Do come in dears and let us have a nice hot cup of something and have a talk. It feels like it's been forever since we had a visit. In looking back, I see that we've not had a proper chat since the end of September. Weeks ago. I suppose it's to be expected given all the stuff to be dealt with these past few weeks.
I've done periodic updates of sorts in the Weekly diary, but I am ready for a right proper chat, aren't you? Soon we'll all be stuck in the holiday preparations and I'm afraid time will fly even faster than it is at present, and it will be 2023 before we have a visit.
The weather is looking sullen and moody. The trees are almost all bare now as well. It's been one of the earliest and loveliest autumns we've had in years, coming in early and lingering in a lovely way but it's left November a bit bare boned looking. More December-ish. I suppose that's why John has suddenly started seeking out Christmas movies. I can't fault him. I've been looking at Christmas decor far earlier in the year than I am wont to do normally. It feels like a year when Christmas will be a welcome season.
But before Christmas there's Thanksgiving. I posted my plan for surviving Thanksgiving this year. We'll be home and at present it's meant to be us and John's brother and wife. I don't know if either of the boys will be here. John and I have an event to attend on the Friday after Thanksgiving where he will be performing. It's made me think hard about inviting Jd and children up. Perhaps we could have arranged for a shorter visit with JD or something but then a group meeting we were supposed to attend this week was moved to next Friday. It's a horrible time to have a meeting in my opinion but there you are. It always takes hours. We'd miss the whole of an evening with Jd if they did visit. And then there's the stress and strain of my coming up with multiple meals because JD doesn't cook and would offer to bring in pizza but that involves a long round trip.
After discussion, John suggested we just not ask him to come.
My sister-in-law called last night asking what she might bring, what was I making etc. I told her and she insisted she'd come and make something, too. I suggested she just bring pies. "I'll have to bake them there...I'll buy food...Unless we could find someplace open, and all go out to eat." I said to her that I make dinner every year and it's no hardship. That we'd have plenty and there was no need to bring a thing. No. She must cook.
Then my other son that lives nearby said he still didn't know if he was coming or not.
I'll need to figure out how to manage the three hours of driving involved in getting Mama here while I'm haggling over cooking privileges, too.
I glossed over some of my reasons for feeling angst this time of year. Being pulled in four different directions, having every plan altered or shifted repeatedly over and over again, then dealing with family relationships and guilt trips over said relationships, etc. And then there's the historical family angst around the holiday season. I always feel a bit shattered when it's over and done because you can betcha that there is a fly and it's bound to be right there drowned in the gravy for all to see, except me. I will be told of it later. Ugh. Can't we all just be happy and eat turkey?
John and I have had one or two Thanksgiving Day dinners all alone. Just the two of us. I set the table prettily and we had our favorite foods. We were content. And selfishly, when I consider our guest list some years and then issue the invitations, I am so full of dread over it all that I get no enjoyment whatsoever from the day.
That's what I'm really trying to avoid this year. The annual angst and discord and disappointment. Hence my personal plan of attack to refuse to be upset, roll with all the punches, do the best I can however I might and just get on with it.
Katie is having dinner with Steven and his family. She told me what she was making for her portion of dinner, and I asked her, "But why not deviled eggs? Don't they know that you make awesome devil eggs?" Katie replied quickly enough, "Eggs are too expensive to be deviling!" Well, I suppose she's quite right, especially if you haven't found eggs on sale. Admittedly the components of the meal she was taking are budget friendly as well as holiday worthy ones. Apple from my tree, that one.
So, Thanksgiving weekend will be a full one. I don't suppose I'll get the tree up until Sunday afternoon following Thanksgiving at best, but I am looking forward to putting it up. I hope this week to get into the shed and go through my things to determine which I'll use and what my theme might be this year.
I am not jumping ahead just yet. No, I'm not. The whole year has sped by thus far. I am doing what I call 'water bugging', where I skim along the surface and just deal with things as they come. Honestly, in the past if I wasn't busy self-analyzing and self-improving and working three dozen different projects personal and otherwise, I felt I was water bugging, but I'm now starting to see the value of it.
This year has been a heavy one, not exactly painful but just full of life overall and skimming just now is so restful! I suppose that's why I keep putting off working on the annual review I'd typically do. I think sometimes, we need to come up from the deep and take a few breaths of air and just regain our strength, don't you? Life doesn't always afford us those moments. Well frankly, life never afforded me one in the past at all. Now I'm older, I shall take them as I can get them. It's not my chosen state of being but as with all seasons this too has a purpose.
