Wednesday, May 20: I did it. I finally took the plunge and went to a 'proper' salon and got a proper haircut. Even though I had only a lot of pictures and vague ideas of what I wanted, I got a decent cut. I was flabbergasted at the cost, roughly 2.5 times what it costs at 'Gyp and Clip'. But this experience includes the shampoo and styling...Making it an experience to enjoy. I've contemplated over and over again whether it is genuinely worthwhile to spend such a sum getting hair washed and cut.
I've decided that yes, yes, it is. Number one because they do include the extras, the things that makes one feel they are in a salon, the things which are all extra fees at 'Gyp and Clip' and would run their costs up nearer to what they charge in the proper salon. Number two, I felt pampered and cared for. Not rushed. Number three, they suggested I not return for 8 weeks since I am still in the process of growing my hair out. So, the extra cost is at least spread over 2 months and not a monthly charge as it is at the places I've gone to in the past.
I haven't yet washed and styled the new cut myself, so I don't know how it will look when I do. But most importantly, I kept a promise to myself and went somewhere that had no time restrictions on how long you might be in the chair and got a cut from someone who is aware of current trends and styles and interested in keeping her training up to date.
I've been busy all this week. Sunday, I went to church and then to the grocery store. I find that I naturally have fallen into going about every other week to do a bigger shop and usually I do that on Sundays when I'm in the area for church.
I spent a little more than usual but also bought things that are occasional use small quantity items that I was out of. It was all on sale. That's why I bought it, because occasional use or not, I was determined to purchase on sale.
I can't say I was particularly shocked or upset over prices. Things are the price they are and I choose whether or not to purchase based on my budget and my own level of comfort with what I want to eat. I make swaps all of the time based on price for items that seldom taste that different one from the other and then I'm happy to splurge on the few items that I absolutely prefer.
I treated myself to a lovely bouquet of flowers, another promise I made to myself for May. I am leaning hard on the most vibrant colors lately...Not the weirdly dyed flower colors but colors like deep fuchsia and magenta and hot pink.
Monday, I went to see Millie's kindergarten graduation. Millie's 'ceremony' took nearly 2 hours and was just like a high school graduation with presenting of colors by the ROTC and children reciting poems instead of giving the valedictory speeches and the presentation of a 'diploma'. They did four or five songs, gave all the children a bucket of candy and toys and sent them all home.
I spent the rest of the afternoon clearing the desk in the Music Room. To be honest, I struggled hard Saturday, Sunday and Monday to feel much of anything besides being tired and blue. I went to bed early every night and slept hard. I think I just overdid it, emotionally and physically, last week.
Yesterday, I got up and got ready early though I wanted very much to stay in bed and sleep. However, it was election day here in Georgia and I needed to get out to go vote. I tried to make the day count by loading up all of the donation items from the Music Room into the car so I could take them to the thrift store. I gathered up outgoing mail and made sure I had the documents I needed to get legal matters tended to, as well.
I arrived at one office to find that court was in session in that town, which made it very crowded. The voting precinct for that town is across from the courthouse, too. The office I needed was two doors down from the voting precinct. Parking was hard to come by. Then I found the office I needed had decided to close early for unknown reasons. I didn't want to wait an hour and a half for them to return. There is nothing at all to do in that town, no garden center, no stores to browse. And the restaurants where I might have chosen to eat were packed because it was court day.
So, I decided to head over to my usual shopping area to drop the donations. That drive was nearly an hour. I grabbed lunch and went into Hobby Lobby where I chose two frames for pictures I was going to have matted. I was very pleasantly surprised that the frames were 40% off, so frame, mat and having the young man cut and mount the pictures cost less than the price of the frames alone would have done.
Both of these pictures will go into the kitchen, and I think that pretty much completes all I want to hang in that room. I also bought a frame for a piece I wanted to hang in the music room but realized when I got home that I'd left a frame I was going to donate that was a better size for that piece. I am going to take the new piece back to the store.
