Saturday, October 17: Why is it that if you can't go to sleep and find yourself still sitting up wide awake at midnight, and you turn off your alarm so you can possibly sleep in the next morning, your phone starts dinging messages at 6am? And the moment you doze back off, someone pulls up in the yard and knocks on the door? And when, later that day, you decide you simply cannot stand forcing your eyes to stay open one minute longer, you lie down in bed and the AC unit fan kicks on the moment you doze off?
Such was life today. I pushed hard and when I felt I could go on no longer, I lay down and then was immediately jolted awake. I've always hated having the AC/heat pump right outside my bedroom window and I can't say I like it any more some 29 years later. I wonder, if and when this one needs to be replaced, how much extra it would cost to move it to the end of the house where both bedrooms have a closet on the end wall to buffer the sound?
I have soul searched and journaled and written today until I am sick of myself because of course, it has all been about me, me, me. It's been honest and brutally so. I've had to own some things I'd always managed to push away a little too easily but this time they wouldn't budge until they were acknowledged. Well, I've acknowledged them. I've admitted my failings and my flaws. I don't think even getting the haircut I so desperately need, or putting on makeup would help the reflection I see in the mirror just now.
I'm pretty sure what I need is a good self-care regimen: proper meals eaten at proper times, a few good nights of sleep, a haircut, some skin care and pampering, and a few good walks. And maybe a getaway of some sort where I can sleep and rest and not think at all...
Sunday, October 18: I keep having these little flares of panic hit me. Nothing sustained. And nine times out of ten, the moment I feel the first little wrench in my gut, I start to monitor my thinking and my breathing and it passes quickly. But I can't say I like the flare-ups.
Mind you all, I am well aware that it's just an overload of feeling and stress. And last night I decided that what I need is to re-establish my routines and self-care post haste. I began by eating a meal that included vegetables and fruit. I also showered and shaved and moisturized. And later, I went to bed a little earlier and I fell asleep so quickly that I never got a chance to begin my prayers! I was shocked at that. Mind you, I typically do not lie down in bed to say my prayers. I say them before I go into the bedroom, and I suppose that was my first mistake. But I obviously was more than ready for rest and having relaxed my body with the self-care routines, I did just that.
I slept incredibly well and while I didn't dream of John last night, I did dream his dad came to visit. I was comforted by that because I found John's dad a great friend and truly loved him. I love that in the dream I didn't have to guess who he was. He looked just as I remember him looking. Indeed, as I've seen him look in many family pictures.
I set my alarm early enough to allow me to take a leisurely morning coffee before getting ready for church and that too was a help. No rush and dash and hurry. I even had time to journal a bit before leaving home.
At church today, I noted a senior woman and a former pastor walking up to join the prayer team. I didn't think much of it, but as I was leaving church after service they were in front of me, holding hands. I don't know how long she's been a widow, but the pastor has been widowed for a bit over a year. They are older people, older than I by about 20 years. I marveled at that and am pleased that they have found this opportunity for companionship in their most senior years. I pondered what it might be like to find myself in the same shoes, but I truly can't imagine it. However, I do rejoice for them that they have this opportunity.
Katie said the children were asking for Gramma's Fried Chicken. I took a chance on the nearest Publix and they actually had chicken cooked and ready for customers. Not at all typical of this particular store. So, I grabbed a box and some potato salad from the deli cooler and headed over to visit with them. I had just enough time to eat dinner with the family before they headed off to take Taylor home.
Then I drove to Perry to see Mama. She's still in the hospital. She is vague about some things and incredibly clear about others. I stayed with her about an hour or so and then left her to rest. She tires easily but if anyone is in the room she will not actively rest. She keeps opening her eyes to see if you are still there.
I stopped at the local grocery on the way home to pick up milk and eggs, 2 bananas, a red onion, a tomato, and a bag of frozen French fries. $23. I was surprised that there were only 3 bunches of bananas and that the egg and milk stock were both super low. I go in so seldom I don't know if this is normal for a weekend or the time of month or if it's unusual.
Prices locally are always very high compared to what I pay in my usual shopping area some 40 miles away, but I generally buy my milk at the local store because I actually prefer the size bottle (quart) and the brand they carry there. The milk has a higher cream content than most milks and it tastes 'real' and not watered down. I've noted too that if I freeze this milk, it must be shaken well to redistribute the milk fat and cream, more than other brands. Should the local grocery no longer carry this brand, I'm not sure what I'd do for milk. It's one of those instances where now that you've had the best, why bother with the rest, lol.
