Wednesday Rambling: Always Near

I woke late this morning, sleeping until nearly 9am.  I dreamed I was busy working and Amie suddenly came into the room.  I didn't leave my work to visit with her though it's now been 15 years since I last saw her.  Later I found her with Granny and Granny was holding her as she would a child.  She passed Amie into my arms.  I held Amie and hugged her and kissed her. I told her how much I loved her, how I missed her.  

There's so much in a dream sometimes, isn't it?  Yes, I can be very work focused and forget at times that there is family with whom it's far more important to spend my time.  

My two oldest, Jd and Amie are not the sorts to stay in touch much.  They seldom call, they never write, and every once in a blue moon they might send a text.  

I see Jd only rarely.  He works away from home all week long, rushes home on Friday to pick up his children for the weekend, spends Saturdays with them and then drives back to whatever jobsite he's working on come Sunday.   There's not much time for him to visit here.  I've suggested to John perhaps we ought to plan to visit there, but it does cost us to rent a hotel room and it's a hard trip to make in a 24-hour period since it's about a 5-hour drive for us one way.   There's little point in staying over Saturday night since the mad rush is on for Jd to get laundry done and the children ready to go back to their mom's.  

I don't have that much with Amie. I remember birthdays and holidays and send gifts up north and I may or may not hear that they arrived, though here in later years I've gotten some sort of message more often than not to let me know they'd arrived.  Now and then we get a package from Amie, but I know money is often tight for them and I don't expect much, not even a card (heavens those are dear in price these days, aren't they?).  

When John was working, we often priced visiting.  We figured a long car trip with hotels, and we figured on flights, rental cars and hotel.  While he was working, there was never enough time to make that long road trip and the cost of both modes of transportation and visiting were very high.  We knew then that when he retired travel was going to be even further out of budget.

I have missed her deeply.  I've grieved and mourned over her and the children whom I've never met and the relationship I'll never have with any of them.  For years, I couldn't even speak her name, wouldn't allow the thought of her to pass through my mind because I'd be in tears.  

One day in a phone call, in which we both had sobbed, Amie said quietly, "We can do this Mama.  We can't visit and I know I won't write.  But remember that pioneers did this all the time.  They left home to go far away and many of them never saw or heard from their family members ever again.  At least we do stay in touch now and then."  Oddly enough, it was a comfort to hear her say that.  When I was tempted to weep, I'd remember she was a pioneer and in many ways she is.  She went off into what for us both is an unknown land, to live her life.  

It was Jd's daughter Hailey who helped me understand something important.  She asked me once if I ever thought of her. I asked Hailey, "Do you think of me?"  She nodded.  I said to her, "Remember when you think of me, that I'm thinking of you.  You're always near."  I thought I was teaching Hailey something, but it taught me something.  I've learned that I can hold Amie and Jd both close in my thoughts as I go throughout my day.  I know that on her side, Amie's thinking of me.  She is always near.   

Still, it was awfully nice to see her in my dream last night.