Coffee Chat: In Between

Hello dears.  Come in and let us have a chat.  Have some coffee.  It's certainly a little brisk outdoors and coffee would be good.  Not cold as my more northern neighbors judge it,  but our weather is cold for us, despite the sunshine.  It's that brisk wind that is the undoing of the sun's warmth.

But just look out the window at how high the weeds have grown and how they are dancing in that wind!   John did say on Monday that it was getting time to mow.  I just hate to even think on it because of his time at home on his two days off, that means that 1/4 of his day off will be spent mowing if it continues to rain regularly through the coming warm months.  Last year he had to cut lawn twice a week.  One neighbor was mowing this morning when I stepped out to feed the dogs and I can hear a mower humming somewhere near even now.  Yes, it's the season for it in our area.

Tonight is meant to be colder still and then a third night of freezing for good measure but the weeds don't seem to be bothered by the frost.  Nor are the pine blooms which are dusting things yellow in a very liberal sort of way.  I am more concerned about how the peaches might survive.  They were hurt last year by late frosts.  It's nearly spring and who knows?  It might freeze, it might snow, it might turn off hot, it might rain, it might blow.  March is unstable, unbalanced.   We've seen some of it all in past years.  

I was waiting for roll dough to rise but I'm not sure the recipe is quite right.  It's got all the ingredients but it's rather vague about a few things.  Was all the butter meant to go into the dough?  It doesn't say to divide it but it calls for brushing the dough with melted butter in another portion of the recipe but lists no separate amount for the butter to be used.  Was that meant to be extra over and above?  I split the difference...  And should the bowl be greased or not for the rising?  I'm well aware that some doughs shouldn't rise in a greased bowl but I'm totally unclear on this recipe.  I hope it turns out...and we'll just ignore that so called cake on the counter that I'd made to offer you this afternoon.

Not fit for consumption and a huge disappointment.  In all my years of cooking I've only ever thrown foods away uneaten exactly twice  but that cake is headed to the garbage.  I've gone back and read the recipe through four times and I did exactly as it said do but there it is a huge failure.  Oh my!

In fact, food disappointment seems to be the order of the day.  My midday meal was lackluster as well and I ended eating only half.   At least the dogs can eat those leftovers.  So back to my rolls... naturally I'm a bit suspicious of this new to me recipe I'm attempting with the rolls after my day thus far.  I'm hoping for the best.

The roll dough rose beautifully, completely coming to the top of the bowl and it had a lovely elastic texture.  I didn't find it too hard to remove from the bowl.  It had great huge bubbles in it and I could hear them popping as I rolled the dough into circles of sorts.  I could not get it to be a circle no matter how I tried.  I did the best I could and  cut into wedges and rolled as crescent shapes.  It is not a croissant dough but it was meant to be shaped in crescents and I must say it all turned out quite alright.   The next step is to freeze the dough, unbaked, and then take them out and allow them to thaw and rise and bake off at the time wanted.

I was handling the mass of dough the recipe made and thinking back to my very first ever loaves of bread some 40 years ago.  My great grandmother had taken up my (oldest) infant daughter and changed her diaper.   We'd been talking over the art of baking bread.  As she slipped the diaper under her, Big Mama gently poked the chubby butt cheek and said, "Bread dough should feel like a baby's bottom.  That's what my grandmother told me."    I experimented that week with my first loaves of bread and I suppose I thought my baby must have had buns of steel...Nothing turned out right about those loaves.  Not one thing.  The dough had too much density and was too compact, the bread was overbaked.  It was years before I'd attempt another loaf of bread.  Almost thirty years.   That's how badly I failed at it!  I thought of that today as I smoothed a ball of dough on the floured cloth and wondered at myself for giving up so easily.  I love to cook, as I did then and I experimented at making all sorts of things back then but one failure and I gave up.  What a shame!

Well, I've learned a few things and at times I make really good bread, and others rather decent bread and at times I make ok bread and now and then bread just fails and who knows why?   And that's using the exact same recipe week after week.   I was convinced all those years ago that I had only to follow the recipe and it would turn out.  And though we're told many times over by so called experts that baking is an exact science, it isn't so.  So much changes our baking.  Humidity or no humidity, how warm the room is or if there's a chill in the air, how well the yeast has kept, how warm the water or milk was when it was put it in, whether or not the oven is properly regulated.   

