Coffee Chat: On Aging, Optimism, Art and Balance

Hello dears.  I've been terribly busy here at home, getting things in order, but I wanted to take time to just chat and not just about the work I've been doing in my home.  

John and I have had some deep conversations of late: about finances, aging, dreams we've had to let go, kids...Pretty much what all folks our age discuss.  It's led me to do a lot of thinking during my working hours when he generally leaves me alone to do whatever I am doing.  Deep thinking.  

I recall the days when I was filling out one of those magazine surveys.  You know the ones I mean, where you were filling out a card for a magazine subscription or a free sample and the company printed part of the card with a simple survey to be filled out.  That was way yonder back before computers were normal household items and demographics were gathered in just the way I said: on post cards that you mailed in to a company.

Well way back then I would tick off my age box and marvel that there were so many age groupings ahead of mine.  There I was in the 20 year old range, you know and I would think, "I wonder what I'll be like when I get to that age?" whether it was 40 or 50 or 60.  I never imagined what I would be like when I was 66, when I'd literally be ticking the last box on the age grouping!  Anyone else know what I mean?  It came as a shock to me earlier this year when I was filling out a survey form (online) and I ticked the very last box.

Given the vast number of 70-, 80- and even 90-year-olds I know, I think they need to update those surveys.  Technically, based on proven facts, I am just beyond middle-aged at this point in life.  I'm only in the third quarter of my life, not the fourth.

I think that should be taken into consideration by companies.  There are a lot of 70-, 80- and 90-year-old consumers that they are missing out on targeting in their demographics!

In studying genealogy, I was surprised at how many 80- and 90-year-old folks were around in the 1800's and even 1700s.  Yes, there were a lot of deaths among women at younger ages, but nine times out of ten, it was something to do with childbirth trauma or infection during the aftermath of pregnancy.  Men died young as well.  I don't know why most of the younger men died, but I can document women's death causes by simply tracking how many of them died following birth by the child's birthdate.   A lot of infants died as well.    But for the most part, people were fairly long lived given the tough circumstances of mere living back in those days, the many diseases that could wreak havoc in a community, and things like pneumonia or blood pressure or diabetes that there were no medications to treat.

Anyway, I'm not here to talk of death though I do want to just briefly touch on the fact that these days, we are keenly aware of the passage of time...It's sobering, especially when we hear of a friend who has cancer or suffered a stroke, etc.   Even I, who am far less anxious than John about such things, sometimes feel that twinge of "Ooch!  That one was too close!" when someone nearer my age passes away.

Why is John anxious?  His family is not particularly long lived.  His brother is 7 years older than John, but his mother, stepmother and father all died early.  His mom was in her mid-50's.  I think Eleanor, his stepmother was only slightly older.  His dad was just 73.  His longer-lived relatives were in New York, so he never knew them, really.  

On the other hand, I had copious relatives whom I knew who were much, much older.  I tend to be very optimistic, based on their longevity, about my own lifespan.

But in the end, John and I agree on one thing: we may not be ready to die but at some point, we will, and we are assured of our place in heaven. That's what really matters.

On the other hand, there is a concern that we might live too long.  What's that I say?  Finances might not last until we reach the end of life.  It's something that has concerned us, well mostly John, for quite some time now.  Do we have enough?  What if...?   After about a month of hearing all the worries and fears, I finally had had enough.  

Again, genealogy came into play.  I told John that in all my studies of family, I had seen drastic changes in financial circumstances, but they had survived.  I pointed out that even in our time spent at the Homeless Outreach, often enough it's been a matter of abuses of some sort that led to homelessness in the first place.  Not in every instance.  But the majority.  Choices were made that led to the place where they are now.  

And there are success stories that we get to see every week, too.  People recover from addiction.  People find shelter and safe places to stay.  They get jobs and move into their own places and go on to lead normal lives once more.   It is a temporary circumstance for all but a few.  

Yes, I am optimistic here, too.  Just having seen that people survive has been a huge eye opener.  The things we fear might happen, but we will survive. We will manage, just as we've always done when unwelcome things happened.

