Saturday, October 10: Hurricane Isaias didn't do much damage here. I woke frequently in the night and listened to the weather outdoors, but the rainfall was normal and the wind never really picked up much. I found a few dead limbs on the ground, but nothing fresh and green broke loose.
Bess drove into town this morning and came back saying the electricity was off and the stores all closed due to that. I suppose we lost power at some moment in the night because the TV had to reboot this morning when I turned it on, but I never knew it went off. A pro-longed outage generally triggers my fire alarms. A blip outage doesn't. I'm assuming we had a blip.
I finished the first Dove Pond book and started the next, A Cup of Silver Linings. I must say I found this second book difficult as it dealt with death and grief and I found myself boo-hooing periodically throughout it. Yes, difficult, though I could hardly stand to take a long break from the book. So, I would read until I couldn't take much more, then sob away and then pick it up again when I was in control once more.
I puttered about doing a bit of housework here and there. Not something I typically do on a Saturday, but there were just little things I wanted to do that I'd missed during the week while I was painting the shed.
I vacuumed my room again though I vacuumed it last night, because the piece of glass slipped form the tweezers as Bess was holding it up for me to see. I was pretty sure I'd gotten it up the night before, but you know it doesn't hurt to be double sure.
I also did the dishes in the sink each time I went into the kitchen, as well as putting away clothes I'd folded Friday evening. Nothing too onerous, but tasks that needed to be done. It made me feel better after having neglected so much housework this past week.
My meal today was something I've been craving for the longest while: Chili Cheese Dogs. Oh, my goodness. They were soooo good! So good that I had them for supper on Friday night and decided to have them for dinner again today. Then I packed up the remainders and put it in the freezer.
We weren't meant to get any more rain today, but it sure looks like rain outdoors right now...I shall not complain over that a bit. We didn't get so much last night that we can't use more.
Sunday, October 11: Sure enough, when I shut down the computer last night rain came pouring down. It rained until I went to bed and then stopped. So much for the weather channel's assurances that rain was all past.
I finished the second Dove Pond book this morning before leaving for church. Don't fret! I didn't let it make me late. I was dressed and ready so early that I had a good window of leisure before time to leave and reading those last 50 pages filled it.
I debated, truly debated, not going back to church. It's nothing to do with church and nothing to do with being church hurt, or unfed, or anything like that. It's more to do with being reclusive. It will hit me like that if I've spent too much time alone, to withdraw still further from society at large. But I determined that I need my church and the handful of people who know me there to keep me grounded, especially since I am just not that social overall.
I really enjoyed being back in church today. It was worth being there.
I've given up thinking this is just a cold. Since it continues to linger on, I'm taking allergy meds, which have actually helped with my hoarseness. I went by to see Katie today and though we hadn't planned to do so, we went out to eat (more on that in a moment) and we were comparing symptoms. We both still have a cough that continues to be productive, mild headache, hoarseness and a little stuffiness. 14 days and continuing. No kidding.
We had lunch out, as I said. I'd thought we'd just run by McDonald's, but Katie suggested a Mexican restaurant that is fairly reasonable. But as we pulled into the strip mall where it was located, I pointed at a Mediterranean/Indian place and said, "One day I'm going to try that." "Let's do it today! I've eaten there and it's good." It was indeed. They serve both Greek dishes and Indian foods. I was amused to realize that I'd eaten most of the Indian dishes they serve, one of which I make at home from scratch. But there was one dish I had never heard of, and I decided to try that.
It was a Chicken Bhuna. It was just lovely. Sort of a soupy mix with lots of tomatoes, peppers and onions in a creamy but light sauce. It was so comforting and delicious. It almost felt like I was eating a lovely bowl of soup, and you all know how much I like soup. Katie scooped the first spoonful of her Butter Chicken onto my plate and said, "Try that..." It was good. But truly I like the recipe that I make here at home a little better.
Lunch gave Katie and I a good moment to talk. She is a little better mentally at the moment, assured me she is taking her medicines and talking with her therapist routinely. I confessed my worry, my overall desire to 'fix' things for her and the struggle of fighting my desire and let her manage her mental health on her own. As always, she reassured me that there is nothing I can 'fix' for her, that it must be she and her therapist and doctor who work with her issues. I felt much better after talking with her. But it has been a rough go of it for her and for me.
