Tuesday, July 9: Let's go back to yesterday when I took Millie out for the day. The boys have gone to camp, and we went together to do an errand, eat lunch, do a little shopping and come back here. The day went too quickly, but I personally found my day out with her a delight.
First she confessed to me her worry that her Papa Pat was dead. I told her he was not dead. "But he's old..." "Yes, and one day he will die, but he knows Jesus as his Savior...He'll be in heaven with Grampa and one day you will be there, too." Perhaps only a Southern child finds this line of thought logical and reassuring. I don't know, not ever having dealt with any but Southern children! However, Millie chatted happily after that and made me laugh out loud with several funny observations.
Millie and I have spent time alone together in the past but always here. I don't think I've ever taken just her, by herself, off for a day as I did yesterday. First, I had to go to the bank and that proved to be a rather lengthy visit. Then we went to Warner Robins and went through the car wash. Hold that thought...
Then we'd decided to go to Burger King because she wanted to go to the play spot. I am here to say now that while our meals yesterday were perhaps better value than my last visit to BK, I can safely say that quality overall is not what it was once. In future, our visit might be limited to the purchase of a cookie and drink!
Millie is terribly shy. That's one reason why she's incredibly easy to have along as company! She won't draw attention to herself if she can avoid it. So, our lengthy wait at the bank wasn't an issue with her at all.
At BK, she ate her meal and watched the children play and finally she got up and stood by her chair and watched. She'd start to go and then she'd back up and sit down and then stand again. This went on for a good 20 minutes before she finally went in by herself and started to play. A little boy came out of the play area crying because he was frightened to do something, and Millie had just made up her mind that since no one was playing with her, she'd rather leave. I gently suggested she take the little boy up the slide and keep him company. Well, she made fast friends with him and his older brother and the three played for a good 40 minutes.
We headed over to Target after the play group started to split up. I found her a pretty sundress that had been marked down and I took her into the toy section and let her pick out a toy. She did very well there, neither wanting dozens of things nor taking overlong to deliberate. When I suggested a baby doll, she looked sad and said "No please...I don't really like them..."
Well, there's the story of my life. My baby dolls were life to me when I was her age but not one of my daughters and not one of my granddaughters has given a fig for a baby doll. Samuel and Caleb were the only two to want a baby. Samuel had a My Buddy doll. Caleb adopted the pitiful doll I'd ordered online which wasn't quite as advertised. He soon abandoned it...Can't say I blamed him! Oh and Josh had two Melissa and Doug bowling pins that he called 'babies and carried everywhere with him. But not one of the girls ever wanted a baby doll.
We picked up a donut for a treat and came home where she happily opened her toy and then crafted for a little bit before walking home. She'd been over to the house on her own before but for some reason she hesitated. I watched her as she went slowly across the yard, stopping to look carefully through the trees to the path and then she'd hesitantly move forward. But in the end, she must have gathered all her courage up together and went running through the opening. I'd have happily driven her home, but she'd requested to walk on her own.
My back raged at me. The Honda was the culprit, of course. It just sits too low and having gotten in and out again a dozen times, I felt it all over. I reminded myself that the Honda is a perfectly good car...and it is! Hold that thought, too...
So, this morning, after a ridiculous struggle to sleep (reminder to self that both iced tea and iced coffee in one afternoon are great for keeping one awake all night), I dragged myself from bed early-ish and got ready to leave for an after-lunch appointment in Americus.
I decided to drive the Toyota. I debated on taking the Honda, but I'd had a long prayer the night before about the cars overall and I reminded myself that the Toyota had driven just fine to and back from Warner Robins on Sunday. I vaguely thought I should check the oil, but then I caught a glimpse of the clock and realized I was about to miss my window for prompt arrival at my appointment. I hopped in the car, said another prayer and off I went. All went well though I thought once or twice I heard an odd sound in the engine.
