  I took inspiration from a high school teacher who had been a mentor of sorts to me over the three years I was in her classes.  She'd really inspired me with her frugality and her loveliness.  I wanted to be something more and I felt sure I could manage it, however limited my resources were.

The next day when I went to pick up my child, my hair was freshly washed and combed.  My makeup was a subtle improvement over my previously haggard appearance.  My shirt was freshly pressed.  I had put on a pair of earrings and my wedding rings.  I looked better than I'd looked in ages upon ages.

For nearly two years I wore one set of clothes and washed the other.   I didn't put on a shirt that wasn't freshly ironed.  I took care to treat those clothes for stains and to make repairs immediately when they were needed.   I didn't leave the house without makeup and freshly brushed hair.  And each time I went out I grew more and more confident.  That paid off in my being asked to be a class mother, a school volunteer, to join a civic club, and eventually led me to seek a bit more education and get a job once the two children were both in school.  In other words, it changed my life.  But I had to start however poor a start it might have been it was enough.

And all I did was simply try to be the best I could right where I was at that moment.

I am not as poor as I was at that time.  I have more resources at my fingertips, but I tend to get caught in a rut.  I've complained a good bit.  I've definitely not been making the most of life!

At no time do I become more aware of it being time to shake myself hard and look at where I am than New Year.  

All that to say that I'm thinking not along the lines of resolutions but of freshening my whole life and trying to bring more beauty into it and making it more enjoyable for myself.  I can become such a drudge at times.  Honestly, I can.  So why not inject some fresh life into all areas and see if I come nearer being my own ideal self?  Leaving off complaining will be a major move.  I'm going to focus and try to speak of the lovely simple things.   Sure, there will still be lacks and hard moments, but I don't have to dwell there.  I'm going to dwell on the lovely sunny side of life.

I want to shake up our meals.  True I'm using the same basic ingredients, but today I found a tasty sounding recipe for a beef chuck roast that is totally different from anything I've ever made.  I found it on the Publix website after reading through the ingredient list in the weekly ad. This Green Chili Roast sounds really good to me.  I know John won't care for the zucchini in the dish, but I can leave it out entirely.  You know zucchini really doesn't have any taste so there will be less bulk in the recipe, but it won't affect flavor. 

I was thinking today of making at least one new recipe a month, something I'd typically not choose to make because it's just different enough from our usual fare...and that made me think of cooking in general and I recalled making Petit Fours for Katie one year.  They were so pretty.  I'd like to do a little bit more difficult cookery than I usually do.  I'm by no means prepared physically or mentally to do a Julie/Julia type thing but there are many recipes I've always wanted to try at least once that just sounded a little difficult or which I haven't made in a long while because it's a higher skill level than I typically want to use in the kitchen.  I thought I'd try one of those sorts of recipes once a month.

Another thought is going to sound a bit macabre at first but stick with me.  I asked myself, "What if I had only months to live?  What would I do that I'm not doing now?"   I'm assuming that my circumstances would be roughly the same.  We'd have enough money to manage our bills and the same family around about and all that.  But what would I do differently?

I'd see more of my family, at least of that side that is near enough to be visited and to visit.  I'd take time to soak up the natural beauty outdoors.  I'd take the drive to see something nearby that has always interested me.  I live within easy riding distance of so many historical areas.  I'd read more.  I'd stop pushing aside the opportunity to experience things in favor of being a drudge.  I'd still want a clean neat home, but I most certainly wouldn't regret the moment I missed mopping the floors, you know?  In other words, I'd want to live more fully.  To make memories.  To read and listen to the music and sit down with others.

And if I did choose mopping the floors, I'd enjoy mopping.  I'd get real satisfaction from the feel of the mop gliding over the floor, in watching the dirty spots come up clean and notice the aroma of the cleaner and how the air moving about dried the floors.   Not being meticulous but simply appreciating the ability to make something look fresh once more.

I'd use the China now and then, wear the perfume every day.  Lie down and nap when I felt tired.  Write those words I so often have tucked in a back corner of my brain...Oh, I'd want to just do all I could to really enjoy life.

So... why do I need a death sentence to do that?  Why not live as though I meant to go on living for a while?  

Good question, huh?

Recently I heard someone voice a deep regret over an incident in their life.  It wasn't a horrible choice as choices go.  It wasn't going to land anyone in jail or unleash evil or anything like that, but it was a choice that had some deep repercussions not only in that person's life but in the life of others.  Some of those repercussions were painful and stressful.  Some were entirely beneficial in ways no one imagined it might be.  As I said, it wasn't a horrible decision, but it changed the whole pattern of more than one life.  When this person stated their desire to turn back the clock, I shook my head. I knew that they couldn't un-do what had been done.  Too much of the pattern had been changed and nothing would have been as it was.

I can only liken it all to this:  whenever we have brought something new, say a piece of furniture, into our home, it has always unsettled everything.  I am quite sincere.  It has what I can only describe as a fruit basket turnover effect on the whole house.  New chairs this year meant the living room had to be rearranged because the new chairs didn't fit the space the same way the old ones had done, even though they were going into the same spot.  That meant that some pieces of furniture went into other rooms where it could serve us better.  That meant that something in those rooms had to be removed and eliminated or repurposed.  Before it was over, every room in the house had been changed in some manner.

When we made the purchase, we had to alter our plans for the year.  And if we were altering our plans, it meant that we began to approach our life in a different way.  If we weren't going to have a vacation, then what would we do instead?  Apparently, we determined we'd work at improving our home and the town house.  So, the first stages of the kitchen renovation were started here, the things that we knew we could do on our own.  That meant rearranging all the contents of the kitchen and doing some deep decluttering in the process.  

We tackled the neglected yard at the town house and that started us working physically harder, in ways I hadn't worked in years.  We lifted and toted and moved more than we have in years.  We got stronger.  We grew to appreciate that even changing a little will alter things considerably and often improve them.

We discovered this all because we bought two new chairs and moved two old ones out.  

We'd completely altered the pattern of our lives.  Well, it's just the same with this person.  A choice was made.  It was the right choice in that moment and though it ended badly, it wasn't necessarily the wrong choice to be made.  The pattern of that life and the lives of others were altered.  For good and bad, a pattern was broken, and a new pattern has begun.  

Yes, at the moment, everything looks to be rack and ruin and it seems there is nothing discernible to indicate what the new pattern might be.  Lives are still shifting and shaping around this whole new thing, but one day, it will be brilliantly obvious that what happened was what was necessary to change us all into something better.

Well lovelies, it's time to stop talking and start doing.  I've lists to make and things to think out on paper which works best for my sort of brain.  I hope we can have another chat soon!

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