While I was at the house, Caleb sat beside me and showed me his progress on the game I bought as his early birthday gift. Henry was playing with a toy in his big pen, and it kept going "Beep beep beep," and I'd say, "Beep beep beep," too. He'd repeat after me "Meee meee meee!" Later Cody came over to sit on the edge of the play pen (it's really a play yard, but I call it a pen. It's huge). Henry kept coming up to Cody hugging him.
We all three were watching him and Katie said "You know.... I just don't think he's as autistic as they said. He doesn't mind making eye contact, he loves to hug and he was focused on Mama and playing with her a few minutes ago." I happen to agree. Perhaps he does have a little slow speech development but no kidding, he doesn't remind me of how his sister or cousin (who are both autistic) acted at the same age at all.
Katie and I ran by Lowe's to look at gas stoves. Might as well not have bothered. The only non-ceramic ranges they had were the 'luxury' gas stoves that measure about 40 or 45 inches wide. And they cost about $3000 each. So, I guess I'm ordering my stove from online.
Next week I'm going to go get Caleb and have him spend the night. And the next day I'm having the kids from across the field come over. I thought I'd take the four to a late lunch at one of the burger places with a playground. Then we'll all take Caleb home and we'll come back here to have those three spend the night with me. I'd love to have them all at once, but I have one issue. Caleb or Josh always get a little hyper and they play off each other, and it gets a bit wild. I cannot handle them both in one night here. It will be quite enough to have them together for the day!
Today was a lovely day, weather wise. However, the doggone 90F days are returning this coming week. Ugh. I was sure Autumn had finally gotten here, but apparently, no. It just dropped by to remind us of what we were missing this year.
Monday, October 12: It turned out to be a lovely sunny day today. Not a painting day for me, which honestly, I hate to even consider doing, but it was not a day without accomplishment. My motto of last week is still operational. Today I did something. Today that consisted of picking up all the fallen limbs from our breezy hurricane day and stacking them off to the side of the yard. Then sorting out the shelving unit on the back porch, gathering what will go into the trash and what will be moved to the shed. I've let that shelving unit be a bugaboo long enough, thinking it was one of those tasks that would take forever. It's one trip across the yard, one to the trunk of the car and then call Sam to come get the shelf unit. And it will make my back porch look far nicer without all that mess stacked on the shelves! But for today, it's all sorted and looking neater. Not cleaned off yet, but better.
Then I came indoors and settled to working on my budget sheet. I realized that for the second month in a row, I had failed to record one of the bills that is auto paid. Not the same bill as last month and none of them dire but if I continue to forget something every month it could be an issue in the future! I obviously need to check and double and triple check my worksheet each month and be sure I have accounted for all that is outgoing, especially the auto pay items.
After that I made myself lunch and made too much, though I was using up leftovers from the freezer. It wasn't a lot too much, but it was more than I could eat. I must learn to make a smaller portion. I can always make more if I'm still hungry, but this was not the sort of thing I could save and eat later. It would be too compromised in taste and texture to reheat. Sigh. A little food waste and part of that food that I was trying hard not to waste.
Then after the pest control man left, I hauled things out of the music/study and finally laid out the new rug I bought back at the end of May. It's going to take a bit to relax and lie as flat as it should. Right now, the most curled edge is weighted down with heavy books and furnishings. I wanted to hang my new curtains, too, but I realized that the new curtain rods are the same sort I have in my bathroom and I LOATHE them. Too late to return it as that window closed months ago. I'll have to find a new rod, one that is different, before I can hang the new curtains.
Why, you might ask, can I not use the old rod? Because it isn't a rod! It's a wooden dowel that John stuck up on the wall with two electrical conduit clamps that are screwed into the wall. His reason for that, like the hooks and dowel in the guest/spare room was because the rods we had were continually being yanked out of the wall by the kids when they opened their curtains. Well now both rooms need a new rod at the window, and both shall get one.