This week it was a far more hopeful conversation between us regarding finances.  "I was thinking about the age of our heat pump.  What if we need to replace it?"  "Then we'll take it from our retirement."  "Is that what we have to look forward to?"  "No.  I think we need to plan to have a little fun along the way, too, but I think we'd be very wise to sit down at the start of each fiscal year, determine what it is we want to do to keep the house in repair, what needs to be replaced, etc. and plan to do just that.  But I also think we need to plan to have a little fun.  Say we want a week's vacation or to do something really special, an experience sort of thing, like a concert or something, then we should plan that into our budget for the year as well."  But I hastened to add, "For the most part, I'm satisfied to live like this.  I'm not going to look at you and demand a cruise through Europe, but I might well want an extra week in St. Augustine, you know?"  We agreed that would be our plan in the future.

"But what if the money runs out?"  I just looked at him.  "John there is always some amount of money to be had.  We'll adjust our living to what we have.  It's going to be all right."   

Heaven knows I've been through enough financial hardships in my life, been in places where I had no money and no idea how on earth I'd manage, but here I am, all these years later.   John told me long ago that the worst day of his life was seeing his checking balance at $120.  I laughed out loud.  There was a day and time when my checking balance was -$xxx, all the bills were past due, there was nearly no food left in the cupboard and no money coming in anywhere...but that involves my ex-husband and I am not in the mood to go all the way to that place, so we'll just leave it there.  The point is that somehow, we came through it. Someone would gift us a bag of food or wild hog or deer meat.  Somehow, we'd scrape together enough money to keep the electricity going.  I could heat water and warm the house with propane.  In all those years, I had only one car repossessed and I thanked the guy who came to tow it away because that was the worst lemon of a car that ate up all my funds that ever was.  It's that past experience I suppose that just feeds my optimism today.  

As well it helps to realize that we can never, ever be prepared for every eventuality.  More often than not it's the things we weren't even aware of that sidelined us.  The being hit by a drunk driver, job loss, weather.  Things we could never have predicted.  Those who have been through a hurricane know what they'll have to do to get through the aftermath.  Those who haven't can't possibly know until it's upon them.  We learn as we go.  We learn as we grow through trials.  That's the way life is meant to be.  

We are not meant to be living in a state of constant fear and worry, though some have made it their lifelong journey.  I don't want to live that way. I don't want to look back and see that I cowered in fear my whole life through.  I want to look back and see the happy moments, the times I displayed courage though I didn't know it at the time, the times I simply got up and got on with it because that was all that there was that we could do.  Life happens to all of us.  

I've worked hard so far this month.  Honestly, it feels like the calendar should be further along than it is, instead of just being barely past the first week.  That's not wishful thinking on my part.  I want to get a lot more done this month if I possibly can and I'm going to try my hardest, but it also occurred to me this week that I want to have some fun.  I want to stop and take time to appreciate the season. I want to do things that make me happy.  Like sitting on the porch in the early morning hours while the day is cool.  Eating a ripe peach.  Reading a book.  Playing.  

Today I'd promised myself if I did one task that I was longing to postpone that I would have 'fun'.  My 'fun' today was going to be to take out the art supplies and begin a new collage piece.  I meant it, too.  But instead, I worked too hard.  I was too tired to go dig out the things I'd buried a couple of years ago in a closet.  I'm not proud of that.  I'm not proud that I broke a promise to myself.  Here's the deal though.  I'm still too tired to go dig it out.  But I'm going to keep that promise to myself tomorrow.  I have made a list of books I want to read.  I'm going to pull those books and find those art supplies, put in some coloring books, scissors, markers and watercolor paints. I'll pop in my Sudoku puzzles book.  I'm going to put it where I can just pick it up and choose something to sit down and enjoy.  

And I'm going to buy myself some things.  A sketchbook.  Fresh scrapbook papers. Fresh markers. A jigsaw puzzle.  I need to add fun back into my life.  

Another thing I realized I'd let slip today was something I'd only just begun a few weeks ago.  I'd let go of some self-care routines.  Moisturizing my skin.  Manicures.  Timely haircuts so that I am not tempted to cut my own hair.  Bible study.  Why did I let those things go?  I got busy.  I was tired.  I had work to do. I worked hard. I didn't feel like it.

I am out of balance.  That is something I struggle with all of the time.

