I admit it. I was already tense this morning when I woke up. It was the day I'd designated as a visit day, and I always struggle more than I want to say on these days. But before I even left home, I went into something of a tailspin over a completely unrelated thing.
And what was that thing? A simple request. Admittedly it might have been stated in a better manner. Also, admittedly I saw the point of the request, but I did not want to say 'yes'. I waffled and wavered and said everything but the resounding "No" I wanted to say. Nor did I say yes. I really did have to stop several times during this simple conversation and squash my feelings back into the appropriate boxes and reason things out all over again.
The upshot was, finally, a compromise that worked for both parties, but the struggle left me jittery and upset. Weepy, frustrated, angry, tense...That is no way to begin what one knows may turn into a difficult day and we haven't even gotten to that part of the day yet!
I left home barely holding on to my self-control. My head noise was loud and wearying. I had a gospel song running through my mind, but it was on an exhausting loop. Even 'good' music, good thinking, can become obsessive and frustrating if one is struggling. I pleaded with God to just shut my mind down. "I need quiet, Lord."
I missed my turn on the road, and I considered turning back and going to it but I decided that I would not. Instead, I decided I'd follow the route I was on. It was an alternate means of going where I wanted to go, so I wouldn't be too far off course. The change of route was an answer to prayer. I got interested in trying to find another road that I thought might lead me into the road I'd missed turning onto but further along on the journey. I never did see that road.
But I did find my head was quieter. I'd been concentrating on less emotional things. I began to get interested too in the changes since the last time I had been in that area. I followed an old residential street. Like most small towns this one used to be just filled with lovely old houses. The old houses are still there but the older residents are gone, and the houses are run down and worn. It made me sad to see them so. I've been driving those streets off and on for years and it pains me to recall them the way they were and see them as they are now.
The day didn't turn out badly. It went just fine. Nevertheless, once I was home, I felt as though I'd been working hard. I was completely drained. John's gotten better at not expecting a lot of me. Just being in the peace of my own home was the restorative that I needed.
This evening, John and I went for a short ride. Just to the dump that is further from home to take off our trash, but I confess that ride through the country roads with crops and cattle on the hill. My goodness, it's the best tonic one ever could ask for in this world.
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