So, Tuesday was another long day out and by the time I headed home, I did not feel like returning to the county office to do my task. I told myself that I'd get it done today, Wednesday, which I did.
And then I went all the way back to Warner Robins because I'd had enough of my ragged looking hair. I got my haircut, went into a store I've always wanted to just browse around in. I found they had nothing resembling plus sizes, but they kept assuring me that their Mediums ran 'really large'...I didn't know if I should be frustrated with them or appreciative of the fact that they seemed to sincerely believe I might fit into a medium, lol. No loss going in, as I found a pretty piece of art that I want to use in my new music room/study.
I stopped on the way home and wandered around a lovely garden center that is set up in an old barn. That turned into a lovely interlude in my day. I was quite by myself there, having missed the sign saying the proprietor had a 12:30 appointment (seems to be a thing I keep running into). The nursery was set up in 'rooms' and there were flowers everywhere. It was so peaceful and quiet, with nothing but the sounds of birds chirping and bees buzzing. And I had it all to myself! I saw lots of very healthy and lovely perennials that I hope to return and purchase in a week or so.
I'd promised Sam I'd keep Millie while he took Isaac to an appointment. Josh walked over after he got off the bus at his house. He's such a 'teen' lately. He calls me 'Grandmother'...I've not said a word about it. I've been Gramma most of his life, except when he first began to talk. Then I was 'Gah-ah', and I answered to it, so if he wants to call me Grandmother now, I can answer to that, too. It amuses me that he needs to make me his exclusively in that way. He's holed up in the dark guest room playing a game. Millie's tearing the house down, playing bowling in the kitchen.
I chuckle to myself recalling that when Josh was two, he had a similar Melissa and Doug bowling set and two of the pins (with their eyes and happy smiles) were adopted as his babies which he carried about with him everywhere...Long way from the pre-teen sequestered in my dark guest room...
Now I am off to start my supper. Sam will be here in a little bit and he's going to put the new tag on the Honda for me. Then this day will also be done.
Thursday, May 21: I so wanted to lie in bed and sleep this morning, but I got up and showered and dressed. I am putting new healthy practices into my routine, like not having coffee first thing in the morning, but having lemon water instead, and going out to sit with the morning sun in my eyes. Both are meant to be great for lowering cortisol and resetting digestive and circadian rhythms.
I downloaded Cornell University's Merlin app onto my phone a few weeks ago. I set it to record for 10 minutes while I'm on the porch and it's always interesting to see how many bird calls it will pick up. 10 minutes also happens to be how long I need to sit with my face towards the sun, so it's a nice way to time myself. I close my eyes and just sit there and listen and not think. I like feeling the warmth of the sun on my face and the peacefulness I feel.
I got up after my ten minutes today and worked in the yard for about an hour. I don't try to accomplish loads of things, but I wander about and do what I see needs to be done. Pull weeds here, deadhead a flower there, adjust a brick out of place, pick up a pile of sticks. I try to work for a solid hour, but I let the heat and the heaviness of tasks dictate how long I actually stay.
I came in today after my morning yard work and made my coffee, then went to write out morning pages (a form of journaling), another routine thing I'm trying to return to the habit of doing. Then after breakfast I walked through the house and did general pick up and tidying, planned meals for the rest of the day and made myself a tall glass of Peach Iced Tea.
A few years ago, I couldn't imagine summer without Peach Tea...I just happened to see the tea bags today in my stash and I decided to brew one. Now I have to go order more of them, because I'd forgotten how good they are. I used to order from Amazon, but apparently, the company do only their own online mail order. I think it's going to be my go-to treat for this next month and perhaps for the summer. Another healthy thing...I'm planning to replace sugar free drinks with unsweetened iced tea or unsweetened Dalgona coffees.