It appears that these rolls will turn out fine even though I wasn't sure just what some of the steps in the recipe were meant to be.  I have a basic knowledge of bread making now and I've learned a few  things just this past year about how to knead dough to promote the gluten and what properly raised dough looks like, etc. that insures I have success more often than I have a fail.  I am older and wiser and more stubborn about giving up on something I want to do.

Thinking about bread dough led me to thinking about recipes in general.  I am an interpretative cook.  That means I read a recipe and then I read the instructions and then I do it sort of my way and sort of by the instructions.  I cook according to my culture (Southern), my level of experience, what I have on hand, the tastes of my household.  I often don't know when a recipe doesn't turn out if it's because I messed up or if it's because of something I did wrong, so to have a screwed up cake like that this morning might have been due to my mistakes.  However, having carefully followed the recipe instructions...Well I won't be using that particular recipe again!   

However, my point isn't about the cake muck up, it's about cooking.  Years ago, while visiting a favorite oriental restaurant, I listened as the owner shared with another customer that her husband had just come up with a new recipe and would she be interested in trying it?  It occurred to me at that moment that those professional chefs who assure us we are eating authentic cuisine are just plain wrong.

How we cook is as individual as we ourselves are.  Recipes change according to our knowledge, and according to our personal experience.   Flavors are altered by the regions where foods are grown, so tomatoes from here might not taste the same as tomatoes grown in Florida.  It's true of canned brands, too.  Where a food is grown, what type of water is used in creating the liquid in the can,  will change the taste of a recipe,  etc.  A whole country full of cooks might make the very same dish for supper and if you visited every single house, no two dishes would taste the same.  The only thing authentic is the list of ingredients, but having changed brands or regions or been exposed to the individual cook's interpretation the recipe was altered.  It might all be chili but it sure doesn't all taste like the exact same chili!  I think that's just fascinating.

What shall we talk about today?  It's not an altogether easy passage of life just at the moment.   Mom things concern me.  Oh that they were but two once more and their cares as simple as a snuffly nose or low fever.  Things crop up to worry us pretty badly or upset us and night watch duty begins again.  I literally lay awake all night long Sunday night after a particularly rough course for the afternoon.  Between tornado sightings and upsets, the afternoon was wild.  I went to bed worn down and then  saw the clock tick past 5:30 before I ever slept a wink... For that matter, here's a perfect topic: let's discuss serotonin.  Yes, let's do!

Katie has mentioned low serotonin levels before and then Amie said something about it last night in a phone conversation and so this morning I had a crash course in serotonin and read all sorts of highly qualified medical studies, blurbs, nutritional bits, etc., you know internet knowledge which is sometimes condensed to the point that you say "Duh-uh..." or so technical that really without the research medical degree I don't know why on earth I was reading it.  But I gleaned this much:  It is highly likely that my sporadic insomnia and anxiety and my former depression is all caused by insufficient serotonin in my brain.  

There are two types of serotonin: one is produced in the gut and gets in the blood stream and one is regulated by the brain and the one in the brain is not necessarily going to respond to the serotonin in the blood stream. But they aren't quite positive that it won't... Isn't that a helpful thing to know?   

More women than men are prone to have insufficient serotonin, hence more women than men are likely to experience anxiety, panic attacks, obsessive compulsive thoughts or behaviors, suicidal thoughts, depression, insomnia, over eating and erratic mood swings as well as lowered sex drive.   Now if any of you want to raise your hand and wave, "Me, me, me!" on three or four of those just mentioned  behaviors, feel free to do so.  I'm right there waving my hand with you.   To add to our general confusion on the issue please be aware that all can also be a symptoms of  perio-menopause or hypothyroidism.  Just so we can stay totally confused about what's going on.  Low serotonin can be linked to hormones, especially to a lowered progesterone level (which I was diagnosed with twice) and can be genetic (myself, Amie, Katie and my oldest granddaughter have all suffered with this so it's likely that in our family it is a genetic pre-disposition).  