I'm trying not to go into many things, but I will share that the house was a burden we couldn't really afford. It needed work, and Mama fought anyone who tried to do that work. When it was given to us, it wasn't possible to get that work done but at least someone was living in it. I don't know why, but a house that needs maintenance and is lived in holds up far better than an empty one. Somehow it is hopeful. It has purpose still. An empty one that is abandoned and left to rot down around itself, has nothing. No hope. No purpose. It shelters no one save mice and roaches.
At one time I followed a photographer who traveled about the southern states taking pictures of old abandoned houses. Some were deep in the woods and trees and vines had grown into them. Some were in fields or along forgotten roadways. I stopped following after a while because though there was a stark beauty, it was painful for me to see them in that state.
For years now I've prayed over homes I see that are neglected. A lovely old late 1880's Victorian, a doublewide, a simple brick ranch house, a house that appeared much like a shed. In my mind, as I prayed, I restored them and made them beautiful once more and lived in them...but only in my mind. I am happy to say that the houses are all occupied now. Some were restored to their glory, and some were simply cleaned up a bit, but all are occupied and now look like homes.
I like houses. I suppose because in a house, and sometimes even in a shed on a pretty site, I see a potential home. I like making a house a home. I'm not an envious person overall but I admit to something near envy when Katie was talking about her plans to decorate her new place and spoke of the potted plant she'd put out beside her door when she went up to lay claim to the house she's renting now. Not envious of the move, not envious of the house itself, but of the fun of making it a home. That's what I mean.
I think that's why I have fallen in love with our home here in the country. Though some are quick to disdainfully speak of it's not being a 'real house' and suggest we are living in some lesser abode because it's a doublewide, I assure you it's as sound as any modern-day house. Please tell me how a home made up mostly of sheetrock, insulation, 2x4s and mason mesh covered in stucco is any sturdier than my own stick built mobile home. I assure you that they are NOT. I've been in them and not one of them is going to last as long as this home. Truth, I fell in love with this house when I began being interested in making it my home. And that's what I've done. Made it into my home, into our home.
That is not to suggest that a man can't make a house a home. I've known many men who had a very clear idea of what they liked in decor, and who could put together a house as lovely as one made by any woman. And I've known women who had no interest whatsoever in making a house anything other than a place to change clothes and lay down at night. Dusted and done.
But I digress.
We were given a house. And it broke my heart to see all the potential there was in it, but we couldn't do a thing except the most basic things. We all tried. Katie, Steven, John and I all tried to do things that would improve the house. Even Chad did his part while he was around in Katie's life. But in the end, the house needed far more than any of us could give.
And that's why when we got it as polished up as we could, I felt I owed it to the house to go through the rooms and thank it for what it had been to my family members and apologize to it for what we had been unable to do to keep it up and tell it all the hopes I had for its future.
I admit I sound silly. But truth is I talk to trees and flower and plants. I talk to houses, too. A house may be made of materials that appear to be dead but a house both lives and breathes. You can feel it has energy and life, albeit an inanimate life.
I felt the house responded to that talk, because the next day when we showed the realtor through the house, I promise you the house showed itself well. I jokingly said she put on Spanx and a fresh coat of lipstick, and it did appear so. Even the realtor's photo of the house looks nicer than it ought. No filters, just that sense of hope and life looking back at the camera.
It's amazing, truly.
While the realtor and her husband were there viewing the house for the first time, we four began to talk for whatever reason of marriage. And John launched into the story of how we met. The whole thing got told and then I looked at him and said, "Well now we've told our love story..." and we laughed. But somehow it was like a refreshing breeze to recall those very early days and how we came to be a couple.
I think sometimes, we are quick to tell the testimonies of the things that were difficult and hard from which we've emerged. We almost boast of where we've been in hard places of life and how we've been tested. It's not as though we get a badge of honor for the hurts and disappointments and disasters, we call our life. But we fail too often to remember that we have to share the sweet things, the unexpected blessings, the things that went right, the things that we didn't necessarily deserve but they came to us anyway.
I've thought about that a lot this week, after that bit of sharing with the other couple. I've thought of how the good things are testimonies, too but we seldom focus on those. The good things made us strong, didn't they? They made it possible for us to endure the hardships. They gave us hope to keep going, to believe that we are going to make it through. And one of the most enduring, most hopeful things we do is to love another.