When I got home it was 5pm. I wanted nothing more than to wash my face, put on my pjs and robe and shut myself in from the world. And that's exactly what I did. It wasn't a hard day nor a harsh one, but I have been feeling very prone to be a recluse lately and had little time to employ that desire.
Monday, October 19: I've worked all day long today. The house was a mess. I didn't even get to the spare bath, study or the guest/playroom. Nor did I work on the porches. It took until well into the afternoon to get the remainder of the house cleaned up.
I used to declare that John was the messy one, but the truth is, as I've discovered, it's me. I'm the messy one. I do try to pick up behind myself and stay atop things, but inevitably I'm going to have a full trash can in one room, a pile of clothing I failed to rehang in the bedroom, dishes in the sink that accumulated over a day, or two. I can blame no one else for the floors that obviously need to be swept as I'm the only one here! It's all on me.
I cleared out the fridge and planned meals from the freezer/pantry. I am not specifically doing a pantry/freezer challenge just now, but after the cost of the work done on cars last week, I'm very conscious that I am on the verge of having spent my full income this month. While I do have money I can draw on beyond that, I prefer not to spend all I have come in, much less more than I have. I am now at the 'have spent all I have for this month' stage. Since I bought milk and eggs yesterday, I really should manage for a bit without anything further. I may not have all I want but I have plenty and I am in no danger of going hungry or having real needs unmet.
This also means I'm putting purchasing my new stove on hold for a month or possibly two. I could buy the stove with savings, or I could put it on the credit card, but I really do NOT want to do either of those things.
The stovetop works just as always and is not an issue at all. I have a Cuisinart 5 in 1 countertop oven that I have used for two years now all through the summer to reduce the heat in the house. I've only used the stove oven now and then when I wanted to bake a long loaf of bread in the past few months. I can do everything but bake a loaf of bread in the Cuisinart oven and that's not an issue since I have a bread machine that will bake a loaf just fine. If I should want to make a Turkey breast or whole chicken, I have a slow cooker that will work beautifully for that.
I'm so close to paying off the last charge for the big car repair done in summer and the big medical bill from John's hospital stay. With 5 birthdays in the next five weeks and then Christmas coming along, I'd rather wait on the purchase of the stove. That would mean, I'll come into the New Year without fresh debt, provided the cars continue to behave. I'll buy a new stove then.
My financial goal overall is to come to March 2027 with a bit more in savings, all the debt incurred since John's death for repairs, home maintenance, medical bills, death expenses, lawyer fees, etc. done with and to have at least what I started with last March in the bank. It's a big goal, but not an impossible one.
Tuesday, October 20: I suppose that all of the family drama, and my resulting emotional spiral blinded me for a bit. I don't know. But today I realized that Mama is not going to get better.
Mama is not 'sick'. She is not depressed by the usual guidelines. She is 89 and she keeps saying "I'm so tired." And more and more as she's been in the hospital, she has mostly kept her eyes closed, with momentary questions about this or that and then she closes her eyes again saying, "I'm so tired."
Each time I've seen her, I've hoped to see visible improvement, but instead she's been a little more quiet and more tired. There is no physical diagnosis that explains her condition. She's a little low on potassium. The infection has been cleared up in record time. I kept expecting that any day, I'd come in and find her looking brighter and cheerier, or at least in the mood for a good argument. Not so.
Today, my former nursing home experience began to make the connection. She's eating less and less, drinking less, wants only to sleep, makes no effort to move, has extremely low interest in everything. She has given up. It is not related to pain, or illness. It is a malaise that comes upon some elderly folks. You can treat them for depression if they are willing to take medication, get them counseling, force feed and hydrate them...But they are not going to improve. They are tired and done. Doctors call it Failure to Thrive when it's gone on for a while and though no one has yet tagged that upon her, I believe it is what I see.
She is willing herself to release her hold on life.
It is at this point that you begin to question what you believe morally, ethically, and spiritually. It was a question that never had a satisfactory answer for anyone when I worked in the Nursing Home. There were those who believed you force fed and hydrated and medicated regardless of the resident's wishes, and those who believed that the resident had the right to exert their own will. The end goal was always to keep them as comfortable as we could. But no one agreed on where that level of comfort should be. There was never any right or perfect answer.
