Hello dears. Come in, come in. I've those lovely spicy and crisp Spekulatis cookies from Aldi to go with our hot cups of coffee or tea or cocoa. Take your choice and come sit with me here in the living room near the softly glowing tree.
I confess ever since I put it up, I keep it lit pretty much all the time if I'm home. Josh came in yesterday afternoon after school and insisted I had another tree. I assured him it was truly the same tree, just a few ornaments more added on but no, it must be another tree and this one was 'even prettier than the other!' Isaac pronounced it "itty" which is his word for 'pretty' at the moment.
John and I were in the middle of trying to get the new kitchen cabinet together. Josh was everywhere and all in the screws and dowels and wanted to handle everything and see what we were doing and it got very chaotic. It was a short visit that ended abruptly after Josh decided to stomp the support piece. No harm done but Bess rounded him and Isaac up right quick and took them home. I did the gramma thing and sent the boys off with a mandarin in one hand and a cookie in the other and kisses on the foreheads. After all, little boys are lovely and appreciated even if they do bring a tiny bit of chaos in a five minute span of time.
The new cabinet is smaller than the piece that was there before but it works better overall. Not everything that came out went back in. It would have fit, but the container I had did NOT and the things needed to be contained. I could buy something that fits better but I used what I had. I downsized to accommodate just the necessary things but, as I told John, we didn't really need all of that stuff to be in that cabinet anyway. I've been thinking for some time that some of those items should go elsewhere and so they shall. Which means I now must 'turn out' that place where they will go and rearrange it to make room for those things...And then move still more stuff to another place, all the while sorting out what is necessary and letting go of what isn't.
This is not a new concept to me, this fruit basket turnover part of organizing an area but it never fails to amaze me that as you move something, other things must be removed, and shift and shake down into new places. And we wonder why our lives seem so full of upheaval when someone leaves, or a circumstance changes...Ha! I think it must be a life thing, too, don't you? Everything left must shift and settle into new places, which changes everything and at the same time changes little but it feels like so much more, doesn't it? There's just always that initial chaos and then settle, settle, settle down until everything is stable once more
John has been working on the music room closet which has been considerably emptied. He was at it yesterday morning when I got up and he was at it most all the afternoon and went back about 8pm last night to put a few more things away. By the time we were done yesterday evening, the house looked like it had never known a clean moment...yet I'd cleaned all day long! I got the cabinet set to rights and dinner cleared up behind and then I sat down in my chair to read emails. I figured the housework could wait. It did. It was right here this morning waiting on me still.
So when John left this morning, I tackled the house. I did the laundry. I washed a load of dishes. I vacuumed all the floors. I cleared surfaces and organized the new cabinet a little more and switched this piece here and that piece there. All the time I was cleaning, I was also steadily getting ready to go over to Mama's today. And good thing I had been, because in the middle of my cleaning, I walked past John's chest of drawers and my stomach sank...There was his wallet.
We have a couple of little rituals of a work morning. I get up when John is dressed and ready to leave the room. He begins his morning study while I pack his lunch and make his breakfast. After breakfast, he gets out his daily meds and puts them in his pocket. He puts on his shoes and gathers his things and I kiss him goodbye and then I ask, "Got your glasses, knife, wallet, keys, coffee, lunch?" Only this morning, I didn't ask him anything. I just kissed him again because we've had colds in our house that lasted about six weeks and I marveled that it had been a lot of mornings with out a proper goodbye kiss and he agreed and kissed me again. I almost asked him when he made his final stop beside the back porch if he had everything, but reminded myself that he'd set up his uniform the night before. Of course he had everything! So off he went. And two and half hours later, I find his wallet.
I called him to say I had the wallet and would bring it to him. Naturally while I was putting on my makeup (five minute face this morning), he called to say they had a call and he was bringing a patient to a hospital near our home. I told him I'd meet him there. Things went to plan on that part but I was a good hour and half early for Mama's this morning. I was however, nearer her home than mine at that point and it seemed reasonable to go on to Mama's, so I did.
Can I ask you all something? I mean, seriously...does your mom ever say things that sounds fine on the surface to anyone overhearing but you know the background of seemingly innocent statements and so you are left in a state of angst?
