Hello all. I'm sorry I missed posting yesterday. I went to visit Mama and frankly it was not a happy visit. I cut it as short as I reasonably could, but I lost my temper more than once and got unpleasantly snippy at the last point. As you all know, my relationship with my mom has always been rocky at best. I took the bait she offered and reacted in a way that I felt was less than I'd have liked. It did not help in the least that she gave a sort of sly smile when I bit that dangled bait. I knew she felt she'd 'won' something. For the life of me I can't understand why she wants to be the way she is, nor why I'm not better at controlling my reaction to her actions.
Anyway, I was a bit blue coming home because my internal dialogue after that final upset ran along the lines of scrapping this whole eating plan, going to get something especially high calorie and heavily sweetened and over-indulging. I'm telling you, as a former compulsive eater, I loathe the days when this habit rears its head, and I start planning a binge. It's like failing twice in my eyes, to first fall for Mama's trick and then to want my familiar old comfort pattern of overeating.
However, I held firm, avoided all danger zones (stores, drive thru restaurants) and came home, settling for my acceptable portion of dark chocolate and a tall glass of iced water as my 'comfort'. Then I distracted myself further by digging into genealogy research. By the end of the day, knowing I'd remained in control of this one former habit was a booster shot for me, a much needed one.
John went out to have lunch with his former partner. The contractor came by to drop off materials and John wasn't too far behind him coming in. We talked for a few minutes before Travis left and then John and I had a long talk.
I went off to bed early-ish but did I go to sleep? No, I did not. I dozed here and there and then finally at 4:30, I came to the living room, took up my journal and did a brain dump of all the thoughts that had been repeatedly racing in my head. About 5am, I crawled into bed and went right to sleep and slept until 8am.
I realized last night (aka early this morning) that one thing I could do something about was the congestion of things in the back entry. Travis means to start the paintwork and such in the laundry area. That is essentially an open closet off the back entry. John had six pairs of shoes, a chainsaw, other things meant for his shed in that space and that is also where he put the three five-gallon buckets of paint. There are also two five-gallon buckets we store pet foods in and shopping bags meant to go to the car, etc. etc. The floor was gritty and sandy. We'd already started emptying the laundry area into the kitchen sitting area, so the overall appearance was not organized, neat or clutter-free. It really weighed heavily on me. I know that essentially this was truly about controlling what I can, the one thing that is within my full ability to handle.
Well, it's better. Not quite all I'd have it be, but I've done what I could and now we can move and breathe in that space. I did a Friday blessing of the house and when I got too warm, I'd sit down and work on copying the new notes into my notebook. I am so very close to finishing the work on this particular family line and very ready to tackle something fresh on the other side of the family, but I have added a load of information, corrected some mistakes, avoided other mistakes and just generally been interested in what I was doing. When I'm done, I'll have a far better organized set of notes than I'd had with legible pages to read.
We're supposed to go get gas for my car and the mower. I tried to fill my own car yesterday and I'm perfectly capable of doing so. What I cannot do is open the darn gas cap. I'm a righty. John's a lefty. The way he puts that cap back on means that I cannot turn it more than half a turn and then I'm stopped from going any further due to the little tether on the lid that attaches to the door on the car. In the past I've had to resort to asking random strangers (all men) to wrestle it off for me. I find this very frustrating because I can open it just fine if I put it on, but I cannot do it when John is the last to put gas in the car.
I have no clue what we'll have for dinner tonight. I have sirloin thawed but I'm not sure I want anything that heavy for my last meal today. I don't have any other reasonable options in mind either. I know I also need to think now about what meals we'll eat this weekend because I know well, we're going to want something to eat.
Travis is supposed to begin the painting tomorrow. Sunday we're taking Gramma's Fried Chicken to Katie's house as it's the only time this month we'll see Taylor until the last weekend of the month. Simple plans overall.