And the residents themselves often found ways around intervention even if they had given reluctant permission. Pills were held under the tongue and found piled in the corner of a trash can. They'd take inconvenient naps at mealtimes and miss that meal. If feeding tubes or IVs were inserted, they'd be pulled out repeatedly. At some point you had to acknowledge that their message was coming through louder than yours.
If medical professionals couldn't agree on what is right and good, then imagine how it hits a family. So many conflicting emotions. It is a hard and difficult time. You can fight and quarrel. Or you can come to an agreement that the quarreling is only making it harder and more difficult for everyone, including the elder family member. And at the end of a lifetime, don't they deserve peace above all else?
What I saw, with the few residents who chose to passively let go of life was that once their mind was made up that they were done, there was little you could do to reverse it. You might extend their life, but only by a month or three at best, as it was a battle of wills and in the end, the elderly always won. Their body gave up the fight. What had been accomplished in forcing them to live longer than they had the desire to? What was the purpose of fighting them and not allowing them to peacefully ease out of a life that they had already lived to the fullest of their ability?
It's a series of questions I've been asking myself all afternoon.
I've talked to my eldest daughter, Amie about it this afternoon. She works in a Nursing Home herself, and she has experienced the same mindset in a few of her residents. There's the 102-year-old who is still living life to the fullest and has already booked her next cruise (!) who literally plans to live right up until the moment she dies and then the 75-year-old who sees no good in life and lies there willing her life to end. There's no explaining why either one feels as they do.
In the end, they both have their way, regardless of family, medicine, faith, etc. The 102-year-old lives right up until the last minute and the 75-year-old lets go of the thread and is gone.
And that's where we are today...
Wednesday, October 21: It does seem every day comes with a brand-new set of battles to be dealt with. Not even battles of our own creation. There are plenty of those, too, but battles that just come to you and sort of smack you about a bit, until you remember that God is in control and even if we are getting shaken, He has a plan.
The doctor insists Mama be discharged. I am well aware that there's nothing more they can do for her. An employee had failed to make a note on the chart that they were seeking rehab placement for her, so this created a temporary panic.
So far, Mama has been turned down by two facilities at the same place, nursing home and a separate rehab center, because she initially refused medication and some services. I believe she has taken everything they've given her and done all they wanted, but I do not know. I didn't stay at the hospital with her day and night, nor did any other family member. And as I found the other day she is incredibly stubborn and willful.
What those refusals mean for her after care I cannot say. The plan was that she'd be moved from the rehab facility into my brother's home. In the meantime, he'd make arrangements for what is needed to keep her comfortable there.
There is now a third place considering her admission. I don't know if that will happen or not. In many ways it would be the ideal thing, but then again if her refusal for treatment includes rehab therapy, they might well pass on her admittance as well. And frankly, I don't see her cooperating with rehab therapy.
Regardless, plans are that she will go home with my brother, perhaps sooner rather than later, prepared or not. Definitely something must occur in the next day or two because they can't just keep her at the hospital indefinitely.
I have had to do what I ought to do every single time these battles begin: pray for God to do what is best. I have to believe that His result will be the best way, no matter what I might think! Every time I catch myself wondering what will happen next, I have to stop and remind myself, "God's got this. Let that worry go."
And then, if I'm really smart, I get up and do something around the house, anything, no matter how hard and difficult, to distract myself and incidentally get some of the 'must do' weights off my back. For the moment, that means my whole house is clean and the music room study is very nearly completely arranged at last and the shed got more paint spread on it this week, and the sticks in the backyard are picked up.
Thursday, October 22: I played hooky from the hospital today. Not that anyone need believe I go and stay for hours at a time. Mama just wants to rest, and she rests best when no one is in the room with her. I'd hoped she'd hear about the third situation and be transferred today, but no word from anyone on that score.
I succumbed to the iffy tummy woes I have at times (sometimes brought on by stress...imagine that) and the headache I can't quite seem to shake (pretty sure its allergy to defoliating sprays going on soybeans and cotton at present) and stayed home. I repotted the plants this morning, the ones I winter over indoors: orchids and Christmas cactus and Sansevieria. I soaked them all in soapy water and at least cleared out one tree frog, one Anole, and several stink bugs. I saw no slugs amongst any of the plants, and I did pot them fresh so there's some hope that this year I won't find slug trails in my kitchen or be hopped upon by random tree frogs.
Minor housework, washing dishes, potting plants...I also baked bread.
