Coffee Chat: Pardon my Christmas Cheer

Hello dears,
Do come in!  I've coffee and cocoa and hot vanilla milk and iced water and lemonade if you'd rather not pretend the air outdoors isn't heavy and warm and is seasonably chilly and cool instead.

No sweets at the moment.  Those are coming later in the week when I make a batch of Mexican Hot Chocolate cookies for the family holiday.  I'm thinking hard about making something else as a sweet, too, but not sure what at present .   I know in my heart of hearts that in this season too much is always more than we need with a rich meal or treat around nearly every corner in every home but this is a family day and I am one of those who feeds people her love.  Always have been.



The tree turned out nice.  Not what I'd thought it might be but it's nice.  I love my sheep which are not small enough.  They do however, fill up the tree and though I didn't use them all, it is enough.  There are also red birds and a brown bird and frosted glass pine cones and a red plaid ribbon weaving all about through it and it's lovely.

I laughed at myself a little as I'd been reading about decorating my home a couple of years ago  and how I had this vision but then things went in another direction entirely.  Well here's my Christmas décor this year.  I'd imagined a very English sort of Christmas with Dickens Christmas Carol prints in my frames on the wall etc.  What happened?  Well you'll see later this week but in the meantime I'll allow sneak peeks of some of the ornaments on the tree.

The sheep are so cute, though much larger than I'd anticipated once upon the tree.  I will say that they are easy enough to make but I encountered a few problem areas.  The bottoms are very difficult to get just right.  In future I'll likely end redoing these and I'll use plenty of glue or hot glue on that backend of the sheep.  The instructions said to use a tacky glue to adhere tails and ears and I'll tell you right now that hasn't stuck well at all though I used the name brand product and used a plentiful amount.  I'll try hot glue or even sewing them on after this season.

For all that, I'm quite happy with the tree overall.  I have a glittery silver star atop but I'd like a gold one and will look at the dollar store to see if I can find one.  It shouldn't cost very much but it will be more pleasing I think since the tree has such a warm glow overall and the silver star just doesn't have that same appeal.  I'd like it even better if I could find one that lights up.

John asked me how old the tree was when I shared that it had shed something fierce this year.  It's not as old as he imagined it was, his memory going further back to 25 years ago when he bought our first smaller tree, but I reckon it's five or six years old now and it was a cheap one meant to fill the gap between the need of a tree one year and our desire to afford something better...but we couldn't bring ourselves to pay for the better trees and we've just kept using the cheap tree, which has done admirably well,  only this year  refused to light on the bottom row and has shed like it were a live tree.  I suggested perhaps now was the time to seek out a new tree and store it away in the shed for next year.  John assured me if we bought one of the ones we've looked at over the past couple of years ($500 range) we should put it up and keep it up year round, but I said "No...I do like putting it away, so it's special when it does come out."   Cheap though it might have been this tree has been special and it's been lovely for the years we've had it.  I don't need an expensive tree though I do appreciate the 'realness' the higher priced ones  have in their appearance.

But no, I shall not spend $500.  I shall instead wait and look and wait and the tree I want will come to me in it's own good time at a very reasonable price.  Things always seem to work that way if I wait, but never if I rush into purchasing them.  I would like a smaller tree, preferably about 4 -5 feet tall, pre-lit with white lights and I think I'd really like something that looks more like a fir or spruce tree rather than a pine as we've always chosen in the past.

I know that in his heart of hearts John would love a fiber optic tree full of colored lights with a fancy remote to choose how they light up in one of eight or ten ways.   But I had a fiber optic lamp in my teens and it was cheap and flimsy and I can't shake the feeling that the trees would be, too, though I'm likely quite wrong.  Too, I figure if I want color lights on my tree I can add them on cheaply enough but there is no way to get them off if I don't want them is there?  Having seen however, the difference just one added string of lights can make to a tree (and the astronomical cost wanted for those  extra 100 string of lights by tree manufacturers, zowie!)  I am perfectly willing to add a strand or two on my own.   Katie picked up the needed string for our tree this year for $1.50 at the dollar store.  Manufacturers would have you believe they are worth an extra $50 or so per string.  Seriously!  And here's the deal: my pre-lit tree has the exact same lights, the exact same fuses and the exact same type of wire as the ones we just bought.  The main difference is that they are clipped to the branches to hold them in place and if we wanted to do that we might buy those pieces to clip them on for pennies.

We had a nice enough Thanksgiving.  John worked a really tough 24 hour shift before coming home on Thanksgiving morning, but he valiantly fought to stay awake and be good company.   Everyone arrived a little early.   The new baby boy was held by everyone, including the two older little boys.  The baby was just beginning to set up a fuss about his dinner, and Isaac had been kneeling beside the baby seat watching him.  Josh asked "Can't we hold him?" and when I said "Yes, go sit down..." Isaac moved the fastest I've ever seen him move.  He was seated before Josh's long legs were half way to the chair, lol.  They were incredibly gentle and sweet.  Naturally I hovered right over them watching to make sure no sudden moves would bring the baby to harm.  The boys were enchanted.  Later, Josh asked, "Aunt Katie, can't he walk yet?"  and still a bit later, "Does he know how to play ball?"   It shall be fun seeing them with their baby sister in February.