AND it can cause intense cravings for sweets or low glycemic food starches that can be turned into blood sugar  because your body's greatest desire is to produce insulin to boost serotonin levels.   Hence I'll toss in my suspicion that at some point in the near future, research will link diabetes 2 and the decreased  insulin production with low serotonin levels, since the body's drive to feel good has depleted and drained  insulin production cells in the pancreas.  Mind you that's MY theory...but I'm just willing to bet it's so.

Ultimately your goal is to encourage your body to produce as much serotonin on it's own as possible.  You do this by getting plenty of Vitamin D3 and your very best source of that is SUNSHINE or fish with fatty omega three acids (tuna and salmon) and supplements.   Honestly, the lack of vitamin D3 is linked to so many common ailments and organ functions that it would just pay you to take a supplement period.   You'll also want to get plenty of B vitamins (meat and leafy green vegetables) to increase the body's level of tryptophan, which naturally boosts serotonin.  Use of  a good probiotic product (or eat yogurt with natural probiotics) will insure a healthy gut which will insure that serotonin is moved along to the blood stream.  Exercise regularly.  Learn to reprogram your moods and thoughts.  Avoid highly processed sugar laden foods and fast foods.  Eat complex carbohydrates with a higher glycemic index level...  Does any of this sound like research I did on diabetes three years ago?  Yes it does!!

With any luck, some of that serotonin produced by the body and floats into our blood stream will get into the brain and alter our  mood/thoughts.  Although I must tell you here and now that despite research, the specialists have yet to figure out how exactly serotonin gets into the brain cells and are not convinced it's entirely possible for blood flow to allow an increase in the brain serotonin, hence they offer chemical helps via drugs such as Lexapro and Prozac which actually do  raise the serotonin levels in your brain.  I admit I'm a bit confused here, since the drugs must go into the blood stream to get into the brain and yet research shows they aren't sure that blood serotonin does any good...But I'm hardly an expert and certainly not a chemist.   I confess at this point I was pretty saturated with knowledge and had to leave off my study. 

So there's your mini crash course on serotonin!  

When my children were at home we promoted dinner time conversations and it was not uncommon for someone to ask a question that no one could answer...I was forever sending a child to grab an encyclopedia or dictionary or text book and we'd have a brief study on whatever subject matter had us stumped at the time right at the dinner table.  While there are many things I could do without in our modern age living, I sincerely and highly appreciate the internet and it's ability to provide information.  And honestly, how nice is it to need heft only a smart phone to get the info instead of lug  three or five heavy volumes of books?   I could live without the microwave which mostly warms forgotten cups of coffee and is used as an overly large timer but I'd miss the internet something fierce.   I love my dishwasher but I'll take the internet.  I can dry clothes on the line.  I can think of any number of modern conveniences I might give up but I think having information at our fingertips and YouTube videos to learn new skills or improve skills that like minded people do well, are some of the most beneficial reasons I know to have a home computer.  I am trying hard to use it more like a tool the majority of the time and less like entertainment, or at least trying hard to keep entertainment into an allotted time each day.

I am feeling mighty random this afternoon so you'll just have to skip from one thing to another with me.  Yesterday John took me to a bookstore.  There was a reason for it.  Being overtired and having spent the night wrestling with a family issue and personalities and my heart felt desire to change the world, I'd dissolved into tears at the breakfast table and poured out all my upsets and hurts and questions.   John has so much on his shoulders at present with situations at work and this grinding schedule that he's tended to pretty much just leave all the tough things to me to handle and he's more or less stuck his head in the sand and ignored the family dramas, etc.  His second line of defense has been to steadfastly refuse any discussion of any matter he found the least upsetting which was everything aside from his job.   Now usually that's okay  for the most part...But I'd lost my journal and I'd had no outlet at all for days on end and it was too much.  So tears came and hence our own little personal storm broke inside the house.

John had already planned a day out on Sunday and I was eager to go so I got myself calmed down and readied but that sunny outlook I've been trying to cultivate hid stubbornly behind a cloudy face.   I wanted it to be different but it was what it was at that moment.

