Journal for the Second Week of November: Love and Prayers

 

Nov. 9, Saturday:  Today has been such a day of mixed feelings of all sorts.

We left home very early, before 8am so that we could head to church for a special Veteran's Day recognition breakfast.  In a military base town, there are a copious number of veterans in the churches, and ours is no exception.  They had a limited capacity of 234 people, and I'd say that probably 224 seats were filled.  

It was a beautifully done honors day for our veterans.  And yes, John is a veteran.  The program was about an hour and a half long and included a very nice breakfast.  It is always moving when the music begins to play the anthems of each branch and those who served in that branch rise to acknowledge the music.  

We left there and went to pick up a prescription for me.  While we were in line, I made two phone calls regarding prescriptions that will need to be refilled soon.  I think it was ironic that there I was at the pharmacy and on the phone with the doctor and pharmacy answering service... 

And then we headed to Katie's because today was the day to celebrate Caleb's 5th birthday.  He kept telling us he was having a birthday dance party, lol.  There was music playing but we'd have all had to slow dance together to get moving to that.  Cody had been sent out for napkins and came home with a package of balloons.   

The balloons kept popping when not one child was anywhere near them.  After the third or fourth balloon suddenly popped, I quietly turned to Katie and said, "What do you want to do?"  She got up and put all the balloons outdoors and then told the kids, "Put on your shoes, go outdoors and have fun!"  They stomped balloons until there were no more.  And they thoroughly enjoyed them!'

Katie kept the menu simple. Caleb wanted hot dogs and chips.  He wanted a "Chockwit" cake, and Katie had gotten a decorated cake for him.  I didn't have my phone indoors with me, having left it in the car, but I shall never forget his little face with eyes glowing as he gazed on his cake, and we all sang "Happy Birthday".  Katie was behind him so didn't get the photo either.  I'm glad for memory which allows some moments to become internal snapshots.

He surprised me tremendously as gifts were handed to him, he was told who gave him each one.  And he turned to say, "Thank you" before he'd even opened it.  He was so pleased with every single thing and happily shared his new toys with the others.  I see the makings of a fine boy in that little one.

On the way home this afternoon we had a long discussion about end of life.  It wasn't a random conversation.  We have watched a vlogger for the past several years.  He went through cancer treatment a year or so ago and recovered.   But this past summer the cancer returned with a vengeance.  He passed away at the end of this week.   We've watched a friend of ours go through the trials of cancer returning.  Wendy contacted me to say that Laine of Laine's Letters had passed away this week...and a friend wrote a quick note to update me on her husband's current medical condition.  It's not good.  My heart aches for the families of all.  Pray for them all, please.

Meals: Veteran's Celebration Breakfast (Bacon, Grits, Sausage, Pancakes, Fruit Salad, Cookies)

Hot Dogs and Chips, Birthday cake

Fried Pork Chops and Homemade Biscuits

Nov. 10, Sunday:  We decided to go to the later service again today.  I laughingly told John at 9:30 when we were both dressed to go that this seems to be the one service we can get to on time.  We don't need to leave the house until 10am.  I put the extra half hour to good use and cleaned up the dishes I'd left in the sink last night and hung up the clothes I didn't put away Saturday afternoon.

It was chilly when we walked outdoors and started raining again.  It's been light drizzles and fog all day today.  

We enjoyed talking with quite a few folks at church and then headed across to Publix.  I could have pushed off going to the grocery one more time but told John the truth, I wanted a piece of fried chicken.  

He said, "Well you can buy 8 pieces cheaper..."  He's quite right but then I have 6 pieces leftover and no desire to face them.  I picked up a few other items.  Two were on my list to get.  The rest were not.  I told John I planned to splurge a little and I did.

I got Gorgonzola cheese to make dressing.  I can buy a package of crumbled cheese these days and make my own dressing for far less than they are charging at the grocery store for any name brand refrigerated dressing.    I bought limes and potatoes, bananas, Brussels Sprouts, cranberries and dried cranberries.  

I got one package of fresh butternut ravioli and half and half.  I took advantage of the buy one get one for cheese and got a block of pepper jack and another of Vermont Sharp Cheddar.  I bought some Parmesan to go on top of our spaghetti this week.  

And I bought a big package of hot dogs because, as John pointed out, if we have PB&J, hot dogs and chicken nuggets we are assured the children will eat when we have them at the house.  I added, "Yes and Mozzarella and Pepperoni so they can have pizza!"  

We did NOT buy soda, bag of chips or any type of snack or sweet.  Everything in the buggy was quality food.  Sad to say that for all we spent, we truly didn't begin to touch what we might have used for a week...

