For June: A Fresh Start

 I confess, when I prayed for a fresh start this month, this wasn't quite what I had in mind...

Windows 10 updated over the weekend.  It was a massive update that required multiple restarts.  I use Microsoft Edge which basically hijacked my computer last year and refused to let me use any other operating system.  The update apparently does allow you to use other browsers but it essentially wiped out every one of my saved favorites, my blog list, my favorites files which were packed, my Pinterest boards...I've had to find passwords for accounts that I thankfully had to renew recently because of my email account exodus from Yahoo, so I can access my most important accounts online.  But yeah.  Everything was new and unfamiliar and every last old thing was gone.

I am a little sad to see some of my files and things gone.  I was much amused that all of the files are gone but I was able to migrate files from early 2016 over from Google Chrome which I wasn't able to do last year when Edge took over. 

It made me wonder what if we had something like this in life, where the clock was literally turned back, we were restored to a set date in the past and had the opportunity to begin anew from that point. I tried to think what date I'd choose to 'begin again'.  Food for thought, right?

I guess I've had that time in my life already.  It was the date about two years ago when I found myself in the hospital.  I had come very close to dying twice during that time.  I looked long and hard at my life and determined that if I was being given a second and third chance then I was doggone well going to change some things!  And I did.



Some of the changes had to do with adjusting my attitude.  I decided that I was tired of thinking of what I couldn't do and was ready to do what I could.  I'd rather 'do something and fail than do nothing and succeed' as our family motto reads.  Result: slowly working my way around the house with landscaping and flowers.  Continuing to make my home as pretty as I can.  Generally making the best of what I already have.  It's a creative pursuit to live as I do and while necessity in part demands it, I wouldn't give anything for the joy it brings me to see the small changes I was able to make.  Was it exactly what I wanted?  No, not at all.  But it's better than doing nothing and whining about it.  And some of the things I've done turned out surprisingly well!

I made some physical changes.  I changed how I ate and became much more focused on health.  I was determined to be healthier.  I'm happy to report that aside from a small weight gain I've been very healthy overall and manage diabetes with just the very basic medication of Metformin and a good diet.

Some of the changes had to do with personal relationships, most especially blood line.  There were two or three in my life that were very toxic for me.  I had tolerated and allowed a lot of abuses in the name of peace.  I realized during that hospital stay that peace at any price is never peace.  It was hard to distance myself from some of the relationships that were the most hurtful.  I am still in relationship with this people but I have emotionally distanced myself.  I don't tolerate abusive behavior.  I speak up and out.  I'd been the peacekeeper my entire life but I won't believe the lie any longer that it's okay to treat people badly because they are family.  Bull.

I won't tell you that any of those situations are perfect.  I've been distanced from some of the grandchildren because of it, but it was a price I ended having to accept.   I've had to be firm with another family member who can be particularly abusive towards me.  It saddens me that I can't do the things I'd like for this one but to do so would mean spending more time in an atmosphere that is not only negative but draining.   That relationship quickly turns abusive, not just emotionally, but physically.  It's a relationship pattern that has gone on for as long as I can recall.  I can't stop the abusiveness.  I can stop my willingness to accept it but only if I maintain a hard distance.

I decided during that time in the hospital to really embrace those people who were loving and kind towards me.  Fortunately that meant my children, my husband, some of my children's partners.  There were things I really regretted and most of them had to do with not spending time with my family.   I say this sincerely, if I had it to do again, I'd have spent less time at church and more time with family celebrating birthdays and holidays and special occasions.  Unfortunately, I didn't.  I will from now on.

I guess most of all, I saw how foolish we can be to let things worry us and burden us that oughtn't.  There's never enough money but we live well enough.  There's never enough time, but I'll make the best of every minute I can.  I think living well has been the result of my crisis point.

All that to say that I hate losing my boards on Pinterest (and my account there) and I hate losing my bookmarked files but in the end it's not a crisis.  I'll just start fresh new ones.  It's just a tiny blip.  And it gives me an opportunity to start fresh all over again.