I've never made it a secret that I have issues with my mom. And I am well aware that when we have issues with others we must dig down hard and scrape at things to get them OUT, to prevent further damage to ourselves. Here's more talk about organizing, even though I now am speaking of thoughts and feelings, can lead to those chaotic moments when other areas are disrupted and so must be resettled. Today something was said that was Mama's version of the truth. It has little resemblance to my knowledge of the situation as it is. I explained to her why things are as they are...but in her criticism of another, I heard her past criticisms of myself in a situation over which I had NO control and for which she held me to be fully to blame. A portion of my circumstance was similar in her own mind. I felt my anger rise hard at the reminder of that past circumstance and how very difficult she made it for me because of her endless harsh criticism. I told John later in a tearful voice that I truly despair of ever fully ridding myself of all the negative emotions and the sometimes very deeply buried anger I have with my mother.
I want to be done with it all. I want to lay it down and walk away and never again think on it, but I remove one bundle of things and feel relief and then I find there's still more to deal with. While I am not a hoarder of things, I am a hoarder of harder emotions and hurts and I sincerely desire to declutter my soul. I do. I've worked hard at it. I just didn't expect it to take all my adult life to do it.
Now let me lay that down because heaven knows I've carried it quite long enough today alone, forget all the years between, and I am weary of it. Just please do tell me 'It's not just you..." if any of you feel you have the least idea of what I mean.
Do you know what I was thinking of this morning on my way to meet John at the hospital? Angels singing on high and shepherds herding flocks. What started this line of thought. I saw the most adorable sheep here. And while I love the size of the ones she shows it occurred to me that I have all these mini clothespins leftover from my window frame that would make adorable baby sheep. And if I had those old fashioned peg clothespins I might make shepherds and all could adorn a small Christmas tree. Shades of Christmas 2020 already dancing in my head...
Anyway, that set me off this morning. I thought of the adorable sheep this girl made and about the shepherds and the song "Angels We Have Heard On High" began to filter through the thoughts and "The First Noel". I thought about the text of the birth of Christ in which the angel appears to the shepherds. How they must have trembled! Out in the dark fields, thinking they were alone and suddenly there is an angel, a light so bright that it 'shone around them'. In the middle of a dark field...
If you live in the country then you can understand how startling this must have been. I recall my sister in law coming in at dusk to tell John it was simply too dark out here, he needed flood lights, and she had been standing in the yard under the LED light which I have likened to the piercing eye of God in my own backyard.
So there are the shepherds watching over their sheep in the darkness, no light but that of the stars (and moon? Scripture never says)...How symbolic is that?! I know how darkness surrounded me until I saw the light for the first time.
There they were. Watching in the darkness for danger and suddenly there is light shining all around them. It must have been a bit like sunshine when they knew full well it was midnight, don't you think? It was certainly odd enough that the angel said "Do not fear..." and after he made his announcement of the birth of the Savior, he was joined by 'a host' of angels. Imagine the light then! It was enough to make the shepherds believe that Christ had come. It was enough they went to see the babe in the manger. How could they ever be the same men after that?
It makes you think, doesn't it? Have you ever noticed that every reference in the New Testament to shepherds and sheep thereafter is in the context of spiritual leaders and congregations?
Do you suppose one of those shepherds ever again looked at the darkness about them without remembering that angel appearing? No, they probably didn't think of it every minute, but something like that must have been recalled at some point in most every night. An incident such as that doesn't leave you the way it found you.
That was what I thought of this morning when my day was already turning itself around to be a day other than the one I planned. And I think it's fitting I come back around to that this evening, with the sun setting, and the tree lit. I gather peace to me like a warm robe on a cold, cold night and appreciate the day all over again.
Hurry along home dears. I'll see you again before Christmas is truly here.
23 comments:
Terri, I don't think past harsh words ever leave us.. My mom has been gone for 3 years now and sometimes just out of the blue I hear her hurtful words.. Just a few days ago I was watching Curling on TV and suddenly I remember as a kid asking mom why I wasn't allowed to curl. My big sister was and my younger brother was allowed but not me.. she turned to me and without batting an eye said," Because if you slipped and fell on the ice you would break it because you are so fat." I look at pictures from that time of my life and I was NOT fat; I was plump but definitely not FAT.