All of that purchased, we headed home. On the way, John extracted a promise that I would bake an apple pie this week, lol.  I happen to have the apples on hand, purposely bought the extra cheese bar thinking of apple pie, and was planning to bake one, so I felt safe in promising I'd get it done for him.   Years ago, I had a Pineapple Pie recipe that was sweet, but it had a cheddar crust and that was so very good!  It was from a mid-1950s magazine.  I'd sort of like to do the same crust with an apple pie, but John specifically mentioned wanting a wedge of cheese on top of his pie.

At home, I put away the groceries and reheated the chicken.  We had a nice lunch, snugged up in our chairs.  It was still cooler and miserable outdoors, so we appreciated the coziness of having coffee.  I put on a long-sleeved terry t-shirt and leggings.  That just added to the coziness of the afternoon.

We heard two car doors shut, and I went to answer the door.  I found Sam on the porch looking like he'd been crying.  Then I saw Bess's face and my heart slowed for a minute.  Was one of the children hurt?  Had someone in the family died? I asked what was wrong and Bess told me, "Muffin died a few minutes ago."  Dear old Muffin was 18 or so years old.  I took Sam in my arms and let him have a moment to cry.  Muffin thought he was a grandchild and anytime we visited Sam, Muffin came in to visit and sit next to us.  He was such a sweet orange cat.  He knew I was allergic to him and was always polite about not getting up in my face or drooling on me but if I ignored him, he'd yowl at me or more often than not, sit down on the couch near me and thump me with his tail, lol until I acknowledged him.  We all knew he was going downhill this year, and I suspected he'd gotten quite deaf because he tended to 'talk' louder.  God Bless the pets we love!

Meals:  Ham and Cheese Omelet, Toast

Fried Chicken, Macaroni Salad, Potato Logs, Fresh Pineapple.  John loves macaroni salad.  Me, not so much.  I bought the potato logs for me but shared them with John.

Ham and Cream Cheese Bagels

November 11, Monday:  Happy Veteran's Day!  

We have fully celebrated this day twice this past weekend and have no desire to do so today.  However, I did make good on John's request for an apple pie.  We've just had a piece, still warm from the oven.  And it's delicious as always.  I will say that yet again I note that the amount of juice in the bottom of the pan is not thickened by the flour called for in the recipe and I think in the future, I shall use cornstarch, which I think is a better thickening agent than flour.  

It was a productive morning, with the home blessing completed before lunch and the pie going into the oven shortly after lunch.  Someone asked for the recipe for the pie crust and I'd meant to share it before now.

Short and Tender Pie Crust

1 3/4 cup flour

1 tbsp. sugar

1/2 tsp. salt

1/2 cup shortening

3-4 tablespoons cold water

Put flour, sugar and salt in mixing bowl and blend for a moment.  Add shortening and the moment it looks like pea sized crumbs start to add water.  I find it's best to add 3 tbsp first and then for the fourth tablespoon of water I add it in increments.  Today, due to the dry air indoors, I needed to use about 4 1/2 tablespoons water.  The mixture will still be crumbly but if pressed it will easily clump together.

Roll out on a lightly floured surface to the size required.  I used a 10-inch pie pan.  

This is a single pie crust.  Double recipe if you need a top crust.

There you are!  It's the one recipe that consistently turns out well for me and is my go-to whenever I need a pie crust for sweet or savory dishes.

I watched a Jamerrill Stewart video this morning.  She has started a new channel that is about her personal journey for finding hope and joy in her life in a season of trials.  I've mentioned that I started trying to find my way once more to Gratitude and practicing self-care but also learning to do what gives me pleasure, like reading.   She said something that has really resonated with me and that is that if something positive you are incorporating in your life becomes a stressor then drop it.  Maybe now is not the time to add it in.  

I can appreciate that advice.  There are many things I want very much to do, fun things, things I'd really enjoy, things I think would benefit me, but if a season of life is especially busy, it's hard to do those fun things.  It's merely enough in those times to do our best to get the rest we need and eat properly.  We have to remember that is self-care in the first degree. 

I think that self-care does not come naturally to most of us.  And I confess it's really hard when you've got small ones or ailing people dependent upon you.  We are, most of us, naturally keyed to take care of others.  And often enough that means sacrificing ourselves for others.  How often do you put aside your weariness to take care of another?  How often have you plodded on when you yourself were ill because someone in the family was sick and needed care? 

Housework will wait.  Homecooked meals are my favorite but in a demanding season, buy the frozen lasagna or chicken tenders and a bagged salad!  I always had a hard time doing those things because I'd think, "But the money..."  And maybe money was an issue.  So, I'd let housework go instead of the home cooked meals.  Something has to give somewhere.  Choose the least painful place to give in and do it consistently.  

