Iced Tea Chat: Drifting through May

Hello lovelies.  Do come in and have a glass of tea with me.  Shall you have lemon?  Lime?  Ginger?  Mint?  All are quite delicious in a glass of iced tea.  I'd offer you sugar cubes to sweeten but Taylor, the little imp, took advantage of her Mama not waking from her nap when Taylor woke.  At that point she ate the last banana, an apple and all the sugar cubes in the sugar jar.  Fortunately those sugar cubes were nearly gone.  Gramma came in from her trip on the heels of the crime spree.  I figure it could have been worse.



We can take tea on the back porch.  It's so lovely out that I hate to stay indoors.  Forgive the clutter on this porch.  I emptied the front porch last week to clean it and piled everything I could on the back porch in the hopes of protecting the more fragile things.   I haven't done a thing since on the front porch or patio.  I've been ambitious in my plans but I have lacked time at home to do much of anything.  Even though I told John I had plans to do nothing today I had thought I might paint the front porch floor, or spray paint the patio set, but from the moment he left a dark cloud loomed in the western sky and then we had rain about 10am.  So no painting.

Did you smell the breads in the kitchen when you came in?  I have bagel dough and Challah both rising at present and the house has that lovely yeasty smell.   I was so excited to learn to make bagels last week that I decided to make more this week.  It's so much easier than I imagined it would be.  No, they don't come out quite the same as the ones we buy at the store but then what homemade bread does?   They almost tasted a little like they had buttermilk in them, or sour dough, though they didn't and I've caught a whiff of that same aroma today as rise.   We didn't quite eat all the bagels  I made last week.  I should have frozen them, but we did eat all but two, so not a lot of waste.

I am doing so much better on the food waste front.  Cucumbers tend to spoil here more than any other vegetable or fruit.  I think it's because while I like cucumbers just fine, they do not like me.  So I buy the seedless English cucumbers which are long and lovely and far too much for two.  I still have to be very moderate of my intake of even the seedless ones and too often I have a bit less than half a cucumber spoil.  You can't really freeze a cucumber like you can other things.  I should serve cucumber sticks or cucumber and hummus on whole grain crackers, or learn to pickle part of the cucumber.  One of those areas where, now that I am aware, I shall have to be creative and vigilant.

How was your Mother's Day?  Mine was quiet and busy, too.  Katie got in first on the gifting, as she brought lunch to me one day last week when I was having a busy day out.  It was lovely to come home and find dinner ready and waiting upon me.   She's a competitive one, that girl and she does like to rub it in a bit to the others. "I was the first one to wish Mom a happy birthday..." she'll say, or " I was the first to say Happy Mother's Day..."   This year she was the first to remember that Mother's Day was coming up and since she knew she'd be busy with Taylor she went ahead and treated her grandmother to flowers and a meal and then treated me to a meal the very next day.

John made a big breakfast and cleared up after on Mother's Day and then we had to rush to get ready to go to church. Jd had given me a lovely card when we visited with him Friday.   Samuel called to tell me he's working on a path from my back gate up to Granny's so I can go soak in the peace in the yard there.  And Amie called.  I could ask for nothing more from any of them.

I'd waited in vain for JD to ask us down to visit him and the grandchildren in Kingsland.  So I made up my mind last month that I'd invite myself.  JD seemed to be fine with  my request to come visit.  John and I took off a bit before noon last Friday, thinking that JD would be working until 5pm.  I did not know he'd taken off Friday afternoon.  We arrived about 5pm.

Things seemed a bit strained as though we were all strangers when we first arrived but sitting down to eat a home cooked meal together broke that awkwardness.   The children are just at that stage where they aren't little...in their own eyes.  We're talking 8 and 10 years old here and they think they are quite grown up, perhaps a little too grown up to fawn over Gramma and Grampa. Gramma proved she could entertain herself with a coloring book and crayons and the three children soon joined me at the table and chatted away.  You can find out quite a lot if you sit with children and let them talk to you.  I learned how hard the year has been for the twins with three moves and three school systems in 9 months.  They'll be repeating their grade.  Daniel, on the other hand, having always been a rather independent one who can entertain himself quite well, has gone opposite end and excelled in his schoolwork.  I heard about their baby sister and that their Mama was doing well and what each of them enjoyed doing or hoped to aspire to later in life, etc.   When coloring palled Hailey and I played with her Build a Bears and then the boy brought out a Connect 4 game and taught me to play that.

Grampa usually provides a dozen doughnuts for Saturday morning breakfast and didn't fail this time.  It's a treat he enjoys bringing along.  The children dug right in when we came through the door.  We didn't stay long on Saturday.  They had asked their dad to take them to the zoo, something they've enjoyed a great deal since they live within 45 minutes of Jacksonville Zoo.   John urged me to leave my coloring behind and get back on the road.

