I've shared a good bit about how we met and even what a disappointing thing our wedding ended up being, but I don't think I've ever shared how John proposed to me.
John is a romantic sort of man. He was the one who knew which song was 'our song' (I still haven't a clue), and he reminds me constantly of some moment I've forgotten all about. Before I met John, I'd have told anyone I was the romantic one, but somehow, I've ended up being the more practical. And that's why his proposal seemed so strange.
John and I had lived together for nearly two years. I'd left my job at the nursing home when Katie was about a year old. I'd taken a temporary job at the hospital where John also worked. Eventually, just as that job was about to end, I was offered a job in the billing office. We'd agreed that while we were at work, we were 'at work' and we'd be a couple after work. We'd meet for lunch in the hospital cafeteria, and we were a couple there, but the moment lunch break was over, we were back 'at work'. It might sound odd to some, but it worked.
Our lives had been a series of crises to be dealt with from the beginning. In fact, we'd had a particularly rough year. John had been gone all hours with his EMT training classes after work and I'd dealt with 5 children, 2 exes, 2 different visitation schedules for children, irate grandparents who just couldn't understand why I didn't drop everything to bring the children to visit, housework, work and all such pretty much on my own with whatever leftover strength he had to toss in. He did try, I'm not saying he didn't, but he'd taken on a lot in working full time and going to school full time and doing practical training on weekends. And this was just to become an EMTA. He didn't become a paramedic until later.
To be honest, we were having a sticky patch as a couple, too. I'd waited patiently, I felt, for John to make a commitment to me, beyond living together and he'd done no such thing. He had every appearance, gave every indication that he liked me, was seemingly content, and appeared to enjoy my company, but he refused to say he loved me. The moment any sort of 'What's next?" conversation began, he balked and hemmed and hawed and threw up every sort of argument against making any further commitment. People who knew us were far more prone to bring this subject up, mind you, as everyone seemed to think that we were a 'real' love story, and they were eager for the next chapter. I was just as adamantly ready to determine what the next step would be and had even ventured to say so once or twice, but his reaction had made me wary.
After a great deal of prayer and seeking, because I was cowardly when it came to any sort of honest confrontation, I finally told John "Look, there are five children, two cats and two dogs invested in this relationship, not to mention you and me. It's high time you decide what you want. If you want to leave, then leave. If you want to stay, stay but make a commitment to staying."
I could see that made his hackles rise. I was very clear about my meaning. I wasn't forcing him to marry. I simply wanted some indication that we were at least on the path to something more. Say he loved me. Perhaps give me a ring. Anything to indicate he was serious! I knew that we couldn't continue to go on as we were. I knew it might well mean he'd walk out, and I steeled myself for that, but I hated most of all to live in the limbo state we'd come to live in.
He asked, "Are you giving me an ultimatum?" I looked at him and said "Yes. And no. I'm letting you know that I'm at the end of this particular road. We can go on together or we can go on separately. It's up to you. I DO have a deadline. I'm not going to wait around for another year. It's time to make up your mind if this is what you want." "You're giving me a deadline?!" "No, I'm telling you I have a deadline. I'm praying God gives us both the right direction about this and I've let Him know the date I feel is reasonable for us to know. But I won't tell you what that date is. I want you to really think about this without putting it off. I know how you can procrastinate. I also want you to be honest with yourself. I know how I feel about you, have known it two weeks into this thing. But do you know how you really feel? It's time to think about it. "
So that you all will know, I had prayed earnestly that God would give us an answer by June. At the time John and I were discussing this it was early February.
We went on. He going to work and school, me working and going home to attend to the responsibilities there. John finished school and was offered a position at the EMS. He was torn, unable to make a decision between his job at the hospital and the job at EMS. He wanted to work at EMS, but the pay was less. He was afraid of leaving a higher paying position for one that meant less money. He didn't like his job at the hospital, but he couldn't give it up.
One day he'd left the hospital to go on a call with the EMS while he was supposed to be at work. To be fair, it was a major accident, and they needed all hands-on deck and had called John to ask him to come help. When he returned, he was greeted at the hospital door by one of the higher bosses. "You NEED to make a choice! You can't leave this job hanging or that job hanging. Are you going to be maintenance director or are you going to be an EMT? You NEED to make a commitment to something!" Now ain't that the truth?! That's what I'd been telling John all along. Make a choice! Well for whatever reason, Bob said clearly just what John needed to hear. He tendered his resignation that afternoon and took the job at EMS right away.
