I was sitting in my room yesterday morning, listening to praise music with my ear plugs in to drown out the screeches and yells and screams that are now morning in my home. I looked out the window between prayer stretches and admired the iris which have been so especially long lasting and lovely this year. The golden yellow ones are blooming just now in great clumps having multiplied very well over the last few years and they are gorgeous. I looked at the clump I'd planted just under the trees near the edge of the yard and saw that one tiny portion of my vision for the yard was true at last and good.
I thought about how much I long to improve my home and how much savings it has taken to do even the first tasks we've got upon our list, not the fun and lovely stuff I want to do like baths and kitchen. That shall take a great lot more of savings, and just now, with my being unable to work my new business as I'd hoped, with extra demands upon our funds even in this season of overtime, I wondered if we should ever have that money set aside.
And then I began to lament, yet again, of the things I cannot do just now due to the claims upon my time and strength and energy and money. I dwelt on my resentment that my time is not my own and I remembered yet again a revelation God had given me at the beginning of this season that this was to be a season of revelation giving...
God's seasons are not always easy ones. Yes, some are, but some are hard and tedious and require far more of us than we ever thought we'd have to give. This season has been a mixture. It is sweet to be given kisses from the baby or to be rewarded with the dimpled smile of a brown eyed boy. It is sweet to have my son hug me when he comes in from work and sweet to have a daughter in law who pours me a cup of coffee when I appear in the morning to name just a few small sweet things.
But yesterday morning was hard. I was hurting a lot and had slept poorly due to pain. I saw the things I could not do when I most longed to do them. I knew about how the day would go. I would be at the beck and call and demand of every individual in this house at some point. I was resentful before the day had begun. I was tired and weary and I had had ENOUGH and I just wanted my way about things.
I don't remember what song was playing, perhaps "I Surrender" by Hillsong, when suddenly I was stunned by a quiet voice that said "If you can't be broken with love for the people in your home just now, how will you ever be broken for Me?" I gasped. This is a season of giving and God has placed it on my heart to do my all in this season. He never said it would be easy. If I couldn't wrangle self to the mat and do it with gladness, how could I ever be open to all that Christ has died to give me? How could I have the revelation He'd told me would come if I couldn't get myself out of the way? How could I be any sort of an example to my family if all they saw was the weariness I felt?
I showered, readied myself to face the day and came out with a quiet good morning. And you know the morning was the hardest one yet. There was no coffee. None. Not any more to make more... The baby gets Hangry. He was screeching his protest. He had on a dirty diaper. I suggested Josh change from pajamas he'd worn for two days and put on clothes. Meltdown. Bess was withdrawn and later on the phone with daily phone calls she takes from her mom and friend her sole connection with world outside these four walls. Josh demanded to know what was for breakfast though Bess assured me she'd just fed the boys. They are hobbits when it comes to breakfasts... I realized I was nearly out of bread so turned my weary mind towards what I might make instead as a breakfast bread and wondered if I'd make it to the grocery store on Thursday or should I have to do it Friday after spending the day with Mama. I felt overdrawn just thinking of it.
John texted that no one had shown up to relieve him from his shift, an all too common occurrence these days. Josh went into the music room and suddenly a loud feedback came over the house and Josh started screaming in terror. Bess slung her cup of coffee across the carpet and ottoman as she ran to rescue him. Chaos ensued as we tried to calm him, discover just what had caused the piano to do such a thing, quiet the baby who was more than angry that all the bigger humans had deserted him in his hour of hunger. I changed his diaper as Bess went outdoors to continue her interrupted conversation. I tried to clean the stain from the carpet, not the first to happen this week, likely not the last we shall see. I felt resentment swelling up hard and bitter within as I tried to do these things and then I remembered the muffins that I'd put in the oven too many minutes ago.