13 comments:
You are quite right about the weather being sullen. But, we cannot remember a more lovely fall in the 28 years we have been here. We enjoyed many an hour out driving and soaking up the beauty of it all.
These new houses going up by the hundreds here are so cheaply built that I would not feel safe living in them. One man pointed out to us that you could get through an exterior wall with only a box cutter! Our older house is like Old Ironsides. It is solid and safe and will stand the test of time as yours will. It may not be the latest style but it is our haven.
My sister and I felt the same as you when my grandparents house was finally cleaned out and ready to sell earlier this year. It looked pretty good after it was empty and clean but it was also a sad thing to think that it's big front porch would never again be a gathering place for our family. It was kind of a silly looking porch tacked on the front of a long brick ranch but it was so welcoming and comfortable.
Our house at the lake really gets shabby after the long winter of mostly sitting empty. We are almost always the first ones there in the Spring and we never know what we might find. We try to get over there in February to check on it and get it warmed up for a week but the weather doesn't always accommodate us and the house takes about 36 hours to warm up while we freeze our petunias off. Thankfully we have a great neighbor who will tell us of something happens like a tree comes down.
It was good chatting with you. Would you be disinherited if you sent an Uber for Mom? Or the men?
This was so lovely! Thank yoU!
This was such a nice visit...or should I say post. I was thinking along the lines of what Lana said, when she asked if possibly the men could really save you a chunk of time and go and get your Mom for you, at least one of the trips, if not both.
Empty houses always make me sad. We have two empty houses just down the street. I don't know what happened with one of the houses, but the other house had the man who lived there alone pass away and no one knew for a while. I knew him a little just from him asking me for a ride somewhere when his vehicle wasn't working a couple of times, and that he would often stop as he was walking by and speak to me when I was out in my flowers. Then one year he developed the most terrible cough, he would sit on his front porch and cough terribly. That went on for 2 years or so, and then he was gone. I know he had relatives, but none of them wanted the house, I guess. I heard there is now a sign on the door that says not fit for human occupancy. It makes me sad because when we first moved here his mother and father and their little dog lived there. The Mom would work around in her irises every year, and the man would walk by with his dog and always
spoke to me. Their son only came there occasionally. When the old man died, the son stayed there but the mother moved away and took the dog with her. The strange thing is I had several strange dreams about the man who passed away in that house, years before he ever started coughing. One of the dreams was that I heard singing, and I looked out the backdoor window and in my dream he was dressed in a white choir gown in my back yard singing with the most beautiful voice. In real life he did not really have any type of angelic vibe about him. It was such a strange dream. Another dream I had about that house was that I could see into their living room from our window, in real life you can't, but in the dream the curtains were open and the room was filled with light and someone, I couldn't quite tell who in the dream, was laid out in a casket, and people I never saw before were there, plus people that I had seen visiting at that house. The light in the living room was a bright glow and I could see details of the casket very well, but not the face of that was there. I wonder why I had such dreams about someone I really didn't know that well. Very strange. I wish our small city would fix that house up, or tear it down and put some plantings in.
Your relative who wanted to bake pies at your house kind of made me want to giggle. I have such a small kitchen and oven and stove, that there is no way anyone could fit in there to work and there would be no space to work in anywhere else to get her pies together, even on the day before Thanksgiving, because my cooking and stuff would be all spread out. Maybe she could bake them at home and bring them.
I am doing a small Thanksgiving with my husband and I this year. My lymphedema in my one leg makes it impossible to get up my daughter's house steps and get comfortable after I am there. I am also not feeling very well this year as I can't get my asthma to settle down.
The pulmonologist is having me try a couple of different medicines to see if we can find one that works without uncomfortable side effects.
Our son will be home on leave for Thanksgiving this year. I hope he will have time to spend some time here at home with his Dad and I. I'm sure he will, but the time always goes so fast and then it's time for him to drive up the hill and out of sight and it is sure a hard thing to see him driving away for another year or more.
Enjoy getting everything ready for your Thanksgiving celebration, and take a little rest whenever you have a few minutes to yourself. We are going to have snow here near St Louis tonight. Probably about 2 inches. The snow is here really early this year.
I so enjoy your writing. Many times I will go back and read a post more than once. We all need imagination and whimsy in our lives.