I do want to replace my stove sooner rather than later, as I determined today that should we have a power outage I'd rather like to have a working oven especially in the winter months. Not so much a concern in warmer weather but I do like to have an oven in winter. The weather forecaster keeps promising a 'warmer and wetter than usual winter', which opens us up to more tornado activity and that too will wipe out power, even if we don't take a direct hit. But again, it hardly seems like something to worry too hard over. I still have the stovetop and a gas grill and charcoal grill, which could all be easily employed if needed. My biggest concern quite honestly is that I have a means to heat water for coffee!
However, in the meantime, I have proven today that I can bake a very good loaf in my countertop oven. I've finally grasped the idea that whatever temperature I think I ought to follow, I need to reduce it by about 50-100 degrees. So, biscuits bake best at about 325F. My loaf of bread today baked for 30 minutes at 300F and it came out perfect, reading 200F internally per the thermometer when I took it out.
I spent the afternoon in the study writing a post for the other blog.
That has been my whole day. Not much of anything to show for it but it's been nice to be home. And honestly? One or two days without any drama or worry is mighty darned nice!
Friday, October 23: It's funny, but I realized this morning that yesterday John has been gone for seven months. No wonder I didn't feel well yesterday. I may not consciously remember it, but I've noticed that on some subconscious level, I am aware and often feel blue or blah, etc.
My niece let me know last night that they transferred Mama to a health care facility that offers rehab. It wasn't my family's first or second idea of where they wanted her placed but I had mentioned it as being a decent place from what I'd seen of it. It's where John used to play worship occasionally when the Outreach pastors who led that service had to be out of town.
I don't know how it will go. I found myself wondering if this or that had been taken care of this morning, and then I reminded myself that another has determined they will make the decisions and tend to things and legally has been given the rights to do so.
Why am I taking it up as my worry? Why not just let it go? In the end, I reminded myself that everything is out of my control. I can't make Mama want to do rehab, nor can I determine what outcome would be best, especially if it's a fight against the wills of multiple people. Again, I remind myself to step back, keep my hands off, and not bring drama or interference that isn't needed while others are making hard decisions that are in compliance with what Mama wants. I can let them have peace from this quarter at the least.
That may sound like a fatalist sort of attitude, but the truth is I see it more as a Biblical attitude. Today has enough worries for today...why borrow them from tomorrow? (paraphrase of Matthew 6:34). I do note that Jesus didn't say not to worry. He simply said that today's worries are enough for today. Well today there are no worries I need carry about that situation.
I'm concentrating on my home and what I can do each day to tend to things which I must tend to. I should be outdoors painting but I simply don't want to do it. However, I have done my housework. I noticed a minor home repair indoors that needed to be taken care of and did that. I might go outdoors later to do other minor jobs, but I can't say that I absolutely will.
I had a small portion of leftovers from the past two days in the fridge that I combined and heated for my lunch. I overheated them, unfortunately, and pretty much ruined them. I stood looking at the bowl of crispy, dry food and decided that this is one promise I will keep to myself: I will not eat food just to avoid waste, especially if that food is not tasty. I put it in the trash. I would rather the calories I put into my mouth at least taste good and give some pleasure. Why grimace as you force yourself to eat dried out and tough foods?
I have nothing for my memory journal for October 2026. I think I'm going to scroll through my written journal and this blog and try to compose a few pages from what I find there. This whole month feels more emotional than anything and that is best documented using artwork and clipped out words.
My plan for this weekend is to take the Trio of kids over to choose pumpkins. I thought we might pick up take out and go to the park for a picnic. On Sunday, I'll go to church and visit Mama (she's in that area) and maybe see if I can take Caleb to choose a pumpkin of his own.
The wind is being very blustery and changeable in direction. I think I'll go see which of the clothes I hung outdoors to dry need to be brought indoors. I've picked some of the thing up once already and had to rehang them. But I know the clothes hung outdoors will smell absolutely lovely and it's worth rehanging them if they can get the sun and fresh air on them.
This day, listening to laundry flap in the breeze outside my window, and sniffing deeply at the loaf of bread I baked yesterday, and changing the sheets on my bed, straightening a trunk that has gotten messy and overcrowded, has been lovely. It's restorative and restful and peaceful and as always has proven to be the very centering my mind seeks which immediately relaxes my shoulders and makes me breathe deeply and evenly. I was made to be a home body. I am most content in this space doing homey sorts of things. I am so grateful that this is the lot I chose and that life has made it possible for me to continue to be at home.
That's my journal for this week in the Blue House...How was yours?
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