As I took the rocks out of the oven, I started to give voice to my irritation and frustration when a three year old voice said beside me: "Gramma....why is your house broken?" I knew just why he was asking. Two days ago we'd bumped the corner piece on the wall and it had snapped off . We've dealt with this for years but I suddenly saw my house as it is too often these days. Breaking apart, stained, not clean, even the new things getting dingy and stained and I know too well that there is little to repair or replace without a lot of saving going on. Josh asked again, "Gramma! Why is your house broken?" I felt anger rising but then suddenly I was hit hard. I saw me, myself, a building that is rundown and in need of renovation, the epitome of a broken house, broken open for God's purposes of renovations. I remembered my revelation of an hour before and I burst into tears. Sixty minutes from revelation and I'd already forgotten what God had found it necessary to remind me of His lesson.
Josh ran to fetch Bess. "Mama! Gramma's crying!" I couldn't speak to tell her what had just occurred. I fed the boys. Choked on my own food as tears continued to stream. Bess sat silent watch at the table. She went to pour herself coffee, no doubt sure I was upset with her or the boys or all of it and stared at the empty coffee canister. John called then and said he was finally on his way home. I said "We have no coffee..." and Bess grabbed up the boys and left the house to go buy a canister of coffee in town.
I laid my head down on the desk and cried and cried until I had water bags under my eyes. There's nothing like knowing you're going through a season and failing it, to humble you mightily...I don't like to fail tests. I don't like tests of this sort that push me to exam myself hard and accept truths I'm not really prepared to acknowledge about my own failings and shortcomings. I prefer the seasons where blessings flow unstaunched by any hand and I can sit comfortably watching while I think what a right and good person I must be for it to be so. But truth is, at the best of times, I am cracked, flawed, sometimes openly angry about seasons that haven't come, seldom good as I should be. I am a broken house.
I dwelt on this thought all morning as I went about necessary things. Bess and Sam went to work on their home last night. I thought about how dismal it looked when they began. No walls. Great gaping holes in the floor. Leaking pipes. When they move in only a portion of the house shall have been made livable but that portion will be lovely. But only after this season of hard work and long hours and sacrifice and lack of money...
Lord, I hope this broken house of mine is livable...
13 comments:
Praying for you.
God bless, Kathy in Illinois
I cried when I read of you crying. I am amazed at the strength you have shown so far in this difficult time. Can you put a lawn chair somewhere away from the house to have a secret hiding place? I think you need it. Hugs, Dale
Remember God will keep giving you the opportunity to do all of these things for His glory. You really are doing a fine job. Perfection isn't even possible and we learn through each days floundering and successes.I am just coming out of an incredibly similar season ...light at end of tunnel kind of feeling. Maybe I finally surrendered and half of my trials are not bothersome anymore. Daughter,Son in law, their two children and a dog and a cat spent a year with us while building their new home. At the end of that daughter had several medical issues so was unable to care for her children. Other daughter and son in law going through serious marital issues needing me to step into care for another grandchild simultaneously. Also my mom and her boyfriend of many years are experiencing failing health....it goes on and on, but God can give strength when our own resolve gives out and we just surrender. Praying for you, xo Julie
Oh God bless you Terri. Is it getting close for the move? Light at the end of the tunnel? I wish I could take you out for coffee! Hang in there!
Oh I am so sorry. A broken house...He surely opens our eyes, doesn't He.
Is your vacation soon? I hope that gives you something to look forward to; maybe secretly count down the days if you need to. Hope the cry was therapetic as well. I bet that Bess will make sure that you don't run out of coffee again. ;) But maybe things will be a bit easier now.
Terri, keep turning to God for strength and wisdom on how to handle this season. As a mother of four sons (one grown and three teenagers at home), who has moved a lot and has never had any family nearby to help, may I gently suggest something? It sounds like your daughter-in-law still needs to be the mother while living there. She should be dressing the children, changing diapers, watching the children and doing much of the cleaning and cooking...just as if she were in her own home. I would try to do this even more so as you are so kind to babysit as they remodel the house. I’m sure she is very tired ( I have remodeled homes pregnant with little ones at my feet and a husband who worked 65-80 hours per week), but she must bear this just as if she didn’t have you there. I always made my phone calls at nap time and I think that may be prudent for her too.