I mentioned my 'fly in the ointment' moment that day which disappointed me far more than I can say.  You see I was in blissful (and I do mean blissful) ignorance of the discord going on.  I'd even sat back in awe at one point and thought "Finally!  a proper family gathering with out any upset or hurt," and wondered at how on earth it had occurred and been thankful for it.  There was only one thing at the very end that was not as it should have been, a very terse and almost rude comment made to another guest and I let it slide because after all it had been such a nice day...

And then, as soon as people began drifting away, I was told  by John that it had not been as I thought.  He shared the talk that had gone on between him and another.   I was so angry when I heard the first report that I uttered an expletive then teared up.   As I was taking Katie home I heard from her that she  had been cornered and targeted with the same poisonous and bitter talk that John had been bombarded with.   I cried on my way back home...Later in the week a third guest reported that he too had been forced to listen to a recitation of it all...

I got very depressed that evening.  I'm sure a portion of my blues was tied to the rich foods , subsequent drop in blood sugar,  the heavy work done that morning and the lack of good sleep the night before, but it owed a good deal to the hatefulness of what was done and the realization that I have but one choice: to stop inviting this person into my home.  The most frustrating thing of all is that the person causing the upset and hurt had purposely avoided the discussion of these things in much more appropriate and private occasions and might even have made a phone call to discuss them with the person they were most upset with.  The subject had come up in a phone call between us when I was screamed at earlier in the month and I'd said then, "You really need to call and discuss this issue with 'X'.  I'm not going to discuss this further with you."   But, no.

This person is very passive aggressive in this manner, often taking advantage of a public occasion to bring up subjects that have festered and been built up in their own mind.  I suspect it's done in this way because things are said very quietly but meant to draw blood or to send another into a tailspin of panic and then the culprit puts on an innocent air and cries and wails and assures that what was heard wasn't what was said.  Believe me after all these years, I know too well how the whole thing plays out and so does the rest of the family, so we've all learned to internalize our angst and do our best to hide our dismay because the failure to cause a scene is not a satisfactory outcome for this person.

It makes it even more frustrating, because one can't say "That's a lie" or "That's not true..."   No there is always an element of truth in the vitrol being spewed about but the result of refusing to discuss it makes this person more and more convinced that they are a sorely used victim and the rude terse remark at the end of the day was directed at someone who had not even been spoken to but was the real intended target of unreasonable anger.

And so part of my depression was the sad realization that after so many years it was indeed time to give my family peace on holidays which have been as miserable for them as they have been for me.  It hurts that I have insisted on inviting this misery on them year after year.   

But after allowing this to swirl and whirl for a good part of a week in my head, I finally sat down with my journal (why didn't I just start there?!) and wrote things out and I began to realize my own truths.  I am not responsible for the problems another generates by stubbornly refusing sound advice.  I am not responsible for that person's happiness nor misery.  I don't have that much power!   I should not feel guilty for establishing boundaries that I will not allow this person to cross.  

My family has honored my request to never be rude or disrespectful to this person no matter how well deserved.  And believe you me, if there are buttons to be pushed or feelings to be hurt, this one has meant to push and to hurt. But it's time to call a halt to it.  After all this time, it is clear that the behavior is only getting more and more prevalent and that there is no intention nor desire to change.  So I must change.

I'm not foolish.  I know too well that there will always be one conflict or another that arises in a family situation.  Family members will be at odds and upsets will occur intentionally and unintentionally.  I know this is part of life. But I do not have to openly invite unremitting discord into our gatherings and I shall not.


Now how does that tie into Christmas cheer?  Well it made me determined that this year, this Christmas season, which I think begins in the days counting down from Thanksgiving, would be happy and joyful.  There must be work and tasks that must be done out of duty but there should be real joy this time of year, too, I think, especially after the difficulties we've faced and come through over the past year.

And so here I am, with a lit tree and Christmas music playing and a feeling of anticipation and happiness that I seldom experience this early in the season.   There's a lovely couple of holidays ahead: family day, a possible outing,  Christmas and Chanukah.  There's a New Year looming, one in which I have great expectations because there is hope once more. I feel I've been through a long dark night but light is breaking on the horizon.  I know that another tough season will come.  It's bound to do so, but oh! it's time now to have a season of joy, don't you think?  I could well sit here and fume and worry about what might come in the future, but why?  So often my worries come to naught and the things that happen are things I never expected anyway.

What shall I do to insure a season of joy?  I'm going to do something special every single day for the month of December.  For one thing, so far we've 'toured' Carmel by the Sea via several video blogs.  Marathon videos on YouTube mightn't sound fun to many but if it's a special destination that I've always wanted to visit, then it's a pleasure to me especially when I get to see the town lit for the holidays.   We also 'visited' St. Augustine via YouTube and took a trolley ride to see the city lit up for Nights of Lights.   That was fun and made us homesick for the place too, lol.  John started talking of vacation in February, but I reminded him there's a baby coming...Whoa with the plans!

