Saturday, September 12: Grandparents' Day is this weekend. I vaguely recall it becoming a thing back when my children were young, though we celebrated it by sending the grandparents cards or inviting them to a Sunday dinner.
No such luck for me being celebrated, lol! Nope, it's all about the grandchildren now and one must go see them at school and admire handiwork while sitting in miniature chairs and listening to wailing children as you decline with a polite 'Thank you, but no', when the teacher assures that it's quite all right to check them out early and then fighting massive traffic blocks in the school yard trying to get out while buses come in.
Well. You already know I am no great lover of the current mode of celebrating grandparents. This year both Millie and Isaac declined to enjoy the pleasures of an at school visit and requested they be taken to lunch on a Saturday instead, each of them choosing two different restaurants so that I am obliged to take them one on one. That is not a hardship. I enjoy my grandchildren en masse and singly.
Today, however, I was determined to take Josh out for a day of just me and him. Not because he has grandparents' day any longer, being now in 7th grade. However, I took Millie out in the summer on her own to eat and shop, and I took Isaac out to see the Michael Jackson film and out to eat after and it was time to do something with Josh all on his own.
We started by stopping at Dollar General to buy car chargers and cords for phones, one for each of my cars because we've been caught more than once with low batteries on phones (and dead tablets too) and no means to charge anything until we were home once more. Then we went to his requested burger place which is Five Guys. For the money, they have really good fries and burgers that are okay. No better or worse burgers than any other, but definitely more expensive. However, I did not put a limit on Josh, since I had not quite realized how much that meal would be. It was pouring heavily with rain the whole while we were out. I fumbled for an idea of what else I might do with him.
After lunch, I mentioned a film I knew he was keen to see. He politely turned me down saying, "It's not your sort of thing, Gramma." I was amused that he thought I wouldn't enjoy the film. And admit that he reminded me a good bit of his dad who always had an 'idea' of what was right and proper for me, being slightly more old-fashioned in his ideas than I ever have been. "And it's really something I want just Dad and me to do together."
Understood. I asked if he'd like to do anything else. "Ice cream?" he asked, sipping his chocolate shake from the burger place. I laughed and said, "Fine. I'll spoil you." He got two scoops of mint chocolate chip at the ice cream shop. Then he asked if there was a bookstore in town, which had also been on my list of possibilities he might enjoy. I did set a dollar limit on that trip and he did well, finding two books that just barely bumped over the limit until my discount came in. I found Remarkably Bright Creatures near the checkout having given up on the idea of magazines and books altogether just moments before. There wasn't a single high fashion magazine to be found anywhere and hardly any I thought worthwhile. I was happy I at least found a book.
Josh thanked me multiples of times for the day out and told me how much he'd enjoyed it. Mind you his thanks having been given, he immediately retreated back into the game he was playing on his phone, as any other 12-year old would do and we rode home in relative silence aside from the pounding rain. But it was a nice day out and I enjoyed it very well myself.
Next weekend I'll take Isaac out. I'm not promising him or Millie anything beyond a meal and ice cream though. A grandparent could go broke trying to celebrate a day meant to be all about the grandparent these days...
Sunday, September 13: Just a random set of thoughts for today.
1. I've had three rotten nights of not sleeping well and then waking super early. I don't mind the early rising. I do mind the part where I toss and turn. I've counted carbs, checked caffeine consumption, made sure I've taken my nightly sleep supplements. I simply cannot go to sleep. I've put away the phone and tried reading, prayer, checking the room temperature is cool enough, etc. I'll assume that just as I was in a pattern of sleeping hard and heavily, I am now in a pattern of not doing that. Sigh.
2. On my way to church (ON TIME!) this morning, I found myself thinking of John. To the point that I began to get quite sad, and then I realized that of late, every time I go to church, I think of him and grow sad. I told myself I was falling into a pattern I needed to break at once. I could see it had begun to affect my actual desire to even go to church at all. And the truth is I really like my church. I've liked this church for years now and I've never felt so at home anywhere in many, many years.