In seasons of less stress, do the pleasurable things.  How often have you given another their favorite meal or treat while you yourself went without your own favorites?  I'm by no means saying that this is the 'ultimate' sacrifice, or even a big one.  I make Oatmeal cookies only once a year...but I make chocolate chip cookies several times throughout the year.  Once a year!  How many times do I eat chocolate ice cream rather than the strawberry I prefer?  John has bought me strawberry ice cream or strawberries, far more often than I've bought them myself.  He's mindful of the fact that I often bypass treats in favor of him having what he enjoys. 

Meals:  Toasted Biscuits

Meatloaf Sandwiches, Chips, Macaroni Salad.  I was going to eat the rest of the corn relish but that had gotten very bitter.  This is something I notice more with celery seeds than with any other product.  You really have to be careful not to use too much because it gets more and more bitter the longer the recipe sits.

Broccoli Chicken and Cheese Rice, Green Peas, Green Salad.

Nov. 12, Tuesday:  John is not happy at the moment.  In order to get a refill on my prescriptions, I must go to the doctor.  I have enough medication to last me until Saturday.  So I'm going to the doctor later this week.  The nurse asked if John needed an appointment, too.  I told her I was sure he was due, but we'd wait until next month to do his visit.  Our doctor does not file insurance of any sort.  It's a cash patient service.  That's quite all right since our deductible is higher than his office visit fee.  

When I was off the phone, he said, "Well I guess we'll just tell the kids we had to go to the doctor so Merry Christmas!"  He can fuss if he wants...I wish we were on a different schedule, but we aren't.  This is how it works.  Happy House Insurance, Happy Doctor Visits, Merry Christmas and Merry Property Taxes.  

I have gotten nothing done today and it was by choice.  I've puttered but nothing major has gotten done.  I just don't have ambitions of any sort.   Tomorrow, I have to pay bills and figure out where the doctor fee is coming from..., then I will run into our local town to run errands.  

I need to get a turkey breast because John wants his Turkey sandwiches for Thanksgiving at the end of the month, but I really don't have to buy other grocery items, though it would be nice to stock up on those things I'm out of...Still, paying the doctor and getting prescriptions refilled is the more needful thing so I'll focus on that right now.  

Meals:  Cheese Grits, Toast

Buffalo Chicken Wraps

Spaghetti with Meat Sauce, Garlic Bread, Steamed Broccoli

Nov. 13, Wednesday:  Another lovely sunny day, one with cool autumn breezes.  I'm back in my cool weather home clothes.  Frankly I'm tired of wearing the warmer weather stuff.   I'm ready for a full seasonal change/break now.  

I am currently postponing a task that I know I really need to do but somehow, I just don't want to face it.  Mostly because I have been facing it and it isn't working no matter how I try.  But John...  To be honest I realized last night that his reluctance to deal with this is part of his reluctance to change.  So when he brought it up last night after 11pm (NOT the best time to discuss weighty matters), I could tell he's trying to figure out a way to keep things as they are.  I reminded him of facts yet again.  

Up early this morning to work on payday stuff.  If John thinks I'm still asleep, I can get a bit of quiet time alone to concentrate.  I got the rest of that work done this morning and realized afresh the need to examine and re-examine and see what can be done.  And then I started getting resentful.

Later he showed me a gadget I'd seen earlier in the month, one I thought would be quite handy, until I recalled that we aren't going to participate in gift gifting and therefore the piece would be completely useless.  "We should order it!"  "I know it's neat.  I looked at it earlier this month.  But we're not giving gifts this year, remember?"  "We should order it just because it's so neat!"  "Nope!  It's another useless bit of something to have to find a place for and we don't need it.  I'm not ordering it!  YOU SAID we weren't giving gifts...it's to be a cash only basis from now on."  He walked away looking a little sad.    

That just added to my own dissatisfaction with all things this morning...So of course, Mama had to call and begin the annual "What do you want to do about Thanksgiving" conversation.  Broke the news to her that John didn't want to go to her house or have guests so I was out for the holiday.  She was upset and was half crying when she got off the phone.  I made it plain it wasn't about her, it was about trying to give John what he wanted for a change, but nevertheless she was not happy.  

I mulled over my guilt/relief at not going.  Last year the food Mama made was just about inedible.  Thankfully I'd taken stuff over I'd cooked as well.  But it wasn't the food that was off-putting.  It was sitting at the table with my brother utterly unable to speak a single word to me, and only grudgingly speaking to John.  Mama, of course, could only talk to Tony and follow his lead and addressed little to me except to tell me how to fix her plate or what to do with leftovers.  John was pretty well pissed off when we left, not at their treatment of him, but because I'd been treated as though I were invisible the whole while we were at the table together.  I suspect that he's real reason for not wanting to go.

