I have been in the most gosh awful rotten frame of mind for the past several hours. I got upset about something last night and typical of myself, I bit my anger and deep disappointment back and internalized it. I stewed and brewed. I fumed. I got indigestion. I wept a little in a hidden and furtive way. I sulked.
The cause of my upset isn't nearly so important as what restraining it as I did caused: a downward spiral in my usually optimistic outlook. Suddenly I didn't have ENOUGH. Not enough money, nor patience. Not enough love. Not enough respect or consideration. I was poorly used and under appreciated. Then my bleakness took a new turn. The black outlook of a moment now affected my future. I'd passed my peak and it was all downhill, never to be improved, only increasingly bleak. My dreams were for naught and were just so much dust. My disappointments could only multiply. I was done, through, over. I'd nothing to show for my life, no purpose, and no more chances to be anything more.
I went to bed and sleep eluded me. I prayed. I turned my head to the foot of the bed (that's more in line with the fan and cooler which sometimes helps). I got up and wandered around the house. And then the migraine started. Having experienced one Sunday morning I was quick to take the OTC remedy that generally helps and sprinkled lavender oil on my pillow..
I went back to bed and turned my head back to the head of the bed. Just as I dozed off, John began to have nightmares and jerked, kicked, groaned, gasped. 3am. 4 am. I'd doze off and immediately he'd begin the nightmares again, waking me. I began to feel desperate. Finally I did something I've never done before. I rolled over, laid hands on my husband and prayed out loud that whatever was making him restless would be bound so that I could finally sleep. It worked. He became quiet, I went to sleep. Last glance at the clock it had been 4:45am. At 7:30 John was up and walking out of the bedroom. I tried to go back to sleep, but no luck. I stayed abed just a half hour more then got up.
My mood was just awful. I didn't want to speak. I felt contrary to every good thing in the world. I was torn between tears and weeping and being hateful and spiteful. Silence seemed the best mode. Speaking required a huge amount of restraint.
And the weather. Well the weather just suited the mood perfectly. Heavily overcast, the same sort of squallish rain we'd had the day before, sometimes even heavy rain. The dogs didn't come to the porch for breakfast, the cat complained long and loud and then groused and grumbled. I read my Bible chapters twice over and gained nothing from it. I got cold and wet sitting on the front porch, that blasted front porch that is NO shelter in the rain ever...
I wasn't idle this morning in all my mooning about. No, I did the usual housework in a martyr frame of mind, which made me more loathsome in my opinion. I made a hearty breakfast. I made an excellent dinner that was economical and tasty. I did a chore that normally John would do because you cannot fully martyr yourself nor be fully under appreciated unless you also do ALL the chores while in the blackest of moods...
Well. I could go further into my tale of bleakness but why let you know my full depths for drama? It was pretty rotten and even I was getting thoroughly sick of myself, but too late. John, who normally is obtuse (sometimes truly and sometimes willfully) grew tired of ignoring the mood and confronted me. Revealing my source of anger made it seem petty and pointless (and isn't it usually just so?). Then he tried to placate me since the real source of my upset had been deep disappointment. I don't know about others but if there is one thing I cannot abide it is to be petty and pointless and then have someone placate me! I know! It's totally unreasonable but there you have it. To be placated truly does mean I've been petty and pointless!
Oh go ahead. I know you're thinking at this point, "For goodness sake! Get over it!" You are quite right.
I did the only thing I could reasonably and possibly do. I took myself off to bed after clearing up the dinner dishes.
Under appreciated, much disused that I am, John brought his patient self to bed too, wrapped his arms about me. I get cold when I lie down and can't sleep and his warmth helps and then he began the deep slow breathing that has sent many a sick headache and many an ill temper scurrying away and brings me to the relaxed point of sleep as I will match my breathing to his. He doesn't go to sleep himself, usually, at least not at first, but he soothes me, as he often has in the past, just as he would and did our fussy baby girl.
It speaks volumes for his patience and tolerance that he chooses to soothe me to sleep and not give me a sound spanking! And by that point, I wanted to be soothed and give in to the sweetness and turn from that horrible black black mood. I truly was thoroughly sick of myself! One hour of precious sleep and I woke feeling more like I'd found my way to the right side of the bed again. John had succumbed and gone to sleep and I crept out of the bedroom to avoid waking him. He'd had a bad night too and then had me to deal with all morning long, bless him. He surely deserved a nap as much as I'd needed one myself.
It would have fit my present state of mind far better to wake and find the sun shining but it isn't. The same bleak skies are overhead. The migraine is still niggling away, threatening me with pain. But thankfully those internal black clouds have lifted. I know myself to be more what I normally am: optimistic, hopeful, blessed and well loved.
Disappointed? Well yes, I am still, but I'll get over it. The sunshine is supposed to return tomorrow. There are things to look forward to yet. The radishes are actually turning into radishes. The peas and beets loved the warm misty rain and shot up two inches more. The cat is washing herself contentedly while sitting on the damp porch railing. There's soup and grilled cheese sandwiches for supper and cold applesauce and warm gingerbread to follow. There's a very patient, very dear man sitting across the room from me whistling as though he hasn't a care in the world. I've a good book close by. There's good German coffee and tasty chocolate in the house for later in the evening. Maybe I've not reached my peak just yet. Maybe I'm at the apex of it after all...It's a brand new day, right here in the midst of the afternoon.
And that is life here In the Blue House on The Hill!