Coffee Chat: Time Out


I've written another post entirely prior to this one but I am deleting it, unpublished.  What it has to say I'm not comfortable with in the least and I'm going to try to do better with this one.  

We've got stuff going on. People are hurting and angry and apparently have been holding on to resentments long term that might have been resolved if talked over.  They weren't.  There are other very painful things that have occurred recently that must undoubtedly add to the complexity of the personal relationships and so there was a big to do, one of the kinds that does a lot of harm and leaves no survivors.  I've done my share of grieving over these things, offered my apology, but it has been rejected because there is much else that concerns them more, as well they might.  

So, John and I spent all of last weekend alternatively grieving and being confused and outraged and all the stuff that goes on in one's head when an attack comes seemingly out of the blue.  We have both realized we'd seen the warning signs, but we were so preoccupied with all the things we were facing in these last years that we were dismissive because they weren't being spoken of to us and we felt we had no right to step in.  And yes, because we are also too damned busy just trying to figure out our own lives and how to manage them.  

I have learned this past week that sometimes when people are throwing up boundaries all over the place instead of being respectful of them, those same individuals might just hope you will lay siege at those walls.  Or not.  It's hard to say, isn't it?  I try to respect anyone's boundaries because it took me forever to learn that I had the right to make my own and that I had an equal right to expect that they would be honored.  So, lay siege or not?  I don't know.  I don't.   Had I intervened would I have prevented the damage?  Or would it have been the same?  I can't answer that.  I don't know.  

In the last week we also had a talk with our daughter and her boyfriend that was very positive and made us feel that at long last we were seeing some happy outcome in that quarter.  And the contractor called to say he'd be ready to start on Monday and would come by on Saturday to see what materials he needed to get that job done.

Well, the contractor was true to form.  We were home all day Saturday waiting and got nary a call nor visit.  But on Sunday afternoon, I insisted we move the bulk of what was left in the kitchen out so that if he should show we'd know we were ready on our end.  Which meant upturning the whole house, because the entryway is where I'd determined to set up the temporary kitchen facilities and the toy box had to move out and things had to be placed in the bathtub in our bath and space found to shove another few boxes and the pantry had to be packed with the last foodstuffs from the kitchen.  It took a little while and lots of walking back and forth, but I was down to the microwave, coffee pot, toaster oven and a basket of foodstuffs yesterday evening.  Most of these things were too heavy for me to lift.  John said he'd move them yesterday but didn't.  And that turned out to be just fine.

I didn't make a menu for this week.  I didn't even have a plan for breakfast this morning but as 8:30 came, I decided that after all, I might as well use the stove and went to various areas to retrieve necessary pieces to make cooking half pleasant.  While we were eating our breakfast, the contractor called and arrived shortly after.

Caleb is completely confused about everything being moved.  He keeps looking at it all and saying, "Why'd you do dis?"  We tell him we're getting a new kitchen but that's nothing he's ever seen so he will go back to the room later and say the thing all over again.  "Why'd you do dis?"   It is not the least convenient that the school is closed for another week, so we must do this with child(ren) underfoot.  The weather is meant to be nice enough all week but who knows if those weathermen know of what they speak?  If it is nice, we can stay outdoors as much as Caleb would like.  If not, then that's another thing.

At any rate, the work is to begin tomorrow morning.  Prayers said that this is as much without drama and angst as it can be.  I do not expect it to go smoothly.  I know too well there are always things that must be dealt with that are unexpected.  I just am prayerful that this is not a prolonged agony.  The contractor seems to be most intent that my kitchen remains as functional for me to use as he can make it and that is appreciated.  I did explain I was prepared to 'camp out' and work elsewhere but he was reassuring.  So, we shall see.

I don't know what posting may look like for the next few weeks.  I confess I haven't much heart for wanting to write at the moment even without the needs of a four-year-old and a house that is in chaos.  I'm going to just be flying by the seat of my pants even though I more or less have an idea of how I might function, but I hadn't expected the disaster last week to occur and that's what has thrown me completely off course.  Again, though, it's not my hurt that is all my concern.  It's the hurts of others as well that I am mindful of and must consider.  But yeah, human like, my own wounds are there, and I have to tend to those, so they heal, or I'll end up resentful and angry and packing a load of my own dynamite.