And I might add that if we go to Mama's none of the kids will go so it's just Mama and my brother who are there.  Frankly, after 65 years I've had enough Thanksgiving meals with my mom and brother to suit me.  I hate the gut-wrenching knowledge each year that the holidays are with us, and I now must negotiate various battle fields with mines planted everywhere.  It's not fun.  It's not joyful.  It's just depressing as hell.

Anyway, before the morning was over, I was feeling weepy and snippy and more than a bit sorry for myself.    I got on some makeup, changed my clothes and headed into town to tend to the errands.  I decided on the way that if do all this groundwork and still cannot find a way to keep things exactly the same, I shall hand it all off to John and tell him, "Here it is.  You figure out what we cut and where it's coming from.  I'm done."  

Honestly being outdoors helped a lot.  The air was so fresh and clean.  I picked up mail from our box as I went out and found we had one bill...but I'd already paid that.  So we're done until the very end of the month.  In town I dropped off my package and picked up Christmas stamps.  I like to mail out cards and I plan to do so this year.  I like to have Christmas stamps to put on those cards and yes, on my bills as well as they go.  I think how someone is opening all that mail and might enjoy seeing Christmas stamps.

Then I went into the local dollar store and bought five birthday cards for the great grandchildren (two birthdays are past and one is coming up in early December) and the twin grands who are about to have their 12th birthdays.  I just remembered I'd forgotten my other early December kiddo who has a birthday.  Doggone it!

Being out of the house and away from things helped my mind settle down and righted my perspective.  It was just what I needed.  

Back home once more, I changed back into at home clothes and then started lunch and bread going.  Now I am going to gird myself and go off to the bedroom to stare at facts and figures and try to refit this puzzle so that it works better all around.  Wish me luck!

Meals:  Cereal and Peanut Butter Toast.  This was John's request last night and I agreed.  It was chilly this morning and I'm not prone to want a cold breakfast, but cereal is something John enjoys as much as sandwiches, so I try to accommodate him.

Nachos with Canned Chili.  Truth, I am not fond of the Wolf brand chili.   I find it almost as bitter as I found the hot dog sauce I bought from Wolf.  I won't buy more.  Truly I should break down and can my own chili. 

Beef Stew, Corn Muffins.  I didn't follow my own recipe.  I did things a little differently.  When I went to the cabinet to get the tomato soup out, I saw jar of Beef Gravy I'd bought last year at the holidays.  I added both to the stew.  I put the stew in the slow cooker this morning. It tastes good! (I had to taste test it...right?) It will cook all afternoon long and hopefully will be comforting, warming and delicious come evening.   

later:  I worked on the facts and figures and was I shocked when I added up the OOP costs of Over the counter and prescription drugs this past year.  I didn't set aside nearly enough money each month for that!  Another reason why we were always strained.  And by the way, I'd noted that our costs increased a good bit over the year although our prescriptions haven't changed in the least.  Another bite missing from the whole. Sigh.

Thursday:  I do not even know who I am at the moment.  I got up this morning and made the bed and that was it.  Then I polished my fingernails and watched shorts of various Big Bang Theory episodes and wasted time.  

To be fair, John had said we'd go to the bank and pick up prescriptions today and I was waiting on him.  I forget that these days if we leave home before 12Noon we're on top of things.  It used to be that he'd be ready to go by 9AM and we'd be home by 12.  When he suggested that we'd do our errands and then head home, I told him he'd forgotten lunch.  "Don't you have food?"  "Of course, I do!  But it's not cooked food and you're going to be a bear by the time errands are done.  So plan to get lunch or wait until after lunch to leave home."  He decided we'd go out to lunch.  

It started raining about the time he got ready to leave.  I don't mind going out in the rain but it was chilly, so I had on a sweater as well as my raincoat.  I don't mind going out because I know I am going to come home and get into cozy clothing (as I have done).  I'm even wearing socks, and I had a nice hot cup of tea.

I noted to myself yet again that it seems like every time we leave home to run errands it ends up running right around $100...That doesn't mean we do the same errands every single time it's just that our combination of errands almost always cost us that amount.  Last time we went out, I went into the grocery, we bought gas for the car, and we did something else.  $100.  Today we picked up prescriptions, stopped at the post office (Zowie on Priority postage!) and bought lunch.  Lunch was the cheapest thing of all.  We will at least get two meals off that as we brought leftovers home.  $100.  It could have been worse.  I had a doctor's appointment today that was cancelled late yesterday evening, because the doctor is sick.