However hurt I feel about things I would love to have her back phoning me twice a day to check up on me. LOL
Oh goodness, mothers... my parents, especially my mother, should never have had children. I moved across the country to escape her critical, whining, petulant words. It’s not just you, for sure, who has struggles in their relationship with their mother.
Hi Terri, I have been thinking on what you wrote about. My heart goes out to you. I cannot say that I have struggles with my mom because I don't. But I ask that you would grant me an observation. I have been reading you for a very long time. And I have been blessed over and over with your writing. And this is what I see. In all that time whenever you have written about anyone in your family you have never written critical or unkind things. You have respected them. You have shown grace and love to them. You have been open about your less than perfect thoughts, words and actions but never said it is all on them. And if you were going to do those things I would think this blog would be the first place the words would fly since it can be a place of anonymity. I do not mean any disrespect to your mom because I don't know anything of her life. But it seems that she chooses at times to eat from a container of bitterness and for whatever reason she wants you to eat what she offers you from that container. But you don't eat that kind of food. You don't even cook that kind of food for your own family! That is why it is so hard to digest for you. You are not like that and you don't have that kind of heart. You do not participate in that kind of life. But what can be hard is the tolerating that is where lines can be blurred. I have learned with certain situations in my life to declare out loud I will not participate or tolerate that. It helps me to see more clear. I do not mean to go on and on. I just hope I can help you see what I see about you from this side of the screen and I think you are doing very well and that Papa God is pleased and loves you very much. Thank you for sharing your heart. Jennifer from Ohio.
I have erased what I wrote three times so far. I will try again. Device it to say yes I understand what you are talking about. As a child you Know what your parents actually mean when they seem to others to just be idly chatting away. And also when they are talking to another you can't jump in and try to make your point. Plus you know even if you could you wouldn't be believed that what they are saying was not what you actually remember happening. Is it cause they are getting old and get things confused? I don't know. I know my parents would tell us kids about when something happened we all did. Their story was not as we remembered it. Well in that instance we were kids and they were adults and so both of us saw the world from different eyes. Different perspectives as we knew so little of life and things at that age. Did we actually understand what was happening then or ?? I have three sisters. Each of us is 5 years apart and even the three of us remember things differently. One was 5 the other 10 and the other 15 or the one 3 and the other 8 and the third 13. You can't expect a 3 year old to see things and remember them like a 13 or even the 8 year old. We siblings often have to remember that and fill the little ones in on some things they were too small to understand or remember. But now that we are getting older we are forgetting so many past details !! :-)
Anonymous is right Teri. You are not like your Mother. You are kind. You care. She{or he} is right in what they said. Your grandchildren will not be left with this mental burden. They will feel and know love. Their parents are a on their side too. There is love. Acceptance and grace among you all from what we know of them.
Are you thinking of making a child's nativity with the clothes pins? One they can play with safely.
Cabinets like life have to be rearranged and remade and decluttered. Declutter your mind as much as you can of hurtful ways your mother has. Cherish any good times you have. Ask any questions of your past or family or the times that she lived in now. Any family info. you wonder about from our ancestral work. There will be enough things you wish you had discussed after she is gone. Do what you can now. I wish I had asked more and told my parents again how much I am grateful for been their daughter . No parents is a saint and some are far from it. My father was somewhat a Jeckle and Hyde type because of war related stresses. Yet when he was mentally ok he was so wonderful. My mother did the best she could to keep balance but had her own problems physically. But we know love. Sarah
It's not just you.
I'm not sure I've ever told you my entire story, and I won't go into it now, but it involves alcoholism and abandonment, and all that goes along with that.
It's messy and painful to give up those hurt feelings and truly move on.
Your mother is never going to change, you've said that here, so you're doing your best to be respectful and an example to her of a better person.
She is fortunate to have you. When she's gone, take that as a comfort. That you rose above and can move on with no regret. That's what I do.
Hi Terri, you've never actually given much detail on what your mother says and does but I'm assuming she brings up hurtful things on somewhat of a regular basis even if they don't coincide with reality. It gives her power to do this. Power over you.
I don't know what your on the spot reactions to her are, either. But have you tried setting firmer boundaries? Like, "Mom, you are not to bring that up again or I won't come over here." She needs you and she isn't too old to curb her tongue. Remind her there are trade offs for your help.