Because of Danny, John arranged to pay for COBRA insurance until open enrollment with the county allowed him to put Danny and Jd on his new insurance. I don't know why the Administrative Assistant didn't set it up. We were under the impression that John had insurance and then suddenly discovered, too late, that he didn't. It was a major mistake. We discovered the failure of the girl to do her job, just as Danny was hospitalized, of course.
Well...God moves in mysterious ways, doesn't He? John had no insurance. Danny would be considered pre-existing with his health needs by any new insurance carrier. That meant he needed to be un-hospitalized for two years before he'd qualify for insurance with the county. I had health insurance and Danny could be moved onto my policy without any pre-existing clause but... ONLY...if John and I were married.
And so there I was doing my job, when John came into my cubicle and knelt down on one knee behind my chair. "I've been talking to everybody about this and the only way I can keep Danny covered for insurance is if we marry and you put him on your insurance... I've been thinking a lot about this already. I really do like you, and I've liked sharing life with you. Marrying you can't be the worst mistake I'll ever make in life. So... what do you say?"
The office, which had been humming along with the usual amount of conversation, phones, etc. was dead still. I didn't even look at John, just quietly said. "Ok." He jumped up and said, "I'm going down to talk to Wayne in the lab and find out how much it costs to get blood tests done right now." He walked out of the door and the moment that door shut, every girl in that office was leaning over my cubicle walls exclaiming, while I sat there with tears pouring down my face.
And that's how I came to be proposed to by the man I loved dearly. That was at the end of April, 28 years ago now. We got married May 25, almost one month later.
It's not romantic at all is it? But that's my engagement story. There was never an engagement ring. There was no great avowal of love. I've never regretted saying "ok" and I don't believe John has ever regretted it. And for the record, he's never let a single day pass without telling me he loved me since the day we married.
6 comments:
I thought I was the only one with health insurance being responsible for my marriage!! My not-yet-husband recovered from cancer but could not get health insurance. I had excellent insurance and one day he said he wanted to marry me so he could be on my policy. We loved each other but marriage was not a big thing to me. I said yes and 39 years later we are still happy and in love. In other centuries people married for economic reasons, so why not? People get married for a lot stupider reasons. We say, "This marriage was brought to you by Aetna."
Mable, I love your story.
1. Terri, I'm so glad women are portrayed more realistically now in ads. Did you see the lady in the yellow dress at the top of your blog? Her waist must be around 14 inches.
2. MEN! Two years is longer than I would have waited. I think all of us women are afraid of seeming to give a guy an ultimatum, we don't want to be seen as demanding and because of that we often get taken advantage of. I know many women who hit the end of their road and laid down the law and I was one of them. Me and the boyfriend were off and on for some time (not living together) and I finally said we were finished and showed him the door. I also was a single mother and wanted a "family", not a Saturday night date. Some months later he called me, came to my house, and stumbled through a marriage proposal. (He's a slow thinker.) Incredibly happily married for almost 39 years now.
LOVED this part of your story, Terri! I was the one who proposed to my husband (now of fifty years)! I was a twenty-four year old widow with an infant and a toddler. My girlfriend and I ‘conspired’ to get her husband to introduce us and, like you, within two weeks I KNEW he was The One. Ray was twenty-three, had been a police officer for two years, drove a Corvette (that was the first to go - no room for car seats!!) and had just bought his first home. I truly don’t think he knew what hit him LOL but we married three months later. He has loved, during group sharing over the years, to tease me about that proposal but I always counter with ‘If I hadn’t have said something I’d STILL be waiting!’
I really love this story! At first I thought "who is Danny"! But then realized he was John's son! LOL. You have made a beautiful blended family!
Do you mind sharing which posts the other parts of your story are in? :)
I had not idea I kept such good company both with the insurance and with the marriage proposals that still resulted in good solid marriages. Thank you Mabel, Anne and Conni for sharing your stories as well.
Ellen, Yes, I was unclear in the story but Danny and Jd are John's, as is Katie (he adopted her) and Amie and Sam (and Katie) are mine.
Unknown, I will have to look up all the parts and pieces I've shared and direct you to them. Give me a few days to see where they might be. If I can find them I'll add a tab on the blog page so they will be easier to see.
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