What was obvious was the smell of oil. I contacted Sam when I arrived and told him that it still smelled strongly of oil. "I spilled some on the exhaust when I filled it, Mama. I'm pretty sure that it's just burning off still." Okay then.
I went to my appointment and attended to things and then I left and headed home. I took the same route back that I'd taken going down. I've told you all before that I live in a very rural area. And I mean what I say! There are no real towns between Butler and Americus, unless you drive off on a side road to go to Ellaville or Ideal. Neither has a thing to offer in the line of mechanic or proper gas station, etc.
I was about 10 miles out of Butler when the oil light began to flash. I called Sam and warned him that I was needing a rescue. I made it to a church we used to attend which is literally in the middle of nowhere. I was relieved to see the landscape had changed in one way: there's now a cell tower closer by. Despite this I had a hard time getting enough bandwidth to contact AAA (which Sam had just signed me up for on Sunday!). I ordered a tow truck and called Sam to tell him where I'd landed, then called the mechanic to let them know my car was coming back.
Then I waited. Not for long thankfully, and my experience with AAA was a good one despite my misgivings at having to visit the website to ask for assistance instead of being able to speak with someone firsthand. I didn't like that part at all! However, they responded via text and kept in touch with me the entire time. Sam arrived. He looked under the hood and told me, "I don't know why but it's leaking oil like crazy around that repair area. You can see it spilling out on the ground."
I left the car where it was and came home with Sam. Just as well, because the tow driver had to come out of Byron which was a good 50 miles away. I only just missed having to pay any extra for service over mileage on that tow!
So here at the end of a long day, my car was delivered to the mechanic at closing. It will be seen to tomorrow.
There's nothing I can do. Not one single thing. I'd been praying about the cars; both of them. While at the car wash yesterday the Honda had a leak into the interior. Sam and I discussed my options. He suggested I wait until I hear from the mechanic about the Toyota, and I certainly will, but I have a strong feeling that John's feelings about getting a new to us vehicle this year may well be fact.
The Honda is lower mileage, but John didn't baby it. The Honda was treated to routine oil changes, and run like crazy without any concern at all. It wasn't kept clean or vacuumed or anything. It led the life of a proper working man's car. And it's run well all of the time, despite deer accidents. It has roughly 137, 000 miles on it.
The Honda is sporty. It sits lower and the seats are lower in the car than those in the Toyota. We took the Honda to Florida last November and we got 50mpg on the trip. If you're not getting in and out and in and out and in and out, it doesn't tend to bother my back. I can't fault its good qualities at all.
The Toyota had the tune-ups and belts changed, routine parts replacements and all the bells and whistles attended to. It got cleaned more often and has been thoroughly detailed inside and out on several occasions. It has always ridden like a dream and been reliable as could be. Typically, I get around 31mpg. It has 237,000 miles.
But I have to look at this objectively. Am I really ready to pour more money into a 21-year-old car? I've just put over $8000 in them in the past six months, over $6000 of that went into the Toyota...I researched cars this evening, checking mileage prices, safety ratings, Kelley Blue Book statistics, car experts opinions. I printed off sheet after sheet of information. I could afford a newer car if I do have to buy another and stay well under 70,000 miles on the odometer. I figure pretty much any car I get will likely last me another 20 years. And if I'll want a car after that, when I'm 87, will just have to be seen when I get there!
But can I just say that I am deadly tired of adulting at the moment? Oh, I'll keep right on doing it but the number of decisions, legal matters, hoops and loops I've been through since April 1 is a bit daunting on its own and adding the need for a newer car to the list is not helping.
I'm calling this day done and going to bed!
Thursday, June 11: I had a whole list of things I was going to do today, all 'ought to' things...Which would have been day six in the series of getting out of the house and doing the things that must be done. I reluctantly include yesterday which wasn't an onerous day of ought to but a promise made to go out with my friend Susan. Truth told, I came very near cancelling that day. I was tired yesterday morning. I pushed through and thoroughly enjoyed myself, but there were still things I had to do because I 'ought to' like go pick up my car from the mechanic.