Tomorrow I must be out again. I have to make a return, pick up a gift, and get birthday cards together and ready to mail because I am about to be hit with a birthday, or two, every week for the next five weeks. I'd like to go back by that garden nursery I had to myself yesterday. She had a lovely selection of coleus of all colors and types. I may be thinking perennials, but coleus is one annual that lasts and lasts. It brings color when nothing else is blooming due to the heat and it's so easy to propagate so that I have fresh plants all summer and fall long.
I've stumbled upon a playlist of Opera Arias...Such glorious music and such passion in the singing. Oh my! It's carrying me through this afternoon very nicely indeed.
Saturday. May 23: I didn't go out again this week. No indeed. I snugged in at home and decided to do homey things, cleaning and tidying and such. And it felt very good indeed...However, it meant I didn't go out to buy the gift nor birthday cards.
I'm not sorry I stayed at home. I need these days quite possibly even more than I need the days out of the house. I came to the end of yesterday content and happy and pleasantly tired. It was a productive workday but not a taxing day.
Late afternoon yesterday the threatening clouds stopped threatening and started acting. Lightning, thunder, heavy hard rain drops. The grass turned greener during the afternoon downpours. I couldn't help but think how much John disliked thunderstorms. Even mild ones like we had yesterday. Well, he has no storms to face in heaven now. I'm glad of that for him. I truly am.
Yesterday marked two months since he died. I made it through the day just fine. In fact, if I mourned over anything at all yesterday it was that Memorial Day Monday will have been our anniversary...and it wasn't until afternoon that I remembered the day's date and realized it had been two months. Sam was aware. I know because he came by here twice yesterday and sat and talked both times. He was very gentle when I mentioned the anniversary on Monday and then broke off suddenly because I was swallowing back tears. "I know Mama, I know," he soothed. He's shared more about his own grief of late, now that he's had time to distance himself from that final day, and the grief in his household has subsided a little. Now he's time to process his grief.
To be honest, I see a lot of myself in Sam, and I don't say that in a prideful way but a worrying way. He is a care giver, not a taker and in his household, he gets very little of the great care he pours out poured back into him. I know the toll that takes when you are always pouring out and never receiving back. I'm glad that John was cognizant of giving as well as of receiving.
I contemplated going out today. I just couldn't make myself want to do it! I was going to do all the errands I needed to do yesterday. I even contemplated going into the furniture store to buy a new mattress for my bed. John and I had been debating that purchase for too long. Neither of us slept well on the mattress on our bed. It had long since stopped being a great mattress. But as with most big purchases, even knowing exactly what I meant to spend and being assured I could easily handle the expense, I decided to push it off and wait. I reckon that is something I've taken from John. He wouldn't pull the trigger on any purchase unless we were absolutely assured that money could be replaced. And since our income was fixed...well we got nothing unless it was an emergency purchase or we'd saved and saved. And then he wanted that savings put back after it was spent. Yep, we had to save twice, once to purchase and once again after we'd used the savings for what we'd meant to use it for so he could have the satisfaction of seeing that bank balance rise.
So, last night when I went to bed, I threw all the pillows I'd been piling on John's side off the bed and then crawled right into the middle of the bed to sleep. And I'm here to tell you factually that the dang lumpy middle doesn't sleep a darn bit better than either of the sagging sides! So why postpone buying a mattress? I don't know.
I have to figure out how to dispose of the old one for one thing. And I worry that the next mattress won't be comfortable either...but then we never know if the next mattress will, do we? I mean it's like being afraid to toss out the old swimsuit that no longer fits well or looks nice but finding a new one means the agony of searching to find something you like, can afford and will fit well...It's that way with any new purchase and yes, I do get anxiety about it. Not paralyzing anxiety, but anxiety.
Gracious, no wonder John and I seldom got anything new. His anxiety over spending and my anxiety over choosing.
Then I worry that now isn't the 'proper' time to buy a mattress but it's Memorial Day weekend and all the furniture stores are having sales. I could order online and have it delivered right to my door.