3.There's one woman, a widow, who has been a true comfort to me. She's NOT one of those church widows. I'm fairly sure she was who John had in mind when he repeatedly told me how he hoped I'd be if he died before me. She's the only one brave enough to come up to me and look deep into my eyes and if she can see it's a bad day to nod, give me a hug and say, "IT SUCKS!" in my ear, which always makes me laugh through my sad moment.
Today she was sad. "It'll be three years the end of this month..." She stopped and swallowed hard. "And I dreamed of Eric last night. He told me how sorry he was he'd had to leave me." She and I hugged and cried together over that. It was the least I could do for her after all her genuine concern and kindness. I told her of John's request not to act like a church widow lady. "I'm pretty sure he had you in mind..." "Oh gracious! Weirdo Janice!" I smiled. I told her sincerely I admired her no end and thanked her for her support. She left smiling.
4. Pastor's sermon today continued on the theme of last week's and I deeply enjoyed it. I took a lot of notes and remembered points he'd made last week, when I'd watched from home. I was convicted once again about my own lack of Bible reading.
I've mentioned before that after years of reading my Bible daily, I'd found myself slipping away from it. It's been two, perhaps three years now, since I sat down to do a daily Bible reading. I'm not talking about my periodic bursts of doing a self-guided study but of just picking it up daily to read, as I once used to do.
John read his Bible daily and made notes in the margins or on scratch sheets of paper. Yes, and often gave me quite a good sermon when we sat down to have coffee together, too. I think I gave it up during that time. I came to rely on him to carry me, spiritually. Well, it's high time I stepped up once more. Now how many distractions will fly at me this week ahead as I being this afresh?
5. Tomorrow I am off quite early to attend breakfast with Caleb for his grandparents' day. All of the above stuff from Saturday's bit: packed parking, traffic jams, standing in long lines, sitting in tiny, cramped chairs or squatting on cafeteria stools meant for toddler sized people...Ugh.
6. The cookies I made the other day have altered in storage. Now the whole cookie is kind of chewy. The spices have intensified. I don't mind the taste as it is somewhat autumnal without being overly spicy. But the texture is still not something I find terribly pleasing. I don't know that I'll ever use this particular recipe again, but I may attempt the combination of spices with a different recipe.
7. Last thing. This morning Sassy was sitting staring in the kitchen window as I gathered my things to leave the house. When I actually went out the door moments later, she was on the railing staring out into the yard. There near my shed was the Strange Cat, the one that looks like Sassy (Gray stripe with white bib). Sassy wasn't growling, just watching. I spoke to the cat, who laid one ear back and stared at me.
When I came home from church this afternoon, there was Sassy under the carport. Nope. Not Sassy. It was the other cat. She retreated only as far as the edge of the woods, well within sight of me and the house. I spoke to her again. She popped up her head and both ears and listened to me. Sassy in the meantime, was throwing herself at my feet waiting for a belly rub. Obviously, the other cat is not a bother to Sassy in anyway.
I told the other cat once more she was welcome to stay if she could get along with Sassy. If she's going to stay, I may have to get Bess to try and trap her so we can get her fixed. I've no need of dozens and dozens of cats. And while I really don't want an extra cat, perhaps I need this one though I'd been praying for a dog. In the meantime, I find myself wondering what I might call this cat.
Monday, September 14: I've done my duty by Caleb. He's had Grandparents Day with me at school. We were herded in about 20 minutes later than the schedule suggested we had to visit and rushed through about four hectic games of Bingo and then herded out to attend the bookfair in the Library, half a building away from the cafeteria. It was hot and crowded and I said, "No you can't have that to at least three little boys who were blonde and wearing a blue shirt and who looked mighty disappointed to be told "no". There were copious amounts of erasers displayed on the librarians desk where books were being rung up, all of which looked like candy, game boys, cars, dinosaurs and were irresistible and far too expensive for the children to even consider. They could buy books for less...
I saw Caleb back to his class, spoke briefly with his teacher who was very polite, considering I'd interrupted her lesson, and then I wandered wearily back to my car which was, as the crow flies, feet from his classroom, but as the school exits allowed, some three blocks away.
Ugh. I loved spending time with him, I did truly, but goodness I'm glad that this comes round but once a year. And I'm deeply grateful to Millie and Isaac for choosing a day out with me over the same sort of hectic paced visit at their schools. Perhaps next year, Caleb will feel the same. I don't know.