So home we came.  Six hours on the road with a brief rest stop half way, same as going down.  The difference this time around, there was no home cooked dinner awaiting us when we came in.  What was awaiting us was  Taylor and Katie who were spending the weekend at our house.  I'm afraid Gramma and Grampa tended to be a little grumpy.    Taylor is a very normal 3 year old who chatters away non-stop and climbs upon your lap and uses heels and knees and elbows to push herself into a new position 2 1/2 seconds after you think she's finally settled into one spot.  She also is at that stage where she uses potty language freely.  I finally had quite enough of that and spoke sternly to her.  "Do you want to stand in the corner?" I demanded.  She looked at me aghast, her blue eyes welling with tears, her chin trembling and asked tearfully "Am I in trouble?"   "Well...no, no you're not," I told her.  "Gramma has  just got tired of hearing that language."  Do you know she didn't say a single potty word until the next day and then she immediately said she was sorry.  "Do you like me?" she asked on Sunday morning, as she crawled into my lap, with an elbow in my breast, a knee in my thigh and a foot trying to gain toehold on my leg.  "I  do," I told her.  "And I love you, too!"  Honestly a toddler adds a whole new meaning to 'grin and bear it', lol.

Taylor begged to go to church with us and it broke my heart to not take her.  The church we attend is big and they expect children to go into the nursery.  As well, it being Mother's Day there was a larger than usual crowd.   I wished mightily that we attended a small church, where a child might sit next to her grandparents and not be viewed askance if she got a little restless or spoke out loud.  John and I didn't talk it over between us before church but we did after and I said how sad it made me.  He shared that he felt the same way.  We like our church fine and they have wonderful children's ministries but you know what I longed for was what I had growing up, what we'd had when Josie was about the same age and went to church with us.  Just a cozy congregation and an easier atmosphere.

We hurried home after church, ready to see Taylor but she and Katie had gone by the time we arrived.  I could have cried, really I could have.  I was sure it was due to sheer tiredness on my part but it was also  disappointment.  John must have felt just the same because he sat right down and texted Katie and told her to tell Taylor how much we missed her already.

John put on a lovely old film that afternoon, "To Catch A Thief".  Going to Capri, seeing the 1950's fashions, the gorgeous flowers in gardens, the blue blue sea, Cary Grant, a beautifully tanned Grace Kelly who still managed to look cool and elegant, the old villas, breath taking evening gowns...it was all so SIGH worthy.  It was like a vacation as I sat in my armchair.  All those lovely dresses, both evening and casual afternoon styles.  It was easy to lose myself in  the film.  It hardly surprised me at all when I looked out the windows later that afternoon and discovered that the sun was shining as strongly here as it had been while I was lost in Capri.  I'd gone away in the rain, you see.

On our trip down to Kingsland we passed an exit that had one of those honorary memorial signs designating that stretch of highway to a fallen service man.  We see them now and then as we go about the state.  Since we were headed to visit my son, I wondered what it must be like to be a mother who had lost her son (or daughter) and to see that signage each time she turned homeward.  I wondered if it brought back her grief afresh.  I confess I have been rather irritated at times with my children lately and feeling I didn't much like them, but seeing that sign I thought of my blessings: two boys who did military duty and thankfully never went to war.  Two girls who have done rather well for themselves in raising their families and making their homes.   Grandchildren who carry on each child's genetic history.   I never have known the grief of losing any of my children except dear Danny.  Yes, I was blessed even if I didn't particularly like some choice or statement made by one of my children at the odd moments in time.

One thing about going to Kingsland is that it is near St. Augustine.   We're talking within an hour and a half or perhaps two hours at most.   It seemed awfully hard to go just that far and not head on to our most favorite place of all.  I know John felt it as well because he mentioned five or six times how near we were.  Well, it's just not meant to be this May.  Perhaps later in the year we can manage it.  It wasn't lack of money but John's not asking for time off.   He has an extra day here and there this month but I loathe driving to St. Augustine and staying just a night or two and then turning around and heading home again.  It's a long drive for an overnight trip.  And really, hotels and condos are a bit of a rip these days.  Check in is generally 4pm and check out is 11am.  That's not even a whole day!