Or not answer her at all and change the subject. The less reaction you give her will slow down her emotionally poking at you. I think she probably knows what she's doing and can change a bit if the consequences are severe enough.
Egads, Terri. I could write a book about all 3 of my parents....mom, bio father, dad (stepdad). In a nutshell, bio father ran off, mom devoted all her attention to my brother, & my dad is Mr. Critical. He's the only one left. I can count on one hand how many nice things he has ever said to/about me. 3 were of my wedding day lol. Hmm. That might be it lol. I have to work myself up to call him. Sometimes for a week. I never know if he's going to be nice....or a weenie. Sometimes he's nice with a weenie thrown in. And nobody but me or my husband would ever recognize the weenie comment because it's mostly very subtle, but specific. And naturally, that all comes with selective memory.
Example, just in case you're curious.... My appendix ruptured some years ago and I spent 12 days in the hospital. I nearly died. The hospital was located less than 4 miles from my dad's business (that he owned and bossed) and BETWEEN his work & home. You could see it from the freeway as it was next to the offramp. My husband tried to explain how sick I was, but my dad gave all kinds of excuses of why he couldn't visit. Before you think it was fear, don't. He seems to think that anytime I am ill, whether it be a cold or a festering abdomen, it's all exaggerated. He never visited or called or anything. He told my husband he was just too busy.
Flash forward 5 yrs. I left about 5 messages on my dad's machine to call me over the course of a week. No reply. I finally popped a letter in the mail as he's 1500 miles away. Finally, he calls. I ask him if he took a last minute vacation to the Galapagos. He'd been talking about it. Nope. He had a heart attack and was in the hospital for 3 days. And so went the praise for his wife's family. They visited him everyday, brought him flowers & balloons. They called regularly to ask him if he needed anything, cleaned the house and shopped for them, & were just angels sent from heaven.....and the zinger...."None of my kids even called...."
Here's the bigger zinger....WE DIDN'T KNOW BECAUSE HIS PERFECT WIFE NEVER THOUGHT TO LET US KNOW. At that point, I merely asked the details, how he was feeling, hung up the phone and screamed into a pillow. Seriously, without going completely bat crap crazy, how do you deal with that?! Being insulted for not doing something that I had no knowledge of...but praise for the person who kept the information to themselves?
Okay, this is getting to be a novel lol. Let's call it therapy lol.
It makes my husband blow smoke out his ears, so I never tell him about it. Instead, my sweet best friend lets me vent to her. In turn, I let her vent to me about her father. He insults her for being born a girl..."it's a good thing I had 3 sons first. It made you a bit easier to swallow, heh heh."
As Erma Bombeck said, "Families...the ties that bind and gag you."
:::smiles like an insane person:::
It's not just you.
Ahh sweetie you are so not alone. My father was a selfish alcoholic. My mother was a a full blown narcissist. But the ten commandments tell us to honor our father and mother. It doesn't give us stipulations that we honor them if they are perfect. SO that is what I did. I honored them until their deaths. I still honor them. Dad was kind, he was handsome, he was very funny, he was brilliant,he loved to read deep books and was very artistic. All of his children took most of these traits. Okay so I skipped the handsome and brilliant. Mom was talented, hard working, driven, smart and very giving to all except her own family. We supported her as she gave to others. She looked wonderful to the world through us and by us. But in doing so she gave me so many skills that I in turn can bless the world with and for this I am grateful. Obviously your mom did something right because look at you. Peace and love my friend.
I have been enjoying your blog for a few months. I decided to post a comment today because I too had a difficult relationship with my mother. She was truly unable to give unconditional love. When I didn't measure up to her standards, she was critical and withheld any praise or affection. The result was that I grew up a "people-pleaser". With God's help and my wonderful husband, I was able to get past this. I realized that she had the problem not me. She was a very unhappy person who found it necessary to criticize others so that she could feel better about who she was. She had many artistic talents,was hard-working, and organized. The good seemed to always get lost because her behavior and words so overshadowed the good in her life.