The truth is that I'm burnt out. It's another decision to be made and I'm so weary just now of making decisions...
Monday, May 25: Saturday I never did much of anything. I didn't work on my junk journal or start a new puzzle. I didn't color or write or even watch television. I did something, I know I must have, because the day passed right on as it always does but I can't possibly tell you what I did beyond make and eat meals and just wander about or sit and contemplate.
No loss. That evening, when I was ready to settle in for the night, John's brother called and talked for about an hour. John was very patient with his brother during the long phone calls they shared. But one doesn't talk to George. One is talked to by George. Goodbyes tend to be said ten or so times before he actually hangs up.
Mostly he's talked about John. George is having a really hard time accepting John's death. He's angry. At John for not going to the doctor sooner, at the doctor for not noting that John was not well. At John for not going into the VA as George urged him to do to increase his disability rating. "Then they would have found it! Then he wouldn't have died!"
I found it all very taxing to be honest. Because much as I miss John, much as I would turn back time, if possible, I know that John wasn't being stubborn and the doctor wasn't being obtuse. John didn't feel well, but he didn't feel sick. He couldn't pinpoint any symptom that pointed to heart trouble. His symptoms all pointed to Hashimoto's disease which was diagnosed and for which he had medication and supplements. He was trained to recognize heart attacks and symptoms of heart disease, and he just didn't have them. By the time we did know, he was already at the end.
I'm not angry at John. I don't feel he 'left me' as I've heard some women say who were widowed (generally young women). I'm not mad at God or doctors. I'm just so very grateful.
Grateful that right up until the end, John LIVED. Grateful that I had him in my life. Grateful that I had that last 11 hours the doctor didn't expect us to have at all. Grateful that I knew he loved me and he knew I loved him. Grateful that our marriage had been a good one. A pretty normal marriage with silly arguments and major crises and heartaches and joys. We lived well together all the years I knew him and we hung in with one another when we had personal times that were damned difficult. Not perfect. Just normal. I'm grateful for who he was, who he taught me to be, who we were together. I'm grateful that he knew he was saved and that I am saved. I have that hope of seeing him again in my future.
So, no, I'm not angry. I can't even find a reason to want to be angry. I know that some anger is part of the normal grief process, but I can't feel it.
I miss him. Oh, how I miss him! But I'm trying my best to do what he wanted, what he always told me to do, live. Go on. Don't wallow in grief. And I think I've honored him by doing just that.
Yesterday, we all gathered to celebrate Taylor's birthday. She was very pleased with her gifts. I thought it very sweet that both Caleb and Bella made her cards and wrote her a note in them.
Of course, as always, John came up in conversation. I think it was Millie who spied him in family pictures on Katie's living room wall. Corey, Cody's friend had picked up a guitar and was playing it softly in the background. My family was all around me and I felt very blessed to be there. I thought of how proud John would have been of all the children and grandchildren. And I thought of how lovely it was to hear a guitar being played. I think I miss that as much as I miss John.
Today Bess and Millie came over for morning coffee. I didn't push myself very hard today at all. I've tended to be a little weepy here and there. It's to be expected. I laughingly told Bess, when she asked if I wanted to do anything for my anniversary, that I didn't know why I felt sad because in all our married years I don't think we ever did anything on our actual anniversary date. We were always just back from vacation, or just about to go on vacation. Or John was working or one of the children needed one of us to do something. We celebrated eventually with a meal out and sometimes with a gift but mostly we didn't. But yes, today smarted a bit knowing that I wouldn't ever celebrate our wedding day again beforehand nor late.
After Bess and Millie left, I did a quick Bible study, and morning pages and ate my breakfast. Then I puttered in the kitchen. I've decided to go through the whole house systematically room by room and clear out clutter. I started last Friday in the laundry and back entry. Today I tackled the pair of islands we have on the one wall in the kitchen.