Having already dealt with Thanksgiving and the anxiety I have around that; I was truly hoping that Christmas was going to be far less stressful.  Not so.  There we are.  Ho Ho Ho.

Anyway, that's why I'm not keeping to my usual schedule here this week.  


Cindi Myers said...

I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time. My prayers are with you.

Casey said...

Terri, Do what you need to do for you and your family. Lots of hugs and prayers.

Rhonda said...

Hugs to you ❤️ I completely understand, we’ve got our drama over here but frankly, I can do nothing about ours and I’m close to being over it
What good news that the kitchen re-do should be going on right now.

mikemax said...

((( Terri )))

--from Maxine, aka mikemax

Frances Moseley said...

Oh Terri, I am so sorry difficulties have reared their ugly heads!! Take your time about blogging. You have a lot on your plate and the kitchen remodel to boot. I am gald that is going to go forward. You have been waiting so long for it to happen. Just know that your blog friends are here for you when you are able to write, and you, John, and all the family are being lifted up in prayers for wisdom and mercy. Much love to you, my friend.

Donna said...

Family discord and a kitchen renovation make for a soupy mess. Prayers for you and John.

Lana said...

You do what you need to do. We have our own mess but last night when I went to bed I realized that I had not even thought of or missed the ones who don't want us anymore over Thanksgiving. Mostly I miss going home to Mom and Dad's but I can never go there again except in my memories. All of you who still have parents on this earth just treasure them because the time goes fast and then they are gone. That is what our kids need to know before it is too late. All this strife is just not worth it!

Mable said...

When times get this bad, I borrow from the AA program and tell myself I only have to make it through this day without cracking up. I hope the days get better for you.

Anne said...

I hate to say this but I'm always slightly comforted when others admit to family disturbances because ten years ago, what should have been a small and cleared up resentment, turned into a major family disruptor that has never been fixed. It has broken my heart.

So Terri, I hope the smoke settles soon for you guys and there results better communication for all of you. And I really hope there develops some appreciation for the massive amount of extra support that you and John have given all your children.

And I am stunned at the patience that you two have shown about a construction project that was supposed to begin in July. I would have been enraged months ago and probably picked up my marbles and gone home. :D

Belinda said...


I am so very sorry this has happened again and at the most wonderful time of the year. I too, had a phone call this morning that has upset me with my girls . I have ask the Lord to oversee this disagreement between them and let them be kind to each other as they have lost both a sister and brother in the last few years. I will pray for you and your family. Belinda

Karla said...

Anne - I so related to your honest comment. I often feel the same way. It's not that I want others to feel that hurt, just that it helps all of us to not feel alone when we do.

Terri - I'm praying for all of you. Sending love.

Peggy Savelsberg said...

Praying for you and your family, Terri!

Chef Owings said...

From Halloween to Jan I can always and I do mean always count on one of the 30 kids, grandkids, great grandkids... well not the great grandkids as they aren't old enough yet. Causing an uproar over something they either refused to talk about and they let it fester or they do something to one of the others and then whine about it. Last week I actually threatened even though sicker than a dog of driving 2 hrs. smashing heads together and then driving back home. They are worse now as adults than they were as kids GEEZE. Prayers for you and yours. I think the stress of utilities, time off due to holidays without holiday pay and trying to do Christmas gifts along with food for the extended family puts them on overload. I always end the phone call/ text with being on my knees praying and tell them so.
Next time little one asks again why you did it.... ask him what you told him when he asked before. It helped with my ADHD kids to have them try/learn to remember what they were told. Two are in their 40s and I still have to do that. SIGH.
Blessed be. Prayer for you and yours

Tammy said...

Sending you love and hugs, my dear friend. Prayers for peace and resolution for your family. I know how hard it is to do what you can do to make things right, but it doesn't seem to be enough, or what they think they need. Hopefully with time, things can be resolved in a way to helps to heal everyone.

When my own grands were little like Caleb, and we changed the flooring, Silas actually cried because he liked my house the way it was, and didn't want it to change. So much going on their little heads and hearts - big feelings they have no words for. ♥

Diary of a Homemaker's Week: Happy Week