Advent Day 1: Journey of the Heart

Lately I've had a deep yearning that I couldn't quite put my finger on.  There were slight irritations, a sense of anxiety that threatened to overwhelm me at times and a tension in my shoulders.  I often found myself lying awake in the middle of the night, no matter how tired I'd been upon going to bed.  

Something was missing in my life.   I've felt I was distant and far removed from God.  I read my Bible and I say my prayers for others each morning and for my family each night, but I cannot deny any longer that I feel I am far away from my God.  

I sat down one morning this week with these thoughts on my heart and confessed to John that I'd lost heart. 

 As I had thought on this earlier in the week, I blamed our church.  I blamed John.  I blamed God.  I'd cried out "Where are you?"  "Where is the fire?  Why did you let it go out?"  "Why don't you speak to me?"

But this particular morning, I had to look at facts.    My church was still preaching the Word.  My husband was still leading our household in daily prayer and sharing scripture and thoughts of his spiritual life, as was his duty as priest of this household.  

But when the fire within goes out, whose responsibility is it to see that it is lit and stays lit?

 I had grown distant.  I had turned away. I had gotten lost.

In my daily prayers, I said the same things over and over.  I was no longer petitioning God on behalf of others,  I was merely listing down names.  This many need healing, this many have other requests, this many are grieving, Amen and I'll come back tomorrow.

In my daily Scripture reading, my mind was occupied with that day's menus, what I could hear of John's current tv program, thoughts of family, schedules, work that needed to be done.   Even my nighttime prayers were the same words repeated over and over, night after night.  I had them memorized.

Prayer and daily reading had become just one more thing I did each day, a habit of routine that I followed.  I did the right things, I said the right words but I'd grown inattentive and insincere. 

When I first came to Christ I was zealous for his word.  It wasn't enough to pray and read just so much in my Bible each day. I devoured chapters.  In later years, I was so grateful for the opportunity to look up references from other pastors to see what they had to say about what I'd read that day.  I listened to sermons all evening long each evening.   I couldn't sing a thing except hymns and worship songs because it was all I ever listened to.   I was so hungry, so eager to know God.  When I prayed I was often moved to tears, as I earnestly sought him.  Even in the busy times of our lives I willingly sought out God.    But where were those sermons now?  And that worship?   Humbling questions that required humbling answers.  

I'd forgotten to fuel my fire.

As Thanksgiving drew near this year, I  made a determination to follow a daily Advent reading this month.  I contemplated several that I own.  I sought out more online.  I read the story of Christ's birth in Matthew and Luke.  I struggled and struggled and finally prayed that God would show me which Advent reader to use.   But then God impressed me to go on my own journey this month,  a journey of the heart.  And when I asked "How do I do this?"  he brought me to Isaiah.  "Start here. This is where you begin."

I balked.  I had read many Advents and none of them really began with the prophets.  They were all nice and neat little stories of how each day some personal experience had driven them steadily forward toward Christ, a 5 minute devotional.

And the request came right in the midst of my granted time off.  Seriously? 

So I started with Isaiah.   As I studied, I was humbled.  I saw that indeed, for me, this is the beginning of a journey, one that arrives at the foot of the manger and then continues to the foot of the cross.

Verse:  "I call to You from the ends of the earth when my heart is without strength." Ps 61 (HCSB)

Music: My Soul Thirsts For You by Shai Sol  Shai Sol sings a song of Sasha Fishman

Scripture:  Psalm 63

Prayer:  Abba, I long to be near you once more.  Guide me on the pathways that lead back to you.