For Me

 

Monday, July 20:  It amazes me to realize that we are so nearly to the end of July.  Yes, I know, it sounds as though I am rushing it along, but I think the reason I feel it has flown by thus far is because I haven't been well for most of it. 

This week is free of any commitments, appointments, birthdays, etc.  And I have decided that this week officially is MINE.  I have made plans to work some, to be at home, to go to the peach shed, to make small changes in my home.  I will stay up late, sleep in, make yummy things to eat using what I have.  I have a jigsaw puzzle Katie gifted me for Mother's Day to play with, a stack of books, a list of movies to watch.  I'm giving myself permission to take naps, to cry all I'd like, and basically just do as I'd please. This week is just for me.

I have been so weary with being ill and then having the sciatica flare up that I have been very emotional for the past week.  After examining my wants vs. needs, I realized that since John died, four months ago this week, that I have been in Go, Go, Go mode pretty much since his last Saturday evening. I am ready for a break.  I'd hoped to take a trip this month, but it simply didn't work out what with car repairs and mower repairs and birthdays, appointments, promises made, etc.  So here I am.  At home for the next 6 days with nothing to do but please myself.

Thursday:  This week has truly been what I'd said it would be.  A week for me.  I went nowhere until yesterday, when I woke earlier than usual and decided that I'd take myself out to breakfast (sort of).  I went over to the next town and bought a chicken biscuit, something that John and I saved for special occasions.  The occasions usually being a travel day for vacation.  No such plans this time around, but I'm happy to report that the chicken biscuit tasted as good as it ever has.  I ate it in a parking lot of a grocery store, sipping my hot coffee and taking my own sweet time.

I'd have taken it out to the graveyard to sit with Elizabeth Slappey, whom I've sadly neglected for a long time now, but I wanted to go to the peach shed.  They'd already announced they'd be closing in a week's time and I was suddenly mindful of how many of my days did not include a truly ripe peach.  And I was determined that I'd get some before the season was over and done.    

This time I played it smart and picked the very largest ones of several varieties I could find.  After all, they are priced at $1 each if you're not buying a 1/2 bushel and I may as well pay $1 for the very biggest I can find, right?  I still mixed the varieties all up in my bag, so I have no clue which is which.  I don't care really.  They are peaches.

I ran into my local grocery for milk, hoped for a green tomato but found none, and picked up a package of bacon so I might have a BLT this week at some point.

Then I came home and did what I've done a lot of this week.  I cried.  I cried for John's passing, for the hurts in the family that I can't heal, for the end of peach season, for the painful nights of not sleeping due to sciatica, for not feeling good, for missing John.

This week, I am going to be as sad as I feel and get it out of my system, because next week, I am scheduled, appointed, needed.  This week none of that has interfered.

I had a long phone conversation with Amie which made me feel better overall, though I have no clue why.  I made meals, I tried to piece the borders of a new puzzle, I took a long nap without any planning on my part.

Last night I went to bed early, before dark, and I slept until 5:30 this morning.  Then I got up and sat in my chair and slept until 8.  I fought myself to wake up and seriously contemplated going back to bed.

When I went out to feed Sassy, I found her alone and talkative and loving, which is highly unusual for her.  I wondered worriedly where Rufus was, but of late he's not always out on the porch when I go out.  I did laundry and hung it to dry and found Sassy on the front porch, still needy and loving and talkative.

Josh phoned me about noon and said he had something to bring over.  When he came in he told me he'd found Rufus...

So we bid goodbye to a dog who never allowed us to own him exactly, but he claimed us as his.  There's not a single grandchild who hasn't been loved and greeted by him with real affection.  There was never a time he greeted me that he didn't bow like an old knight before my feet, giving me the status of being his queen.  There never was such a dog.  He hated to be groomed or trimmed, preferred to be rough and dirty and made it clear that he belonged wherever he chose to be at that moment.  Sometimes with Bess, sometimes with me, sometimes at a house in the neighborhood.  He was forever in a relationship of sorts with a female, cat or dog, didn't matter.  He'd happily greet them, allow them to kiss and admire him and happily roam with them wherever they wanted to go.  He was faithful, in his own way, to everyone he loved.  And he was protective.  Many a time he got between me and a delivery man and stood his ground warning them off, though he barely stood 12 inches high.

He was a good dog.  May he roam happily in the hereafter.

Saturday, July 25:  I didn't accomplish much this week.  To be honest, I never meant to.  I meant to do exactly what I did.  To treat myself gently and tenderly, allow my emotions to be what they were, to sleep as much as I needed, to nourish my body in mostly healthy ways, and to ease my way through the days alone.  I did just that.

As a result, the sciatica has eased considerably.  I'm sleeping at night and often switching off the alarm in the morning and taking an extra half hour.  I've napped or simply go to lie down in the afternoon if I felt tired.  

I tried to work a jigsaw puzzle, but I found it overwhelming which is unusual for me.  I gave myself permission to put it away and try again later.  I didn't read much.  I watched TV but not to excess.  I spent a lot of time just being quiet.  I woke yesterday morning and felt the stirrings of a body ready to get back into regular work/play routines.  I am pushing myself to continue resting through this weekend, but I can tell that I've made a major difference in how I feel physically and mentally.

This week meant for me has done its work.  Perhaps in the future I'll feel I'll need another such time. And if I do, I shall try to remember how much this week has benefitted me.  Even when faced with another loss in my life.  Even when I might feel lonely, which has nothing to do with being alone.  

Next week I'll have Caleb two or three days.  Can't remember exactly how long but it's back to school time in our state.  Cody has to return to work for training and maintenance things.  Sam starts his new job as a teacher on Tuesday.  His children go to school on Wednesday.

I don't guess we can call it summer break anymore.  Summer is hardly over.  But the children had a nice break.  

And my calendar is filling up once more.  Keeping Caleb, an appointment, a lunch date with my missionary friends who are stateside, errands and planning a new month.  Life goes on.  But it was totally worthwhile to take this week off and just be what I needed to be for a little while.