The Urban Farmer and I have said that it would be wonderful if we could take parts of each house we've ever lived in and combine them into the perfect home. I did not like the house I grew up in. The front door opened into my parents' bedroom and my room was on the other side of theirs which meant I had to go through their room. No door, no privacy, no closet. Years ago when the Farmer was a food delivery person we stopped at a customer's house in the country. The setting for that house made my heart sing. The house itself was insignificant but I could picture living there, gardening, enjoying the trees. We love our house now even though it needs some refurbishing. Someday we will be in our heavenly home and that is most important. I think your home is quite lovely. Far superior in quality to houses in the vinyl villages which are disposable for the most part. You drive by and see vinyl siding coming off, shingles off and just a sense of malaise. I saw one that had caught on fire and melted the siding off the adjacent house. I have always said that I would rather live in a modest home that I could decorate and make my own than a big house with no money left to actually make it a home.
Update on our Thanksgiving plans. The youngest daughter stopped by this afternoon and said she has to work. We will prepare food here and she can stop by when her shift is over. I will send leftovers so that she can eat on those for a few days. I knew some people who would go out to eat on Thanksgiving but she would cook an entire meal so they could have leftovers. I hope your day goes well.
Lana, I will have to be very careful in how I go about asking if John would pick up or take Mama back, etc. But I'll see. There is Uber and I'd thought of that, too, but not sure she'd go with a stranger. If John would take one round, I could do the other with Pilar along. We will see how it all works out.
Susie, On the street where the town house is, there are two empty houses within sight. One is right next door, and one is on the corner down the street. I don't know why the one on the corner isn't sold. It needs work, yes, but it's not horrible at all. It has a lovely big terrace off the back that is stone and concrete and is shaded by a huge old tree. And then there's a tiny cottage out back where the late owner's mom lived for years, about the size of a 1-bedroom apartment.
The other house is a two story and I've never seen the inside of it, but it too is on a lovely lot and backs up to the park/rec field as does my house in town. If I ever win the big big big lottery (impossible since I never play it! lol), I'd redo all the houses and sell them to people for homes.
Sue, what a lovely description of your home. Girl, you are a writer in your own right! I had tears in my eyes reading about that house. I loved a house like that once and felt it loved me. It was the last house I shared with my ex and I hated leaving that house!
Donna, yes sometimes a lot can win our hearts. There was an area that John and I really really wanted to live in down in the area where we worked but we couldn't get a realtor or owner to show us a blame thing there. It was just lovely! But we were meant to come here and here we shall be.
I think I often make turkey in summer because we like the leftovers so well, lol.
People look aghast when I say that my husband's cancer diagnosis and the researchers finally discovering a way to deal with my heart defect that involved open heart surgery followed by a lifetime of medications made our marriage strong (they said I would not last much past 40. I am 71. HA!! Although my brother died of the same defect so I believed them about my sell-by date). It happened within three years of marrying and it certainly taught both of us with sledge-hammer force what is important. We have never had a serious argument. Sure, we disagree but having nearly lost each other means we know what is valuable and what is not. We want peace, not drama, so each of us takes turns "being right."
I agree with Lana and others about Uber, and you can specify that you want a female driver if that would make your mom more comfortable. But, in the end, you are not responsible if she is unhappy with how you arranged to get her to the gathering, she is responsible for wether she sees this as a catastrophe or she sees it as the very loving gesture of a daughter who will go through a lot of expense to get your mom to the rest of the family for a celebration. If she says she does not want Uber, then say you are sorry she is making the decision not to join you on this most family of family days. You are not responsible for her emotions, she is. I know it is hard to part with that much money but that is why we try to save pennies, so that they are available when we need them---and you need for her to get to your place without you doing the actual driving. Sometimes I think you do not value yourself and your mental health needs because you allow others to run over you.
P.S. directed to Sue. What a wonderful paragraph you wrote about you current house! I could almost hear the house talking to you!