I went by to see Mama. She has developed a horrible deep groaning sound as she walks or rolls in her wheelchair about the apartment, which you can hear from the parking pad outdoors. I asked her what was up with that and she said, "I don't know. I wonder if they neighbors can hear me?" I said I had heard her at the parking pad so surely the neighbors either side have heard her.
Given that since her dog died, they no longer have to listen to the incessant barking or Mama shouting obscenities at the dog, perhaps the occasional groan/moan when she chooses to move across the apartment isn't much to deal with.
She was doing well enough really, getting around as well as ever, clear headed, etc. She fixated on my polished fingernails and couldn't stop admiring them which I found very surprising. When I was a girl, she never allowed me to wear anything but the palest shell pink and preferred clear polish overall. I had done my nails over the weekend in an autumn brown and hadn't taken time to remove the polish this morning, since I had to leave home so very early.
After I left her, I headed home, weary but not worn down. I have put a pot of beef bones on to simmer because I've determined I want to make a big pot of vegetable soup. Never mind that it is currently 92F, I want a pot of homemade vegetable beef soup, which I expect will speak to me on every single comfort food level, something I feel in desperate need of.
Now I'm off to finish another of my books. I have only a chapter or three of Winter in Thrush Green, have finally caught the rhythm of Wives and Daughters, and couldn't resist reading the first chapter of Elizabeth Letts' novel, Finding Dorothy. It wasn't even part of my stack for September but there you are. I am in a reading mood!
Tuesday, September 15: Well, here we are. Our last week of Summer, and the midway point of September. I woke confused to what day it was this morning. Truly I must have been still sleep befuddled because I remember thinking, "Gracious! Here it is Wednesday already...How can the weeks go so quickly lately?!" Well apparently they aren't. I was just confused. It's only Tuesday.
I did not feel at all well yesterday. My tummy felt like it was twisting into knots, my head ached, a I felt sick. I was convinced, all day long, that I had simply dreaded the whole day that I'd made myself sick with anxiety. However last night after I got home, I realized that truly, I did not feel well, and it was nothing to do with anxiety. I thought back to the early morning hours yesterday when I'd awakened and to the school where it seemed everyone had on the loudest perfume or cologne which further made me feel ill...I decided I must have had a bit of migraine.
Katie and I were texting last night and suddenly I got testy and told her I didn't feel well and I wouldn't talk anymore. I went right off to bed after that, and it was only just 9pm. I went to bed, slept and didn't wake until this morning at nearly 10am. Katie texted me later and said, "I don't feel well...and my head aches." We decided it must be something going around and I had truly been sick after all.
Honestly if I'd know that I'd have never visited Mama and I might have skipped out on Caleb's day, as well. I hate to think I may have exposed either of them to something. Mama, simply because she is 89 and Caleb because he would carry anything to his home and family and a classroom full of students as well.
Yesterday evening's soup was very good. I have a HUGE pot of it and I think I'm going to can it...but not today. I let the day get away from me by sleeping in so late. I had beef bones in the freezer that I used to make fresh beef broth first, then used the broth as the basis of my soup.
Today I made Chicken Paprikash and Noodles for my lunch with fresh green beans on the side. No kidding, the fresh green beans...MEH. They didn't look the best when I picked them up at the Farmer's Market, but I thought the taste of fresh beans just once this summer would be good. Nope. Obviously, their best season was behind them.
I cleaned out the fridge really well and organized it. I didn't toss much. About an ounce of blue cheese that honestly, I couldn't remember buying, a container of cottage cheese I'd ignored, and a tomato that had gotten lost in the drawer. I can live with that. I have come so far in reducing the waste in my kitchen. I don't say I'll use the rest of those beans, but I assure you that isn't my waste.
I've continued to putter around decorating this spot or that. Right now, I've focused on the wall above the wingback chair and table that I put in the entry area.
My packages arrived this evening. Clothes. I took a good long look at my fall/early winter wardrobe and debated hard on what I thought was missing. A couple of tank tops (to go under blouses or heavier kimonos), a couple of cardigans, one pullover sweater and two t-shirts with long sleeves. I also got a new pair of athletic type shoes.
