Coffee Chat: Reverse

Come in, come in and just pop your umbrella there in the corner atop that towel.  It's been raining steadily since Monday afternoon...And no, it wasn't meant to rain but there it is. It said plainly we'd have a sunny week but I've yet to see any sun.  The sky has lightened up a bit but it hasn't stopped raining and then the sky darkens all over again.  John got a little blue yesterday.  He's been longing to get outdoors and mow but  it would rain. And rain.  And rain.



Coffee or hot tea?  Or cocoa...There's that, too.  But not  a thing sweet I'm afraid.  Tomorrow, I plan to make banana pound cakes.  I'd planned to make today an impromptu baking day but then I royally messed up and not only scorched the milk for English muffins but boiled the pan dry as well and then I boiled over the baking soda I'd put in to simmer so I could scrape that off and I figured, after cleaning the stove top twice and scrubbing out my pot that today was not the day.  Perhaps tomorrow, but not today.

Remember that old rhyme, "March winds and April Showers..."?   Well it's been March showers (as well as February and January and December...).  There's been loads of rain.   The heart shaped puddle in the driveway remains most days, though now and then it's smaller and other days it overflows and becomes part of a stream.

All of this rain has reminded me of being underwater, an easy thing to feel when you are stuck indoors and your ears are have been packed with fluid.  I have thought of Noah's wife many times of late, lol.    Which isn't funny when you consider that she had never seen rain and seldom seen more than a small cistern of water but suddenly there it was and the earth was covered and everything gone.   It must have been hard to believe that she wasn't going to be forever upon that boat with a load of animals and children and I do hope she wasn't the sort that needed a bit of time alone!  I wonder if she held her temper amid it all and her faith to as far as that goes...

Speaking of Noah's Ark,  John and I watched the neatest thing on YouTube a couple of weeks ago.   A couple visited a Noah's Ark replica in Ohio.   It was fascinating!  There are loads of Youtube videos to choose from in which you might see this exhibit.  It is built to scale and it's HUGE.  This was no small time boat!   I guess I've just always assumed it was a smaller vessel even though I knew the number of animals upon it would make space necessary.  Still, it wasn't one of those things I'd ever seen done to scale just the whimsical childish drawings with a few animal faces peering over the top and that was about it.  I found the size of the ark fascinating and the interior included living and sleeping spaces for the folks, food storage for people and cages for animals, etc.  It just gave the neatest perspective on The Ark.  I won't link any particular video here for you to watch but if you type in Noah's Ark, Ohio you'll find a bevy of  videos.  It's well worth seeing, I promise you!

I have been struggling with three things these past few weeks.  Number one is the weather and the problems with allergies which affect my ears.  I have tried to follow the doctor's suggestions taking a mega high dose of Vitamin C daily but I cannot quite go to the level he suggested.   He wanted me to try for closer to 18,000mg per day.   Still I am  taking 3000 mg 4 times a day.  My ears just ring a bit now and only feel full of fluid in the first part of the morning, so I have decreased the decongestant to first thing in the morning and last thing at night.  I use the basil oil and Dr King's Southern Regional Allergy throat spray.   I've stopped using the colloidal silver now that the problem is much decreased.  I  decided that with all the rain and all the indoors time over the past three months, I'd increase Vitamin D3 once again, especially since I've decreased my milk intake and with John home we never seem to eat fish which he dislikes (except tuna and we're not eating nearly enough of that).  If we've had occasion to go out anywhere, I've used a petroleum based product in my nose, which helps to prevent the inhalation of allergens somewhat.  This past week at least, I have genuinely felt better.    But with the rain and the ears overall, there is that 'underwater' feeling I mentioned and it's affected me mentally.   So I've done what I can with this part of the struggle.

Then there is an old long dwelling issue with a family member that continues to plague me.  I  tried to listen to a few videos a week on the subject of narcissism but did not want to listen to them all of the time simply because I really don't want to begin to feel overwhelmed.  However, completely my fault, I backed off from watching videos and doing any reading on coping with such a relationship entirely and so I got floored when I recently reconnected with this individual.  I am genuinely disturbed by the manifestations of this condition and the many layers of sickness it entails.  Having spent a few weeks away from the person due to the ailment with my ears, it was like being exposed to something horribly nasty all over again.   Foolishly I didn't come home from that visit and ground myself.  No indeed, I came home and dwelt in the mess of it and allowed myself to feel all the feels which are lies in themselves rather than study upon the facts all over again as I ought to have done.

I need to find that balance point where I  read  and listen to videos enough to understand this mental illness and recognize it's symptoms and the common feelings it brings up, as well as understanding my own unwitting involvement.   I must find that counter balance where I know enough but am not overwhelmed at the helplessness I feel.  I must also remind myself again and again, that I cannot fix this.  I am not responsible for it.  I didn't cause it.  I am not it's source, but I am it's target and often not just I, but those I love.   And it might help to remind myself of something John says often enough:  "If her last name was Smith and unrelated to you, you'd walk away and not look back even once..."   Indeed.  But she is related and there's the rub.