It is a good reminder to myself that I don't need to leave home that often!

Yesterday I got all my facts and figures for the year together.  I go through my check register and add up all the electric, gasoline, personal care items, prescription and over the counter items, etc. cost.  It gives me an idea of what I should plan to spend in the year ahead.  I will say that gasoline and electricity seem to hang right in there year after year.  What I did NOT add up this year was grocery costs.  I just didn't feel I was up to the shock of that figure.  But if I'm to be fully informed, I do need to get past my fear of how it might look so that I can plan for the year ahead in a reasonable way.

I suppose in order to put this thing to rest I ought to go do just that...Sigh.  Dragging feet and whining internally, "I don't wanna!"  Big girl time...

Meals:  Toast and Coffee

Mexican Restaurant.  Brought home half our meals.

Hot Dogs and Pork n Beans.  That sounds like a comfort meal to me this evening.  And it's easy.

Did what I needed to do.  Why did I dread it so?  Per facts and figures, I spent $500 a month on groceries which is exactly what I keep coming back to for our budget because any less just doesn't cover enough for us these days.  For all the money spent, I am making more and more at home, from scratch.  We have cut down on so many things or cut them out entirely.  I am not replenishing my pantry at the same rate as I did a year ago.  Well I won't be cutting my budget any lower in the coming year.  

Friday:  I got triggered hard yesterday afternoon.  Now I am not telling tales out of school here.   Nor am I trying to make anyone look bad.  Just hear me out.  I got a call about 4:10pm telling me that I needed to pick Caleb up from school.

Two immediate thoughts.  First, I was so confused because it was like a repeat of all the many times the nursery used to call me to say, "You need to come get him..." and then it sank in that it was school.  The lady on the phone said she'd called Katie, but no one had answered nor had Cody.  Well, I knew Cody was driving a bus.  As for Katie, I could easily see three scenarios (a) she had to deal with a complete blow-out of Henry's bottom just as she was leaving the house.  Heaven knows that has happened to me more than once! (b) She couldn't leave in the middle of a class session online.  (c) She lost track of time.  It happens.  So, I'm not faulting Katie.

I called and she was headed out the door at that moment.  She sounded a little defensive and I get that.  No one wants Mama calling reminding them they have a child to pick up.  

I know in my heart of hearts that Caleb is five and he will NOT be left at school alone.   A teacher was with him and would stay with him until an adult arrived.  Katie lives only a block or so from the school.  I knew she'd have him within a minute or two.

Why was I triggered afterward with a rush of anxiety?  No flipping kidding I was a child all over again who had been forgotten...It happened occasionally.  I've shared that before.   It was always scary and deeply hurtful.  While I don't recall being left as a smaller child, I was responsible for keeping my siblings when I was just 7.  And frankly there is no such alone feeling as the feeling a child has at that age when she's being told "You're responsible."  But it goes deeper than that.  It goes back to the times Mama would literally drive right by me at school, completely forgetting that I was standing in the waiting area.  

I was older than Caleb and often when I was left alone and had to walk to Mama's workplace which meant walking along a busy highway outside of town.  It was a couple of miles from the last school I attended.  I wasn't a small child.  I was in my teens.  But never mind all the facts, there I was a scared and forgotten child all over again.  

And how do I know it impacted me in a traumatic manner?  Because even as a grown adult, when Mama and I went out together I felt the pressing need to keep her within my eyesight at all times.  I was totally convinced right into my 50's that she could walk out of a store and forget me all over again.    Yes, I am a grown woman, but my gut wrenched hard yesterday afternoon when I got that call.

It wasn't Katie's fault, nor the teacher's fault.  It isn't my fault.  

It's just something buried that bubbled up after being pushed down hard for too many years. What I have to figure out now is how to deal with this, so it doesn't happen again...and that's something I don't know how to do.  Except to pray and pray about it. 

I've had a busy morning this sunny day.  House blessing Friday, bagel making, clearing the fridge, puttering, planning meals for next week...I'm getting ahead of my usual routine in some areas, but I am in the mood to do it, and so I have.  

It's a busy weekend in our home this weekend.  I always both look forward to and dread this weekend each month.  Well next month it will be less of a task as small groups will cease meeting until after the New Year.

Wow...Doesn't just saying that make you pause a moment?  A New Year is bearing down upon us!  

How did your week go?  Do you have plans for the weekend?  Please remember to pray for our sister in the community who is facing tough things over the next month or so.  

See you next week!

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