In the end,she lived a very lonely life. She suffered from emphysema. No one came to see her. Daddy spent most everyday in his workshop because that was easier than dealing with her moods. He always took care of her physical needs, but didn't respect her. She suffered a lot at life's end. I would drive 2 1/2 hours one way to help Daddy and give him a break 3 times a week. When she died, the people came to the funeral because of my dad. Everyone knew how cantankerous she was, but Daddy had cared for her the best he could. I did what I was able to do. No one visited her.
I have learned that I could live my own life or I could let my mother live my life. I truly believe that God gives us the parents He knows we need and puts us in the family He wants us in. I learned what not to do by watching my mother. I have a close relationship with all four of my children and 10 grandchildren. My husband is wonderful. We are enjoying our retirement very much. I can truly look back and say that I was where I was supposed to be because God put me there. By the way, I was adopted so having Mother in my life WAS God's plan.
Just live your life the way that God shows you. Realize that your mother will have to answer for her words and actions. She must be very unhappy. Don't allow her to steal your joy. They say that misery loves company. Don't entertain misery. Honor her as God says so that you will have no regrets when she is gone. God will bless you!
After a childhood of being told I was a cancer on her life and she wished I would die or never have been born, it took me years to accept that my husband could possibly love me as much as he said. When he would say I love you, I would always laugh a little and start singing that old song, "But will you love me tomorrow?" For our 20 anniversary I asked him what he wanted and he said, "For you to stop singing that song, which discounts what I feel for you." The day my mother ran off with another man and we never heard from or saw her again was the best day of my life. My father was no charmer either but at least he was not physically abusive. When he finally died I could not bring myself to cry because as long as he lived, he was able to stab me in the eye afresh every time I saw him. It has taken me years to feel not hatred but indifference toward them. When I read your posts about your mom, my heart aches for you.
My Mom can be a real pain too but I have to respond to her as Christ would have me to and I have spent time thinking and praying about why she is the way she is and that has made all the difference. Also, when my MIL passed away I had many regrets that I had not been kinder and more understanding to a woman who truly loved me. How much greater would it be with my own Mom if I had not made peace with who she is and the struggles that cause her to be hateful sometimes. I could not really relate to her until I separated the Mom person from the person she really is. I realized that I extend grace to others that I withheld from my Mom which was sin on my part.
It certainly isn’t you. My mom has had terrible things happen in her life and she focuses on them so hard that she can’t see she had so much good, too. She can be horribly harsh and at other times she is very sweet. She revels in her pity party. My sister and I joke/not joke about whether she has Munchausen. I went into the hospital for surgery and when she visited, I asked how she was feeling. She was feeling so poorly that I offered to give her my bed. 😂
I am getting ready to turn 50 and I choose to let it go on a daily basis. I wasted so many years not being who I am and dealing with the emotional scars. I intend to savor the time that remains. I don’t want negativity in my life. I want to be a happier person. When she starts her garbage, I change the subject, walk away, or leave.
Just pray for strength and courage to be who you truly are in your soul and to not let anyone steal your happiness.
You’re not alone, Terri. Mine was my Dad. I treated him as nicely as I could so I would never regret my behavior. When he died, there was a pain in my belly that left me and never returned. He was simply not a regular person. My wish was to stop any generational continuation of his abuse. I pray every day that while I know I haven’t been perfect, I have done the best I could.
Terri, such lovely writing today! I laughed out loud when you said you sent the boys away with a cookie and a kiss, and it was a nice, quick visit, but the chaos! I have four boys and they just had unstoppable energy and curiousity when they were little.
I had a similar relationship with my mother and almost severed ties a few times. I even felt like I had to protect my younger three boys (she adored my oldest and wasn’t ashamed that it was obvious to everyone). Long story short, she just abruptly changed three years ago at 72. I’ll never forget that Thanksgiving as my parents were giving hugs and saying goodbye and my mother was complimenting me and it just felt like she actually adored me??? I just stared at the closed door with mouth open, turned to my husband and said, “Who was that woman and what has she done with my mother?” It was the first visit that she didn’t have some subtle or not so subtle, hurtful thing to say to me. My husband was just as shocked. I can only think that it was an answer to prayer, or that possibly that she had gone off dairy as it was causing issues, and I do know that food intolerances can cause behavior problems. She has actually only slipped up once these past 3 years, and I quickly, quietly, and firmly called her on it. Haven’t heard anything since. Our younger boys noticed the change too. It’s been extremely hard to forgive, and even harder to forget, the things that she had said and done, or not done all these years. I talked to my boys, though, and said that I must forgive and that it was a blessing, this change in their grandma. My grandmother was not a nice woman and I know that my moter’s childhoos was not good. A friend of mine said that my mother didn’t learn to be nurturing from her mother, so she is learning from me. I do pray that you will have peace and even for a miracle. I never thought she wouldl change. I have noted how you always dutifully take her out every week and are a loving daughter. What a beautiful way to begin and end your day, with thought of God’s beautiful word and our Savior. A big hug to you Terri!