Yes, there is clutter. And there are things that I don't need and won't use, and they need to leave my house. I started a list of things I need to buy or replace and things I mean to donate when I make some of those purchases...Like losing an oversized casserole dish once I buy a replacement set for my old casserole dishes that broke. And the flatware that always, always jumps off the plate, usually with a load of food on it and hits the floor because they are so unbalanced, with an extra-long and heavy handle. Those can go! And the pan I picked up at an estate sale a few years ago but have yet to use.
After I was done with the task of decluttering, I cleaned the islands well, inside and out, and organized it afresh.
Then I went off to the study (I'm trying to get in the habit of calling the music room 'the study') to work on my Junk Journal for May. I have thoughts about this: (a) I put it off entirely too long. I really enjoy the creative work of it but waiting until near the end of the month to do the whole month is TOO MUCH at once. (b) This is something I consider 'fun' and Terri-like, I will deny myself the pleasure of having fun over and over again, always setting myself tasks of work or errands then failing to keep my promise that I'll make time to play later in the day.
I didn't get very far today because I am low on ink in the printer. I nearly finished two days and have a third day of photos ready but I'm very far behind and having to order printer ink is only going to delay it even further. But in future, I'm going to try to make this a weekly joy not a once-a-month hard crush to get it done. I've taken all of the fun from the creating of this journal and made it proper hard work. Ugh.
On the other hand, this evening, I went ahead and placed an order for a new mattress. I found a great sale combined with a coupon on a mattress that Katie had pointed out yesterday when we were all talking about mattresses. I need decent sleep and to wake up pain free. Here's hoping!
Thursday, May 28: It's the end of a long day. I'm sort of waiting on Bess to come help me but I think she might have forgotten, in which case I will just go on and attempt to do the job on my own. And what do I need help with? Flipping the new mattress right side up.
It came yesterday, which was an early delivery. The girl who unloaded it from her express truck hauled it uphill to the backsteps by sheer willpower. Had I been her, I'd have backed up the extra 20 feet! Once she got it up the steps, I walked it across the porch and into the house.
This morning I walked it from the laundry area where I'd left it, into the bedroom and plopped the box on the bed, only to realize I couldn't dump the mattress out of the box. I managed to cut the box away, then the plastic that compressed the mattress, but it came out spring side up...hence why I texted Bess and asked if she might help me. But I think she must have forgotten. And though I can't sleep on the new mattress for 72 hours, I would like to have it facing upward. So yeah, I may attempt to do the job on my own power.
Since the new mattress was going on the bed today, I stripped my bed, including the mattress protector and did the washing today. It was meant to be sunny all day long, until at least 5pm so the weather app said...Ha. As soon as I'd hung out sheets and towels on the line it clouded up and rained. And rained again and then sprinkled all afternoon long. So those things came back indoors to be dried in the dryer.
I just went ahead and did a Friday blessing and this afternoon; I finished decluttering the kitchen cabinets. I shall work on the pantry cabinets next. So far, I've managed to fill a bag with trash, and I've gathered quite a few items for donation. I expect from the pantry I can expect to toss expired things I keep meaning to use up and feel iffy about now that I'm on my own (like tapioca. Not my thing. I had it for John because he liked it). There are other things bought specially because John requested them and I won't eat. Yes, the pantry must be tackled.
Then there are a few things to be removed from the back entry. Namely John's shoes and suspenders and mower parts, etc. And then that will be one whole section completely decluttered and looking far better.
But having spent all of this week at home, I think perhaps I might, maybe, go out tomorrow to get out of the house. All work and no play makes me overtired and prone to dwell on things. Not that I'm any good at the playing part, but if it's not raining, I could do something.
Sunday, May 31: I think it's time to go get my eyes checked. In fact, I know it's time. I didn't need to have them done last year when my exam was due, nor even this year when exam time came around, but I can tell that something has changed with my vision. So tomorrow I shall start the month off calling the eye doctor and a dentist and setting up appointments to see them both. I expect the dentist visit will be put off until much later in the year, especially since I'm not in pain or needing anything other than routine exam at present, but the eye exam will likely be within a week or so.