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11 comments:
Hi Terri, I really like the new plan you have for the blog. I’m so sorry your mama messed with you! A strategy I’ve used when I need to be near someone who’s toxic, is to go to “yellow alert!” I then mentally put myself in a protective plastic bubble. I can see, they can see … but, the garbage slides right off me and can’t get to me. Later, I thoroughly wash myself to get rid of the garbage. I have trouble with emotional eating … so, I’m really proud of you for making it home and sticking with your food plan. Nice ❤️ Take care ((()))
You might find that the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is helpful. It offers lots of insight and coping mechanisms. A toxic relationship does not have to continue, you are free to change the parameters or discontinue all contact. Honestly, what does she bring to your life that is good? I am sorry you are still being tormented by her behaviors; you survived a childhood of them, but you don't have to anymore. If I am reading the situation incorrectly, I apologize. I think the greatest anger I have experienced was one day when I realized how much better my life might have turned out, if I didn't spend so much of my emotional life (then and now) trying to make up for the deficits my mother programmed into me.
((( Terri ))) Just a quick note to let you know I am thinking of you! Also, I love your violet wallpaper!!
Oh, Terri. I am sorry your visit with your mom was not a good one. Congratulations on sitcking with your resolve about eating. That means as hurtful as things were, she did not win. My mother was controlling and manipulative and very sneaky about it. If you met her, she appeared as meek and mild as the little church mouse, but she could torment me and my sisters. Especially me, since I am the youngesst and she had me later in life and I was home the longest. When I refused to play her game and started living my life my way, I can't say things got better, but I got better at dealing with it. Sadly, it got worse as she got older until dementia took over. I don't have a solution because each situation is different. Just know as shown by the comments, you are loved by many friends and you are valued. We are here to support you. Hugs, my friend.
Big congratulations on sticking with your healthy eating plan! It's so HARD, I know. I'm sorry about your mother's cruelty toward you.
Usually before I visit I listen to scripture or worship music o the way over. John always prays over me, too. But this particular morning, I didn't listen to the Word. I listened to a Jane Austen historian talk about Pride and Prejudice.
And you have a great idea to see a protective bubble over myself. There are actually facts about showering after such an event (it's also instinctive for us to want to shower following trauma) because there are negative ions that cling to your electromagnetic field. Showering will change those to positive ions and cleanse the natural field of energy that surrounds each of us.
Thank you. I needed these reminders of what I can do in the future.
Mable, I've honestly been under the impression that I needed to show her Christian compassion. I'm not really sure that's God driven, however. In light of a sermon, I heard today at church (and those messages do seem to come just as I truly need them) and one of the things Pastor said was that if guilt is repetitive, it may be the enemy who is using it against us. That is not all he said and obviously you'd need to hear the whole sermon to understand the full context of it but it really hit me hard.
God requires of me that I forgive my mother (and I have). That's all.
BUT I know that the distancing is vital as well. I have listened to several counselors (online) about narcissistic parents and it's eerie how often I hear literally the same things said to me coming out of others mouths as they relate their stories of abuses. However, I also found it so painful to hear those stories that I can only take them on a very limited basis. I did however, learn that distancing myself was necessary.
I will continue to distance. Were she not 88, it would be easy to walk away. It's merely that I do feel some consideration for her age and the possibility (too real) that I shall have to be her caregiver to some extent in the near future.
Maxine, I really should get myself some violet seeds to plant. I do love them so much!
Frances, exactly. What she says in front of another never sounds 'loaded' but if you know the back story behind what she's saying in such a sweet voice...My mother has never liked me, not sure she loves me. She still cannot speak of my birth without raising her voice and getting angry and believe me she brings that up often enough as well.
Thank you all for your support and love!!
Marceline, Thank you. I've learned through the years that when I feel most compelled to over indulge that is exactly the moment NOT to do so.
And thank you for the sympathy. It's much appreciated!
Like I've said many times before, and like all these dear fellow friends of yours have said today - I'm SO proud of you. You are such an amazing daughter. Your humanness may grieve your spirit but I know it was nothing that was done maliciously. It was done from a place of hurt and wounds that have been picked at over and over again by the one who caused them.
Wow the idea of the protective bubble and Yellow Alert are great that Casey shared. I love your idea of showering after too. That's very interesting.
Continuing to lift you in prayer. Can't wait for your painting to be done. I know that will bring some bright joy this week!
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