I have had quite a struggle over the past 16 or so hours. It began last night as I listened to a young man preaching. The previous week they'd had a young female evangelist, and this was a young man as well as it's a special series for their youths. Anyway, I kept listening and learned a thing or two, but one part of my mind was struggling with the ideal of 'being holy' and leading an ordinary every day responsible life. I do understand that one might lead a good and godly life even while doing ordinary things, but I often feel we're not really being taught how to do both but made to feel that we must choose the one or the other. Anyone else have that struggle?
Now no one has suggested I need to lay down my daily life in order to sit at the feet of God to study and praise. But sometimes I do feel that I'm being told that I'm not focusing nearly enough of my time and attention on the better, higher things. And I'm not! I know this to be true. It's probably why I keep feeling my toes are being trod upon!
It's a struggle I've had for years now. I've always said that I felt Martha got a bum rap as she was doing what was necessary and needful and something that would have been missed had she not been busy doing it. I'll grant you she might have kept quiet and not complained to Jesus about Mary's not helping. But still...
So, as I'm listening to the sermon last night, I was struggling with my idea of what constitutes a spiritual life and that led me to begin arguing with myself and eventually with the pastor even if I did keep my mouth quiet. It rather spoiled the sermon for me in the end, if you want to know the truth. Not the preacher's fault but my own for letting the internal mind speak louder than the message I was hearing.
This morning, I got up and got busy in the kitchen right away, as I did on Monday and Tuesday. I ignored my Bible and the study on the Holy Spirit I was so excited to finally begin in fact rather than merely listen to sermons as I drove to work each morning.
I'd decided that I wanted to go back over the first part of this study which was lengthy and jot down my thoughts, use the lexicon to determine the depth of meaning of various references and just study in general before I moved on to Day 2 of the study. I was reading verses and writing, and all the time part of my brain was saying, "Gosh this is eating up time. You know you really need to do that freezer inventory and take out compost and sweep the floor." "You really ought to start planting seeds if you really mean to have a fall garden." "Boy the front porch needs to be cleaned off and remember how dirty the back porch looks?"
I was so distracted. I began to get impatient at how long just working on section 1 of the Day 1 study was taking. I was frustrated because that voice in my head was so loud. Finally, I looked up at John and confessed how hard I'd been struggling since last night and working on today's study portion and all the reasons why I felt as did.
The truth is I am and have been excited about this particular study for months now. The idea of it came to me in May. When our pastor started his series on the subject in June, I was excited. When I went to work keeping the children, I determined I'd at least listen to various sermons on my way to work each morning and I did for all but the last week of that travel time. Why was that time so easy for me? Because it occupied a portion of time in which I really couldn't do anything else. It was down time.
John listened and nodded, and we talked a bit about what the real distraction was. It was my sense of what I ought to be doing. It has nothing to do with what thing holds the most value to me, but it does have everything to do with what I feel is my work calling.
I long to gain knowledge of spiritual things. I long to learn of these things and understand them and ponder on them. I thoroughly enjoy every study I undertake, once I settle to it. But I am plagued by the idea that I'm not a scholar. I am a wife, a homemaker, a care giver and therefore study must be something I fit into a pocket of time unrelated to my work hours. The trouble is at the end of a workday I am too tired to concentrate on study. So, I miss out on something that truly does inspire me and lifts me up.
This morning, I told myself I'm not on a deadline to get anything done. Not a freezer inventory or to clean a porch. I can't do it all and I can't do everything. At some point I have to choose. I chose this morning to take my time working on that first portion of the Day 1 study and getting a clear idea of what I needed to understand in order to fully grasp the information I was given.
And as it happens, I did get the freezer inventory done. I got the kitchen cleaned up and the housework attended to. True, the compost is still waiting to go outdoors, the garden hasn't been planted, and the porch is still dirty but there's still plenty of the day left in which work might be done.
I pray that tomorrow I'll remember all of this and enjoy my study time as I ought instead of letting it be spoiled by the day-to-day distractions.
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2 comments:
This is a very thought provoking post. I would imagine that is something that most women struggle with...Mary or Martha? The Farmer and I have gotten into the routine of doing our Scripture studies (separately) after breakfast. The only time we study together is on the Sabbath. It took a while for the development of this study method. IMHO, I feel that Yehovah blesses us for our study time, and enables us to continue with chores afterward.
Stay cool, my dear. It has been beastly here in the Indianapolis area.
I have had the same thoughts about that particular scripture. I also find my mind wanders to everything else I need to be doing while reading and studying the word. I think we both need to learn to be okay with sitting down and doing something for ourselves. Sue in MN
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