Coffee Chat: Time Out

 

I've written another post entirely prior to this one but I am deleting it, unpublished.  What it has to say I'm not comfortable with in the least and I'm going to try to do better with this one.  

We've got stuff going on. People are hurting and angry and apparently have been holding on to resentments long term that might have been resolved if talked over.  They weren't.  There are other very painful things that have occurred recently that must undoubtedly add to the complexity of the personal relationships and so there was a big to do, one of the kinds that does a lot of harm and leaves no survivors.  I've done my share of grieving over these things, offered my apology, but it has been rejected because there is much else that concerns them more, as well they might.  

So, John and I spent all of last weekend alternatively grieving and being confused and outraged and all the stuff that goes on in one's head when an attack comes seemingly out of the blue.  We have both realized we'd seen the warning signs, but we were so preoccupied with all the things we were facing in these last years that we were dismissive because they weren't being spoken of to us and we felt we had no right to step in.  And yes, because we are also too damned busy just trying to figure out our own lives and how to manage them.  

I have learned this past week that sometimes when people are throwing up boundaries all over the place instead of being respectful of them, those same individuals might just hope you will lay siege at those walls.  Or not.  It's hard to say, isn't it?  I try to respect anyone's boundaries because it took me forever to learn that I had the right to make my own and that I had an equal right to expect that they would be honored.  So, lay siege or not?  I don't know.  I don't.   Had I intervened would I have prevented the damage?  Or would it have been the same?  I can't answer that.  I don't know.  

In the last week we also had a talk with our daughter and her boyfriend that was very positive and made us feel that at long last we were seeing some happy outcome in that quarter.  And the contractor called to say he'd be ready to start on Monday and would come by on Saturday to see what materials he needed to get that job done.

Well, the contractor was true to form.  We were home all day Saturday waiting and got nary a call nor visit.  But on Sunday afternoon, I insisted we move the bulk of what was left in the kitchen out so that if he should show we'd know we were ready on our end.  Which meant upturning the whole house, because the entryway is where I'd determined to set up the temporary kitchen facilities and the toy box had to move out and things had to be placed in the bathtub in our bath and space found to shove another few boxes and the pantry had to be packed with the last foodstuffs from the kitchen.  It took a little while and lots of walking back and forth, but I was down to the microwave, coffee pot, toaster oven and a basket of foodstuffs yesterday evening.  Most of these things were too heavy for me to lift.  John said he'd move them yesterday but didn't.  And that turned out to be just fine.

I didn't make a menu for this week.  I didn't even have a plan for breakfast this morning but as 8:30 came, I decided that after all, I might as well use the stove and went to various areas to retrieve necessary pieces to make cooking half pleasant.  While we were eating our breakfast, the contractor called and arrived shortly after.

Caleb is completely confused about everything being moved.  He keeps looking at it all and saying, "Why'd you do dis?"  We tell him we're getting a new kitchen but that's nothing he's ever seen so he will go back to the room later and say the thing all over again.  "Why'd you do dis?"   It is not the least convenient that the school is closed for another week, so we must do this with child(ren) underfoot.  The weather is meant to be nice enough all week but who knows if those weathermen know of what they speak?  If it is nice, we can stay outdoors as much as Caleb would like.  If not, then that's another thing.

At any rate, the work is to begin tomorrow morning.  Prayers said that this is as much without drama and angst as it can be.  I do not expect it to go smoothly.  I know too well there are always things that must be dealt with that are unexpected.  I just am prayerful that this is not a prolonged agony.  The contractor seems to be most intent that my kitchen remains as functional for me to use as he can make it and that is appreciated.  I did explain I was prepared to 'camp out' and work elsewhere but he was reassuring.  So, we shall see.

I don't know what posting may look like for the next few weeks.  I confess I haven't much heart for wanting to write at the moment even without the needs of a four-year-old and a house that is in chaos.  I'm going to just be flying by the seat of my pants even though I more or less have an idea of how I might function, but I hadn't expected the disaster last week to occur and that's what has thrown me completely off course.  Again, though, it's not my hurt that is all my concern.  It's the hurts of others as well that I am mindful of and must consider.  But yeah, human like, my own wounds are there, and I have to tend to those, so they heal, or I'll end up resentful and angry and packing a load of my own dynamite.

Having already dealt with Thanksgiving and the anxiety I have around that; I was truly hoping that Christmas was going to be far less stressful.  Not so.  There we are.  Ho Ho Ho.

Anyway, that's why I'm not keeping to my usual schedule here this week.