Shabat Thoughts - The Calling
There are times, when I feel burdened by others' expectations of me, when I want to just run and shelter somewhere until everyone's needs are met and I can sneak out of my hiding place while they are happily occupied elsewhere. Being an introvert by nature, prone to feel overly anxious about my ability to meet the needs of multiple people at once, I am an unlikely candidate to be favored by others for company. I struggle with this often when I am hale and hearty. When I'm ill or stressed otherwise, I can go to pieces over the idea of having to meet anyone's needs, no matter how undemanding they are.
Later in the week that followed, as I dressed to face the day, I still felt a bit under weather and thought over a possible pending visit. Why, I wondered, did anyone feel the need to spend time with me even while I was ill, putting themselves at risk, perhaps putting me at risk of further infection? Why?
And then I reviewed in my mind the other options this person had for company. Any one of them would be compassionate and caring and happy to tend to someone who didn't feel well. They lacked only one thing that I did have and suddenly I knew it wasn't myself that was the drawing card, it was my faith. That made me feel very humble and very much in awe that it wasn't just the people in our home who are wanted but the presence of our God. My family is hungry for that faith sadly lacking in the world at large and the many people they know. When they want comfort they call us, visit us, text us. When they are hurting or afraid or ill they turn to us. It is to us they come when the world overwhelms them and when we lay hands upon them, pray over them they go away restored, shored up against the next round of life that must be faced.
I didn't feel any better physically, but I lost that sense of despair that I might fail as a hostess, or a mom or a daughter or wife and simply let go of any idea that this visit was going to be about me. It wasn't about me. It's about the God I serve, and the need of my loved one for His reassuring presence. Thankfully, He doesn't fail to meet needs, He doesn't require my physical well being, He doesn't need me to be perfect. All I need to be is open to His leading, pray that He will allow me to be used by Him and let go...He'll take care of all the rest.
Now I just need to remember that next time I panic at the idea of company coming calling!