And honestly, in anticipating what we might do I figured at best I was in for a long wait in the diy store or the automotive aisle at Walmart.  I wanted to get out of the house but I was thinking I'd just stay in the car and do my own version of poking my head in the sand and watch YouTube videos.

I admit, I was convinced I was right when we pulled into Walmart's parking lot...But then he didn't park he kept driving around the shopping center.   He finally told me where he wanted to go and we'd just turned one light too early for another shopping center.  I redirected him and  we arrived.  John wanted me to go in the bookstore and get books or magazine or whatever I desired.  Now the bookstore is where I feel more and more lost as I tend to read much older books and fewer new ones.  But books is books.  I like the way they smell and the way they look and I was game to try and find something. I had to make up a quick mental lists of authors I might look for and drew a complete blank, so I headed to the fiction aisle and started at 'A'.    I came across mostly classics I already own, though I did find a lovely leather bound copy of a book I'd only recently bought.  I smarted a bit over what I'd paid for a poor paperback copy which was half  whatthe leather bound one cost and the new book had illustrations, too.  I contemplated purchasing it but I didn't.  I kept looking.  Fortunately I found one book as a complete stumble upon, a new one by Nina George, who wrote The Little Paris Bookshop which was a very good book indeed.   I am glad the publisher thought to splash that title across the front cover otherwise I might not have stopped to choose that book at all.  But having enjoyed her previous book, I look forward to sampling her newer offering.

I chose my second book because, having had my memory triggered that there are a few modern day authors whose work I enjoy.   Bess' step mom and I had discussed the latest offering by Lisa See.   I discovered there are several books of hers I've not read, but I chose the one we discussed, The Tea Girl of Hummingbird Lane.   I confess that I tend to take Lisa See's books, read them and once read, I immediately ship them out to Amie.  She and I have shared a love of Amy Tan's books and I just know she'll enjoy Lisa See's work as well.  

It was while we were wondering over the book shop, me having found my books but following John as he browsed gift aisles and journal stacks, etc., that I heard John Tesh speaking on the piped in radio station about how people who fail to concentrate on only one task at a time tend to be far less productive...I do take issue with that statement, though I can see why a study might prove it to be otherwise.

I'll quickly point out that I know many people who start this task and in the midst of it, stop to remove something to another area and then start something in the new area before they go to a third area for a completely different reason and start another task and then circle back through the house wondering why there is disaster everywhere.  I do however, multi-task.  I mean, women just naturally lean towards multi-tasking don't they?  My hands are busy with this job and I'm thinking that next job out or listening to a video or both.   I get things done because I have learned to stay put until I finish the job I've started first, but multi-tasking just comes natural to me.  And I am a productive person!   So, no, I'm not going to paint everyone with the same brush and call it a study that proves a thing.

I was asked at the bookstore register if I had a store loyalty card.  Why yes, I do.  "No....it's expired.  It expired at the end of January."   Yes, I did realize it had been a year more or less since my last visit to the bookstore.  I tend to gravitate to online sources and thrift/antique store bookcases.   As I said earlier, mostly I like older books, not necessarily classics though some are, but I like older books.   However, what is the point in offering a loyalty card that must be 'renewed' in a year's time?  Even library cards are good for longer than that, and what harm does it do a business to keep the card active for a little longer?

Of course, I was offered a discount if I'd just reapply but I couldn't be bothered with all that.  I doubt I'll be back in to buy a thing for the next year.  I have a number of new and new to me books on my bookshelves at present and a large stack on the table by my chair to read, as well.   There's Peaches to Beaches this coming weekend a  local fair with a book sale in April.  I'll have plenty of reading choices.  Besides,  I learned last year that this store is always bombing my email box with special offers that look just like the special offer that just went out the day before, and so I ended cancelling the email notifications and there we are.  Sometimes, a small savings is not worth the larger aggravation that goes along with the temporary obligation.

I pointed out the women's shop that I tend to gravitate to most often for my personal shopping and was pleased when John suggested we go over and look.  And a bit more than astonished as well, because John usually sits in the car and snoozes or listens to talk radio rather than go into any store with me except the grocery.  He actually walked into the clothing store with me and stood about looking at the things I was looking at.  Poor man, there are no gadgets or men's items;   it is strictly a woman's shop.  I was not prepared to have my husband indulging me to this extent!