In the meantime, I'm debating what I want the music/study to look like. I mean, what sort of desk do I want? How attached am I to the bookcases in the room? Should I plan to paint them or purchase something taller? I'm leaning towards taller. Where do I put the piano? And the music cabinet? Where do I want to hang the guitars that are on the wall now? Or do I want to pack them away? What sort of chair do I want in my reading space? The desk chair I purchased last fall (very low cost) is NOT a comfortable place to sit for an extended period of time. But until I get a new desk, there's not much point in getting a new chair.
And finally, I need storage. If I choose to replace the current lot of bookshelves, I could easily repurpose those as storage for craft and sewing supplies.
And then I have a whole stack of bins filled with tchotchkes of John's that I packed up. I need to make some decisions on those things. Do I pass them on or donate them? Does anyone even want them?
As with most things, what seems on the one hand to be an easy enough matter, redecorating a room, becomes a wrestling match of grief, guilt, and sadness that I don't necessarily want to face. Sigh. And that is what comes of facing a loss such as this. That continual wrangling of wondering if I am trying to erase him or simply to make my home function in a way that both honors his memory and feels right to me in the new life I must face.
After my mind had settled a bit, I went back to the music study and started trying to arrange things in a more pleasing way. A couple of things worked. A few things do not look at all nice. I reminded myself that I don't have to get it just right today, not that I'm likely to do so, especially since what I need isn't at hand at the moment, namely good storage and nicer looking furnishings. However, what is right about the room is pleasing to see.
I think the key to my productivity today was NOT turning on the television for background noise, which meant I wasn't tempted to sit down and watch a few programs before returning to work all over again. Nor did I read much more than a chapter today (Finding Dorothy). Admittedly the book I'm trying to finish is not lighthearted and is a bit too full of disillusionment to be an easy read, however hard I might find it to stay away from it entirely. It is one I definitely want to finish.
I'm reheating more leftovers for supper tonight. And tomorrow, I think I shall clear out my fridge, then settle on meals for the next couple of days for myself, and work on other projects, some outdoors and some indoors.
Tuesday, October 13: I was having a particularly hard time today and decided to let painting the shed go, especially as I was apparently going to get a very late start on it. It's warm outdoors again, too warm to be outdoors at noon in the sun working hard. I worked on another project, one here inside my home for a bit, and then feeling a deep case of blues and grief overwhelming me, I decided what I needed was to go outdoors and sit on the porch.
My reasoning was that in the past if I'd felt as I did today, I'd likely have gone to Granny's and sat quietly on the porch with her, just absorbing the peace of the world and her person. And I figured that at least, I could absorb the peace of the land, just as I did once upon a time.
It worked very well. After about half an hour, I could feel the peace soaking in.
And then I noticed how sadly neglected the patio and porch and Faith tree flower bed look. As in, the house practically looks abandoned from that side. I was a bit ashamed of it, if I do say so. And in the spirit of do something, I set myself the task of blowing off the front porch, removing the empty plant pots, and arranging the furniture. It's not pretty. But it is cleaner and looks neater.
I even pushed beyond the porch and managed to do minor things on the patio that made it look a little less neglected. Not nice, but better. And then I was hot and sweaty and decided that I'd done what I meant to do.
I came indoors to cool off. My brother called, which he never does...Mama had fallen. They hadn't called an ambulance or taken her to the hospital. My brother reminded me he works in town and he can drop by to check on her, but he confessed he thought it time we started looking for nursing home placement for her. I agree. Will Mama agree?
It's true that she often mentions that she has been thinking perhaps she ought to go, but saying is one thing and reality is another. I have not forgotten my promise to John, and I will not break it. It does change everything for me. Not only must I put my plans for travel on hold, but I must try to arrange my life around a schedule that includes being gone from my home three days each week. And that means that projects like painting the shed or working on the music/study may not move forward.
Personal relationship aside, this season was coming along at some point, as I knew too well. We will place Mama in a nursing home sooner rather than later, I am sure, but in the meantime, we will do what we can to make sure she is safe.