I always liked to clean in my own thorough way, but when our boys were old enough to help, my husband insisted that they do more chores, even if it wouldn’t be perfect. I was reluctant but very glad in the end as he was traveling out of the country half the month and I now had an autoimmune illness that drained me quickly if I didn’t get enough rest. Maybe have a talk to set clearer expectations that when you are not babysitting, she is the main caregiver. A schedule of who makes meals, cleans up meals, and cleaning chores could be made with her so you don’t end up doing too much.
I hope I have not overstepped, but I just couldn’t help but to see it and say something as you just seem drained dear. I will keep you in my prayers!
I feel so badly for you Terri. Wish you could schedule one day a week to just get away. Sounds as if being stuck at home has given even the little ones cabin fever. Are there any outings you can take them on that would burn off their energy? Maybe even just a drive to your favorite cemetery that you like ... a walk thru the cemetery with them would likely tire them out and give you an hour or so of much needed alone time when you get back home. Is there a public pool nearby? Or, just a garden sprinkler and kiddie pool works wonders for exhausting the little ones. Being inside all day hearing the screeching noise echoing off the walls is enough to wear anyone down. I pray you find relief soon. (((Hugs))) to you, my friend.
Oh my, I feel so bad. I am so sorry you are going through this. All I can say is that it won't be forever. I too feel broken so much of the time. Too much to do. No help. A cranky mother with dementia, a Husband who is a high functioning, brilliant case of autism, too much debt, a messy house, a body that betrays me. We can do this together. We can be broken together. We are here to bear one another's burdens. Know that I care, it doesn't help much I know but I do pray that you will have a better day.
I, too, am hoping not to overstep, but I was thinking just about the same thoughts as Karen in WI wrote in her comment.
Plus I'm concerned that it this is a lot of stress on you for an extended time. I think sometimes our kids don't realize the toll that caring for young children puts on their parents physically, and mentally, in that as much as we love our kids and grandkids, our energy levels are not necessarily the same as they were when we were raising our own kids. I wonder if there may be a day or two during each week that your sweet daughter in law could take most of the day off from helping rehab the house, and take care of the little ones, while you have some time for yourself to de-stress and relax a bit.
I believe there is a reason that women are designed to have children in their younger years.
I admire the way you have taken so much responsibility on, but please don't forget to take good care of yourself, too.
Susie D.
Praying for you Terri.. Remember this is but for a season, and God is with you and will give you strength. You are doing a great job.. Hope your vacation will be soon, and you can get away for awhile..
I so understand how you feel, We are the type of people, we need our "alone" time, and when we can't get it.. So very hard. hugs sweet Terri.
You had me laughing through my tears reading this Terri. Especially when Bess heard there was no coffee and ran out the door with the boys to get some. I'm praying for you to find some peace. I hope you can make daily escapes to somewhere. Find a place where no one can find you but make sure Bess knows she is on her own for awhile first.
I am absolutely torn with all these comments. I appreciate each of you for your thoughts and concerns but it was truly not about what is happening in my home as much as what I felt God was trying hard to do through me while I resisted Him. There is much I am grateful for in this time, trying though I find it: I am getting well acquainted with my grandsons. There are so many other things ongoing that are not mine to share so I shall not mention them but it does also affect the circumstances in the household. And yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel as well as a vacation coming up. But you know from reading here that God has placed someone else in my home since November of this past year. It's been a stretch for me to have so much claim upon my time when I think I require alone time, and a substantial amount of that...As a broken house, I refer to myself only as being broken for the purpose of God shaping me anew.
Most of your readers get where you are coming from and are grateful that you share. We all need each other to vent, regroup and continue. You are certainly meant to be a Grandmother, as am I. There is nothing wrong with being human and a Grandmother. Also having lived with Daughter and Son in law and their children in our home for extended period of time I know exactly how much you love it and also what a challenge it is at the same time. I also know that changing a diaper or getting a child dressed when needed is just what we do. Cleaning our home is mostly ours to do because our home is, well ours. Help is appreciated and good as well.Your sharing is a blessing that I always look forward to...you are honest and real.Thank you.
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