Yes, the car is all fixed and this time it sounds absolutely fine, the way it's always sounded which is super quiet and smooth running. And it was the mechanic's error so no charge. A gasket had pinched and so the valve cover wasn't fully sealed, hence my woes. The engine was tested for any damage and came out clear. Just for good measure they filled the thing with oil and adjusted the brakes. So there we are.
I am sure that many of you are like me. You can 'hear' your car, and you know what sounds off and what sounds normal. Today when I drove it home, it sounded normal, like it always sounds. Which makes me think I probably should have taken it back last week and left it all over again because it didn't quite sound right then. I decided I was just over tired or paranoid or both. Reminder to self for today: trust my instincts!
So I didn't finish my to do list from Tuesday on Wednesday and I thought I'd just get up early this morning and go to it.
But today the list is set over to the side. Not completely out of the 'ought to' way, because I needed to water plants and make meals and do something with the six bananas that went ripe all at one despite my wrapping the stem end tightly with plastic...but weariness today sidelined me. And I've let it. There are leftovers I can eat for the day. I'm staying in, not doing anything but the absolute necessities and going nowhere at all.
Sam came over as a courtesy to check my oil level. I confess I'm little gun shy about oil levels since the last two episodes. All was well. He looked over the research I'd done thus far on purchasing a newer car, told me his opinions on some of the make/models suggested by a website, confessed he rather liked the two cars I'd most liked.
No, I'm not buying a new car right away. It's not a matter of money nor of time. It's a matter of being exhausted from making so many decisions about so many things. I have true decision fatigue. I really do.
My friend Roni pointed out something I'd failed to take into account this month. "A lot of the decisions you're making right now have added emotional weight, because they were things you'd normally have had John helping you determine. And each time you do this on your own, you're reminded that he's not there."
I told Samuel today that I think I'm going to incorporate a mandatory, "Want to..." day in each week from here onward. I generally try to keep a Shabat on Saturday still, but I'm a little more relaxed about that lately. However, waking every day and saying, "Today I ought to do..." and listing off multiples of tasks (all of which do need to be done but not all right away!), has taken its toll. If I have one day when I wake up and say, "Today, I want to..." and I go off to do the fun things I've put aside in order to cram more 'ought to' into the week perhaps I'll feel less stressed.
For instance, I want to go to Lowe's to look at plants, choose paint samples for the study, and purchase paint (and paintbrushes) for the entry doors. I have pushed it back every week for the past six weeks because I was so busy doing so much else that has to be attended to.
I want to take an afternoon and honestly play with making an art journal, or a glue book or something. At least getting one started. Instead, I sit at my desk and open the computer to write a post, which I love to do but at the same time I consider writing as 'work'. It has a purpose. Whereas playing about crafting, coloring, doing genealogy, or working a jigsaw puzzle don't feel like work. Those things are all fun things for me. They don't serve anyone else in any manner. They're just things I like to do.
When I shared about my mandatory 'Want to' day, Sam nodded. "And remember, Mama. It's okay to just 'want to' lie in bed an extra couple of hours, or to sit and do nothing at all." He's right. My son is as goal oriented as I am and it's nice to get a reminder from someone else who has learned the art of doing less at times.
So today, I've totted up my checkbook which I had to do, and I've popped banana pieces into the freezer but also made banana bread. I've watered the poor plants which are drooping. I've made my bed and put away dishes and clothes. But this afternoon, I'm retiring. I feel a nap coming on. And I'm going to go ahead and spread a puzzle out on the dining table and sort through the pieces. I'm going to grab an old notebook and begin the process of creating a glue book. I'm going to take it easy.
Tomorrow, I'll do what I ought to do.
Saturday, June 13: Sheesh! How is we've come to the middle of June (or very nearly) already?! I'm telling you these last two weeks were hard ones.