Wednesday, October 14: Today was not great. It was proof that you can pray, you can read your Bible, you can tell yourself all the ways you are covered by grace and you still can screw up badly and end up saying something awful without thinking and find yourself apologizing repeatedly to innocent people who got hurt by your big mouth because you let another person trigger you and allowed anger to rule for a moment. The shame of that is with me and no matter how often I've apologized today, nor cried privately, I really flubbed it.
My part in the day's hits aside, it wasn't great on many other levels as well, which had nothing to do with me or my issues.
I had to have another lesson driven home super hard to me today and the realization didn't so much shake my world as make it come to a screeching halt and make me say, "Right. I see now." Because I was forced to see truth in a way that I've never looked at it before. Yes, about myself, and about others.
I could tell you the things said and done, both by myself and others and the whole machination of realities that hit, but I'm not going to. I know, I have known, I've always known that my feelings on the matter of family have been honest and truthful and whatever I do, say, am, come to be, will never ever make me be seen differently and I only lowered myself to the standard they always thought I held anyway.
Mama, after a good deal of fussing and such ended up at the hospital today which is where she needed to be. And yes, it was I who insisted she go. It made her angry and other family angry. I refuse to apologize for pushing, even fighting, to have her go to hospital. When they did the mental acuity test she answered three out of 5 questions wrong.
A full body scan was done. She did not have serious injury from her fall, though she had bruising. What was more concerning was her severe muscle weakness which seems to indicate that she hasn't been moving about at all, not even in her wheelchair, and her state of dehydration and the fact that she had developed a UTI which caused some of the altered mental status. While it's true, as was pointed out to me, that she has had mental issues anyway, I know from my past work in the medical field that UTIs can screw mental status up. The second concern is that if left untreated it would become a sepsis infection which is not something anyone wants to mess with especially in an 89-year-old who is already in a weakened state.
It was made clear to me today that I have no say in any future decisions or choices. My brother has the Power of Attorney and ultimately that pretty much says it all. And that's fine. I have total and complete peace with that. I am not so egotistical that I think only I could possibly choose rightly for what is best for my mother. Not that at any point, she would ever admit that any choice/decision I made was good or right.
My children kindly allowed me to dump my hurt of the day in their laps and then they offered me the option this evening of not having their kids and being free to go to the hospital, etc., but I thanked them and told them that I thought what was in my personal best interest would be the time I spent with these grandchildren whom I deeply enjoy. And that's where this day landed.
In light of today as a whole, I will not be returning to the hospital tomorrow. Instead, I went and got Caleb this evening as promised, and tomorrow I will have Sam's three who will spend the night with me tomorrow night. And on Friday, after every child is home where they belong, I will go back to see Mama, whether she is in the hospital or at her apartment. From there I play it by ear, but not as a caregiver.
I know that Caleb will wake very early in the morning. And while I have given him a thorough list of what he MAY do and what he may NOT do, I have promised him I will absolutely get out of bed at 7:30 and until then I do not want to see or hear him in any room of the house. However, clear I may be, the last visit he was in the living room by 4:30 am...
I am going to go off to bed and prayerfully ask that sleep tonight be immediate for me, just in case.
Friday: It's been a long time since Wednesday... Or at least it feels like a long time.
I have been through my own personal mental gyrations in which hurt, anger, fear and what sounds like jealousy even to my practiced ear of listening to my own railings goes. I have taken to heart things said to me by my brother which unfortunately held just enough truth to halt me midway in my desire to rail and to prayerfully and fully consider what he said. I am not saying everything he said was right. He made some judgmental statements that are wrong. But I am saying, I recognize truth in criticism and there was some truth in some of what he said. I pondered only on the truths I saw.
I feared what Mama's care would become because at present I am not aware that any arrangements for hospital aftercare are even in the works. My greatest fear, and I admit this without shame, was twofold. That she would go home without the sort of care she needs. I have reason to fear neglect of her from my experience with how other family members were allowed to be even though they were physically unable and mentally altered enough to not be able to provide their own self-care.
I also had good reason to fear that if home care occurred and I walked into the door of that apartment it would shut behind me, and I'd never get out again. That too has happened to me in the past when I stepped in to try and give the care that was needed to those who were unable to provide their own care. I was left alone to carry it all. Frankly, I am not physically able to provide that sort of care anymore. Honestly, I am not capable of it emotionally, mentally, or spiritually with Mama. I hate saying that but it's truth.