I explained what I was looking for but assured him I also pick up just anything I thought I might like, as well.  I could see a teeny little alarm on his face, but I assured him I then eliminated by trying on things and that generally saw a great many things go right back to the racks.   He immediately told me to buy whatever I wanted.  He's so lucky he's married to me...lol.

I went in specifically looking for black jeans (none in my size) and white jeans.  The sole pair in my size turned out to be some hybrid cross between a capri and an ankle length pant that hit me in the portion of my leg that just looked downright wrong, especially since the pant was cuffed.  Had they been the right length I might have been tempted because they were the sort that fit very well, not in the least baggy.   Much as I love this particular store it is a truth that once warm weather fashion commences hitting the racks there is rarely such a thing as a casual long pant or jeans.  It's capri city all the way.

I wanted to get a new white t-shirt, having spilt coffee on mine a week or so ago and being away from home, I couldn't wash it out immediately.  Despite vigilant rinsing and stain treatment when we got home, the stain did not disappear and then it was tossed in the dryer before I knew it hadn't come out.  I can cover it with a scarf but that won't work in really warm weather when even a scarf can be suffocating.  I consider a white t-shirt a classic to pair with most anything at all.   I wanted shirts that specifically might go with a pair of olive green jeans and a taupe-y sort of color  jeans both of which I love because they are so comfortable and both of which I'm finding it incredibly hard to pair with a thing besides a black or white t-shirt.

Well with these criteria in mind and knowing that I'd also be wearing jeans of some sort as well, I began my search.  I found a print top that was so cute with bell shaped ruffled sleeves in a peachy print with a bit of olive and coral.  I felt it would do well with both those comfy pants.

I put it on and everything was wrong about it.  I am pear shaped.  The ruffles began just below the elbow and that meant that the widest part of the shirt sleeve hit me right at the start of my widest parts, the stomach/hip areas and I looked thrice as big as I am.  In fact I was so shocked at how heavy I looked that I held my arms up and looked again and I was astonished at how much more slender I looked!

John had asked me about a blouse that I'd already glanced at three times and didn't pick up.  I know just why he liked it.  It was a blue and white strip  button down shirt with a collar.  John really does have good taste, leaning towards the classic pieces.  He's also very opinionated about what looks good and what doesn't. 

I tend to lean away from shirts made in the classic fashion because too often if they fit my hip, they fall off my shoulders and bust.  If they fit my shoulders and bust, I cannot fasten the bottom two buttons.  This particular shirt had a three quarter length sleeve with a big bow tied at each cuff and it was really pretty, but I'd already discounted it because of my history with poor fit.  However, because John asked me about it, I took it up in my size and carried it off to the dressing room.  I was shocked at how very well it fit and looked on me.  My husband was well pleased when I told him I was buying it.  

I ended with the blue and white striped blouse, a denim blue swing t-shirt, a coral and a white t-shirt and a lovely sheer kimono to wear over a tank top I already have at home.

(I did try to find better pictures online but the site wouldn't let me copy or save them to post here.)

So I got my handful of clothing and laid it on the counter and left nearly three fourths of what I'd picked up on the return rack in the dressing area.  John was quite sincere when he told me to buy what I wanted, but it felt  good to tell him I'd been saving my allowance to buy things for spring/summer and had the cash to pay for it.  I was kind of pleased too that my shopping and trying on had taken less than 20 minutes which isn't a long sort of purgatory for any man, is it?

John sort of just drove around for a little after that and then I realized we were heading to a little oriental place  I have always favored but seldom go to because it's far out of our usual shopping area.  It was along about then I realized that my husband was determined to treat me special for that day at least.   John is a thoughtful man, but he's a man.  You know what I mean.  I tend to fix his favorite foods more than mine, and we watch his sort of favorite shows, and we go the places he likes to go to eat or visit, etc.  He's not selfish, but he tends to think of things in relation to himself.  However, now and then he takes time to do something like he did yesterday, where it becomes increasingly obvious that the day is all about me and what he knows I'd like that I feel more than reciprocated for those days and weeks of pampering him.