I've come to the conclusion that I am one person.  I can only do so much.  There are things that have traditionally been 'my job' simply due to the fact that John was working crazy hours and I was here to do them. When John retired, he retired.  

He left his job, and he came home.  At home he did what he'd always done when he was off.  He mows the lawns.  He does laundry and he vacuums.  He plays guitar and he watches tv.  That's what he does.  It's what he's always done.

I am not being mean or ugly.  I am not resentful.  It is just the contrast between our retirements is sharp.  

I have 'retired', too, but not really.  In order to stretch our finances, I am doing more than I did before.  And I kept a pretty full schedule then.  Now it is beyond full when you add in keeping grandchildren, making more from scratch, etc.  

Of course, some things aren't getting done.  A lot of the outdoor work has fallen by the wayside.  I don't have the energy to do all the things anymore.  I don't want to do all the things anymore. I want to sit with my husband and enjoy his company.  We missed a lot of time together when he worked.  We truly enjoy each other's company.  But I also want to do some of the things I consider pleasant and fun.  Like working a puzzle, reading a book, Bible study, self-care.  Gardening.  Learning new things, even new skills.  

But I can't do it all.  I can lie awake all night long trying to figure out how to schedule every single thing into my day, but I can't do it.  I can't account for the unplanned interruptions or the jobs that take far longer than I'd supposed they might.  I can't have fun and do all the work and take care of myself, too.  I find it just as difficult as I did when I worked outside the home and was a single parent.  Something has to not be done if something else is done.  That's just facts.

So I make choices.  Too often I choose work.  I know better.  I do.  

I've been struggling with this dilemma for the past year.  What am I going to make priority?  How can I fit in all the things I think I should be doing along with some of the things I think I want to do?    All summer long Caleb and I had an ongoing conversation about work.  "We do what we have to do in order to do what we want to do..." I'd tell him when he wanted to play instead of practice schoolwork.  The biggest difference between Caleb and me?  He never forgot what he was working for: so he could do what he wanted to do instead.  And I do.  All of the time.  I see the end of one job as the start of another, not a reason to stop and rest by doing something I want to do.  It is acceptable in my world, to sit down and do quiet work.

What is quiet work?  For me that looks like going over grocery ads and making lists for shopping or looking up how to do another job that I have to do later.  I play with the budget or I make out a list of still more work to be done.  I work every moment of that time I'm sitting down, supposedly 'resting'.  It' not even real rest.  It's simply putting my feet up but continuing to keep my eyes and mind engaged in work.  

So here's the deal.  I can go on and on and on as I've been doing for years now OR I can change my tactics.  I've been kind of practicing this week on this first portion.  When I have coffee in the morning, I do so without my phone in hand.  If my phone is in my hand, I'm going to start looking for a recipe for supper or brushing up on skills I want to use.  Or worse, I blindly scroll through the accounts of people I don't know, who are doing things I want to do but don't.  Hello gardening.  Art. 

This next week I'm going to try a block schedule.  I'm not going to be terribly rigid about it but I do want to try it.  I want a block for Bible Study, a block for kitchen work (all meals prepared at once...Why not?  Why am I obligated to go into the kitchen three times a day and prepare three separate meals when I might prepare three at one time?).  I want a block for self-care, a block for gardening, a block for housework, a block for outdoor work (weather permitting).  I want a block for FUN.  And real rest, not word disguised as work.

Maybe I find I can't fit everything in blocks on the same day. Maybe I have to choose to have a self-care block one day and a Fun block another day.  Maybe I have a gardening block one day and an outdoor block on the next.  And maybe now and then I schedule in a block of time to just sit and mindlessly scroll through social media to gather ideas.  But that will be a work block, not a rest or fun block.

Something I have noticed is that those people who make time for what they love, seem to be the best satisfied at the end of the day than those who push one foot wearily in front of the other until time to fall into bed.  And they seem to accomplish just about the same amount of work, too!

So that's what I'm thinking about this week.  Now I am done for the day.  It's 8:30 and then sun has gone down.  I'm going to go wash my face, put on my nightie and then I'm going to watch an episode of Mountain Men.  Yes, we found it again.  It's free on PlutoTV.  

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