Mama is not in dire ill health. She does have issues. And it is obvious that self-care is beyond her at this time. Due to her age, it is unlikely that it will ever be fully within her ability again. That said, aside from a UTI she is incredibly healthy. She might well last to 100 or beyond.
While the grandchildren were here, acting wild and free and loving every minute of their time, I spent a lot of time pondering and praying aside from just fear mongering. This morning, I had a brief conversation with a dear friend, an honest one, and when I said, "Golly I wish John was here!", she said very quietly, "Terri, John left you instructions and asked a promise of you before he died. He asked you twice that day to make that promise. You know what he would tell you to do." I started crying. I admitted to her my fear and dread of what I might face if I stepped in and what might happen if I walked away and let it play out without my control, without my 'help' without my whatever higher sense of rightness I think I might have.
I looked at the hard facts. I have worries that I might fall and can't get up myself. And I've been pushing myself to do things to help not only keep my strength up but build more strength. However, I am not there yet. I cannot help Mama physically. I can't.
I do not want to give up my life for her. To my ear that sounds hard and harsh. I'm being honest. I've given and given over the years, I've cared for her many times following illnesses and surgeries, and as she began to age, and we do not have a loving relationship despite that. She dislikes me and delights in telling me how much she dislikes me. And over time, I have come to dislike her. I cannot see my attitude helping her any in this life.
When I got to the hospital today, with fear and dread twisting in my stomach and a headache pounding in my temples, I saw my brother in the hallway. And I walked up and said very calmly and quietly "You're in charge. I can't help her physically. No one needs to be torn wondering if they are making anyone else happy as they are making decisions in circumstances that are just hard. I trust you to do your best."
And I meant it.
The peace that fell over me was unreal. Not because I was walking away from responsibility, but because I was letting go of my desire to control circumstances that were NOT in my control. I texted my friend this afternoon and said, "It was scary and hard, but I did it."
And then I pondered that for a bit. Because honestly, this was NOT as hard as determining that I had to walk away from my first marriage. Nor was it as hard as the realization that my family, the genetic pool from which I came, do not care for me. Nor was it as hard as watching my children struggle through divorces, mental health issues and sorrows I haven't even experienced. Nor was it as hard as telling my husband goodbye that last day of his life and leaving him behind. But on the life scale of hard things, it was hard.
All of that aside there were good things this week. Number one, first and foremost was that I was able to get a new battery for the Honda. It's not yet installed but I have it. And I had the grandchildren and really enjoyed them. I had one on one time with Caleb who was so pleased to be here and I'm sure much to Katie's surprise for the first time ever passed on calling his Mama to say good night. He's growing up...
And he and Millie had a grand time playing together, with Isaac joining in here and there and Josh even agreeing to play hide and seek with them. Which is kinda major from a 12-year-old kid who isn't sure he wants to go trick or treating or not this year because he might be 'a little grown-up'.
Last night as we got in the car, Millie whined about a dead bug on the floor and Caleb who is as afraid as she is, manned up, grabbed a napkin and picked it up, flung the bug out of the door and screeched as he did it, lol.
The car threw up a Maintenance Required light before I'd gotten halfway to Katie's. I was going to the mechanic shop instead of her house, but she convinced me to come to her place, and Cody was able to source the issue, resolved it, cleared the code and sent me home with a working vehicle. It cost me, lol, but it wasn't horrible and thank goodness Cody is a qualified mechanic able to do a good job for less than the service I typically use.
And this morning, I had unexpected one on one time with Josh. I found out things about him that I didn't know. And I'm glad he shared them with me. He's very private like his Dad. So I don't take his confidences lightly.
I love all my grandchildren dearly, but there is something special for me about Josh and Caleb and I'm unashamed to admit it. It's not that I favor them because I do truly delight in each grandchild and their individual selves, but there is a bond between those two boys and myself, I can't explain.
So that is the good, the bad, the heat of October in the 90s... It was a week.
No comments:
Post a Comment