This weekend is daylight savings time.  Spring forward they tell us and how we're meant to spring when the next morning the sky is black as night at 7am is beyond me.  And we lose an hour of sleep.  I don't suppose, if I'm on night watch and awake already it really counts as losing but if it's a sleeping night then I'm losing an hour's rest.  The flip side is that it shall not get dark until 8pm but that's of little consequence to me.  I'd heaps rather have that early morning sunlight!   I will share too that I've found it terribly confusing to young children when they've grown accustomed to at last getting on the bus in the morning in daylight and now it's dark thirty all over again at that time.  I remember my niece wailing "But Aunt Terri, WHY do I have to always go to school in the dark?!"

Speaking of my niece reminds me I haven't shared about our Friday evening visit with the boys.  She was just Josh's age at the time she wailed at me, lol.

 Isaac demonstrated that he has grown since his birthday.  He has!  He reached right up to the fruit bowl and took out an orange, something he couldn't do two weeks ago.   Then he found my little triangle thing, you know the little wood triangle with the golf tees that you play at Cracker Barrell?   I've kept the golf tees in a plastic baggy in a tin next to my chair because I worried about Isaac poking himself or putting them in his mouth.  He took the triangle up from the box where he'd stored it last visit, walked over to the tin and took out the baggy and indicated that he wanted to put the tees in the triangle.  He's got coordination enough to do it now, too, and not one golf tee went into his mouth.

Josh was in good form on that visit, too. He was polite and asked permission to do things and he talked and talked.  At one point in the evening, Isaac began to bang his spoon on the table and Josh was singing at the top of his lungs.  We were meant to be eating and while I don't insist on silence at the table it was too much.

After supper we had Shabat.  Josh is very proud of the part he gets to play in our little Shabat evening.  It's his job to pray over our Tzadakah offerings and to put the collected change in the box.
Isaac wants so badly to hold that little sherry glass of juice we use as our wine but I can't quite make myself let him do it yet.  They each got to blow out a candle after our little prayer time.

Josh amused us greatly on the way to his home that night when John said something was  a good thing.  Josh replied "Well I think going to Gramma and Grandpa's house is a good thing!"  It was such a sweet heartfelt compliment.

Growing up, this place, this land was a safe haven for us children, all seven of us cousins.  Each of us suffered at home in various ways from abuse and financial insecurity and alcoholism.  On the surface it all looked well enough.  We were clothed and fed good foods and we had the physical necessities.  But neglect is a funny thing.  It hides well under the guise of privilege.  But here, on this land, was carefree childhood, work and fun in good measure, the awareness of  the most steadfast love.  As we headed home Monday afternoon John and I spoke of that.  I'd spoken of it over the weekend with visitor in my home.  A safe haven.  A good place to be.  It's all I can offer, so I will.

Funny isn't it...I'd forgotten how happy Friday evening was in the misery of Sunday night.  I wish I'd thought of it sooner.  It wouldn't have made what troubled me any less...In fact, it only points up the great huge contrast in two lives, but it sure did me good just now to remember how very pleasant that visit with the boys was.

Yesterday did me good, too.  I needed a little tender indulgence.  I told John I hated that retail therapy apparently worked so well at lifting my mood.  I mean, it's nice but I don't want that to be my feel good fix.  Still, I confess a certain pleasure in having brand new  books to hold in my hand and pretty new things to add to my wardrobe and the intentional  attention that John gave the day.  And then Amie called and reminded me that given time and patient all things work out.  She reminded me of how difficult times had been and yet those difficulties no longer existed.  Quite right my wise girl, quite right.  I'd lost perspective in that long night past.

Samuel called with a good piece of news, too.  Another example of how God can work in ways we least expect to bring about some good thing.  Then he too reminded me of a time when things had been different.  But they had changed.  I heard the message.  Wait.  Now is not forever.  Give it time.

Oh listen to the house sighing about us just now.   It's settling down for the night.   Do you realize we've been chatting away since lunch was over and now it's sunset time?  I've kept you long today, but I needed your company.  It's late, but light out enough to make it home.