Wednesday, September 16: I went outdoors early this morning and found it very pleasant to be outdoors. Not cool...But far less humidity and lower temperatures. I wanted to go out to collect seeds of the Balsam Impatiens that bloomed so prettily even through the extreme heat, and the zinnias that dried up to a crisp. I found I'd lost six roses (hybrid tea and one standard), the Dancing Butterflies, Gaia, sage, and three fig trees to the heat. It at least makes it easy to empty out the sundry pots and planters. I'm heartsick over the Gaia, but I shall buy more of that. I had mine for years and it was lovely every summer and well into autumn.
I did a bit of weeding, a bit of trimming back some of the overgrowth. As always, just looking at it, it feels very overwhelming. But I know as it cools down, I will be able to attend to more and more of the yardwork. I just can't keep up in the great heat of summer.
Thursday: I had a spate of grief yesterday morning that I wasn't expecting. It began as I was making the bed and I went to sit in the living room and cried my eyes out. And from there, I lost my day. I truly have no idea where time went, nor what I did. I believe I read a lot in Wives and Daughters and I watched some television. I reheated soup for lunch and that is all I recall until it was time to watch church last night at 6:30.
Mind you all, in the early days, this is how grief struck me as well. I would sob until I could barely breathe and then I'd simply sit in a chair and lose track of time with absolutely no recall of any particular thoughts or of doing anything. It is not like falling asleep, but I do/did slip out of the realm of this reality and into an ether like space. That's the only way I know how to describe it.
Well today I did not suffer any particular grief beyond the usual momentary tears over whatever silly thing would trigger it. I decided that today I'd do my laundry. And here's where I had another 'loss'. I was hanging clothes on the line, and I hung up an olive-green blouse that I especially like and feel great in. I thought the spots on it were wet spots and that the blouse was partially dry. Nope. When I brought it in this evening, it was obvious the blouse was covered in grease that it had apparently wicked from the wash water.
This blouse is one of my most favorite. It's one of those rare things you know you look well in and enjoy wearing it and then get a lot of compliments, so you feel even better about yourself. I brought it indoors and doused it with Shout. Tomorrow I'll add original Dawn detergent to the spots, too. Here's hoping I can salvage it! I bought this top last year and cannot get another one like it.
After hanging out the laundry, I divided my time between working on my abandoned Memory Journal and canning the leftover vegetable soup. I had nine-pint jars. Of the first batch, one failed to seal. The other four popped nearly immediately upon coming out of the canner. Here in a little bit, I'll be able to remove the second batch. We'll see how it goes as they cool. I should be able to take them out in about fifteen minutes.
And with that I'll end here for the day.
Friday, September 18: Apparently, I have caught up with myself this week and aside from folding laundry washed today and cleaning up and putting away the canner, I have finished for the week. My home is neat and tidy around me. I have meat thawed for meals today and through the weekend. I am, at present having a late breakfast/lunch. I feel rested and restored this week. Not that I had any reason to feel otherwise.
I soaked the blouse with Shout yesterday afternoon and allowed it to sit overnight. This morning I washed it alone on a delicate cycle and it appears to be free of all but the faintest stain on the left hip area. I can live with that, I think. So, I'll consider that a save and am very grateful for it. I washed all the rest of the bed and bath and kitchen stuff separately, not wanting to risk another disaster with one of my favorite blouses.
I noted last night of the four jars of soup (and one pint of water needed to fill the canner properly), there was another failure with another jar. I allowed it to cool enough to safely put in the fridge and this morning, I poured the contents of the two failed jars into large souper cubes and frozen them. So, my preserving has netted me seven jars of vegetable/venison soup for the pantry, 2 pints for the freezer, and 1 more pint of water on my canning shelf, which I keep as a sort of emergency stash, however small it might be.
This weekend, I am planning to take Isaac out for a lunch date with me. And that's as far as my plans go beyond church on Sunday. Beyond that I expect I shall read and putter about just enough to not make me feel I've been utterly useless.
I hope you all have a lovely weekend!
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