I'll decorate other areas of the house, nothing over the top but just some little special touch.  I'd like to buy myself an amaryllis, I got a Christmas cactus  and I long to purchase a lemon cypress which smells so nice.   I'll bake cookies, we'll watch special movies that we watch only this time of year, I'll read my favorite Christmas stories from best loved books like Little Women.  I've bookmarked a couple of things I hope John and I might get to do but I'll not fuss if we can't.  There's plenty that might be done for no cost at all or very little and a small commitment of time...And let's face it, it's not often costs that prevent us doing anything we really want to do.  It's almost always the failure to budget the time to make our wants happen, isn't it?

 I've already planned  things for Chanukah: we have special coffee mugs which change once hot coffee is put in them.   I'll make latkes one  and buy  jelly filled doughnuts that we'll likely eat for breakfast.  I don't usually have carb heavy treats  I've found a movie and some special music, we'll play the Dreidel game and I've ordered a small packet of See's Chocolate bars.

I can think of all sorts of lovely things to do!

John and I were discussing his retirement which comes up daily these days.  We have an official date and he will begin to set things in motion very shortly.  Of course, he periodically worries     about one thing and another but I think it's all going to go far better than he thinks.  For one thing, he'll no longer be working these dreaded 24/48 shifts.  He's already been informed that the county will happily rehire him to work part time and he's been approved for a 12 hour shift once or twice a week instead of a 24 hour shift every third day.    We've seen a hefty bill considerably reduced, which neatly closes the gap between retirement income and our current one.  We've the luxury of being debt free and if savings this year wasn't what I'd planned to make it I'm still astonished that we've done what we have this year.  I am teetering on having repaid the full amount we took from savings to put in the new foundation and we've come to the end of a season of need in our family.

I chuckled when John prayed one more time the other night about our future income.  I asked him afterward if he'd any idea of how many years we've lived off our current income.  He shook his head.  "About 26 years...we've had nearly the exact same net annual income for the past 20 years, despite inflation and cost of living and home repairs and children in school and out and moving away from home and back in again.  We've done absolutely every single thing on about the exact same income we have now for the past 26 years."

 I know he doubts that's true, after all his income records show that his pay increased over the years but technically, I am quite right.  There were windfalls and inheritances that were small enough to boost our income without being enough to be taxable (we had an accountant doing our taxes at the time so I'm quite sure of that!).  There were seasons when I worked and earned the same thing John was making  which meant our income then was ta da! the same as he's earning now.  It makes me laugh when I think how we've worried and feared and struggled and yet, here we are  years nearly 30 years later and it looks as though our retirement is going to be pretty much the same as what we've lived off each year anyway.  I feel God chuckles when he sees us fretting.   Jesus did say "Don't worry about tomorrow..." didn't he?

I made it all the way through November with my small capsule wardrobe.  I was mighty tempted to add in this piece or that but in the end, I reminded myself I'd vowed to try it for 30 days and I'd put back that extra item and reinvent the capsule basic wardrobe all over again.  My take away of the experiment?  That I don't need as many clothes as I have at present but I'd not like to have such a small wardrobe as the one I used in November.  I also realized that while one piece may not suit me at all in one outfit, in another it might well be the star...I'll be less hasty to say I don't like something in the future.

That maroon long sleeved t-shirt comes immediately to mind.   When I wore it with the black jeans, I felt incredibly well dressed!  That was a huge surprise to me.  I wore the same shirt later with the olive drab jeans and I felt a bit like a too early bid for Christmas though the colors go well together.  When I wore it with my blue jeans the day the baby was born, I felt underdressed...I'll lay that at the necklace that basically disappeared against the shirt.

Well the November capsule was enough of a success that I've set up different pieces and more of them for winter wear that I'll try to share photos of this week.    I chose to incorporate pieces for all sorts weather since that would be typical of December through February in my area.  It might be anything from tropical to freezing and so I have heavy sweaters and heavy knit pants, as well as lightweight tops, cardigans and jeans.  I mean to try to wear these things for  three months...So we'll see how that goes, but I don't mean to be as strict as in November.   I've chosen a less colorful,  more basic neutrals sort of palette for my winter capsule.  I'm not sure how that's going to suit me.  I've got teals, grays and black and white.   I've plenty of accessories to add color and fun.

Did I share that when I was clearing up the mess in my closet I sorted through shoes?  I wheedled those down considerably.  It was a late afternoon after I'd spent plenty of time on my feet and it seemed to me a good time to try on shoes I've kept  forever.  When I first lost weight in 2015, my shoe size went down to 7.5 from an 8.5.  Now I find I am nearer 8 - 8.5 depending upon the shoe.  It took absolutely no time to determine what shoes fit comfortably that afternoon and which ones hurt!   And I found one pair of shoes I've never worn at all...Well that will be remedied in this month because I've made them part of my December capsule!

So that's my brief little coffee chat...I hope to have more posts this month because writing is also a joy for me and I find this season of the year is often full of thinking as I look behind and ahead and I contemplate the significance of the month overall.