This vacation mindset in May when you've no real vacation is a hardship to me.  Long ago when John worked 7 days on and 7 days off, we often planned a vacation twice a year.  But now, with a 24/48 hour shift constantly rotating us like so much dough in the mixing bowl being kneaded,  it's become practically impossible to plan anything, much less a vacation.  Yes, he does have time built up that he might take off.  But last year, when we'd planned our days out, his boss changed them, putting us in a position where we either cut our vacation short or paid the very much higher weekend rates.  We always try to plan for weekdays because it means we can stay an extra night or upgrade our room to a better one and it's often quieter, as well.  John is asking off now for later in the year.  We shall see if approval is forthcoming in time to make our reservations, and if the days he's requested are the days we're given.

I mentioned that our 25th anniversary is this month; in fact, it's next weekend.   I have been trying to find a place where we might go.  The trouble is the only place we really want to be is...St. Augustine!  I thought I'd had some good ideas for alternative places to visit but John really didn't care for a couple of them.  Then we settled on a place and I went this morning to book a room.  I just happened to start to glance through photos on the website and then to read reviews.  Oh dear!  Not such a nice place after all!

There's no point in booking a room at the winery in the same town because John doesn't drink wine and has no interest in pretending he does, and I'm not so keen on it myself.  These days, given a choice of carbs, I'll generally take mine as a sweet rather than an alcoholic beverage.  I've looked at all the Bed and Breakfasts and those are all booked up for both weekends we have off.   Every lodging available after the wine 'resort' with an available space was standard run of the mill economy hotels on the main highway, not anywhere near the scenic river.   That's not special enough to suit me.
I found a state park nearer home that has a lodge and cabins and thought "Oh that would be nice" only to discover that all the nearest attractions are closed for remodels.  I looked at other state parks but the only attraction is the lovely golf course.  John doesn't want to play alone and I don't care to sit alone in a hotel room if he did.

We're agreed we want to be near water...  So I looked at our home state beaches which are always rather high cost for lodgings and was shocked at how extremely high they were.  I was quite puzzled until I glanced down at the calendar I had beside me.  Memorial Day weekend, the weekend when summer rate hikes begin...  No wonder every decent place is booked up.   Now I'm trying to find an accommodation the week AFTER our anniversary.  I've told John if we do nothing else, we're going to go out to eat...

There's been a strain in my family.  I'm not really sure why or what the source of it is, but I've felt it with each of my children in turn and it hurts me.  John came to me puzzled the other day by something said by one of them and I wasn't able to enlighten him as to why such a statement would have been made.  I hear all of the time how tired these much younger people are, and I don't doubt it.  I remember that soul numbing weariness that work and children and marriage and family combined took on me in my youth.  But can I just say that at 60 and 65, while I appreciate their weariness, with John's work schedule and the work of the house and yard and the errands that encompass life and trying to help here and there, I'm tired, too.   I have been so deeply weary this week after the fast paced trip over last weekend and all week long we've been going, going, going.

But my weariness is also bordered about by grief.  I've been very blessed of late with a new friendship via email.  I'm really enjoying getting to know this lady and find we have a good bit in common.  However, I'm also in the midst of one of those 'subtraction'  seasons.  Friendships I've had for years upon years have faded away.  Everyone else my age is dealing with the same issues anyone our age deals with: children, grandchildren, senior parents, work at home and on a job, etc.  I understand why the relationships are dying away.  There's only so much time available in any given day and priorities have to be made.  Extraneous casual friendships do not even begin to meet that criteria of where time spent has added value.  I understand that.  But oh how I do miss the chatter, the advice, the sympathy and the gentle teasing.  

I don't need anything else to fill my time, and yet I do find at moments each day, time seems to be stretched out before me like a blank sheet of paper just waiting to be filled.  That's why I applied for the job when asked if I was interested.  Well I am interested but I haven't heard a thing.  Perhaps I wasn't qualified enough to suit the requirements of the job.  But I was looking forward to filling some of my mental space with something besides home griefs and concerns.  I was hoping to find I was forging some new acquaintances perhaps.  And then John declared his disappointment that I wouldn't after all be earning an income.  I felt rather deflated.  As though I'd let him down.

Add all of that up and you had one weepy woman this week.  I could go from fine to choking back deep sobs in less than 10 seconds.  I finally determined that what I needed, what I really need is rest and to refocus some of my attention and again begin to feed my soul with sermons and uplifting praise and worship.  It's so easy to drift away when you're paddling hard against the current.  You stop for half a second to rest and you find you're downstream and all that headway has been lost.

Exodus 13:9 this morning read, "And it shall be to you as a sign on your hand and as a memorial between your eyes, that the law of the LORD may be in your mouth."     

It's a reminder to me that there's no such thing as enough when it comes to the nourishment my soul requires.  I have to breathe it, soak in it, live it.

Well, dears, I really must go.  It's been a long day.  I've accomplished less than I thought I might but I have had just what I needed.  Thank you all  for coming to visit.