The manifestation at present is full on food hoarding, compulsive spending, and  a willfulness to do something that won't remedy the problems that were created by the previous two coping methods, but will negatively impact several lives including her own.  I felt anger mount up as this led to purposely upsetting another, with no regard at all of the kindness that person was doing at the time.   It seems at present that the deeper I go to dig into forgiveness the more rage and anger I uncover and this particular day when she was purposely upsetting another,  it exploded from my mouth with an ugly statement that I felt both sad and shamed over expressing immediately upon uttering, even though it was unheard by anyone else. 

And then I had begun to feel rather estranged from God, as well.  That only I can take full responsibility for.  I'd gotten lax in my morning prayer/Bible study.   Some days I missed it entirely.  Most days I chose to take first coffee with a dose of Instagram or Youtube instead and later in the day I might pick it up and or not.  And then I realized that I was missing something very vital in not honoring God with the first part of my day and so this morning, I sat down and picked up my Bible first and proceeded to put things in the order of real importance.
   
Getting outdoors would  help but it's been so messy that unless we're going to church we simply do not leave the house.   For me personally, that daily connection with the natural world, where God reveals so much beauty, is also life giving for me.  Being housebound has been detrimental.   I tried to remedy that yesterday by not just opening the blinds but opening the sheers in front of the blinds as well to let in all the natural light I could.  I've done the same again today.  Light is the balance to darkness and my spiritual darkness needs to be flooded with light.  I purposely took time these past two days to watch the birds at the feeder in the backyard.  It's funny how just standing at the window doing that is promoting a sense of well being and restored relationship.

I've also pulled out my journal and begun to write daily once again.  I suffer every single time I let it go and this time I'd let it go for over a month.  Even if I struggle to think of a thing to write in it daily, I must make the effort.  It's such a beneficial tool for me to sound out my own heart and mind and see where I need to correct my pathway.   It's amazing how often, buried beneath the litany of what I must do today, what I want to buy or make, what my plans for the next week are, my worries, etc,   there will come to the surface a seed or a thorn I hadn't realized was there and once found it can be handled properly.  But go too long without journaling and I end up feeling I've sunken to the bottom of life all over again, never digging out of the mud, never seeing anything really clearly.

The weather has  gotten to John, as well.  Just at first, when he'd retired, we'd have a good mix of sunny days with rainy ones.  He'd go out to the shed and putter with this or that, or he'd work in the yard a bit.  I never minded if he snoozed some during the day either because I knew that the depth of his tiredness had to be healed.  But the past three weeks it's been mostly rainy and sodden when the sun does shine.   So no work in the yard and he's naturally felt less inclination to wade out to the shed.

John's not got a real hobby, yet.  He's always worked hard and played about with his guitars or mown the lawn and he does light household things (laundry and vacuuming) but there his interests pretty much die down, so he occupies himself with an over abundance of Youtube and TV.  The television is often on from the time he gets up until we got to bed at night with only a brief hour or two daily when it's shut down. 

Today he was meant to go help Samuel replace brakes on his truck but the downpour put an end to that.  And then he got a call from EMS asking him please to come work a half shift as the unit is strapped for help at present.  So off he went, with a spring in his step I haven't seen in a couple weeks time.  I can see quite well that he needs a part time job, whether it's EMS or some other which has yet to manifest.  He needs to be out of the house.  Unlike me he's a very social person and while he's content to be home he very much needs that interaction with lots of others, too.  Samuel and Katie have helped a lot in visiting a couple of times a week, bringing the children to visit,  or asking for his assistance in something.  But he needs more.

I thought about this Tuesday as I worked about the house.  I expect, had I asked John to do anything for me he would have done.  He will happily sweep a floor or fold clothes or make a bed if asked.  He just doesn't volunteer to do it...But I found myself with a tiny bit, just a very tiny bit, of resentment that I had so much to do and I felt upset that he was doing nothing.

And then I realized that this is my realm of work.  I've trained myself to see all that must be done and plan my days around it and get it done.   I am accustomed to the home life and the routines.  I did laughingly remind myself that as John keeps insisting next year I will 'retire' as well, I will still be working away just as I am now...only I'll actually get paid to do it! lol    But the truth is, John doesn't look at home the way that I do.  He doesn't see it as a job to be attended to.  For him, this has always been a place of rest, minor chores, occasional small repairs, aside from the seasonal mowing. 


Perhaps I would do well to make a to do list for him of jobs that I see need to be done which I can't do or get to myself.  Not  gardening tasks, in which he has no interest, but real jobs.  For instance, I would very much like to paint the interior of the house.  I've been saying it for years now. But I know that walls must be spackled and sanded because over the years I've put a ton of nail holes in them hanging pictures here and there and then removing them.  Several years ago, John redid the interior of all but two windows.  Well now they are showing wear.  A new coat of mildew resistant paint wouldn't hurt, until we get around to replacing those windows with new ones.   I know that painting isn't his most favorite task, but then I can't remove the windows to do that work...he can.