Mabel, The question of HOW she'd get to the house never got presented at all today because first she brought up my brother, whom I've neither seen nor heard from in nearly four years (SERIOUSLY) might not have plans. This is a very old part of Thanksgiving. I must always invite all these extras who don't want a relationship with me and if I ask and they don't consent to come, then she cries through the meal that 'NO ONE' will come to dinner, blames me for their inability to be civil etc. She thinks that I should invite him, and I am NOT. My brother does not want to be family, he doesn't want to be part of my family at all and her insistence on inviting him is like pricking open a scar so that it can remain a wound. I nicely said, "Why don't you call him and if he has no plans you can plan to have Thanksgiving with him here in your home," Apparently, she thought that I should drag my guests to her apartment to have dinner (and incidentally bring along my meal as well). I told her "No, my guests will be my guests in my home."
And that's just the Mama side of things. Other things going on behind the scenes here are making Thanksgiving look like an exercise in how NOT to have a holiday...
The weather here in Oklahoma simply depends on the day. Last week we had some sullen and grey days and it definitely affected my mood. Now it's sunny but cold. Tomorrow we are due to get some winter weather. I'm not ready. I'm never ready. I really don't like the cold.
Holidays are hard. So many things to overcome for some of us. Many years I get into a holiday funk before it even starts. This year seems to be no exception and I just can't seem to snap out of it. I'd like it to be someone else's turn to be responsible for it all. Or just not have it at all. It's Scroogy of me, I know. Some years I really work to get myself out of the funk. Some years I just lean into it.
I love the way you thanked the house. I think it was such a nice way to honor it. I'm praying that little house finds new owners quickly who can breathe just the right new life into it that it needs.
So very happy to hear you are not being run over by your mom as she tries to manage everybody else's Thanksgiving without doing any of the work! You sound like such a good and thoughtful woman, I hope your holiday plans finally settle down. Maybe you should annoce at this year's Thankgiving that you and John are going on a Thankgiving vacation next year, so people will need to take care of themselves.
I'm very appreciative of our current home but the house we lived in before this one truly spoke to my soul. The minute I first set food inside I knew it was the one. It was a 1930s-era cottage built by an architect for his own family to live in while building a mansion. He designed and built it with such care and quality. It wasn't large but it was laid out so well and had so much storage space. It had just one main bathroom and at one point the master bedroom closet had been turned into a half bath. We outgrew it when the kids were nearing their teens and the perpetually damp basement kept my asthma stirred up constantly. I like our current home but I LOVED that other one.
It looks like for the 3rd year in a row we will just celebrate Thanksgiving at our house with my husband and our adult son who lives in our guest house. I'll take food to my mom and spend a little time with her at her house. She still has no appetite and little energy almost a year after her bout with Covid so holiday meals are no fun for her.
We are again foregoing the big extended family gathering due to ongoing Covid as well as high rates of flu and RSV. There are a LOT of young children in the family and it seems there are always at least a few who are sick (and that doesn't keep them from coming anyway).
My daughter and son-in-law both have very high-risk health concerns, as well as being the caregivers for his parents. We will likely do a Zoom call with them later in the day and maybe play a game "together". Honestly, I'm not all that disappointed about missing the big family gathering. I, too, have "one of those" brothers. I'd just as soon skip the drama. I will set a pretty table with my wedding china, crystal and Mom's silver. I'll make a delicious meal with all of our favorites and then have leftovers for the weekend. We'll watch the Macy's parade and "Miracle on 34th Street". It will be a lovely day. :)
Karla, Tonight on the way home I told John, NEXT year we go away...and then as I started to write that at the end of my post, I immediately had this huge wave of guilt because I know that there are family members who will be alone...But this is turning into one very difficult holiday and I am catching it from all sides. AND responsible for how everyone else is supposed to enjoy it? No...they can just figure it out. She says as she feels tears well and realizes she might well just be tired, depressed and ready for bed...
Dee, I love when you share about your most loved house. I feel I've sat right in that red and white kitchen with you many a time now.
While I don't know that I've ever spoken aloud to a house, I do understand doing it. When Brad was a baby, we looked at rentals with Jessica, and one in particular I knew the instant we walked inside that it was a "NO". I didn't say anything inside, but in the car I told her I wouldn't allow her to live there with my grandson. A bold statement that I had no business making, but that house was just wrong. Fortunately, she agreed and did not take offense to my voicing my opinion.
Our home is a doublewide as well, but just as much a home as the houses that surround us. I get tons of compliments on the house - it's friendly and comforting and welcoming.
As for the holidays, I'm sorry things are so stressful. You did great standing up to your mother and her plans, though. Jess has the kids this year, so we're hosting them with a few extras. At this moment my house is a wreck with painting, but all will be put to rights before Thursday.
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