It's rained off and on ever since I arrived at church today. I was going to go do my grocery shopping, but I was put off completely by the fact that it was raining and my raincoat was here at home, as was my umbrella. I had on a tank with a pretty but very thin kimono top over it and I didn't relish the idea of getting soaked and shivering all afternoon in the AC as I tried to shop.
So naturally, I got in the car and began to randomly drive places, anywhere other than home. I ended up taking quite a long drive, mostly NOT being rained on, but the sky continually threatened rain and there were times I drove through showers of rain. I didn't go anywhere specific or do anything special. I just drove and thought and thought and drove.
June is already promising to be a busy month. Birthdays, family visits, camp for the kids, library days, appointments. And I'm planning to continue with my plan to make one space indoors and one space outdoors better. This week I'll clean and sort through the pantry in the kitchen. And go through the entry area and tidy that up. It's all one room with the kitchen, so I tend to batch the laundry, entry, kitchen sitting area and kitchen together. I'll continue work on the front porch and patio (again two spaces that are so connected it's hard to think of them separately). Hopefully I'll get finished with both areas and will be ready move on to new spaces. My purpose is to be FOCUSED on one space indoors/one space outdoors and get all I can done to those areas before moving my attention on to the next space.
I watched a lovely video yesterday from a New England homemaker who decided to upgrade her kitchen. No great renovation went on. Instead, she identified six things that were a continual frustration/aggravation to her and her family and she tackled each one. She finished off by decluttering the kitchen to further improve things. I won't tell you she didn't spend any money, because she did, but what she purchased were mostly Facebook Marketplace finds that were very good purchases, for far less money than she could possibly have bought anything new. I'd hazard a guess that all in, she spent less than $400. Most of the tasks took time and skill but nothing difficult.
She isn't one of the vlogs I typically watch. I was out of the room when the video started and I got interested. I've since subscribed.
Well, officially, today is the last day of May. It's not been a terrible month. Hard in some ways but mostly it's been okay. It's been a month of making plans for the future, the immediate future, not the far off future, and thinking hard about what I want to do, how I want to approach life on my own.
I've been thinking about how I want to approach canning and freezing for the future. Obviously, I still live in the country, far enough from a store that I do want to be prepared, but how hard do I want to work at being prepped? How involved do I want to be in that side of homemaking now that it's just me. I can't help but recall that in reading Miss Read books, the schoolteachers, though single women, always put up a pot or three of jam each year. Obviously small batch canning and freezing is something I need to look into. Perhaps now is the time to order that little book I've been wanting for years. Or to dig around online looking for smaller quantity recipes.
Cooking overall needs to be altered. I can eat leftovers once and sometimes twice but admit that when faced with a quantity of them I quickly tire of the same thing over again. Sam suggested more 'plain cooking' and use leftovers for small portion recipes. I taught him that principle...I should have remembered it myself! That's one approach to take by all means. It doesn't alter the fact though that a big roasting hen is still a great deal for just one. Even if I do make 'planned over' meals.
I've found making a batch of biscuits at the beginning of a month tends to carry me through the whole of the month. I freeze the biscuits without cooking. They rise beautifully even from frozen when popped into a lower oven (350f rather than 450f). Perhaps a recipe of pancakes or waffles would do me equally well. I need to learn to make a smaller loaf of bread though. A single recipe is too much. If I freeze it, it begins to taste of having been frozen. Perhaps I could split a recipe and freeze half?
So, lots of thinking and experiments ahead for my kitchen.
I hope May was a lovely month for you. I pray for many of you as I go through my day. Please know that. If you've written and shared a worry or a hurt or grief, I've put you on my own prayer list. And I thank those of you who have simply written to say you're praying for me. I feel your prayers in my every day, I truly do.
Now, on to June!