Well, I didn't get much done on Friday. It started out gung-ho and ready to go. I had my plans made and was up early as well. But then I discovered that the gift I'd ordered online for Josh was not right. He wanted two games which I'd found at a phenomenal price. Turns out that I couldn't give them to him, as I'd ordered digital games. They were auto downloaded onto my personal account and could be only used by me, or himself when he was here. Or he could sign in my name to his system at home...Well, I don't want to play the games, and he doesn't want to sign out of his account where his friends know him to sign into mine. I get that.
So, I returned them, got my money refunded and went to Amazon to purchase the games. One will arrive tomorrow. The other was also a digital download. And that one turned into the biggest cruddiest pain in the backside of an elephant you have ever dealt with. The code auto downloaded into my account on the game site where I'd purchased the original two games. You have to have an account to purchase the games hence I had an account. I asked if they'd release the code and let me gift it to my grandson. Nope. Ask for a refund from Amazon. Amazon doesn't refund games and why should they? The game site has the code and won't release it. Therefore, Amazon is not getting the game back. Someone was going to lose money on the deal, and it wasn't going to be the Amazon seller. As well he oughtn't!
Argued, begged, pleaded. No go. In the end, I overpaid for the one game by about 4xs what I'd originally paid for it and I lost my money. A lot of money for a normal, not any special year number birthday gift. And it took up 3 hours of my morning. Which meant I no longer had time to go tend to the duties outside of the home before meeting up for Josh's birthday lunch. So wasted time and money.
Never mind. Josh requested an adult only party with no little kids and no extra family. Just his two grandmothers and his dad. He wanted to go eat at 5 Guys burgers. I'd heard it was pricey. Never mind. His dad wanted to treat him to his requested meal, and the grandmothers were lucky recipients. And it was good! Honestly no pricier than eating out at my favorite restaurant and ordering a burger.
After lunch we came back to their house and enjoyed a White Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake which Josh had requested. He requested that Sam make a cheesecake, but Sam was not interested in attempting that again having had a spectacular failure on his first trial. Sam ordered one from a NY chain that specializes in cheesecakes. Isn't the internet wonderful how it will allow us these sorts of treats? I just love it. Carrolyn sent me an authentic Polish pastry ring when John died. It came from a Wisconsin bakery and golly gee, but it was pretty wonderful! My guests loved it. I'd frozen it and saved to serve the night we scattered John's ashes...
Anyway, the cheesecake was super yummy and though it looked small it served us all with half leftover to serve the family twice again. So, there you go. What seemed extravagant was on the one hand, but a better value than thought at first on the other hand.
I came home from the little party, sat down in my chair with much wanted cup of coffee and nodded right off to sleep. I was still well and truly tired from the two weeks hard slogging behind me. I woke about dinner time and found soup in the freezer which suited me just fine. I have canned soups on hand, but truthfully, I much prefer the homemade over the canned ones, even though I bought a 'better' brand. Note to self, make some more homemade but freeze in smaller containers.
By 10 last night I could barely see the television screen. I gave up and went to bed and went right off to sleep.
I woke with an alarm this morning, which I switched off but I got up within 30 minutes of the time I'd intended to wake. I sat on the back porch with my glass of lemon water, morning sunbathing my skin with warmth, listening to the birds with the Merlin app recording them to see what I could identify. It really is a lovely way to come fully awake.
I brought coffee to the study and sat here and printed off pictures from the week behind so I can add them to my journal for the week.
I ate breakfast then I dressed and went off to do at least some of the 'ought to' things I'd pushed off. A couple I couldn't do since it's not a business day, but I got enough done to make it worthwhile. It took me a couple of hours and then I was headed right back home and quite happy to be here.
Now I am going to have coffee, journal a bit and I'm going to call the day as pretty much done. The week is over. It's time to be fully at rest.
May next week's adulting choices not all be so exhausting!
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