I can also encourage him to explore those things he's said he'd like to try: bee keeping, painting (artistic), getting a camera and doing photography or recording videos.   I can encourage him to search out that fixer upper guitar to learn the lutherer work he's mentioned wanting to do and even set himself up a work station and light in the music room.

 I can suggest he  get out and look for a part time job that he'd enjoy if he wants to do so or return to EMS a day a week.

And if the weather would just give us a break we might plan a few little dates or day trips that we'd enjoy...But neither of us wants to go for a long ride in a downpour, that's for sure!  There are all sorts of places we might go visit for little or no money and picnics are something we've always enjoyed.   We would both enjoy getting out of the house a little together.

I sure hope I don't sound like I think it's my job to entertain him or keep him occupied, because neither he nor I believe that!   Nor do I feel he's underfoot and in the way. Truth told when he got called to work today I felt a little down that he'd be gone but happy for him as I saw him spring to life.   But yes, if he's to be at home, then we definitely need to find purpose for him in being home because I know too well that having a purpose and feeling one has accomplished something at the end of each day no matter how small the tasks,  is key to satisfaction....and that's something no one has ever acquired from a steady diet of  leisure!

I've said all these things to him over the  months prior to retirement.  I remember too well my first days at home after I left my last job.  I slept late.  I lolled about.  I got well and truly rested and then after about 2 weeks, I found myself working like someone was driving me with a whip.  I  guess I was fortunate that home has always appealed to me and I could see so many jobs I'd not had time or energy to attend to when I was working full time.   John, on the other hand, generally worked at work.  Prior to working 24/48 shifts he'd take extra shifts, too.  He's never had a passion, nor really the time to develop one, for anything else.  Truth told we needed the money he earned working those extra shifts, despite my trying hard to insure he didn't have to work very many extra.   But the weather and the lack of anything to do and the feeling of no purpose and no interest had gotten to him yesterday to the point that he took offense at the slightest thing.  And to see him walk out of the house today eager to do something...Well as much as I knew I'd miss him, I was glad to see him go.   He's called home a few minutes ago to say he's working a partial day tomorrow as well.

Well enough of John.  He's doing quite well overall and has laughed out loud so often these past few weeks.  I tear up each time I hear him laugh out loud because for the past few years that was a really scarce sound.   He's sleeping well and the doctor recommended he decrease his blood pressure meds, so there's facts that indicator that being home is good for him.    We'll eventually find the things that will interest him outside of that old job of his and embrace the new season in full.

This morning at 4:30am I was awakened by the rumblings of thunder in the distance.  As I lay there in the darkness, listening to it come ever nearer, I recalled a conversation I had with a friend not too long ago about storms.  She'd hit a stormy season in her life and I was just coming out of a very stormy one in my own life.   She was lamenting the season and the toll it had taken and wondered what purpose a storm had.   And sense I'd been thinking long and hard about that season in my own life, I was able to share with her God's purpose as I saw it.

It's fact that we all experience highs and lows.  I've talked about mountain top experiences but none of us dwell on a mountain top at all times.  We tend to live in the valleys, don't we?  I mean that's where most of the jobs are and where real living takes place and where we tend to be focused most.  But I believe that God uses these stormy seasons in life to drive us to higher ground.  No one wants to be in  the lowest spot when the rains begin to fall!  No indeed we want to move up away from those areas that might flood.  We seek shelter in a higher place.  We are nearer God in those times when we're looking for shelter, when we're trying to find the whys of what has happened in our lives.

That storm has purpose in a natural way as well as spiritually.  For instance, heavy wind often brings down dead or weakened branches from trees.  Oh how pruning hurts when it happens to us individuals!  But it's necessary for the overall health and future fruit bearing of that tree...Just so with us.  We can't bear fruit in our lives if we're full of old dead branches!  We need that new growth to keep strong.

Rain will refill cisterns and reservoirs, lakes and ponds.   It also washes away dust.  Remember that song, "I can see clearly now..."?  Well, sometimes I have empty places that need to be filled and dusty places that need to be cleaned so that I can see the picture of life before me a whole lot clearer.

 Even thunder and lightening have beneficial minerals in them, did you know that?  They turn the grass green and benefit crops.  That's why after a thunderstorm you might think it looks like the grass has grown inches...it has!!   We've been through some terrible things these last few years, but afterwards, it was easy to see the growth we experienced because of it and to see the blessings, too, that had come to us during that season of storm.

All that said, I may be lamenting the rainy season we're experiencing but I'm by no means cursing it!  I know that it's doing our land and well and plants a world of good.  This season will pass as all others do...But I do wonder if April will prove to be the reverse of our March thus far and we'll have a windy month...

I have chattered long enough dears.  Quick!  Grab your umbrella and dash out while the rain has let up a bit.  And do come again!