Karen in WI, I had a similar blessing with my mom. Once my brother was born, he became her everything. She mostly paid attention to me if my brother didn't need something or if she needed something from me! This led to a not-great adult relationship. I was loyal, but cautious and protective of myself. A couple of months before she turned 75, I had planned a trip to Cali to see her. She told me she wanted to go back with me and move in. Oooookay. I stayed up for 48 hours straight....ironing! (I was in a quilting group & took home every fabric donation we had, washed, ironed, & sorted them!!) I was completely freaked out, obviously. Well, it turned out to be the best time of our life together. She died 18 mos. later here at my house (with hospice care). We made up for some 45 yrs. in that time. She was pleasant, grateful, fun to be with, etc. Like you, I had a "who is this woman?" feeling. I still thank God for it often.
Of all those years being a daughter, I treasure the first 6 yrs. of my life and that 18 mos. I'm glad it ended on a high note, as that's what I dwell on now.
Thank you all, many times over.
I didn't read all the comments so someone may have said this already. I wonder if you have trouble "leaving it behind" or "getting over it" because you are still in the situation. It doesn't go away. You have to deal with it over and over again - every week when you go out with your mom. It's tough and it's hard. I personally think you are doing great in the hard situation you deal with!! No, it isn't just you!! You have my sympathy! Pam
I was fortunate to have had a wonderful mother and you make me appreciate her all the more. It is said we can become because of our parents or in spite of them. You fortunately saw the bitterness in your mom and knew it was not the way you wanted to live. I have friends who had bad childhoods and even years after parents pass on their hurt is still there to haunt them, I had a very hateful mother in law and she made me appreciate my mom all the more. She really would have loved to have destroyed my marriage. I think her dream was to have her little boy back. Bitterness is a horrible thing and so destructive. Glad you found what real love is when you found John and of course, your dear Gramma you always speak so lovingly of. It sure takes a lot of work to be patient with someone when we dont know what mood they will be in. Would love to give you a long distance hug! Gramma D
Gramma D...I felt that hug! THank you...
Pam, I expect you're right. I suppose what I find most disturbing is that I have become hardened in places I never wanted to be hard and fighting that out within me is the most devastating thing of all.
Oh dear one, it's not just you. When my mom passed away two years ago, it was a blessing and a relief. Not only because she was no longer suffering from Alzheimer's but all of her soul-troubles and mental health issues were healed. I knew my mom loved me. But I also knew she had her own brokenness that clouded everything she did and said. As I've healed and learned more about my own struggles, I understand her more. It doesn't make it hurt less. But it certainly makes me see it in a new light.
Praying for you - that as the decluttering process continues, you will find new peace, joy and hope.
Joy is the one word that keeps recurring to me this month. I will come into agreement with your prayer and thank you very much!
I have woke several times hearing Mother's voice in my head. She died 6 yrs ago this month. I talk to myself as if I was talking to a friend. You only answer to GOD, GOD know the reasons and you just need to hand it back to GOD and let him deal with it. Mother was a wino pot head narcissist. Daddy on the other hand was an alcoholic that quit drinking in his 60s when my ex went in to rehab (I had filed for divorce and he thought I would come back...he still does drugs and booze)
My youngest just told me she hears her biological father that abandoned her tell her she was not worth the effort and then she reminds herself that her step dad CHOSE to adopt her because he felt she was worth the effort.
You are not alone. You just need to learn how to hand it to GOD. Maybe write it in a letter and then burn it ? My kids did that. Put it in the Bible? Is what I do.
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